Need to vent and honest opinions
New here, I have 3 bio kids (2 adults have moved out). I have two ss 6 and 7. Need to vent! Ss 6 is incontinent of urine and faeces, has a lisp, doesn't eat hardly anything and is small for his age. Acts like a baby or spaces out. Myself and dad have spoke with BM numerous times on getting him checked out. BM response always is that we can pay for it or 'I'm the mother and I say nothing is wrong'. Yeah we would pay for it if we had custody and dad wasn't paying so much child support! Both kids come to our house filthy and stink every time we have them. BM has admitted she only showers them a couple of times a week!
But what happened on the weekend was why I've come in search for a group like this.... Saturday afternoon we dropped the boys off to their mums. They wanted to show us some LEGO they had been making.. ok cool, but BM doesn't usually let us in the house (she always comes to our car, have never understood till now). The house was like a house you see on hoarders, could hardly see the floor or benches and the stench was absolutely disgusting!
I express my concern to partner, he's angry at me and says we shouldn't judge her. I've been dealing with this for 4 years!
oh and also recently found out that BM told SS that their dad left them to be with me! On seeing the house BM still has pics everywhere of them together ( no kids in pics). It's totally crazy.
Does this get better... is DH being lazy and hoping she somehow changes?
Should judge her, lol. "My
Should judge her, lol. "My kids are living in squalor, never bathe or go to the doctor, but don't you judge her!!"
Someone needs to call CPS about the house and the failure to get help for developmental issues.
Right?!
Right?!
I would not only be judging her, but HIM also for allowing his kids to be in all that and no doctor.
Ugh.
Yeah, that would be close to
Yeah, that would be close to a deal breaker for me - a guy who lets his kids live in filth to protect his neglectful ex. He can be held accountable by CPS too.
Definitely call social
Definitely call social services.
Your husband is a loon. You
Your husband is a loon. You shouldn't judge her when her home is a potential fire and/or biological hazard? Seriously? Doesn't he care even a little bit about his children's health? Apparently not, seeing as he won't take his son (who clearly needs it) for an evaluation just because he thinks this should be his ex-wife's responsibility... What kind of a father neglects his children to try and force his ex to do something? Answer - a bad one.
Call CPS today!
Why hasn’t your husband taken
Why hasn’t your husband taken the boy to the doctors himself? Because he would rather be petty over a copay and not have to deal with it himself and let his child continue to suffer??? Your husband needs to care for his child and do what is right for him not insist on something happening that is clearly not going to happen, (BM taking him to the doctor).
Toilet issues are often related to cases of abuse or trauma, who knows what else is going on in the boy’s life.
Report them all to cps and pack your bags. Why would people ignore obvious neglect happening to their own children?
P.s. I get the not judging
P.s. I get the not judging comment. It is a mental illness and not a reflection on BM as a person. I have a relative who is the most lovely person in the world but who has a hoarder house that is awful by every account that I have heard. (I have never been inside myself). So approaching the conversation with your husband as a way to help the children and help BM get help with her mental health may go down better than disparaging her.
Having said that, I still would walk away from a man that lets these things happen to his children so passively.
Call CPS, they'll either come
Call CPS, they'll either come to you full time, or a foster home if your husband can't take full custody. 100%. If the squalor is as you speak, and the kids are that unhygenic, it'll take 1 home visit and 1 doctors visit before the kids are snatched from her.
Well, it never works that way
Well, it never works that way. CPS will give her a few dozen chances to clean up the house (unless there are dead animals in there).
I mean...
I mean...
"House like you see on hoarders"
I'd really hope for the sake of the kids that they'd at least court order a nanny service.
I don't know about anyone
I don't know about anyone else, but our family doctor doesn't have weekend hours and none of the specialists that we've ever seen are available on the weekends, either. It is entirely reasonable to expect the CP to address any significant, non-emergency medical needs.
But if bm refuses, your DH should schedule appointments during the week and take the kid out of school and take them to a doctor for evaluations. If cost is an issue, dad may want to call the insurance provider to see how much is covered. Usually, this type of visit is totally covered.
There are some PCPs here that
There are some PCPs here that have weekend hours. Specialists - no. But agreed, he needs to do it during the week if she won't.
Or go to a walk in immediate
Or go to a walk in immediate care place at the weekend. There are options if he really wanted to do something, he doesn’t seem to care.
They do not evaluate children
They do not evaluate children for developmental delays at the weekend clinic, but OK.
The child has urinary and
The child has urinary and bowel issues. It could be an infection of some sort, he needs to see a doctor. The doctor can then say this child needs to see a specialist if they think that is needed but it would be a start. They would also weigh the child and check his general overall health.
Putting barriers in the way to getting this child medical care is not helpful. Ignoring the issue is not helpful. One of these adults has to do something even if it is not the perfect answer, someone needs to step up and start the process.
Thinking more about it, he
Thinking more about it, he could well have worms. Bowel issues, not putting on weight, living in unsanitary conditions....
Do you have CPS where you live? If so I would ask them to go out
to the house for a goodwill/wellness check.
That should take care of it. They will note the conditions.
The child is your husband's also, and there should be health insurance/care in place. You all need to have this child examined and evaluated by a pediatrician if he is small for his age, and not developmentally progressing. This could come back on your DH and be viewed as child neglect.
I have to wonder at DH's
I have to wonder at DH's mental health that he is okay with his children living like that, and allowing his son's health to deteriorate like that?
If you were not married to the DH and this was your neighbor would you ignore it? Or would a call CPS and report it?
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the comments, I knew I wasn't crazy! I did do a report to our child protection agency about 3 months ago (I'm in Australia). Nothing has come of it, but I'll do a new one.
just to clarify our medical here is different. We did take ss to doc about 3 years ago and he referred ss to a paed wanting issues checked and also suggested autism. My partner did give BM referral but she refused to take him. Unfortunately for my partner if he did the appt it would cost thousands as he doesn't have the custody, BM has a health care card (that gets you free medical or cheap).
But your right this can't keep happening, I worry about ss quality of life. We have had so many arguements over this because i feel it's just not right!