your job.

If he doesn't back you up 100% on what you're teaching them, tell him you'll no longer be teaching them and that he can handle it from then on.  I would still feel free to mention things that bugged me.  For instance, there is no way I could sit across the table from a kid who was chewing with her mouth open.  That's just disgusting to watch.  So I would say something, and if husband dared to say a word about it, he would get an earful later about his failure to teach his child basic manners, and I would let him know that if she continued to display those bad manners, I wouldn't eat with her anymore.

I do teach my skids things, and I care for them when DH isn't around, but the ONLY reason I'm willing to do that is because he supports me and gives me authority to go along with the responsibility.  The second he undermines me or doesn't let me deal with the skids the way I want/am comfortable with, I will let him deal with his own children.

Why hasn't your husband taught his child how to.do basic things? She is 11! Seriously? Bleh. Let me guess, it's "all bm fault"?

My motto has always been no matter who it is if you dont like how I do it do it yourself. 

Obviously your been asked to teach this kid basic skills. To look after herself and he not happy how your doing it. But he stands back and does nothing but still has the nerve to tell you your doing it the wrong way. 

Well if he knows so much I'd tell him to do it himself. And dont come crying to you when she never learns how to do these simple tasks. 

Some kids are just lazy and dont want to learn my sd was the same when she was younger. Still is. So when we used to get her to do things herself she would just muck around. And claim she couldnt do it. A lot of it attention seeking because while your doing things for her your also paying attention to her. 

But when she has to do it herself. It like off you go. Come and see me when your finished. And you not dotting on her. 

So she look for negative attention instead. By crying or claiming she cant do it or mucking around for a hour. Because then your on there ass showing them or nagging them or telling the not to cry. 

Where is all your attention?? On them

Some kids have just got it all worked out. 

That's part of the douchebag divorced dad playbook. Whine about how you don't "love and treat them as your own" but then as soon as you do, swoop in and rescue the child from the evil old stepmom. Or tell you it's not your place to make decisions. Honestly, i think maybe a lot of these dads are just crappy dads and crappy partners, and their attitudes and behaviors led them to be divorced in the first place. This can apply to parents and stepparents of any gender. I don't know how to gently put it to him, but either you have full authority as a mom (then maybe you can begin to "love" the child accordingly) or you don't. Wanting you to do only the gruntwork but have no authority is BS and leads to not love but resentment.

This is HIS daughter and HE should be the one teaching her. End of story. 

Why on EARTH has he not already taught her these things? His "taking care of her" is just shooting her in the foot. He is actively handicapping her. What is WRONG with him? Tell him to pull the finger out and start being a proper parent who prepares his child for the future (as opposed to one who wants to keep her stuck permanently in toddlerhood).

This is all kinds of wrong.

She's not "our" daughter, she's HIS daughter and it's his job to teach her life skills, not you. He wants you to do it so you can be the meanie and he can continue to be nice Daddeee - don't set yourself up for that.  If he wants to treat her like an infant, he can have at it. Not your problem.

Also, why is anyone cutting bananas for a teenager? WTH?

Can you get your marriage annulled?

that would be the best plan

Not your kid, not your problem. ESPECIALLY if your DH is a douchebag who’s giving you a hard time for being ‘mean’ to his poopsie. Screw him. 

The good old responsibility without authority. Once you are there you need to stop doing anything. This realization was a game changer for me (read the book Stepmonster). I stopped teaching. No more making sure they bathed, wore or changed underthings, washed hair, brushed teeth, etc. DH had to. Or didn't. In the end not my, or your, problem.

Did he really ask you to do these things off his own back out of the blue??? Or did you complain/mention/suggest that these things should be things that an 11yo is capable of and then he defensively told you to teach her yourself if it is that important to you? Or perhaps he agreed with you to keep you onside and knew how to flatter you and told you that you would be great at being a mom to this girl and that you should take these tasks on?? 

As others have said, if these things bothered him he would have addressed them long ago. If you talking about them made him realize that he was holding his kid back and that would ultimately be detrimental then he would be trying to change her habits right along side you and backing you up. 

But.....he places no importance on these things. He would rather be the good guy in front of his kid than follow through on things that he agreed with you in private. 

This is a hole that you quite possibly dug for yourself by wanting to care more than your husband and wanting him to be a different type of father than he wants to be. It is an easy mistake to make for someone who is caring and knows what healthy parenting looks like and is willing to try to help thier partner succeed. Sadly if your partner cannot follow through themselves your efforts are wasted and can make situations worse. 

You have a few options:

give up and just accept the statud quo let your husband deal with things how he wants; 

keep fighting these fights and resent everybody; 

try therapy with your husband to help you two understand each other beter, communicate better and find compromises together; 

encourage your husband to get some parenting skills from a specialist, a class or books etc;

or leave the marriage behind live a great life without a man who makes you the bad guy for doing what he agreed to. 

Im in a similar boat. Sd8 cannot do anything for herself. Cannot bathe herself, brush her hair, cut food, eat with a fork, chew with her mouth closed, be alone for any amount of time, she talks like a baby because she is babied. Cries if she is told not do something (example .. Brought nail polish into car, hid it.. Then when dad was in store, decided to whip it out and paint her nails in the car.. Getting it everywhere... I told her that was a bad decision and to not do it again. Instant tears.. He told her she is fine even if she spilled it.. ) etc. 

He literally does everything. She doesnt say please or thank you. Wont clean anything. And we have to watch childrens shows in the living room non stop. 

Not really sure what the answer is..

If i figure it out, ill let ya know.