BM made no appearance for holidays
So, SS(11) didn't hear from his mother over thanksgiving or his birthday in early December. She did call in the midst of a tantrum last weekend, to brag about the new car she got, and the "fancy brand" of car it is...like he gives a crap about her BMW while he's crying over being abandoned. So I held out hope that she would call or show over Christmas. Nothing. NOTHING. SO said, "we'll, you should just go ahead and adopt him," since it appears BM isn't coming back around.
SS has taken it well. So far. (Not hearing from BM, that is- we didn't discuss adoption around him).
I know I read about people dealing with BM and it's a nightmare, but, dang I'm so hurt for this baby. How do you do drugs through your pregnancy, screw up your kid, and then just leave him...?
SO's mother is sooooo worried I'm going to leave because of the kid and his outbursts. She's so old school, like "he is the child! His option doesn't matter!!" But I mean, he's just a kid. He's a human. He's a tiny human who's mother abandoned him. It's unthinkable. He gets to show his ass every now and then.
- MammyO’Hara's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
At one point I considered
At one point I considered adopting my SD. It was more of a rage moment as my situation is more conventional than your's
1. You are not married. While you are a total sweetheart and care for this child he is truly not your responsibility as your SO hasn't even bothered to make it legal
2. Let's say you get married. If something happens to your SO are you prepared to deal with this child for his entire life considering he is special needs?
I would personally give it time before considering adoption. Did your SO file for child support? He should as that lovely treat of a woman thinks a BMW is more exciting than her own child
How could you possibly adopt
How could you possibly adopt children who live with their mother full time and she isn’t MIA or anything? It’s not possible and is unreasonable. She’d have to sign her rights away. Is it even an option? Dad doesn’t even have regular visitation and you’d be adopting his kids? I am puzzled why and how you considered something that isn’t even remotely possible?
It is puzzling. This BM seems
It is puzzling. This BM seems actively involved, maybe even trying to keep the kids all the time. Some of these men seem to think they could "take the kids away from BM" if they wanted, perhaps that?
I despise vile or neglectful
I despise vile or neglectful BMs but this thinking makes no sense. Adoption is a big serious concept and this kind of makes light out of it. No, one can’t go around adopting kids who have parents and said parents have parental rights. There are plenty of children who have no parents. If ond wants to adopt why not adopt those kids?
I think some people just don
I think some people just don't understand how Family Court and parental rights work.
I just realized this part of
I just realized this part of the thread was aimed at me.
It was a long time ago and we thought our BM was leaving our SD7 with us full time. Whirlwind of odd emotions . I could have left that out completely but I wanted to be honest. Was it right to think that way? Hell no. But it was just a weird time in general.
The child's father
The child's father wants you to make a legal commitment to the child but he is unwilling to make a legal commitment to you? That is more than a little backwards. You are clearly very soft-hearted but you need to use your head and not your heart here.
No. I'm against step parents
No. I'm against step parents adopting their minor step children.
Be there for them, by all means, build bonds, love on them, do all the things you would otherwise do. But do not legally adopt them.
If they bring it up, or express a wish for becoming "officially" yours then you can agree to adopt or have them legally change their names as adults. But this should only be at 18 or 21, not as a child.
Children are often desperate to feel included, to feel like they fit into a family, no matter how dysfunctional or messed up it is. The decision to adopt is alot more likely to backfire in a step family setting, and guess what? Its the well intending step parent that gets the blame because that's how it goes.
It’s terrible. So sad for the
It’s terrible. So sad for the child.
But your SO is full of it. He isn’t rven married to you and BM would have to agree to adoption.
First off, get married.
First off, get married. Second, BM has to have her rights terminated, which isn't easy. If she shows up once or even sends a card, that can count as contact and the clock is reset. Third, get this poor kid in therapy before anything like this is even discussed. You can't replace a mom, and he'd need to do a lot of work on his trauma of losing his bio mom before he'd be ready for adoption.
i hope
the BM is paying CS
SecondGeneration and tog have
SecondGeneration and tog have it right. This kid needs some professional help to work through his issues, and adoption will be a bandaid on a bullet wound, the bullet wound itself, or both. Also, your SO has a lot of balls saying you should adopt his kid and take on those responsibilities when he hasn't married you yet.
Your SO can move for full custody if he doesn't have it already. He can work with an attorney to appoint you as a legal guardian, which would grant you many of the same rights/privileges without all the responsibility. He can choose to not help facilitate the relationship with SS and BM except as outlined in whatever CO they have drafted. He can put it on BM to try.
But - BIG BUT - this kid doesn't want you as his mother. He wants his mother. If you step in when he doesn't want you to, then you're stuck with responsibility to a kid who doesn't want you or see you as a parent. Adoption is permanent. It erases his mother. Some kids are okay with that, but one who still shows so much hurt and anger is only going to redirect that pain at you when you sever his tie to BM.
If he asks for it unprompted in the future, after you're married, then discuss it. Until then, there are lots of options to give you some parental privileges without becoming the target.
Yes, this - exactly. It
Yes, this - exactly. It amazes me how much people minimize the importance of the other parent in a child's life, just because that parent is a train wreck (or even if they aren't!). It's still MOM. It's a selfish way of thinking on the SO's part. Welp, I'll just replace that crazy woman I knocked up with this new model!
Jmo here: My observations
Jmo here: My observations have been, topic of minor kids adoption is a girlfriend move. Look boyfriend, see,,,I am a keeper, I can be mom..a REAL mom. I will always put kids first. Their mom doesn't act like a real mom. But i can. Seeee, look at me. I am maternal. Better yet, i can adopt them. If you stay with meeee boyfriend,...Pick me, pick me, pick meeeeeeeee
Not a man move more likely "girlfriend" idea.
Termination of parental rights is highly guarded and a very serious matter.
Doesn't matter what you think of bm. Back off the adoption idea.
Yup. Ridiculous. You want
Yup. Ridiculous. You want kids, you go have kids (bio or adopt parentless children). You don’t plot adopting someone else’s children who have parents. Not a wise shortcut to parenting or keeping a man
Yep...she's so selfless she's
Yep...she's so selfless she's willing to adopt! One up the BM, check!
Guys do this too with single moms, except that's viewed as "noble" "knight on white horse" bs. lol
I have a friend and a cousin
I have a friend and a cousin who were single moms and their new husbands adopted the kids and then they had more kids with the husband. When divorce time came around the husbands were not happy that they had to pay child support forall of the children including a kid that wasnt theirs biologically, only they adopted so it is theirs legally.
Not all relationships work out like we want them to so question if someday you'd like to pay child support for this child while the bio mom is driving around in her BMW.
Woah...
Yowza...y'all got fired up about that "adoption" idea...thank you for the outpouring of advice and concern...but,,, I suppose I wasn't quite clear...I have misrepresented the statement, because you all are right in your thinking and comments (no I'm not adopting this kid without being married, SO knows that and wasn't asking that in the moment with things being what they are). The purpose of me reporting that comment was the idea that even dad has given up on her coming around.
I suppose I was just venting and not being quite clear, not realizing the response I would get. But thank you all for the advice! If I were in some crazy situation like that, it'd definitely be useful!
mostly I'm just realizing for the kid that it's pretty clear she's not coming back around, based on not only her actions, but the fact that my amazing, ever-positive, hopeful SO has absolutely given up too.