Family Events?
Hi everyone,
Quick question: do any of you take your SKs to your family events without your SO?
SD9 has crossed a boundary with me and I have had enough of being kind. I have always included her and her sister in all of my family functions, especially those where my DH doesn't go to (I.e. bridal showers, baby showers, etc.). But lately SD9 is bitter because she wants to go live with her neglectful BM since she let's her do whatever she wants. With this bitterness she has had a nasty attitude with her sister especially (since she doesnt wanna go live with her mom and SD9 feels that that's what's holding her back) as well as everyone else in the household. DH has disciplined her for her disrespectful behaviour/attitude and has taken everything away however, BM just encourages the opposite. So, since she has pull from her other parent, she quite frankly doesn't give a sh!t about her attitude and how its affecting others.
Well, this weekend SD9 decided to disrespect my mom at a family function (keep in mind: my parents have gone out of their way for these kids and treat them like their own grandkids. They do more for them than their own family does). So DH and I decided that, until she changes her attitude, she will no longer attend family functions with me unless it's a full family thing. SD9 was not very happy mostly because she feels that everyone is entitled to do everything for her...however I explained that this is a priviledge not a right, and that it's not that I don't want to take her, it's that she has lost that priviledge the moment she disrespected my family. /end rant.
No, I never took my SS to any
No, I never took my SS to any family event that DH wasn't part of. I rarely did anything alone with SS, other than the occasional watching him for a few hours when DH had a work obligation or dropping him off at school here and there.
Not my monkey.
I feel like this is the
I feel like this is the direction I'm going. It's just hard cause DH has no family here to take care of the kids other than my family. BM is in another country and DH's family is in a whole different country as well.
My family has been very supportive and opened their hearts to these kids. SD9 doesn't care though. Which is ironic because the people she doesn't give attitude to never check up on her or do anything for her for that matter.
I don't necessarily think
I don't necessarily think this is a bio/step situation. Children lose the privilege of going to do nice things when they are not behaving appropriately.
However, I also feel that we should give children the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes and improve.
So.. I might back off bringing her for the near term when it's just you.... but explain that when you DO go with her.. and she shows she CAN behave properly.. she may be given the chance again.
Except it's not a stepparent
Except it's not a stepparent's job to teach a kid life skills. If he wants his kid at family events, he can go and teach her how to behave.
I have taken my skids to my
I have taken my skids to my parents' house without DH while he was at work, but I've never gone to a family "event" without him. My skids love going to my parents' house because they have a pool and a pool table and other fun stuff, and any kid would love to play there. If one of the skids were to disrespect my mother, she wouldn't be going the next time, and it would have nothing whatever to do with being a stepchild. Disrespectful, ill behaved kids don't get to go do fun things or attend special events. And other people should not be subjected to rude, disrespectful kids. That goes for skids and bios.
I am clear with my sd that
I am clear with my sd that the things I do for her I do because I want to and if she is disrespectful to me I will stop doing those things as I am her step-mom and not her mom I am not obligated to do anything for her.
If my sd was rude to someone in my presence then she would be at a minimum writing an apology note and be helped to work through why it was rude and inappropriate and how it might have made the other person feel.
Luckily for me my family live far too far away to have to worry about sd going to my family events but in your situation I would absolutely be ok with no longer taking a disrespectful child. I may reconsider with imporved behavior but I would not promise it as I want to be able to enjoy events and not be babysitting a child that is not mine.
That was the exact
That was the exact conversation my DH had with her the other day. I also reiterated this conversation myself when explaining to her why she is no longer allowed to join me in family events.
She is also to apologize face to face next time she is with my parents.
Nope
My OSs and MSS disrespected my family and I never invited them again. DH tried to invite them to my family’s Thanksgiving behind my back and it nearly caused a divorce. I told him that was never to happen again and he is free to have his own holiday with his spawn but that they will never be around my family again. And they haven’t been.
I'm in sort of the same
I'm in sort of the same situation. Due to some very bad behavior at my parents' house, i've cut back on the things i will bring my SO's youngest to. I brought him to Christnas while SO was at work. But i no longer watch him for minor things. It's a safety risk, as he doesn't listen at all and has been violent. It's also a risk to my sanity. I'll take the other child places often (though they have the same parents they don't follow the same schedule, but that's another circus). But until my SO gets the youngest's behavior under control and we can repair the relationship, watching him is too big a risk.
I am honestly considering
I am honestly considering that as my next step. I usually drop off/ pick up the SKs before and after school however I'm really debating just asking DH to stick them in an before/after school program for my sanity. I can deal with SD7 but SD9 I can no longer stand. Thankfully she is not physically violent or anything of that sort. She's just rude and has a bratty attitude. She thinks shes entitled to everything and everyone's attention. But that doesn't fly by me. I was brought up to respect my elders and those around me and so was DH. However, BM is a selfentitled b***h that thinks every problem she has is because of someone else. She literally can't take responsibility for her own screwups and that mentality is now being passed onto SD9. No thanks. SD7 is even better behaved when her sister isnt around cause she's such a bad influence on her. Thankfully SD7 is a bit smarter and will tell us when SD9 is trying to influence her to do something bad.
You should not have to
You should not have to tolerate disrespect. Part of me feels guilty about not taking the youngest places, but until he can act right, it's not an option. It's been bad. If he were mine i feel i could teach him how to behave in public, but as it stands now i don't have that much influence. My SO told me about how his last girlfriend, who lived with him, would try to discipline the child. She would use what sounds to me like appropriate discipline (time out, no electronics, writing lines). My SO said that he would get home and see the boy's "sad little face" and lift the punishment. He also felt like the girlfriend "wasn't showing enough love" to the child. I knew her, and she did everything for him, though, and in the end they broke up over it. I'm not making the same mistake she did. Any changes to the rules will have to start with my SO being fully on board. I will help him enforce them but i won't be the only one. And until this behavior problem is under control, i am limiting my responsibility. My situation is a little different because we don't yet live together, but even if we did, having the stepparent be the only disciplinarian is a losing battle.
Essentially SO is the problem
Essentially SO is the problem then, which is unfortunate. I think you're doing good by disengaging until your SO is on the same page as you. Definitely will save you a ton of headaches in the future. Lol. You should probably also reconsider wanting to live with your SO until the discipline issues are handled.. my DH and I have a pretty similar mentality with regards to parenting and were struggling at times with SD plus we have full physical custody of both kids. Imagine if you are on two different ends of the spectrum plus SK issues...ugh. no thanks!
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your DH are on the right track. Supporting each other is the key, and it sounds like you guys have that. Good luck!
Thank you. Wishing you all
Thank you. Wishing you all the best with your situation too. I'm sure SO will come around.