My stepson drives me crazy and I feel guilty
I feel like such a bad person,but almost everything my stepson does annoys me! He can't follow directions or practically do anything on his own and he's 11! I see a lot of discussion about disengaging, which I do to a point. It's just very hard to avoid him since my husband has full custody. My husband also notices that I don't treat his son the same as our 3 year old son. It's very hard not to! I never really bonded with my stepson and I've pretty much given up trying. I've tried doing things with him like baking or playing games,but it never turns out the way I'd like. It also doesn't help that my husband has his own business and isn't around that much so I have to do just about everything...homework, cooking,etc, etc. Any advice would be appreciated
Do you work outside the home
Do you work outside the home as well? Did you agree to take over parenting for his son? That's the first thing that has to change - he needs to be home early enough to deal with homework, etc. Let him hire someone if he needs to, to help with the business. What would he do if you weren't around?
Now, if he's supporting you financially, that might make it hard for him to take time away from his business. In that case, get a job so you aren't seen as the nanny.
Yes I work full time Monday
Yes I work full time Monday to Friday. I don't even remember if there was a discussion. It was pretty much assumed that I would do most things. He does use his business as an excuse for a lot of things. I dread weeknights, weekends and holidays that I'm off with my stepson. The only thing that helps a little is that if I have errands or local places to go now stepson can stay home since he's older.
OK, perfect. Than let him
OK, perfect. Than let him know that you are not willing to be the primary parent for his son anymore, and will need his help going forward.
It will be a tough conversation, for sure. But you can't keep living like this.
What did he do before you
What did he do before you came along? He needs to go back to doing that!
There is NO reason good enough as to why you get all (or even some!) of HIS parenting responsibilities. HE is the parent and needs to start acting like it.
Well he's always had help
Well he's always had help before we met he was living with his mom and before that he was living with his ex girlfriend(not his son's mother)
Help? Sounds like everyone
Help? Sounds like everyone has done it for him and he never learned how to be a parent. Time for him to start!
And what about after ex
And what about after ex-girlfriend? Back to his mommy? Lord.
Makes you wonder if exgf got sick of playing mommy.
It also drives me crazy when
It also drives me crazy when I complain or mention things that my stepson does wrong and my husband says "he's a kid". So what he's not little anymore...it's ridiculous! He was still not wiping or having "accidents" in his underwear just a year ago. Am I wrong?
No, you aren't wrong, Yes, he
No, you aren't wrong, Yes, he's a "kid", but kids have problems that need to be addressed. Not being fully toilet trained until age 10 is an issue.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH. He sees you as replacement mother and he gets to be hands-off father who "provides". But this isn't fair considering a) it's not your kid and b) you work full-time too.
thank you! I feel slightly
thank you! I feel slightly better about things and I hope that they improve even just a little bit
How do you only cook for you
How do you only cook for you and your child and have the parent cook for him or herself and their child? It would be very uncomfortable and would cause more issues...right?
Any change you make right now
Any change you make right now will cause issues. So decide what you are and aren't willing to do. You might decide to keep cooking for the family, but need DH home to manage the kids' meal time behavior and help after dinner with homework, shower, etc.
Stepping back doesn't mean you don't do ANYTHING for the kid, just that you don't do EVERYTHING. At this point, your DH is a completely hands-off parent for both kids, it sounds like.
I'm new, so what I add here
I'm new, so what I add here is a somewhat worse case senario, because my wife and I tried to make the best of it for too, too long with my SS. Having participated, trained for, and lead NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Friends/Family support groups, I have heard many try to "make the best of it" with similar situations, and the results are far too often the same.
I'm a SD, but my wife and I tried to make the best of it for 21 years (I entered my SS's life at 7yrs, BIO dad not in picture by bio dad's choice). We have been told we did everything financially and humanly possible, but unless my SS wanted to do and be better, nothing would change. He proved he did not want to change, so we changed....he no longer is allowed to live with us, after attacking me late last summer. All this negative news has a point....if you keep doing the same things, or change nothing, you already know the results. We can't guarantee that a change will make everything better, but it's better to try something, than keep things the same. Best of luck to you, I'm also glad to have found these forums. 22 years ago, I thought long and hard about trying to have a relationship with the wonderful woman I had met and her three children. It does not seem to get easier like I had hoped, and once the SKids hit the teens, it's just wonderful to count how many times "You are not my father!" gets screamed at you by each because of whatever terrible injustice your decision has caused. You have to remember to hang in there for yourself.
after school care
Here's an option: Does the school have an after school program so ss would stay there until 5 or so when dh could pick him up? That would give you a little more time on your own after work with your own child and do shopping, errands. Sounds like ss has some problems with hygiene. Has he been tested for any disabilities?
My ex had his own business, so I know what you're talking about with that. Still, your dh needs to open his eyes about his own child.
He's at home for about 2
He's at home for about 2 hours alone until I get home. I have a long commute and then I pickup my 3 year old at my Mom's. My stepson was diagnosed with ADHD but it's very mild, so it's really not an excuse. I'm the one that took him for the testing and at least now he gets more time for tests and a little extra help. I pushed for the testing because he used to cry about homework and could not focus. My husband definitely doesn't like to face things when it comes to his son probably because he feels like it's his fault. He thinks everything he does is normal. My stepson's mother wants more time with him so there's a court date next week and I actually hope that she wins! I'm terrible!
Stepson mistreating his half brother
I'm so upset! Everytime I think that I should be nicer to my stepson and empathasize with him he seems to do something horrible! He's had to start sharing a bedroom with my son (his half brother) and lately my little guy wants to play in the bedroom. I understand that they have a big age difference ( 3 and 11) and that little brother's can be annoying but there's no excuse. My little guy was screaming and crying because my SS put his leg out to block my 3 yr old so he tripped and fell. What makes it even worse is that when my husband ran to the bedroom & asked him what happened he lied saying he didn't know how his brother got hurt! He didn't even own upto what he did or apologize! Not that an apology would even help!! Thank goodness my husband came down pretty hard on him, but if this keeps happening I don't know what I'll do! I already am not a fan of my SS
Time to put the 11yo in a
Time to put the 11yo in a remote space in the home. If he can't act appropriately with a 3yo then he has no place in the home or family other than on the periphery.
My younger brother and I shared a room for 4 years. I was 10-14 and he was 4-8 during that time. As the elder sib my parents made it clear that I was responsible for the safety of my brother. Had I done to him what your SS does to your 3yo my parents would have made it abundantly and painfully clear that that would not happen again.