Partner travelling to doctor’s appointments with ex

Forums:

Hi there,

I've been struggling with this for quite some time now and I need a bit of insight.

My partner has two kids from a previous relationship. One of the kids has to go for routine allergy testing at a clinic about 2 hours away from where we live. He asked me to look after his daughter after school so that she doesn't have to come. I mentioned to him that I would like to go to the appointment as well and maybe the mother could look after their daughter after school. So he informs me that she will be going to the appointment as well. I suggested that we either bring her along then or leave her with my 15 year old who has watched both kids many times. We don't get to get out of town much and it would nice for me to get out every once in a while, too and we don't get a lot of time off together so it would be nice for us. He then informs me that he and the mother are travelling together. Now, I understand that ultimately, she is the mother, but somehow I just cannot find myself to be okay with that. We are talking about a woman who has absolutely no respect for boundaries when it comes to our time with the children. We are talking about her scheduling medical appointments during our time without checking first whether or not we have plans, making promises to the kids to take them out on a weekend when she knows they're with us. Although my partner has been pretty good about saying no to those kinds of things, am I to be expected to just accept them travelling together while I was expected to stay home?

Not only are you expected to

Not only are you expected to stay home, but you are expected to stay home AND babysit THEIR kid while they go together.

Why do they both have to go to a "routine" appointment anyway? Who's CO time does this appointment fall?

You are not wrong to be bothered by this. Don't let your husband gaslight you into thinking this is ok, or even "normal".

Welcome to the site!

It's a "routine allergy" test - it's not like the child has a life threatening condition - now that I could just about understand both parents going. But for this, the bio parents most certainly do not need to attend together. My DH has an exW who has no concept of boundaries, - a lot of BMs reported about on this site don't - but it appears that in this instance, neither does your DH. I think a quiet word with him on this subject is necessary.

Would not happen with me.

They don't need to travel together. You do not need to babysit when DH plays with the ex. Your DH does not need to go.

Not only are you expected to

Not only are you expected to stay home, but you are expected to stay home AND babysit THEIR kid while they go together.

Yeah, that would NOT be happening.

Her husband and his ex are

Her husband and his ex are having a thing. I'd be outa that ASAP.

What is it with parents going

What is it with parents going to routine appointments together? That seems like such a waste of time. And traveling together? No need for that, either.

This guy has very poor boundaries with BM.

I agree

"This guy has very poor boundaries with BM." Has DH told you why he has to go to a routine for SS exam with BM? It would be interesting to know what his reasoning is. For me, this would be a deal breaker.

I don’t get the need to both

I don’t get the need to both attend either. And telling OP she can’t go? AND telling her that she’s watching the other skid so he & BM can play happy family with the skid of the moment? Gross. Not a flipping chance.

Though I don’t get why OP would want to go to the appointment itself, that’s just as odd as both BPs needing to be there. But grabbing a coffee/window shopping while they’re in the apt? Totally get that.

If I found out that my

If I found out that my husband was driving a couple hours with BM by basically pulling the info out of him, as opposed to him telling me about it upfront and asking if it was OK, it would not be pretty. I wouldn't care where they were going - I would want to be informed and consulted about it upfront.

At this point, I'd probably tell hubby that DD15 would be babysitting and you'll be riding to the appointment in the front seat with him, and BM and the skid can ride in the backseat. Alternatively, he could tell BM to catch her own ride. Although I'm wondering - if this is a routine allergy appointment, why are both parents required? Wouldn't the parent whose time the appointment falls during take the skid?

Interesting.

In what world is this

In what world is this appropriate? No, just no.

My SS has dental appointments and routine things all of the time. If BM had to be there (for a routine check) then she would be taking him by herself.

It is not necessary for both to be there and ESPECIALLY to travel together. Too much friendliness going on with BM for my taste.

I agree with other comments, this is a boundary problem.

Good luck, OP

If you don't have children

If you don't have children with 'that man', leave him ASAP. He's dishonorable and dishonest. Believe this.

who would look after their

who would look after their other child if you werent around or would they take her along? I would suggest you all go as a family outing with all children and the BM and then see what happens . I think its a bit silly they both go to routine appts together ,, understandable if it was a specific appt for a diagnoses etc but not regualr routine check ups,,, who would want to spend 2 hrs in a car with their ex anyway . Are they both organising to going or does the BM book the appts and pressure him in being there? i certainly wouldnt be looking after their child if you cant attend or even go for the journey to get out of town for a bit ,,, i wouldnt even offer your 15yr look after the other kid. If you didnt ask or anything ,, would he have yold you all the info to begin with about going with the ex to these appts? seems like hes tippy toeing around something

OMG!! OP your DH and the BM

OMG!! OP your DH and the BM should've just stayed together I mean I couldn't deal with this. You're their babysitter while they get to skip off and travel together to their kid's medical appointments. I mean WOW!! It seems like your DH either likes being around BM or he doesn't want to rock the boat with her and would rather rock the boat with you. So your DH is putting BM's feelings first.

OMG!! OP your DH and the BM

Oh HELL to the no! I'd make

Oh HELL to the no! I'd make it weird for him...say "oh cool, family trip time, we're ALL going, let's take the van!" just to see his stupid face.

Man, this would put me over the edge. No way in hell. Poor boundaries, but not atypical for enmeshed divorced parents. My BIL/SIL divorced and they will have bdays together (fine) but also fishing and haircuts with both parents there, and back to school shopping together....EWWWW eff that noise!