Ready to cry
I have been estranged from my adult stepchildren for right at a year and a half, my husband was estranged for 6 months (only ending when SD announced her pregnancy). My husband continually walks on eggshells when he is "allowed" to visit and he comes home emotionally drained.
I have tried to stay completely out of the picture, which is hard - because I'm a naturally giving person and have made many gifts for both step children and the grand babies. We have sent many gifts both handmade, purchased online and while traveling cor my work. All gifts have been accepted.
This year is a milestone year - my husband turned 50 - I attempted to bridge the gap and reached out with an invitation- it was ignored.
With Christmas fast approaching - and having the new grand baby - I reached out a 2nd time with an invitation on what would've been my husband's mom's 75th birthday (she passed away 10 years ago, four days after his sister took her life - this same time of year (it's very emotional time for him))
SD responded to her dad with a demand of an apology from me, and then a two day text rant to her father of how awful of a person I am and how dare I plan a Christmas, she wanted to have him over and I took that day from them (granted, she hadn't even given him a date nor time - and he works rotating days and she hadn't inquired as to his days off for the month of December)
One thing I do for myself is when something bothers me, I will write a letter and that is my way to let it go. I took the final draft of the letter and asked him if I could send it, in the spirit to try and heal the wounds. This created another rant.
He finally got a response with a date and time for a "family" Christmas with his two kids. The demand is for him to drive three hours out of his way to pick up his brother-in-law and niece and nephew - and then return them back to their home - making it a 9 hour day of driving for maybe a one/two hour visit. His son said "I'm just saying if you want a family Christmas this is the way dad."
I feel like this selfishness and hurtfulness is a direct result of me reaching out. I am at a loss of how to help him through this and how to make a positive outcome from this.
I am not writing this to have him bashed. He knows he made mistakes with his kids and he is trying to set boundaries. We are talking about therapy for him after the first of the year, but that won't get him through this demand from today. I want to tell him to just do it and get through Christmas, but that doesn't seem right. And my instinct would be to tell them to kiss my ass and cut them off, but they aren't my kids.
I am broken hearted for him and I am VERY angry at those two awful, horrible human beings.
I wish I knew what to do...
If your DH has any sense in
If your DH has any sense in his head, he'll simply tell his daughter all that doesn't work for him. That they all can go ahead and start their Christmas doings without him and he'll drop by later for pie and spend a bit of time watching the little kids open the gifts he'll be bringing them.
The SD isn't going to change, your DH's desire to see his kids and grand babies isn't going to change and nothing you can do to fix the situation.
Counseling is a great idea. Perhaps he'll learn to stop chasing his kids, set healthy boundaries and have mature adult respectful relationships with his children.
Skids should not ever be making an elderly parent play chauffeur
for lazy arse people!!
How dare you plan a xmas party for hubby?? You are his wife!! You tried contacting her and guess what?? She was a bit*h about it and refused to respond and is now playing victim. This trip to them is already going to be miserable for nothing
Why does hubby have to pick up his brother in law??
no doubt if hubby doesn’t go they will play innocent victim and send abusive texts of what a horrible dad he is prioritizing you even with the facts of how they behaved laid in front of them, if he botes his tongue and go its you are a horrible person.
so sd ranted you are an awful person, was she specific exactly what you did or was it the ramblings of an unstable hormonal person??
Elderly? He's only 50. I'm
Elderly? He's only 50. I'm offended.
What some of these adult
What some of these adult skids do to their parents is emotionally abusive. How can you tell your elderly father to drive nine hours?!? My siblings and I try to keep our dad off the road and tell him if we can't drive him then to take a cab. Because we don't want anything to happen to him. Wow just wow. I'm very sorry for you and your husband. Agree with pp- counseling is a good idea for him to set boundaries and to realize that what they are doing is abuse plain and simple.
eta: I just realized ops Dh is 50! NOT elderly but still a shit thing to expect him to drive 9 hours.
I think this is a good time
I think this is a good time for you husband to take a stand and put those skids straight.
I cannot believe how mean and selfish skids can be towards their father once he remarries or have a partner. It is almost as if they want to punish them. If I were you, I will disenage from them immediately. Things are not going to change unless you and your husband change your position.
SD is more jealous than anything
Neither of his kids have had to "share" and his kids and my kids are literally the same ages and have similar lives, with the exception my kids are decent human beings.
SD is EXTREMELY jealous and also very controlling. It's like we are dealing with an insolent toddler rather than a 25 year old with her own baby now.
50 is not elderly -
50 is not elderly - just needed to point that out! It is ridiculous to ask anyone of any age to drive that far out of their way for a 2 hour visit.
But he is the most elderly person here
and its just basic respect to not make unreasonable and ridiculous demands but as usual, skids need to torture their parent and force them to move hill and mountains and jump through hoops
OK, I was offended too by
OK, I was offended too by being called Elderly, but you meant an "Elder" as in, he should be treated with respect rather than like a doormat.
OP - it's all been said. First off, it's not your fault for reaching out, that didn't cause their miserable personalities - but that being said, stop reaching out. Why would you keep trying to give to someone who doesn't want it? In that case you are giving for your own needs, not theirs.
As for your DH, he does need to stop chasing them and show some spine. Let them know he will show up on that day, but BIL and niece and nephew will need to find their own way there.
I know it's hard to stand up for himself when he thinks they could be lost forever, but they will never stop this behavior if he keeps letting him disrespect them.
Lol yes i meant the most elder here out of the family
And its just basic manners and respect. Not elderly like he’s about to croak it
I’m a “fixer”
I made the decision prior to the Christmas "invite" that would be my absolute last reach out to either of my step-kids. My disengagement from them will be absolute from the moment they didn't show up tonight.
He is almost to the point to walk-away and not look back, but I want him to start therapy first - so that he has a place to vent that doesn't include me, he has to take that step without me - I will support him through it, but he needs a neutral person to talk to.
Excellent idea to have him
Excellent idea to have him start therapy first, but just a word of warning that it can be difficult to find a therapist who is even remotely tuned into or even cares to be tuned into the step-perspective. Not saying they need to focus on that, but they do need to look at the bigger picture. Some therapists, for instance, will just think it is all about smoothing-over whomever felt they got "screwed" way back when vs. recognizing that most do have to go through some kind of hell or 2 and that such is really no excuse to be a needy, demanding human adult. The focus needs to be on all moving on, whatever that may be, rather than smoothing over. With a narcissist like that, that will never happen anyway. A leopard can't change its spots.
If the therapist doesn't feel right to him, s/he probably isn't. Just like you usually don't buy the 1st car you try out or wedding dress you try on, you don't have to go with your first therapist. It may work, or it may not, and there is nothing wrong with moving on to a different therapist if you need to.
Why reach out.?
attempted to bridge the gap and reached out with an invitation- it was ignored. Why? Why do this? You like being disrespected. You want to play her game ? So what did you get ?
DH has to jump through hoops by driving a exter 6 hours for seeing her ?
Hope you learned your lessons, do not reach out.
SD is one of those me-me-me
SD is one of those me-me-me psychopathic types of the narcissism variety: Common traits of a narcissist are a sense of self-importance and the belief that s/he is special and superior to others, according to Psychology Today. A narcissist also has a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy towards others.
The term narcissist gets thrown around a lot today, but if the shoe fits, it fits.
How to deal with a narcissist:
Son (or son-in-law) sounds like he is pandering to her, which is the worst thing to do with that personality disorder. Once she has someone hooked, the price is going to keep going up for one to continue to deserve the "honor" of being in her presence. Dad may need to let it go. She'll just keep asking for more and more, until he is flat-out given the choice of her or you.
She is the “controller”
Her brother, her husband and her kids do her "bidding" - all out of fear of her wrath if they don't. I have hope her brother outgrows her and does his own thing, but the message he sent about Christmas has me doubting that.
Nothing like starting a
Nothing like starting a family Christmas off with threats. His son said "I'm just saying if you want a family Christmas this is the way dad." Gee, that must've made dad feel all warm and fuzzy. Maybe he should tell them he'll go if they look up and read, together, what the true meaning of Christmas is. (The true meaning of Christmas is love.) Don't see much of that here, and doubt they'll be much of that at the Christman party, either. Sounds to me like SD's family is already drawing the battle lines. "Oh, daddy poops, you'll just have to prove to me you love me. If you love me, you'll drive 9 hrs. and risk a heart-attack just to spend 1-2 hours in the presence of ME! and my cohorts."
Date/time
The ironic thing - this "demand" was in place with no confirmation from BIL/niece/nephew of being able to attend. They are NOT able to attend - takes some stress off DH, but now it's just dealing with these "adults" for a couple hours.
Just hoping for keeping the peace until DH comes home - 2020 will be the year for healthy boundaries or total estrangement.
Rather than waiting around to
Rather than waiting around to whine and salivate like Pavlov's dog for his children to throw him a bone I woudl suggest that you and DH start making the Holidays adventure travel time so that he can replace the depression of his sister's suicide, his mothers death, and his kid's toxic manipulative bullshit with happy and positive memories.
10 years of periodic depression over the loss of a sib is way too long and I have to assume that is also the case with the loss of a parent. My youngest brother's 47th birthday would have been last month. The 46th anniversary of his death was a few months before the anniversary of his birthday. Occassionally my parents will have a rough day on the anniversary of his death or on his birthday but is is not an annual event. It is a once every half decade to decade event.
I understand that everyone is different but DH has to start focusing on some positives in life rather than the depressing stuff.
So, book a cruise, go see Austria in the Winter and enjoy the Crampus festivals, make the Holidays a special time for the two of you together somewhere doing things that will replace the depressing stuff.
Just my thoughts of course.