It’s been almost 2 years now. I’m having issues with my Disneyland dad BF since month 6.

He’s father of 2 kids of 2 different mothers, SS12, SD3, on a 50/50 custody schedule. I’m a child free woman by choice. 

The first interactions with the kids were positive, I made sure I met them (as dad’s friend) before even getting serious about the relationship, since I knew this could be an issue for me. Kids were great, sweet and behaved. It’s also good to note this was my first relationship where kids were involved, so I was totally unaware of all these step parenting issues. 

I was raised in a very strict and almost loveless environment, my only model role on that subject was my sister who treats her daughter on a very down to earth way (divorced, has fulltime custody).

BF and I are amazing whenever it comes to his kid free days. We live in separate houses (I just moved to an apartment on my own, it’s clear that I cannot share a house with his kids) and we never had a fight OTHER THAN about his way of dealing with his kids or exes. He’s an extremely good hearted man, helped me a lot on important issues, but his biggest issue is he can’t stand up to anyone.

So after 1,5 y of having monthly fights (on the last 3 months the fights are weekly, every time the kids are around), always about the same subject, with very painful moments such as:

- Abandonment: didn’t help me on my move, when his kids are around he cannot do anything other than what his kids are willing to, and various other disastrous interactions where he decides to leave me alone because his kids asked to, wich I’m not mentioning here for the sake of concision;

- Untrusty behavior: deciding schedules with his exes without considering my opinion, only making kids vacation plans with his brother, what includes 4 more kids and that only speak german, wich I cannot speak;

- Lack of support: never backing me up when kids are being abusive or competitive towards me, gas lighting me whenever I mention my feelings about it.

I just came back from a 3 week vacation to my birth country (I moved countries 3 years ago) and have had an amazing time meeting friends and having all kinds of positive interactions (my friends are like me, childless and free). Since I’m back I can’t stop crying. It seems like I’m back in the cage and I didn’t feel like seeing my skids, for the fear they could make me feel even worse, since every interaction comes loaded with negative energy. Now it becomes clear to me the reason for my depression. It’s mostly my environment and the people that surround me that are pulling me down, I’ve changed from a workaholic dedicated business owner to a depressive and lost human on those last 2 years, and although I always blamed it on outside circumstances like the weather or how difficult my business niche is, I came to realise being left out and abandoned by my boyfriend in all kinds of ways EVERY WEEK is the real reason for my misery, and it has had serious consequences on my professional and social life.

What I’m looking for here is some kind of support. I’ve read a ton of blogs on this site and it seems I finally found people that completely understand how I feel that I can talk to.

Thank you <3