Need to have a small vent
Ugh - so SSIL's mother passed away 2 months ago. They chose not to have a funeral, but rather a party to celebrate her life which is this weekend. In fact the same day as DH and my wedding anniversary. DH had already said he wanted to follow the same ritual we do every year, we go and stay at the place where we got married.
So DH rang SSIL to see if I and/or my kids were welcome to come, as the announcement and general invite was just on social media, not directed to anyone specifically. SSIL says no, DH can come but it would be too upsetting for SD for me to be there...ok no worries, but then DH says (surprisingly) well if my wife isn't welcome then I am not coming either. Woohoo!! Happy dance, DH standing up for us!!
Then a couple of days ago he tells me that he thinks he has to go out of respect for the SSIL. Great. I told him he can go do that and I will be going to for a spa treatment to celebrate OUR anniversary. I also mentioned that by saying one thing and doing another he is really ensuring his adult kids know that they can do WHATEVER they like and dear ole daddee will just fall into line.
Grrrrr. Vent over.
Turn-around
Can't blame you at all for not being happy about this. It's more of a slap in the face for DH to go back on his word than be a wuss in the first place. Glad you confronted him about saying one thing then doing another. I'm beginning to see that it is better to say something than to hope they will see the light. Or allow them to think we will just get over it.
Go to the spa then 'celebrate'. Stay out until after DH is home then walk through the door with a smile on your face and your lips sealed.
DH got it right initially ...
DH got it right initially .... then ..... he shoved his head iup his butt.
Sorry that happened.
If he abandons you on your anniversary for this I would have a clear message ready for him were I you.
Enjoy your spa day.
He has made dinner
He has made dinner reservations near the hotel as he thinks he will be arriving in time for that, however I can check in to the hotel from 2pm so will be enjoying some little luxuries myself. He will also have to get public transport there as I will be driving my car in and using the valet service
Sorry Looked it up but didn't find it
What connection exactly is a SSIL?? Stepson's inlaw?
Anyway either way, I have never heard of invites to a wake, funeral or a celebration of life. How awful for them to exclude you. Personally I have always felt if someone excludes half of a couple from an event they should expect them not to attend. AND they should also assume all responsibility for couple not being there. Your DH should not attend and especially on your anniversary weekend. If he feels he needs to attend a 10 minute stop in on the way to the Spa with you either going in or waiting in the car should be the way it should go. However I think he should go with you and send flowers.
Yes, by SSIL I meant step son
Yes, by SSIL I meant step son-in-law
Ok Thank you ..... so now that I know who this is
I don't understand first, why your DH asked him at all if you were invited. First this was a public announcement on social media so the box boy at the super market could show up if he felt the need so why ask if you could go? I would ask him why he asked at all.
The second question is why does it bother SD? It is not her mother and it sounds like a function with a lot of people there. I think your DH needs to stick with you. I think asking that you don't attend is setting a precedent that SD needs to think twice about setting!! I don't know the history here but so sorry you are going through that!!!!!
DH asked SSIL as my DD saw it
DH asked SSIL as my DD saw it on social media and asked DH what she and her partner should do. Sadly when it comes to the skids we have gotten quite used to the fact that we are damned if you do (how dare you come) and damned if you don't (you didn't even bother coming).
Ok Sorry still trying to understand...
Your daughter asked your DH if she and her partner should attend and your DH asked the son-in-law ( and it's his mother that died) if you all should go? Why would he do that?
Since you are damned if you do and damned if you don't you and your DH need a united front with these people. You need a sit down with DH and tell him he asks them nothing!!!!!! When he goes to something you both assume you are invited and that is the end of the story. No asking, that asking needs to stop!!
How sweet of your daughter to first want to go and second to ask and care about any feelings there. She needs to stop asking those people too including your DH. Why should her feelings get trampled by these crazies!!! Take her aside and tell her to check in with you if she wants to but never your DH and really your DH needs stop letting these people do this to him and you. Been there!!!!! They need to accept that he is married with a wife and step children. No one is excluding them it is your DH's kids excluding you and your daughter and other kids if you have them I don't know your story so I don't know if you do.
It all sets a precedent and only your DH can change it!!!! So sorry I know how awful this all can be!!!!
Big mistake on your H's part.
Big mistake on your H's part. Never threaten what you won't follow through on. This will come back to bite him. And why does he have to do anything out of respect for the SSIL who is disrespecting YOU, whether or not he's doing it because of SD?
He has made dinner
He has made dinner reservations near the hotel as he thinks he will be arriving in time for that
Frankly, I would tell him not to come, at all.
What was the point of saying what he said, only to show up without you? Slap in the face, indeed.
This would be my hill to die on. Some dates are no brainers like
anniversaries! He told you he would be with you FIRST, and that is how is must be. Now, as it stands, SK's have learned when they want their dad present he'd better be there, even if it is YOUR ANNIVERSARY. No way woud I have this.
Something similar happened to us recently. He had promised me he wouldn't go bc SD has gone ballistic on us both without being reigned in. HE claimed she wouldn't be there, and I knew better. So he talks to the church counselor, after he told me he WAS NOT GOING, and he advised DH TO GO??? WHen I got home from a memorial service for a classmate, he comes to me telling me he is going to go after all. I said, 'Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly." He repeated it a little quieter, and followed it with the clergy man told him HAD TO GO. I said "You're not married to the clergy man, WE ARE MARRIED, and we talked about this AT LENGTH and YOU ASSURED ME YOU WERE NOT GOING. At least I had 2 days of happiness. Let me tell you something. IF YOU DO GO, NOT ONLY WILL I CALL ONE OF MY GOOD FRIENDS (a male he is very worried about) & MEET HIM, but first thing MONDAY MORNING I WILL BE CALLING A DIVORCE SPECIALIST AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, SO HANG ON. GO ahead and enjoy your fun little love fest because life as you know it is about to change DRASTICALLY, because I HAVE SIMPLY HAD IT." He decided not to go. I hated that it came to that, but I had to stand my ground because they have run all over me with BM, SK's and on and on. Sure enough SD called FIRST THING the next morning to check is expected time of arrival. I knew she was orchestrating this all along. Sorry, if you're going to see attorneys with your kids and give them everything and not provide me with legal protection, you are not to hang with them. No telling what else will get done behind the scenes. This is why I am NOT A FAN OF "Let your husband do what they want and you do what you want." I am married, and expect to be treated as the WIFE, not an interchangeable fixture. Like someone here has posted, "Men need to treat their wife like a wife, their kids like their kids and an ex like an ex, and all will be fine." I'm paraphrasiing of course.
If your DH insisted on doing this, I would be sure to set him straight. What about YOUR CELEBRATION OF LIFE? Starting with your ANNIVERSARY. You're not married to yourself, and you should NOT SPEND ANY PORTION OF IT ALONE. No way, no how!
Leg properly lifted, piss on this!
Well done Texas! Nicely
Well done Texas! Nicely played, but sad you had to do it. When I wrote this vent he had said he wasn't sure if he was going or not, but I could tell he was going to fold and go as he is too scared of the little widdle girl saying that he can't see her anymore - ugh, spare me. Anyway tonight he told me that he has thought about it and is definitly going. He clearly doesn't get where I'm coming from because he thought I would be ok with it because he is only staying one hour. I just don't know how to get through to him... I did however tell him that if this is how it's going to be that I don't much feel like celebrating our anniversary anymore so will see if I can get a refund on the place we booked for the night
So sad!
Im sorry you are going through this!
What are YOUR plans going forward?
Obviously he has made HIS choices but what are yours?
Curious because I might have to deal with this in the future.
So far my DH has stuck by my side and continues to do so.
TBH CLove I have no idea...I
TBH CLove I have no idea...I didn't think this would happen, mainly because I had gotten used to him not standing up for us to the skids. I got used to the lily-livered excuses and had just decided that when it isn't about them, we do have a really great life.
Thank you! If your DH is anything like mine & others here, he
knew well in advance he was definitely going. They purposely withold information if they know it will not be received favorably.
I hate it for you.
If he's only goin for an hour, who cares? The damage is done and he is showing his "kids" you are not standing in solidarity as a couple. If I may ask (not that it's totally relevant, I'm just curious, and I may've overlooked it, if so, my apologies) what anniversary is this? 10?
He's hell bent on going, so what's done is done at this point for you. I would definitely change the room number, reservation under a pseudo name, and ask a friend to come be with you , and enjoy the evening as much as possible. He will call to check your room number/story: Husband:"Yes, can you please connect me to Piegirl's room?" Front Desk Attendant:"I'm sorry sir, we have nobody under that name listed. Might it be under her former/ prior marriage name?" Let him worry a little.
I know mine is worried about my law enforcement buddy, who's closer to my age, handsome, and quite fit. If I'm ever gone longer than I should be or said I would be, he will ask if I was visiting my older friend, (her son is the friend I'm referencing), or if "he" was in town this week-end. Oh well...he can lose a little sleep, I sure have.
I'm anxious to see how things went.
(((Big Texas Hugs)))
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your support. I know it isn't good enough - not by a looooong stretch. To be honest I told him he REALLY needs to think his decision through. After all, what he decides certainly tells me where I (and our marriage) come in order of importance. He is worried if he doesn't go it's going to "undo all the good work" he has done over the last year getting back in the OSD's good books....and there people we have the problem.....
Getting back in her good
Getting back in her good books means disrespecting his wife? Okay.
Why is your husband trying to make up to HER? Didn't she go off on the two of you for, basically, no reason?
Yes you are correct. I have
Yes you are correct. I have asked him that same question so many times over the past 12 months and he never really has an answer, but I think it's all based in fear of losing contact with the sgkids
So, he's just going to let
So, he's just going to let his daughter run his life AND his marriage? Okay.
No way would I even want to celebrate my anniversary with him if he goes to the life celebration.
Yep feeling the very same way
Yep feeling the very same way :(
"Sorry, I misunderstood ...
" .. I thought that as your wife, my needs and desires were foremost. I assumed that I would be consulted and that my wishes would be respected in any decisions you had to make in regard to OSD, EX, etc., etc. I obviously misread things. You'll find your stuff on the lawn."
Glad he's not going but what
Glad he's not going but what a shame that it took the counselor having to basically get in his @ss about how this impacts you. I hope you guys have a wonderful anniversary and that your H gets his head out his @ss and supports you as his WIFE at all times.
I hear ya!
I couldn't believe it took that either!! My hope now is that he doesn't only understand this 'one' instance...however I suppose I'll wait and see.