teenagers and household involvement
Im a step father of 2 daughters 14 and 15.My wife is over protecting and over caring. I think there is time for them to start helping with some jobs inside the house. We talk about it with my wife we argue a lot about it we said strong words to each other but still for the last 5 to 6 years she is refusing to let them known and teach them how to help at home. She says she has her own way,but haven't seen any way all these years. All i see (after i had enough of this) is me chasing her to chase the girls to help, with simple tasks like help cleaning after dinner, breakfast, or lunch, and not leaving everything everywhere. So I thought if i take this in my hands it may be better, i started telling girls what to do but unfortunately she was and still is not supporting me. i started with an everyday schedule, i was spot on on the schedule but she was not, and taken the girls out of that schedule so they dont listen to me any more, comon answer is if mom won't do it we don't also. long story short, im nearly to a break down as i like a tidy home and a schedule in my life and in my family, if we don't teach them the basics i think we failed as parents. lots of times im losing my temper as a normal human being and i start yelling as i can't stand any more this laziness and this negativity to participate in every day home tasks from all three of them. my wife, with her behaviour she makes me look like the bad parent that i want everyone spot on on everything, and she looks the cool mum by not telling them what to do to help in house jobs. the worst think is that she ends up being a servant for them as i have started quiting and not being a part of this any more. as all this stress cause me high blood pressure, and im nearly to a total nervous breakdown. even writing this and im feeling my heart jumping around so for my own good im trying to back off. but is so hard. any suggestions please be free to post.
YOU haven't failed as a
YOU haven't failed as a parent, because you aren't their parent. But she sure has. What is her excuse for refusing to make her kids help out? She feels bad for them because of the divorce? She doesn't want to be "mean" like their father?
Those are the usual excuses for failing your kids and making them entitled.
I'm with you guys . It's
I'm with you guys . It's frustrating and exhausting. I have a beautiful home and I like it tidy and I just find it so disrespectful that the whole place is treated like their own personal garbage pail when they're here. They face 0 consequences for anything and I'm the one left to clean up the mess. Apparently since I'm the only one bothered by it I just have to get over it. I'm so beyond in love with my fiancé but the weeks his kids are with us are killing me and then I feel so guilty for resenting them
Your wife is not over caring.
Your wife is not over caring. If she cared for her kids she would want to help them become independent, capable adults with life skills, not over protected, coddled brats. It doesn't sound like she cares for you, either, or she'd respect your need for order in your home. You're in a tough spot. Without your wife's support of your position, those skids aren't going to change.
Yes, exactly. She is thinking
Yes, exactly. She is thinking of her own need to be the "cool mom" as he says in the post, and not one bit about giving her kids life skills or listening to her husband's needs.
The other thing that may happen
is when they are at the age they should be ready to leave the nest she's going to wonder, honestly wonder, why they aren't ready to be adults because there she was all along being the adult for them, didn't they watch?
(My DH was like this but not quite as bad as your wife.)
I have no idea how much influence you have on your skids, but if it's possible to use logic with them perhaps you can go directly to them and explain why chores and learning those things are important. Maybe they'd be onboard?
AMEN!!! You too can have a 28 year old living at home...
It is as easy as Concierging them. ADULTS have to stop with this nonsense and show these kids life skills. Either that or put on that butler costume and settle in for life.
Wow ... I may have just bumped into myself from 4-7 years ago
Hopefully my trip through this could offer at least a little help. I read this and could have writted it myself exception two SS's First suggestion ... The core issue is Definitely you and DW. Please, please seek a good marriage counselor now. Feel free to let DW see this response and I am open to discuss with her or you; anything to prevent another couple going through the very hell we did.
I have plenty of ramblings out there but let me be the ghost of Christmas future. In my case, DW and I not getting onto the same page, not talking and agreeing, not being a Unified front caused me to fixate on the period in my life where you seem to be right now, Over time I became Angry, grouchy, negative, depressed. I also stopped trusting my wife and we did drift from extremely close to much less; arguments became normal; many negative results from not having dealt with this.
She is doing her daughters no favors and in fact damaging them for a bright future. She is also alienating you and the repeated patterns can make you feel unappreciated, a doormat, taken advantage of, etc. oh I know all of these. The only cures are 1. If there is not a strong love then leave. 2. If there is then fight like hell to schedule you and DW time, counseling etc and talk calmly and openly. Ensure that after you or she says something that you repeat back and confirm that she heard what you Intended and you heard what she intended. Let her see how badly this is affecting you and also impress upon her this is not helping her daughters be the women that they can be. Futhermore, it is tearing down the family as opposed to bringing you closer. If she will not budge and will not work with you as a partner it will indeed eat you like a cancer and deteriorate your family and marriage.
I hope much success for you. It is a long road and not simple. If you can get her to work With you and you two become the core, then the marriage, the family and the girls will be all the better for it.
I think there is time for
I think there is time for them to start helping with some jobs inside the house.
At 14 and 15, they should have already been helping for YEARS. A 4yo can dry silverware and put it away. My parents expected all of their children to be self-sufficient. By age 12, all of us could clean the house from top to bottom, do every kind of laundry, and cook a multi-course meal for a big family.
Your wife is THE problem. So. Let your wife clean up after her daughters. Let your wife do their laundry. Let yiour wife do everything on that chore list. You do you. Clean up after yourself. Do your own laundry. Make your meals. Your wife will either tire of doing everything or she will likely end up divorced and living with her two now-adult daughters.
Me too. I was really little
Me too. I was really little and in charge of spoons. I set the spoons on the table. Put the spoons away after they were washed. It would have been WAY easier for my Mom to just do it herself (or have my older siblings do it), but, nope, spoons were MY job. I was darn good at it too!
thank you!
First of all i would like to thank you all for your quick response, to my problem. Secondly I would like to apologise for my English as there aren't my native language. As i mentioned im nearly to a break down,and even writing to the forum is a big think to me as i get frustrated and losing my calmness only by thinking my problem.I will try to answer to all your posts. I do fell as they are my real daughters, i do love them as my real daughters, and i do love my wife. Yes it has been through my mind for a divorce, but i don't want to believe that my step daughters will go through this again, for second time, so that's why i keep trying to convince my wife that she is mistaken and not helping them or our family, i don't have children on my own as i felt from the first time that these 2 girls are my children. Also i didn't want for them to think that I will probably share my love with them with new sister or brother. I wanted and still want for them to feel unique. I have to mention because i forgot it that when im staying with them and my wife is at work there is no problem or any issue with them to help me with any job, they will do, complete , and communicate as proper kids in their age. I don't feel that they helping because they are afraid of me. I just ask them nicely but determined for the tasks that they will be doing. As soon as my wife appears in the house from work denial and arguing between them starts. because they know that now they can skip any chores that we were doing with her permission, not a straight one but something like "yea have a break and you can finished later" but later never comes... except if i got in the way but that always ends up with an argument first with the children and then with my wife as im to strict as she says. Long time ago i have mentioned to see a specialist, or she can write me down what she wants me to do to save our family and our relationship, because is really getting down the hill from my pov. (still no answer) From her pov, im over reacting, im strict and not taking things slowly and more relaxed. "you trying to make our daughters and me (her) like soldiers with a daily schedule" her exact words. Please people let me known the truth as im starting to believe that I'm really overreacting by asking for a family schedule, routine, and from her to take over or truly shere the roles, so they know basic stuff around every day living? Recently i had an argument because i was insisted that the smaller one she has to learn how to unlock the front door to get in to the house! So i tell her and show her how to do it. My wife never let her to unlock she is always running to open the door for her. Can you imagine how i felt, i tell her "let her do it" she answered " is cold outside im not letting her out in the cold to try. she can learn it in the summer" summer never came. Oh my God i have so many similar examples. Any way thank you for all your answers looking forward for more, and open to suggestions on "how to" for this problem. Please remember that i don't really want to think that divorce is an option as i love my daughters, and my wife. I need suggestions for make her see that she is not helping them. Thank you very much for your time and effort answering back to me.
Since you indicate your love and you want to stay ....
Unless and until your wife agrees to regular counseling with you, I do not see an improvement. I stayed despite being broken by similar actions. It resulted in frustration, anger and resentment and I'm only now seeing some healing. Sadly, if she will not meet you half way and work on seeing this situation from your view then it will not change. I love my wife very much but she did not change at all during those teenage years and I have to admit that it came very close to me leaving. Once I directed my efforts towards our marriage and our approach in communication being the issue, I saw slow improvement. You are NOT crazy thtis is NOT normal. I am very frustrated and sick of BIO's constantly sheltering and making excuses. You then end up with an educated but socially non functional adult who will be living with you for life and YES, a BIO who shelters and makes excuses for a teen does indeed continue to do it for an adult
thanks captjacksprrw. i will
thanks captjacksprrw. i will give it a try with an expert's help all though i do not feel comfortable with counselling experts as i thing they just dragging problems for more seasons thats equal with more money for them.
Not only are those girls not
Not only are those girls not being prepared for an independent life, your wife is DENYING them the satisfaction of accomplishing something on their own. She is teaching them that other people will wait on them or clean up after them. Most future roommates and partners will not tolerate it, and the girls will wonder what's wrong with them that they can't maintain a relationship. Is that what your wife wants for them?
She is also getting something out of keeping them dependent on her. Why is she not letting go? Does she want them to be dependent on her forever? Does that feed her ego?
This is exactly what I went
This is exactly what I went through a few months ago. All of what you have said I totally relate to. We had so many battles and arguments over this that my blood pressure would go through the roof. I would get so stressed and angry by the lack of support from my partner that it would cause awful feelings between us. So I changed everything about how I deal with my partners daughter. I don't get involved at all now. I distance myself and focus on my relationship with my partner. It's the only way I feel that our relationship will last. My partners daughter is 15 and we rarely talk or be around each other. You don't have to like or love your step children, you don't have to treat them like they are your own. It's okay to distance yourself and take care of YOU....As step parents we should not drive ourselves into emotional stress or cause ourselves health issues. Live life for you and give yourself permission to take care of you and find a way to make self care your priority.
Good luck with that. I did
Good luck with that. I did the same thing as you did and then my wife started telling me after a while that I dislike her children and I don't talk to them.
it works for a while but won't last.
Disrespectful from your wife
Disrespectful from your wife's behalf, arguing you say? It's so frustrating and the arguments get worse unless she backs you up and gets them to help.
my wife didn't and we constantly argued and she tells me I am abusive and that she is sick of the yelling.
that I am creating a toxic envioroment. I could go on and on.
I stayed but she has kicked me out on the street with a bag of clothes
who the f"@& did I marry?
who is this person?
we have now separated and she blames me. Go figure