It’s official
After our chaotic weekend with BM doing whatever she can to disrupt our time away with the skids, DH and I talked extensively about the future with the skids and BM.
we discussed the "try harder" or "back off" approach.
DH has been trying harder than he use to but he has been following the mediated agreement from 2 years ago, that BM doesn't.
how BM is suppose to inform him of school instances and set DH up with the school as a second household. Which of course; never happened. There was even a school shooting we didn't know about for two days, and when SD was found with self inflicted marks on her body, BM didn't tell DH (neither did school)
DH had a session with a therapist and they discussed that dropping the court case wasnt "giving up" it was just giving the skids what they need in order to survive.
When this started, the skids would beg for more time with us and call and text us constantly. Now, it's radio silent for 12 days and they rarely ever discuss comin over more often. They say things about "how would we get to school" (same way you do at your moms) and "things are fine how they are" (doesn't sound like the same kids from 2 years ago)
it has been notated in multiple court documents that BM and their stepdad have discussed the case; which wasn't suppose to happen (and we ignorantly still follow that rule)
I feel awful for DH. His SD is definitely alienating herself but the SS is only 9 and still wants to come around more and says he misses us. But we can see the BM beginning to dig her claws into SS as well.
DH thinks the best thing for the kid (well the best is to have a BM that doesn't use them as chess pieces) but it is to give the BM what she wants so maybe the skids can have some relieve from their BM.
DH still plans on going to mediation to discuss one additional day and to hopefully talk about them not moving states (which we know BM will move with the a kids again in a year).
I feel equally relieved as I do sad. I'm so glad that DH will no longer have his feelings hurt as much by the skids because he's going to back off. So that means either they'll come back around or they will alienate but he's understanding that this is the best he can do for them as their dad.
knowing SD13 for 3 years now, she will hear that DH stopped it, she will probably be upset at DH and I still, which isn't knew, and it probably won't get any better with her anytime soon; if at all. But I'd like my DH to have some sanity.
im amazed at our awful court system...it's been2 years spending thousands, 20k just to wait to see a judge...to file motions that BM doesn't follow through with, and to watch drs and school and friends of the court even just look at DH as a bad dad.
I told DH that maybe what we've thought for so long was DH being "the bad guy" isn't that...maybe they all know that with a HCBM that has sole custody, there's just no winning or even settling on her part. and it's easier for things to stay the same to lessen the tension.
I find it baffling that when both skids are showing signs of emotional manipulation and anxiety and anger, that that isn't taken into account because "they make good grades" That is one thing we've heard constantly. Both kids have Straight As but SD has OCD and shows anxiety if she gets a 98...id rather have a kid with a C and be happy and healthy then an A and stress that it isn't an A+ and have so much animosity towards anyone that isn't BM.
but the point of this is...DH said that he is going to stop, after two years. And I'm just kinda relieved and sad.
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Good for him. It took me a
Good for him. It took me a long time to convince my DH that "letting go of the rope" and "giving up" were not the same thing at all, and that dropping court action was best for SS, and for us.
Yes, my SS was completely alienated shortly after that, but honestly - that was what brought all of us peace. My DH is part of an organization that has pictures taken every 2 years - the difference in the picture during the court crap and the picture 2 years later (no contact with SS) is amazing. He'd lost weight, he looks happier and more relaxed.
Traumatizing himself to try to save his kids when it won't work isn't the answer. They need a happy, thriving dad, not a broken one.
ETA: Don't bother with the mediation to get one more day. Just drop everything.
That's what I told DH but I
That's what I told DH but I assume I'll discuss it more tonight.
I know that BM jacked up his CS when she knew he was filing for custody.
through the 2 years she's even done mediations where she's said "give up the kids completely and I'll give up all CS" and of course he said he'd pay everything just to have them.
He also calls the kids every T and Th at 7 (SD doesn't answer and SS talks for 40 seconds) He's wanting one day in the week instead of the call
he wants to discuss holidays (he has none)
and to discuss child support
I assume anything written, she won't follow through with anyways
Right - she won't follow it
Right - she won't follow it anyway, and she will fight for 2 more years to prevent it.
How did he end up with such a terrible CO in the divorce? Anyway, none of that matters - a determined BM can make 50/50 (what my DH originally had) become 100/0, what he ended up with.
My DH was not able to talk to his son by phone or text at all much past age 11. He never answered.
Child Support will be set by the state calculator, don't try to negotiate that. In our case, that was the one thing that BM could not manipulate, since there were rules about it.
I'm sorry, I know how hard this is. But I also know we not only survived, but came out on the other side with a relationship with my SS (though neither of us like him much anymore).
I wasn't sure about the
I wasn't sure about the holiday part. It is sad that he doesn't get the kids for the holidays without a giant fight.
the skids said they wanted the holidays, then when we got them from BM SD cried about how she didn't want things to be different.
I will discuss it with DH tonight. About just letting it go.
mans yes, DH had 50/50 but she manipulated my very naive hubby into doing 100/0 "until he got on his feet" He was giving her $1200 a month even though he didn't legally have to and living in a one bedroom. So BM told DH he couldn't have the kids at his place.
a long, irrelevant, and something that made me want to pull my hair out at first, thing.
I love my DH but he was so believable of anything BM use to say. And I think DH still believes that mediation will matter to the same person who doesn't him that their daughter is self harming...I didn't think about BM just dragging out mediation as well.
such a sad thing.
I do believe it will be better in the long run.
Just having two kids have rooms that they never use, have clothes they can't fit into because they grow so fast, and somehow know a lot of court stuff, it's exhausting.
I feel like I want BM to move with the skids. I know it would hurt DH and id miss SS but SD is a mini BM and she enjoys being hateful.
Funny you say that. The pics when i married my hubby or
were dating he’s so happy but since stepcrap life took over, he doesn’t always look as happy as he used to. Almost like he aged more and he’s always saying he enjoys traveling to my country where he is more relaxed and calm.
I brought this up the before and after pics and asked hubby where that happy person had gone. Its like he’s disappearn and all hubby could say is he wished he was back in that happy place.
but he lets others bully and guilt him and it just makes him miserable instead of standing up for himself.
The only thing that I'd get
The only thing that I'd get clarity on in court is paying for things for the kids. I'd ask to pay the source directly, or if BM pays for it, that DH have 30 days to pay her back if it's less than $100 and 6 months or 90 days or whatever if it's over $100 (or $500). I'd also ask for them to be dual insured as that will also save BM money (and passively let you see what is happening with the SKs medically through EOB). If BM doesn't put it through both insurances, she's responsible for the full amount.
Keep the door open for either SK to visit when they wish. Your DH doesn't have to give up visits just because he drops the rope. He should still send birthday and Christmas cards, and I'd personally do it via certified mail so that BM can't just claim that he dropped off the face of the earth.
I'd also stop shielding the kids if they ask questions. Doesn't need to be nitty-gritty details, but if they come to you with a lie or question, give a frank answer.
Good luck to you and DH!
He has EOW 7pm on F to 7pm in
He has EOW 7pm on F to 7pm in Sun. So he would keep that.
he'd love to have a night in the week but BM says that DH can't be trusted to get the kids to school (eye roll)
I really like your input on the insurance. That is a wonderful suggestion!
I know the kids did want holidays and when DH got it via court order; the skids then seemed uninterested in the holiday and the SD actually said she didn't like that things had changed.
I told DH that I know he wants holidays and he wants the kids to have that but if he's going by them; the most recent thing was that they weren't really happy with it.
but DH suggested keeping 7pm as the time and BM had one day at 8am and one at 2pm and one at noon. It was all random times that I think further confused and upset both skids and SD specifically because she's OCD and anxious and needs things to "make sense" to HER 24/7
About Holidays and 'stuff'.
About Holidays and 'stuff'. Let BM have the holidays..Let BM have fathers day too. Let her have MLK Birthday, Presidents Day...Halloween (HUGE bone of contention), 4th of July, all of Christmas/New Year vacation.
Kids should know the truth about what is going on in court based on their age. When they are kept out of the loop, the x can and will tell lies to make their case to the kids.
Family custody should never make it into court. It should be worked out in a therapist office. FIT parents should share equally.
You may want to google your cs calculator. Punch in numbers for no overnights.
Cases of confirmed abuse is a special population.
Oh one more thing...wait until X tells your dh---YOU CANT DO THAT referring to letting her have it all. Most x want the fight with dh's.
Correct, fit parents would
Correct, fit parents would settle things in mediation or with a therapist or even online.
BM refuses coparenting counseling and will do nothing except emails and texts (DH officially blocked her # because ignoring the texts didn't stop BM)
im looking into CS now.
I would def like the clarification on the medical bills.
I believe that one day the skids will see BM for who she is, I just hate that currently, they believe BM.
we are mean...we take away books (like the dr says) just because we like being mean - SD said Sunday.
and I wouldn't be surprised, if and when DH and I have our own child, that BM tells skids that DH is "replacing them" even though BM has two other kids and is remarried.
when DH and I got married the skids went from "can I call you mom now?" To me saying "you can call me whatever you'd like but my first name is fine, just like it's always been"
to the next visit the kids saying "SM doesn't even like me. SM didn't even know we (skids) were a thing"
which none of that was true. And it's just progressed since then honestly.
luckily I've been blessed with a DH that is always there to stand up for me as their SM and to reinforce that I am just as much in their life as DH, BM, and their stepdad.
Fighting in court increases
Fighting in court increases the brainwashing, so letting go will help what BM tells them. Though you can't control that anyway. As the poster above said whose parents fought over her - they know more than you think they do.
DH should let them know that he hears them loud and clear that they want more time with BM, so he's not going to go to court anymore to fight for more time. He loves them dearly and they are always welcome at his house. Send them gifts and cards, etc.
I was driving my SS to school once at age 13-14 or so and somehow we got on the topic of him lying to therapists and attorneys (don't ask me how) and he said, "yes, I lied," and put a finger to his head and pulled the "trigger". "I needed it to stop," he said. It was disturbing.
Personally, if DH wants a fast resolution to the money issue, don't pay BM back for the medical bills, or give her a small payment plan, $50/month. Let her take it to court and then it can be discussed.
Frazled2020, will you please
Frazzled2020, will you please tell us what BM did??? We may be able to help in this area. You wrote:
After our chaotic weekend with BM doing whatever she can to disrupt our time away with the skids, DH and I talked extensively about the future with the skids and BM.
Nothing too crazy. She sent
Nothing too crazy.
She sent SD over with a book that discussing death and depression (SD therapist just confirmed to DH that we are to remove all books and movies with these topics) but BM did not tell DH verbally (she wasn't there for drop off) or via email (like mediation agreement) that the book was acceptable. We have SD13 arrive with the book in hand (and SD has begun taking things and sneaking things she isn't suppose to have) so DH (following DR protocol tells SD he's sorry but that he'd need to take that away) SD who has been suffering (since court began) with depression and cutting and anxiety begins to get upset and yell and texts BM. Which regardless, BM doesn't make rules at our house but I understand that she was upset.
BM has told SD that DH was told about the book prior to arrival, which he wasn't. So 1 that makes SD anxious and upset towards DH for an unnecessary reason and 2. Just further shows that BM chooses when to relay info. (Shes also told us late about putting up sharps. Luckily we knew to do that but if not that would have upset SD to see that)
then BM was just texting DH (which she isn't suppose to do) demanding he tell her when we arrived at our out of town weekend get away. DH ignored the texts. BM also texted and emailed about the book needing to be given back to SD (while we are on the road traveling)
BM also calls and texts SD phone. It's SD choice to answer or not. (She never answers us)
Then BM calls the next morning (DH hands phone to kids) SD says she doesn't want to talk because their call with BM is scheduled for that evening and we tell her she can or can't..then SS9 answers and chats with mom. "This is where we are. This is our plan today"
things that were already in the email prior to the weekend trip AND what they could discuss at 6pm call.
BM has made her feeling of DH family very known. When she learned that was where the trip was to, she just wouldn't let up.
we went to visit the skids first blood cousin. A baby. And BM calls and tells the skids how their hapf sibling (2 and 3) miss the skids so much and can't wait to see them.
its 48 hours. I feel like that's the stuff that makes it difficult for the skids to relax.
And I also want to add:
And I also want to add:
DH has officially blocked BM from cell contact. She has my number for true emergencies and she can email DH as much as she wants. But the texts and phone calls need to stop.
also, DH received a reaponse from the DR yesterday that basically said "I made a personal decision regarding the book last week"
Thanks---
Thanks---
Sorry your going thru this.
Going through the same
I feel sad and relieved no more drama but sad because I love my SD, but when you get kicked so many times and get so many BS games played on you by the BM you just get tired of it. And it is a joke that the agreement says that there is joint custody when it comes to discussion but the lady never discusses crap with him and when she does its like "hmm. thats nice but we will do it my way".... so what was the point of even asking the her dad if you were anyway going to just do what you wanted in the first place???? Was it just to kick him some more and show him that he has no chance and no voice???