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Showing Affection

Stepmom-of-1's picture

Submitted by Stepmom-of-1 on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 7:54pm

It's days and nights like tonight where step parenting is totally worth it. I got to be with my SD5 today, just her and me. We played, I read to her, she wanted to help me cook dinner and even help with the laundry. She tells me she loves me and likes when I read to her and play with her. To me that makes this sometimes difficult adventure worth it. But then the evening comes to an end and her mom picks her up. She doesn't even say bye to me, look at me or give hugs in front of her mom. I think I know why, but can't be 100% sure. Is it always going to be that way? Will the little interactions I have with BM ever get better? Will SD ever feel like it is ok to show affection in front of her mom?

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 8:20pm

Enjoy it while it lasts. Plenty of ladies on here have had skids do a complete 180 and run back to a toxic BM with open arms. Hopefully, that will not happen to you. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 8:52pm

I call it being a convenient substitute. Hurts like hell when you care but are clearly never thought of once out of sight. I’m glad you had a good day. 

Stepmom-of-1's picture

Submitted by Stepmom-of-1 on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 8:54pm

No, I don't think that's it. She has told me and her dad that any time she tells her mom she misses us that her mom gets mad at her. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 10:42pm

There is your problem. BM gets mad at your SD when SD tells BM anything good about you or DH. So, your SD is learning that to keep her Mom happy she can't ever tell her good things about you or show any affection towards you when her Mom is around. She is doing what she needs to do in order to survive with her Mom. Unless BM changes, which is probably not going to happen, SD is not going to change her behavior towards you when her Mom is around. She is caught in the middle.

Read around this site and you will see the is a very common dynamic. It will probably get worse instead of better. Continue your good relationship with your SD, but do what you can to protect your heart. If BM ramps up as the child gets older, it will get worse. Read up on Parental Alienation - that is what you are going to be dealing with.

Stepmom-of-1's picture

Submitted by Stepmom-of-1 on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 11:12pm

Thank you, sad thing is she sometimes does it to her dad too. Things with BM will never get better unfortunately. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 11/26/2019 - 11:25pm

The same dynamic will hold for her Dad as much or more than you. If BM gets upset when SD speaks well of her Dad, or shows him affection, SD will pull away from him too. It is a survival mechanism.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 11/27/2019 - 5:30am

Yes, OP - guard your heart. There are lots of stories on here of women who had loving relationships with their skids when they were young and then had a difficult relationship followed by no relationship at all when they got older.

Alienation works best on kids from ages 9-14.  5-year-olds are hard to manipulate that way, they don't really get it.  But it's likely to get worse as she gets older.

aarias's picture

Submitted by aarias on Wed, 11/27/2019 - 10:33am

sadly it gets worst I have been in my skids life 24/7 for the pass 4 years. youngest 3 now 7and all the love they had for me puff dissapper. The first year was ok, just getting to know each other. Second year i was the best ever, third year didnt want to do any activity with me and this year I'm the worst person ever.

PS. their mother started to try to be in their life last year. See the change.

Its tough get ready.