SD trouble..
I honestly don't know where to start here.. I feel terrible for what I'm going to say.
My SD is 11yrs old, I have been in her life since she was 3.5. I have taken her on as my own. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and 2 with my husband. We have SD for one weekend a month and whenever we canduring the school holidays.
I have come to a point where I don't want her to come anymore,she just causes issues. She is a nasty and manipulative child, always so jealous of the other children - despite being her birth mother & stepfathers only child. She is given what she wants at home, and is spoon feed by BM & SF She baits the other children and cries when they react, she bullies the other children constantly. She is always sulking when she is told no, or when the attention is not on her. I understand that she has daddy issues - BM kept her from her father for a number of years, and has had multiple stepfathers - current SF has been around for 3 years. My husband sees the behaviour, but makes excuses most of the time. Often he is manipulated by her, and one of the other children suffer the consequences. My older children have asked if they can stay at my sisters on the weekends that SD comes to stay.
I am so conflicted with how I feel. She is my husbands child, therefore my child. And I would give my life for her, I love her. But I don't like her. She's the most arrogant and obnoxious child I have ever known. I can barely stand to be around her, she is a dimb wit, she can barely follow conversations. We can see her brain trying to process what we are saying, and more often than not we have to dumb things down for her. I tried to speak to her mother about it, but she shut me down.
I feel like such a wicked woman, for not being able to love this child as if she was my own. If she was my own child I would push through these behaviours and come out on top. So why don't I want to?
Your first problem is the
Your first problem is the statement: "she is my husband's child, therefore my child".
No, she is not your child. She is your husband's child and BMs child. You can give and give again and again, and it will be all for naught as she has two parents already. Treating her with kindness and respect is one thing; bending over backwards and sacrificing your own children's happiness for her is another.
You have a husband problem. Read through the many many blogs on here and you will find that many behavioral issues are due to Disney Dad parenting or lack of any discipline on their part towards their children. You need to have this whole discussion with your DH about how HIS child is disrupting the whole household with her behavior.
Sat down with husband tonight
Sat down with husband tonight and had a good discussion. Things are changing around here.. Thank you
Please stop feeling guilty
Please stop feeling guilty for your feelings. The more i read on here, the more i see that loving a stepchild as your own is the exception, not the rule, for many reasons:
a) Poorly parented children with poor behavior are difficult to like.
b) Stepparents are almost always not allowed as much control as bioparents when it comes to discipline, schedules, and decisions involving both major and daily issues.
c) Stepparents have often not raised the child from birth and don't have years of bonding and don't remember the child as a cute little baby, making it harder to tolerate bad behavior.
d) Negativity surrounding your SO's ex may cast a negative light on interactions with the child.
There are other common reasons but these are the main ones. Step relationships are so different from biorelationships. Of course you will feel differently. Absolve yourself of the guilt. That guilt gets in the way of finding a solution and some SOs may even use it against you to prevent any changes. Hopefully yours is better than that. Focus on the main behaviors of SD that are problematic and how it affects the family, and on ways to make life better for everyone involved. Good luck.
Thank you. You are right, the
Thank you. You are right, the guilt is getting in the way of finding solutions. I've made the decision today not to dwell on the guilt and allow myself to feel how I feel. Sat down with husband tonight and had a good talk
I can see your DH only see her one day a month
He wants to have fin with her. But there has to be limits on that. She must respect you and her father. He should plan activities with her on his visitation day. Most of the time sometimes free, library, has things, Zoo, lunch at fast food place.
get her away from your home
Yeah, i reread and one
Yeah, i reread and one weekend a month isn't much. Keeping everyone apart as much as possible may be a good answer. However, if he is totally "Disney", wouldn't setting some rules or boundaries be wise, too? What if the daughter decides to try to live there fulltime because dad's is more fun? Or something happens with the mom?
Love is only unconditional to
Love is only unconditional to a point. From that point forward it has to be earned. It is no different with kids. Particularly for Skids since there really is not the bio connection that BioParents begin their relationship with their children with.
She is your DH's and certainly can be yours as well. That gives you the absolute right to parent her to your standards when she is in your home. If Daddy does not life how you parent and discipline then daddy can step up and get it done before you have to. So, post the rules regarding kid behavior and enforce those rules. Your kids should not have to leave the home and for damned sure should not be victimized by this toxic prior relationship failure of a breeding experiment and her idiot father.
Good luck.