handling husbands ex
hi
my husbands ex has shown their adult daughter (24yrs) an email depicting boundaries that he has set regarding their contact, where he has declined to catch up with her. she then suggested with the adult children, whereby he reiterated his boundaries. we get on well with his children and his ex cares for them as well so there is no issue with how things are going in building separate lives/relationships with them.
his ex showed his daughter the email and she is now super angry with him & blaming him for them not all getting together. he & his ex have had minimal contact over the past 18 mths while settling the separation (they never married), & she still appears emotionally dependant (he has agreed to chat etc where urgent coparenting issues my arise but made it clear he had no interest in simply catching up with her. she acts like i don’t exist (surprise surprise!) & is now wanting them to play happy families (out of the blue mind you) at xmas. his daughters are 30 & 24yrs. she took settlement to lawyers when he was wanting to settle amicably.
the issue is, he/we are now dealing with his daughter who has obviously been manipulated by her as she showed the daughter his email response.
what do i do as his new wife?
i get on really well with this particular daughter (the older one i stay away from as she’s very provocative & difficult etc). i fear she is being manipulated by his ex & that showing her that private email was really privocative & decisive. my husband agrees & he wants me him and the daughter to talk further about it. as i said to him, they are adults & there’s little need (if any?) to even coparent. am i off the mark here?
If the daughters are 30 and
If the daughters are 30 and 24 there is no need to coparent. No need to catch up with the ex.
i totally agree with you. i
i totally agree with you. i have said to him in the past that they’re not 8 & 4! he only now gets this. guilt was his driver i believe.
thanks for your kind thoughts.
You have nothing to do. Treat
You have nothing to do. Treat the sd as you always have unless she starts to interact differently with you.
Your husband should throw any thoughts of coparenting out of the window unless his children are dependent on him and his ex due to mental and/or physical incapacities.
Your husband and his ex may meet at major life events that their daughters go through in the future but apart from that have no need to communicate beyond finalizing the separation and even that should go through the lawyers for the most part.
What was in this email that was so shocking to everyone??
Your husband can remind his daughter how break ups work and that she is an adult and perfectly capable of coping with parents who no longer want to socialize. Just as she would if two of her friends broke up.
yes, i feel this too. he &
yes, i feel this too. he & her can have a chat but i need not be anywhere near it. the ex is manipulative & i think told sd a poor me story because she knows she’s fragile! i’m feeling fine about leaving this with him & he’s good with that too.
thanks for your kind thoughts
I'm not 'getting' what the
I'm not 'getting' what the big deal is o be showing her 24YR daughter this email.
It merely lays out clear 'post divorce ' boundaries between the parting/ending couple and their ending relationship. This daughter should have already known that nothing will ever be the same again between Mom and Dad. No cozy little coffee chats to play catch-up. No dropping by for a quick 'hello' on Christmas. Nope. All finished.
I suppose Dad can talk to his daughter to assure her Mom and he will always be Mom and Dad, will, of course, both see wedding and to get through any future arriving grandchildren ... but as to co-parenting, now that she and her sister are fully grown adults there is no co-parenting necessary. But seriously, are you sure the kid is 24? *SMH*
What ever talk he does, make him do it alone. Stay far away from it. His angry child, his meddling ex. It has nothing to do with you. You certainly don't need thiis young lady thinking you in any way are trying to make trouble for her mother
yep - this desire she has to
yep - this desire she has to keep him in her life for catch ups is an inability to individualise. she has been dependent & hasn’t moved on. thankfully he gets this and is making it clear to all involved that his intention is with me, as his wife. a no brainer but geez it’s taken till now for this to have to be made blatant! lol
thanks for your kind thoughts
YOU should do nothing. Stay
YOU should do nothing. Stay out of it all, be kind and respectful to the kids, and just smile and nod if you have to be around BM (but you shouldn't have to). These are his problems to solve. 18 months from separation to remarriage is pretty quick and even adult offspring would struggle a bit with that. But if the ex is bitter and playing the victim with the kids, it will be that much harder for it all to settle down.
You have no part to play in this drama. HE needs to talk to his daughter, not you. Don't get roped into that.
yep - i totally agree. they
yep - i totally agree. they were separated for years just too lazy & codependent to make it final. the kids have known it was a fraught relationship for years. like 10+ years!
it’s the ex trying to wedge between me and her daughter because we actually get on very well. however she has definitely been infantalised by her mother. all the email stated was that he is happily married to me & wouldn’t meet up with her at anytime (she wants catch ups etc), and that he will address any urgent matters as they arise etc. he made his boundaries very clear in terms of his intentions & my role in his life (she hasn’t acknowledged this - & we were married 4 months ago!).
thanks for your kind thoughts.
No parenting need - These are Adults
Or at least what passes for that these days. It is great that you want a relationship with the SKids. However, DH has to come to the table. Get into counseling with him, set regular days for the two of you to talk and make sure you truly understand each others' needs and drives. You two have to make your marriage the center. This Kid Centric crap ruins more people than I can count. They are adults, they can choose to form a relationship but by NO means allow them to impact your happiness.
If DH will not work with you and communicate with you, make it clear that he will someday lose you. I love my DW to the moon and back but if she ever fully reverted to her over functioning ways I could just as well be a hermit. Thank God we are not in that place.
yep - totally agree. he’s
yep - totally agree. he’s right on board with acknowledging that i come first - i am his priority, without any loss of love to his kids etc. there’s no competition. ive had previous relationships where this hasn’t been the case and surprise surprise, i didn’t stay long! what a nightmare that is!
thanks for your kind thoughts
Interesting.
Interesting.
OP--lets say that you found a note written by your dad TO your mom that was, well, a disagreement between them.
Now, would YOU confront your dad?
OR would you fall into your kid role of being 8, 12 or 14 again. Crinkle your face, maybe feel a little embarassed, weird and possibly worried that mom and dad had a fight?
But you would NOT confront your parents, would you? I imangin you would want to pretend you didnt see it...magical thinking kicks in.
I highly doubt this email that sd saw was the very FIRST of emails BM shown her. High conflict BMS' are known for accidently letting things sit on tables or on computer screens. They do it so the kid takes sides....case and point with your sd.
Discussions between two adults whether married OR divorced are private. Your bm is an ass and your sd acted the way BM wanted her to. Confront and side with bm.
Just my observation.
IF you feel so compelled to talk with sd, 'communications and relationships between married OR once married adults is not your business no matter what your age. It is not for you sd to butt in either".
Unless sd is married she is clueless about what they looks and feels like.
Bm is a humdinger---
yep, i reckon your
yep, i reckon your observations are spot on. the ex is a piece of work who feels entitled & if she doesn’t get what she wants, that’s what she does!!!
thanks for your kind thoughts
Why TF would your DH email
Why TF would your DH email his X outlining the boundaries he will use to manage his interface with his adult daughters?
As for DH and his X parenting their children together... what a load of crap! These are not children. These are adults. There is absolutely zero reason for DH or his X to interface on their adult children other than medical emergencies, graduations, weddingsor GrandSpawn and then only on an FYI level. They are no longer family. There is no urgent coparenting. That time is long over.
Even if the email was outlining the boundaries between he and his X, DH needs to quit feeding his X fodder she can use to manipulate their daughters and to manipulate him. Manipulative POS people manipulate. Reasonable people have to be the ones to confront that manipulation and continually mitigate that manipulations. Keeping a firm foot up BM's ass is what DH needs to do. He needs to facilitate an independent relationship with HIS daughters that does not include BM. She can facilitate her own relationship with the adults daughters under the careful eye of DH so he can do what he can to confront any manipulative crap that she tries to pull and to mitigate as much of her bullshit as he can. He needs to give the girls the same message and make sure they understand that he will not tolerate their mother interfering in his relationship with them or her manipulating him or them. This is a great example for him to use when he has this talk with his daughters and to smack his XW around with as an example of her manipulative crap and how he and the girls need to maintain awareness of BM's crap and manage their relationship in a way that minimized BM's ability to manipulate.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
He is their dad. He is a man. He needs to deliver on that role for his daughters and deal with interferance from his X when necessary..