Advice needed
Hello. I'm new here but hoping for some advice.
Backstory: BF of 5 years has 3 kids (18, 20, 22) the older 2 are in college (mostly...) and we have been waiting for the 18-year old to go to college before moving in together. I should mention that we are next-door neighbors. Also, it's taken a few years to push the crazy ex out of the picture, who was gone long before I bought my house. Her story: Facebook mother-of-the-year but a total disaster. Uses daughters as weapons against their father and me. She left my bf ten years ago, but just won't go. Kids "live" with my bf, not her, but she manages to keep tight control of their psyches, despite their age. They seem moderately "alienated" in that they have been filled with poison that doesn't make sense, is not rational (and not even possible) and are mad at their father about phantom transgressions (for example, "you took Mommy's child support and that's abandonment!" --and they don't live with her and the oldest is emancipated (22) and he still pays for her college; Medicaid covered "Mommy's" plastic surgery and when I heard that I laughed out loud...couldn't help it, which made me an evil, woman-hating, [add any expletive...]). I have kept a good distance, waiting for "teen" years to pass, though I do a big Thanksgiving for his family and mine. This makes the BM out of her mind.
My bf finally blocked her phone number because she sends epic and toxic messages that are very disruptive. The only good thing about them is that we can usually tell what she is up to since her accusations invariably are exactly what she is doing herself. Projections have their moments.
Here's the rub. Two days before Thanksgiving she was picking up her daughter (on school break-- 20 year old) and she swerved her car at us in front of my house while we werewalking down the sidewalk. She swerved back and sped away laughing.
I think she is coming unhinged. And the 22 year old (according to Thanksgiving vino veritas with a cousin) had a dream about an evil woman (me) who is trying to kill her father and of course, she feels (suddenly!) to be his protector.
I am totally creeped out. I put an extra security camera in my yard. And I don't think the planned move together (next year) can happen. Those not-yet SKids can't stay at my house, even for winter breaks. Not sure if I am over reacting but I really like a peaceful home. If my bf weren't also my best friend, I'd say that's it. He is at the point of disengaging with his own kids.
What do people do with this kind of thing? I am totally clueless. I think getting police involved on the "I'm going to run you over with my car" is like poking a hornet's nest. I am very good at the disengagement path -- I am professionally very busy and have no interest in parenting anyone. I don't like crazies in my home, or near it. Considering renting my house and moving away for awhile with the bf. We both work remotely.
The mother is scary, but should I be afraid of the manipulated daughters?
Welcome to the site!
I think you are wise to be putting your plans to move in together on hold - whatever you do, don't sell your home - unless it is to buy another in a location far away from these nutcases. I don't think you should be afraid of the SKIDs, but fully aware of their capacity to cause trouble and stress, which they have been doing, along with their vile mother. I suggest that you make the police aware of the swerving incident, just so that it is on record if she does anything further. The security camera is also a good move.
Thank you
Thank you. This has been very confusing to me -- especially in thinking about just how much distance to keep between me and the daughters. I'd rather err on the side of being seen as cold and disengaged than invite any further drama.
The logistics of daily life will need some managing down the road...
You're fortunate he is at the point of disengaging w them, let's
just hope he stays that way. Great start by blocking the crazy ex in every way possible, YES, ESPECIALLY FB. That is a nightmare so many people put themselves through uneccessarily.
I would go to the police to make them aware of what is happening, and while they most likely will not respond to this "offense" as it has already passed, her word against your word, but what it will do is establish a conflict exists and a paper trail for them to reference. The cameras (if the happen to be in view of the offense) will be very helpful as a digital footprint doesn't lie, nor do images or sounds.
Moving away without confronting the issue is not going to resolve the problems that exist. We never change what we refuse to confront.
As for the "kids" they are all technically "adults" and let me just tell you this, and lock in with me mentally here, age doesn't = problem solved. Many of us here are dealing with "adult" (by age anyway, not mentally) offspring who've caused so much unwanted conflict and drama, so if you're banking on "They're adults now, we can resume our lives" as your mantra, rethink it. Take a trip over to "Adult Steps" and just immerse yourself in some of the mayhem and wisdom there. The vicissitude that transpires and exists in the daily lives of some is incomprehensible.
Keep us in the loop, and good luck. "May the FORCE be with you."
My line in the sand was
My line in the sand was always that if BM targeted me, I'd be gone. And to have BM AND the skids targeting me? Nope.
This won't get better, in fact, when you move in together, it will ramp up exponentially, from both BM and the skids (since they are BM-bots, they will follow her lead). Your BF needs to make his boundaries iron-clad and not tolerate any BS from BM. It took him until last year to block her toxic crap? He's only now seeing that he needs to disengage?
Honestly, no man is worth this crap to me. Unless he's willing to move away (far away) and set some clear limits on his kids, I'd be done. I hear that you care about him, but please don't fool yourself that this is going to end any time soon.
(As for the police, I doubt they'd do anything about a "swerve" unless you guys had to jump out of the way. But at the first chance to get her in trouble with the police? DO IT. She needs to know you won't tolerate this BS that your BF has put up with for years.)
Yup, definitely get the
Yup, definitely get the police involved. This lets everyone (including your partner) know that you will not stand by if you are targeted.
I called the police on my step daughter’s mother even when my husband told me not to. I did not press charges because it wasn’t a clear cut case, but that phone call and subsequent discussion with police officers showed my husband that he needed to keep BM away from me and showed BM that I follow through with what I say and will not stand for her bs.
Thanks All
Thank you all for commenting here. Good to hear people's experiences.