Heartless?
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So how do you deal with it when your stepkid is upset about something, your spouse is upset, and you just can't muster up that emotion? I don't want to seem heartless or uncaring (I'm not either). I just have a different approach to kids and, honestly, not much of an emotional connection to my SS.
So your H gets upset that you
So your H gets upset that you don't "care" because you don't react like he expects. You are cordial and have kind words, other than that does H expect you to jump through hoops and get SS an icecream....I mean really! I agree that as parents our job is to guide them, not do and fix everything for them. Allow them to feel the emotions that come up and for them to learn how to manage and cope with them.
News flash but we can't smooth over everything for our kids. This is life and it's a learning experience so your H needs to get with the reality that he can't always be there to save the day and get upset because you don't "care" like he does.
Agreed. I think this is one
Agreed. I think this is one of DH's sensitive areas. I know he worries about SS socially. SS is still kind of emotionally immature for his age. He tends to get kind of wild when around other kids and can be a bit "much." Seems to get along with other kids fine for the most part, but doesn't appear to have many friends. And BM and her family are kind of odd. I think DH is worried SS will end up like them.
Honestly I would stop
Honestly I would stop attempting to act like you care. Eventually DH will get used to the idea that you dont feel the same way about it and stop expecting that reaction. He needs to accept that its not your kid and you dont feel like he does. Most likely your reaction is actually more reasonable and the same way a teacher or daycare worker or someone else who is around the kid but not the parent would respond.
My DH was way worse than this at first and would actually attempt to sometimes manipulate me BM style with "you don't care about her." Now he would never bother trying that.
I'm a bit more of a pragmatic
I'm a bit more of a pragmatic person than most... My DH is too.. but of course has a bit more "feels" for his kids than I do, in general.
Since I have more emotional distance, it might be a bit easier for me to more logically look at the situation and not take things as personally as a child or Bio parent might.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you.. or that you are heartless. DH.. you may think it's the end of the world when a kid doesn't get an invite to a birthday party.. but in the grand scheme of things it isn't the end of the world and we all have to deal with disappointments in our lives. We can't protect kids from everything.
Maybe your SS is a problem at school
And birthday classmate parents did nit want to deal with him. Was BM going to party to parent her kid or just unleash him on the classmates.
Do any of you, BM or BF ever go to SS school and talk to the teachers ?
BM and DH alternate on going
BM and DH alternate on going to the parent teacher conferences, both tend to go to class parties (when I was a kid, parents didn't do that but apparently it's a thing now), and DH sometimes chaperones field trips. Report cards and conferences, teacher never has negative comments about his behavior or getting along with other kids. The school has one of those daily behavior reports in the parent portal app and SS usually gets a good (or at least "acceptable") report. Only problem he seems to have is talking too much.
Now, when he was younger, there were more problems with being still, etc., but nothing beyond typical, energetic boy stuff.
He'll still act out some with his parents, but I've never noticed big problems with other kids. Just once when he got in a tiff with a baseball teammate when SS thought the kid stole his sports drink. Quickly handled and diffused by the coaches. I could buy that he gets overexcited and annoying and he's immature in some ways (quick to cry). I doubt he's bullying anyone or really acting out. But I think it's very possible, given his personality, that he just doesn't "click" with the other kids and as he gets older, that's going to become more obvious.
DH and I try to work on things like table manners, but he'll still do things like rub his hand on his empty plate and stick his fingers in his mouth. Gag! Again, DH jumps on that pretty quick. But if his BM doesn't correct it too... I know table manners aren't of the utmost importance for 9-year-old boys, but it's still something that could start to have an impact. Also, he'll decide he wants to do things like have his nails painted, or he'll want to put a glittery scrunchie in his hair (which he wanted to grow out like his dad's). I don't care about that. Hey, he wants to experiment or express himself, fine. Great. Let him. But I also know that stuff could get him teased. I think SS likes the attention, though. I could easily see him being that "wierd" kid who does stuff for attention but the other kids eventually start shunning him because he's obnoxious. I hope not.
And, from what I gather, BM didn't know about the party and neither did SS. BM has always been truthful. I'd believe SS knew about the party beforehand before I'd believe BM did.
Kids most often invite their
Kids most often invite their close friends to sleep overs and parties. SS wasn't invited. So what?
Life is tough. Deal with it.
BM's outrage at her baby not getting invited is pathetic. Your DH's joining in the pathetic parade is just as bad.
Don't join in the pathetic pitty party.
SS, BM and apparently your DH need the suck it up buttercup life lesson.
smh
Thankfully, DH has cooled
Thankfully, DH has cooled down and agrees that it sucks, but it happens in life. He still doesn't like it (what parent likes to see their kid hurt or left out?) but he's not all worked-up over it.
I don't join the pity parties. I care about SS9. I may not love him or even always like him, but I do care. And when things happen that knock him down a peg, I'm actually glad to see it. Not because I enjoy seeing someone hurt, but because I think this will be good for him. He's coddled and catered to so much, he's in for a rough time later if he doesn't learn that he's not the most special person in the universe.
That's the attitude my parents had. They felt for us, but didn't expect or want us to go through childhood without conflict. I remember when my youngest sister was in middle school, she wasn't getting along with another girl in her class and at our church. Nothing serious. No bullying. They just didn't like each other much. The girl's mother (the over-involved mom of only child type) approached my mom, all panicked. My mom just sort of shrugged and said, "We don't get involved. Let them work it out." Well, guess what? The moms stayed out of it and the girls dealt with it. Within a year, they were pals.
I wish DH and BM and her family had a similar outlook. They're not doing SS any favors. I'm sure SS's emotional immaturity (crying at anything) can be linked at least in part to this.