Finding a Good Marriage Counselor
Forums:
Where do you start? What do you look for? ANY advice on what to do would be appreciated. Saying DH is reluctant to participate in counseling would be an understatement, so I'd like to try and find someone decent from the beginning. I'm not sure how to properly vet someone in this situation.
Networking.
Networking.
Ask your friends, coworkers, family, etc... to recommend a therapist.
I found a great marraige counselor when my XW and I were working on your failing marriage a million years ago. I chose her out of the yellow pages due to her rates compared to others. As it turned our I lucked out. She had her Masters at the time we started counseling with her. She worked wonders in calming the tensions in the marriage and worked a very structured process with us.
My intent was to resolve the complete lack of intimacy within the marriage. The Doc had a different idea of the process we would follow. She was right. We started working on the history that each of us brought to the marriage and our relationships with our own families. Yadda, yadda, yadda 5mos later she told us that we would now start working on the subject of intimacy within out marriage. My XW stood up, announced that she did not have a problem with sex and walked out never to return. 2mos later my XW moved out of the home we had purchased 3mos before.
I kept seeing the therapist who completed her Ph. D shortly after my XW walked out of session. ~5mos after my wife left session the Doc told me that it was time to step out and start living my life. She commented that she would never have thought that under the miserable brooding young man who entered her office 10mos before that there was a young engegetic man with a "child like" zest for life. She told me I could continue attending sessions with her but that she did not think it was necessary any longer. So I launched.
Since then I have referred a number of people to her.
I was lucky and do not recommend that you rely on luck.
Do your research and ask around. Focus on finding someone who has experience working on marriage counseling for couples in blended family marriages.
Good luck.
The research is the part I'm
The research is the part I'm struggling with... I mean I can google, but beyond what is on there, I'm just not sure what red flags to avoid. From a man's point of view specifically is there anything I should look for to avoid?
Man's point of view, woman's
Man's point of view, woman's point of view, neither really matters..... just find a well thought of experienced therapist.
Ask a divorce lawyer for a
Ask a divorce lawyer for a referal.
Seriously.
They know the good ones from the bad.
Or if you have an HR dept where you work, ask if they have a contact for you in terms of psych services you can call for a proper referral to a proper, certified and specialist marriage therapist.
Maybe try your state
Maybe try your state licensing board? Or even the phone book.
And once you have a list of providers, call and interview each of them. Don't make an appointment without asking about their level of experience, whether they've dealt with step issues, and their philosophy on blended families. Bonus points if you can find one who is or has been a SM. Avoid faith-based counseling and any who smell like a GUBM.
The particular reason we're
The particular reason we're seeking a counselor isn't step-family related per se, though I'd be really naive to think that the blended family hasn't contributed to our current situation.
I did seek counseling last spring/summer for myself in relation to the SS situation. It lasted for about 5 months and was helpful. During my search today that particular therapist came up on several lists as one of the best marriage counselors in the area. So we have an appointment jointly with him next week. I have reservations about going to someone I've seen individually (though briefly), but figure it will be a starting point and can possibly get a referral.
I'm over in Europe but here
I'm over in Europe but here friends of ours went through a family support organisation, like the add on for home visitors for infants.
They are primarily there for help and advice for all things family so were able to refer them to a well regarded counsellor in their area. Not sure whether you have an equivalent system?
Also ask at your Physician's office/Clergy/Consider solo start
It is tough to find a good counselor. I had to try two before we wound up with a very good one now. Possibly ask a preacher that your trust as many end up referring folks to local counselors.
Personally, I avoided, and did not go back to see anyone who did do the following so sometimes you have a couple of co-pays before you find an effective one:
Finally, consider test driving yourself. Personally, my wife and I have seen our counselor solo and together and have found him very effective in giving insight, suggesting reading material to assist in understanding and communication and moving us towards a goal. On the one hand it means fewer sessions for him on the other hand word of mouth spread and he has a pretty full schedule.
If you do not feel better informed or like you have a couple of tools in the emotional/relationship toolbox to work with after 2 sessions, politely move on and let them know this is not a good fit.