Off-topic: members on here who are domestic violence victims
More than once, I have seen cases of members from this site, who are victims of domestic violence. When they write their posts to vent all about their situation, they reveal instances of receiving physical assault from their spouses.
In my opinion, simply just dealing with step kids, bio parents and exes are bad enough. It's even worse to contend with verbal abuse, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, stonewalling and manipulation (which I also see here on a regular basis). But I'm sorry, but physical violence really takes the cake. It should be a deal-breaker, and the DV victim needs to pull the plug irrevocably.
However I'm sad to say, that in some cases, (and in particular one certain individual), these DV victims can get showered with support and encouragement from all of us good folk on here....... only to throw it all back in our faces, and either stay with the person, or go back to them.
It's so upsetting. Total battered spouse syndrome.
And I don't want to name any names here, but there is one member on here, who I put my heart and soul into supporting. This member was initially on the receiving end of a fairly regular dose of low-level aggression and violent force. This member had a spouse, a stekpkid, and what you call an 'ours baby'. The stekpkid was already becoming increasingly volatile, and was violent towards the family pet (who had to be re-homed). This meant that it wasn't safe for the 'ours' baby to left alone with step-kid. But the real game-changer was when the spouse got so violent towards this member, that the police got involved, and the couple seperated. I was so happy this member was finally out of there.
But now this member has gone back to their spouse. I'm gutted.
I wasn't going to name names
Petronella, the step child is so dangerous, that it's actually NOT what's best for his kids. And I wrote a final reply to his last post, saying that he's doing a disservice to the world-wide community of domestic violence victims. Not to mention men's rights, in the screwed justice system of the family courts. How are we meant to raise awareness with people burying their heads in the sand?
I read a recent post of his that talks about contempt, in which he clearly states that he hopes his ex gets locked up. He needs to be out there on Men's Rights protest marches ..... not in bed with this monster.
Petronella, where is your conscience of social justice?
Huh?
How could the compromised safety of his daughter not make him ready to leave ?
Looking stuff up
I can certainly take the time to read up on issues to do with children's safety and domestic violence.
Can I also recommend that people go to YouTube, and watch lectures from the ICMI - the International Conference of Men's Issues. It's eye-opening.
I do believe there is a
I do believe there is a correlation between divorced people who have kids and their ability to be abusive. Not everyone. I repeat not everyone. However judging by the stories on here there seems to be a lot of divorcees with kids who think it is ok to mistreat their current significant other mentally and emotionally. There is very likely a history there. A lot of these divorcees are very manipulative, self centered people at the very least. It is important you take care of yourself and be careful out there. Hugs to all.
This. Yep. And their kids
This. Yep. And their kids grow up to be abusers themselves. They have modeled that behavior for them. Sometimes we must look more deeply into why someone would leave someone whom they have children with. Things must've been pretty bad.
He's a man. He was told by
He's a man. He was told by his lawyer that he'd get bent over in court in regard to custody, and he will. He's doing what he can to keep himself in his child's life. He watched his wife do her level best to cut out the other child's father and she will do the same to him.
My DH did that as well. He wasn't hit by BM, but he was most definitely psychologically and emotionally abused. He stayed after she cheated on him, to ensure he could be part of his son's life - after he left, his son was alienated from him, and the court did nothing.
Male domestic violence victims have very little to no protection in family court. Judges believe the lying women.
Ok then
Ok, well for what it's worth, I really cared about 'Just stressed beyond'.
Even though I've never met him, and am never likely to, and live about as far on the other side of the world as is possible to, I really cared about him.
I don't think anyone believes
I don't think anyone believes that you don't. It's rough to care about someone and watch them get hurt, even folks you have never met. And if you aren't familiar with abuse, it's hard to understand why someone would stay. It's crappy any way you slice it.
I won't try to diminish
I won't try to diminish anybodies plight in step hell, but the ones who stay despite all the horrible things they write about on here lead me to believe:
A. They know they are being abused but for reasons (fear of bodily harm, fear of losing a child, financial, etc.) they are unable or unwilling to leave.
B. They aren't being totally honest and maybe the abuse is on both sides.
C. They are a troll who enjoys getting people worked up over hot button issues.
Or they stayed because their
Or they stayed because their self esteem was cut down so badly that they believed they couldn't do better and didn't deserve any better or they believed they weren't being abused when they were? Or they were in the typical abuse cycle where they would make up and forget about the abuse when they abuser was being good to them. Eventually those who do end up leaving their abuser it is because they finally have their ah ha moment. Mine was after a particularly bad incident where I could no longer ignore it because other people got involved (thankfully). It takes more understanding of domestic abuse, particularly when it is emotional, verbal, mental abuse.
Then there are the abuse phonies...
Like the Steptalk poster with many posts over several months about how great her marriage was, how much she loved her DH, he was her best friend and would do ANYTHING for her.
Then all of a sudden she starts posting about how she is applying for a special victim of domestic violence Visa in order to stay in the U.S.
When I called her out on it, using facts directly quoted from her own posts, she had me flagged and ST administrator deleted my posts as "aggressive."
Sorry but not sorry. When a person is taking advantage of any system designed for ACTUAL victims of abuse they should be called out on it,. Real victims wind up waiting in line behind poseurs like this one, and that should make everyone livid.
To be fair, that entire story
To be fair, that entire story was suspicious!
I have always said that the
I have always said that the minute either party physically harms the other, its done. Doesn't matter who is at fault, doesn't matter why, it's just game over.
Now I have DD1, and honestly? If my husband crossed the physically abusive line but did it in such a way that I would unlikely be successful in preventing him from having unsupervised access to our daughter? Then I probably wouldn't leave for fear of him eventually raising a fist to her if he had done so to me.
Now, ofcourse I have never been in that position and all my rational thinking is hypothetical, but now I have a child? I can totally understand why a spouse would choose to stay instead of risking a 50/50 or EOWE arrangement without their presence/protection.
And for those that believe "what type of partner you are has no influence on your ability to be a parent". Physical violence is when someone loses their temper. Now, I cannot be the only person who finds children (my own included) way more irritating than most adults. And thus, if someone is capable of abusing their spouse I would regard them as capable of abusing their child too.