New here and needing someone to commiserate with.
Hi, I'm Emma. I'm new here but have been a stepparent for 6 years. I have 2 SSs, my husband has 50/50 though it was us having them 90% and her 10% the first 3 years with me being the primary caregiver.
I could really use some advice or perspective without the traditional 'you knew what you were getting into marrying a man with kids'
Without taking up your whole day I'll just say my SSs really dislike me and have treated me and my bios awful all these years. It has caused tension and strain constantly. I chose to mostly disengage after 3 years of me caring for them nearly without either of their parents. The extreme stress damaged my mental health.
Despite this, I've bit my tongue and aimed for peaceful visits with them with as little drama as possible. I've made excuses for my SSs behaviors like, they're children of divorce, their mom is more friend than parent, their grandparents enthusiastically encourage their behaviors, etc. Whatever excuse I could think of. We were trying to be the steady, stable house and hoped they'd come around. I tolerated this because I love my husband. Because I thought I lucked out with a loving, honest, reliable man.
I found out today he's lied to me our entire relationship and marriage and has been paying BM hundreds of dollars above his required child support monthly and above the extras we already supply for them. He's misrepresented his pay and re-routed money to keep this from being noticed. BM will frequently demand he pay her bills or buy her things or pay for her hair appointments because her husband refuses to hold a job and she lives quite a ways about her means.
All this time though he's told me we don't need to discuss helping her because he's covered his obligation to the boys and we have them so often he's not entertaining her demands but it turns out he's been doing it all along. Even during times we were barely making it.
I don't know how to get past his consistent, multi year lies. I don't understand why he'd lie when I'd often asked if he wanted to look at our finances to try to help. I don't know what to do or what I'm asking. Maybe if we can ever get beyond this or maybe for strength to leave. I'm so lost. My children love him, he's adopted them and we have a toddler together. This will break their hearts but I feel I can't trust him.
I'm feeling so defeated
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Welcome.
Wow - how did he react when you found out that he'd been lying all these years? Or does he not yet know that you know?
It's hard to rebuild trust after being lied to - especially if he's downplaying it.
Exactly my thoughts.
Exactly my thoughts.
If you want to stay, counseling is required (or even if you don't) and a financial counselor too.
Separate your money.
Full transparency is the only way out.
How awful. He's gone to great
How awful. He's gone to great lengths and I'd have to wonder what else he's lied about. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I also believe that you should get marriage and financial counseling, and separate your finances.
He knows, I told him
He knows, I told him yesterday. It was a relative accident that I found out, we each have our own paypal accounts but I've been having issues with mine (my ssn is apparently on the dark web according to my credit monitoring and my accounts are slowly being broken into like dominoes. Didn't get my PayPal password changed before it was gotten into) so I used his for an order and that's where he's been sending her money from.
His stance is he was protecting me because it's stressful to deal with his high conflict ex. His kids don't just focus their disdain on me, they don't like him either and he knows it makes me sad. So, he claims it's all about saving me from dealing with stress. I think it's a copout.
I also firmly believe in privacy. I've never searched his phone, Facebook email, etc. I spent years as a single parent and value my personal space. He and his ex routinely violated each other's privacy. So very early on in our relationship when I caught him going through my phone I told him if I ever felt the level of distrust that led me to search his things we were over and he should feel the same because he wasn't violating my privacy over nothing ever again. Now I feel the urge to have access to everything and it's so against who I am. It feels wrong but I'm so insecure now.
As for finances, we have a 2 year old and a severely handicapped son so we decided it made sense for me to stay home when we moved in together. I depend on him financially and it is making me feel even more betrayed and sick.
See, that's the sort of BS
See, that's the sort of BS response that would make me mad, too. I didn't want to tell you because it would stress you out? Um - no. He's lying to you to protect you?
Sorry, it's hard to feel stuck, but you aren't. Even if you leave and don't have a job right away, he's obligated to support all of the kids. But I personally would get a job and start saving so you aren't dependent on him.
I'm so sorry that your H has
I'm so sorry that your H has been such a snake. Once trust is gone, it takes so long to get it back, if that's even possible. I don't believe for a minute that he's been doing this to protect you. At best he hid it because he knew you wouldn't approve and didn't want to deal with your disapproval. That disapproval would be justified and totally reasonable, by the way.
I would start with splitting finances, which would include him paying you the value of your childcare and other services at home to put into your separate account. No more extras for the BM and skids, and if he doesn't have extra money, he can't provide them anyway. Open access to his e-mail, paypal, phone, FB, etc. for you. No need for you to give him access to yours. And counseling. I don't see how you come back from this without all of that. I would also look into alternatives to you staying home. What did you do before you became a SAHM?
You don’t have a relationship.
He still has major feelings for BM. He still playing her game. Really don't know how you can live like this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing Cop. Investigation his every day moves. If he going to find new ways to keep on sending BM money.
BM going on vacations with your money as you sit home taking care of her kids.
You have major choices ahead of you.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Financial infidelity is a difficult one to get over, especially when he is gaslighting you. Best of luck.
^^This^^
Financial infidelity - and worse, he's taking from your family to give BM personal luxuries. This is just so very wrong.
Then he lies about it and gaslights you to keep you in your place. I would be very suspicious about what else he's lying about.
This man sounds like a cake eater. He wants to have it all. Either that, or he's so utterly spineless that he's afraid of his supposedly ex wife. Regardless, it's a betrayal.
If you want to stay with this guy, it's time to turn over the rock and let the truth into your marriage. Insist on marriage counseling, and full access to his phone and financials. Transparency is the antidote for deception. If the BM truly is high conflict, then you work the problem TOGETHER.
Make this a hill to die on, or you relationship is doomed.
I just want to say thank you
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me not feel insane or like my feelings are selfish. I've felt this had to be related to my flaws, that's why he decided not to come to me and seeing your responses is helping bring my perspective back where it needs to be. These were his very intentional choices. He had to consciously lie to me on many, many occasions. When we faced true financial struggle here sent her an excessive amount of money and told me it was spent on bills. I trusted him in managing our finances so it was easier for him to deceive me.
He insists this is related to his obligations as a father and he knew I wouldn't like the amount of extras so he spared me the stress.
Today is my birthday and it's the anniversary of my son's life saving liver transplant and I have spent half of it crying in the bathroom and blaming myself instead of celebrating.
I don't know if I can reasonably celebrate, I don't bring adult issues in front of my children if I can help it and I'm a basket case today so they just think I'm sick.
He's begging for marriage counseling and I'm struggling on deciding if it's worth the time and effort. If someone told me I'd feel this even 2 days ago I'd never gave believed it.
But from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU ALL for the validation and the empathy I so badly needed.
Well, happy birthday?
Well, happy birthday?
I agree with Gimlet, this would be very hard to recover from. The repeated lies followed by gaslighting you to make you think it was your fault that he did this - you were so reactive to him giving BM money that he had to do it in secret? And take money from your home and the kids HE ADOPTED to give to BM and his other kids?
I also agree that marriage counseling is in order, but honestly - someone who is capable of this level of deception isn't likely going to change much. Unless you see him start really blaming himself and taking ownership, counseling might be just a waste of time.
Ever normal person feels the way you do.
I could not put it into words the angry I would feel. It it was me. I would have a hard time seeing any good in this person. Who put his ex before you, You are financially struggling and he's giving his ex more money then he has to.
It's for the kids is just more BS.
once again it's your life, you are the only one living it .
I'm so angry for you! Yes, I
I'm so angry for you! Yes, I agree what he's done is gaslight you. I also agree you need transparency in your finances going forward. However, even if you have that, isn't this making you question "what else has he lied about?" There's no telling! And if he does straighten up and cut off the "money tree" for the ex, I can only imagine how that will make her feel and how difficult she'll be to deal with in retaliation. I'd have to really, really love my husband and feel it could work to have to endure all that you will have to if you continue in this relationship.
Welcome to the site!
I am sorry to read your story and you have my commiserations. I think you have received very good advice already, so I won't reiterate that. I will just say that I have experienced similar to what you are going through, earlier in my relationship with my DH. For a while, not long after we started living together (we've been together since 2002) I found out he had a gambling addiction. He had counselling for this, and didn't even tell me he was going to counselling until his counsellor pressed him to, at which point he did.
We got through that, then about 3 yrs later I discovered that because his exW and her partner were going through money difficulties, my DH was paying their mortgage, this on top of an obscenely large (voluntary) amount of CS, way above what a court would have ordered. I was really upset at the time, even more so because I was in a job I absolutely hated, and would have loved to give up, only instead of supporting me, he was supporting them. After this, he stopped paying their mortgage immediately and I gave up my job. It was a shock though, and he has a tendency to keep things from me, to "protect" me, like your DH. I think I have now managed to drum it into his skull that this is very self serving and does not protect me at all, but is a betrayal of trust.
Trickle Truth, Marriage Police, Financial Infidelity
Its all bad. Im so sorry you had to find out on your birthday, but perhaps this was a gift. Who knows what else he is currently hiding from you, and how long he would continue telling all the lies required to keep you locked up in that dark room.
I dont typically like to give advice to leave, but I would ask you - if you started monitoring him, how long can you keep being the marriage police? How long before he is going to admit that what he did was so wrong on so many levels? Do you want to spend time, money and emotion untangling the skein of his f@cked upedness? Is his behavior going to change, or is he just going to get better at hiding things from you?????
Digital hugs your way as you navigate these tricky waters.