Ex wife became difficult since new baby arrived
I've been with my bf for 2 years. We have a 7 month old son together. The relationship developed quickly. During my pregnancy he confessed to cheating within the first three months of our relationship. I forgave him to keep the family together and because I wanted to be with him.
Sincw our son arrived my bf ex wife has been more difficult. She demanded we have my step daughters 5 days after I'd given birth, but not just for the weekend but for 5 days over Easter.
Since then she sent emails of the weekends we would have my step children, where it would be two consecutive weekends rather than every other. Then she started sending items out to the car when taking the girls home. This included a personalised mug for my partner, then we was informed by the children she had another large box of stuff a few months later. When taking them home she sent out an envelope of stuff including a book, photo and kids drawings. My bf asked where the big box was and my step daughter shrugged her shoulders not knowing.
An email was sent asking the ex wife to give anymore items of this kind directly to my partner as two of my step daughters was showing signals of anxiety and stress in the form of eye twitching and stomach pain, headaches, feeling sick but no physical symptoms.
Now the ex wife is messaging my partner a few days before we have the girls with a plan for their day. Last weekend one of the children had three parties, meaning my partner had to sit and wait outside each one until it finished before collecting her and taking her to the next. I understand this is the nature of kids but we live an hour away so it's not easy to manage. I told my bf that this isn't right as we could of had things planned at the weekend. She must of known about the parties before and things could of been organised better.
My bf and I are at a point where we rarely spend time together now. He works some weekends.
We bought a new house that only had two bedrooms but has a large outbuilding that he needs to convert for my stepchildren today have their own apartment. 3 months in and he's just started it. Meaning my step children sleep in the living room, which impacts on us having no adult time when they are here.
My step children are very clingy, mainly when my bf is around. They don't want to go and play and they stay in the room we are in. I understand they may want time with their dad but it feels so full on and I feel it's all affected our relationship so badly that it has come to the end.
I try hard to keep my step children happy. Buy them nice clothes as they come from home in clothes heavily stained and with holes in. I help with homework. I helped the eldest one a Saturday job to help with experience. All I ask in return is for their wardrobe area to be kept tidy. Yet this is a challenge and often they leave here with the room a mess. Last weekend dirty knickers on the floor and clean washing all over the floor instead of put away. I know kids can do this but we've set ground rules and spoke so much about this expectation but the girls don't want to follow it.
My step daughters are 8, 10 and nearly 14.
Has anyone else had similar? How did you manage?
Sadly this is all common BM behavior
Your boyfriend needs to stick to his CO and not entertain this BM giving him nonsensical stuff. If he doesn't have a CO he needs to get one.
As long as he entertains this nonsense in any way, BM will continue. He needs to have firm boundaries.
Until he does so, you have a boyfriend problem. This is all his baggage. He needs to handle it.
Disengage. Stop buying the skids things out of your pocket. It will breed resentment.
Read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin.
Good luck!
Great advice
Thank you Aunt Agatha.
Its so tough, more than I ever imagined. My bf has started being more firm and has stuck to ever other weekend even with BM pushing for weekend swaps. So that is better as we all know where we stand, but we are still stuck under her control when she's organising stuff for our weekends. I'm so frustrated as my little boy barely gets time with his dad as he works and when he's home it's bedtime usually.
I think your right about disengaging, maybe then BM will back off if I'm not so involved. I suggested I do my own thing when my bf has the girls and I spend maybe a day or night with them all so they have time together but my bf isn't happy with that either .
Part of me thinks that he won't set healthy boundaries as there's still unfinished business, even though he denies this.
Up until recently he was paying her more child support than he needed too. She's afforded luxury holidays, a huge extension on her house, whilst we're struggling to pay for the outbuilding conversion for the girls to sleep in.
it's just all so frustrating as I would never let anyone ruin my relationship. But maybe that speaks volumes if someone else will allow it. Thank you for hearing my frustrations x
Having kids 8-13 sleep in an outbuilding
Is not approprirate, imho. He needs to think this over. They will be in your living room for a long time, unless other arrangements made.
Out building
The outbuildings more a self contained apartment. It is close to our house in the garden.
Do you think it's unreasonable for the step kids to stay there because it's not inside our house? Or because of their ages?
I did raise concerns before we moved that BM would not allow the younger two to stay there. But my bf insists it won't be an issue and if she does then they will have to go home to sleep which again I said wouldn't be right, but we can't afford an extension at the moment so it's difficult.
Yes, I think problematic for the kids to be in the outbuilding,
even though close. For the younger ones. And will the older ones start throwing parties?
outbuilding
The outbuildings more a self contained apartment. It is close to our house in the garden.
Do you think it's unreasonable for the step kids to stay there because it's not inside our house? Or because of their ages?
I did raise concerns before we moved that BM would not allow the younger two to stay there. But my bf insists it won't be an issue and if she does then they will have to go home to sleep which again I said wouldn't be right, but we can't afford an extension at the moment so it's difficult.
The best case scenario is
The best case scenario is that the older child will end up babysitting the younger children. Every time one of them cries at night or gets up early and does something stupid the older kid will be the first one there to have to deal with things.
Worst case scenarios are if the apartment is broken into, or if there is a fire or if one of the kids has a bad accident or medical emergency. Then you are again relying on the older child to take care of the situation and call for help etc.
This is a bad idea. It may not even be legal where you are. Your husband must stay in the apartment with the children when they are in it, he can’t abandon them to the outhouse.
When they are older and all capable of living independently then it might be a good space for them, but currently it is not because of their ages.
This also would need careful handling so that the children do not feel that they are being pushed out and have future issues from the rejection.
Outbuilding
I tend to agree that they may feel pushed out. We did bring them to view the house with us. The eldest stayed in a summer house in our last property but we had to stop that due to neighbours smoking marijuana.
The 13 and 10 year old I think will be fine there as there pretty responsible girls and are very close. They are very excited about it too.
but maybe the 7 year old needs to even share with our little one until she's older.
Such stress. Thank you for your advice x
Boundaries are key - and BM
Boundaries are key - and BM does not get to tell DH what he has to do on his time. If she says the kid has 3 parties, he can let her know he will only be able to take the child to one party that weekend, and if BM insists that the child go, that she will need to keep her for that day and do all the transporting.
Just curious, was it BM that he cheated with? She clearly doesn't want him to move on with you and the new baby. But he doesn't have to entertain all of these changes in the schedule.
Cheating
He cheated with another younger girl who he met whilst with BM. But apparently BM wasn't aware of this.
Since having our baby there's been changes in the girls. More withdrawn with the look of fear in their faces, so I've tried including them in everything, even taking them to the 4D scan to meet our baby before he arrived.
We expected there to be some anxieties and that's why I suggested we stick to every other weekend and a mid week dinner, so the girls had stability, whilst lots of involvement with our little one.
I have such a good relationship with the girls but am fearful that may change now their mother is playing her games. I'm concerned as to the reason the girls are stressed and I was initially worried they would resent their new brother but luckily they adore him.
Unless your SO is the custodial parent
She cannot make him take the kids. She can let them know that he refused to take his time.
Does he have a formal custody arrangement?
She can do that, and that
She can do that, and that would be parental alienation.
oh please
Both parents have to own their behaivor. If dad does not want to see his kids on his assigned time, it is on him.
So you don't hear the
So you don't hear the difference between, "Daddy isn't able to take you this weekend," and "your father refuses to see you"?
Why is OK to tell a 13YO
the terms of child support, but not the terms of a custody agreement?
As to whether dad isn't able to, if dad is in the hospital, that is one thing. In this situation, I think dad did take his time, but if he does not, not for mom to tell things she does not know, all she may know is dad not willing to take the time.
You didn't answer my question
You didn't answer my question. You don't hear the difference in those two statements? I think it's fine to tell a kid the custody arrangement, but not fine to tell them Dad "refused" to take them, especially when she's the one asking for the change, or making plans for his weekend.
I do hear the difference
But if it is his weekend, I dont think it is mom's job to make excuses for him.
I still want to know if OP's SO has a court order, which I think everyone should have.
Ok, so you don't get it
Ok, so you don't get it whatsoever.
Court Order
No he doesn't have a court order. It is something I've suggested and also a formal parenting plan to save all of this or at least minimise it.
I am all for trying to keep things amicable as I was in a similar situation as the girls growing up which is why I think I put my heart and soul into trying to make it right for them. I look at them like me and my sisters and I know the challenges you go through.
Ive highlighted that kids parties are organised in advance and invites sent too. Well at least a few weeks advance, so why aren't we being informed at that time so we can orgabise things as best we can. But this never happens.
Weve had weekends planned with activities booked, time off work booked for the BM to decide the children aren't coming to us until a day later during school holidays and she gets the eldest to inform us, to then change her mind the day before they was due to come then demands we take them as she's booked a holiday, blaming it on poor communication with our eldest being scapegoated. It's crazy.
Statement
I tend to agree with you. BM should not be saying daddy refused but instead tell them to speak to daddy re the weekend plans. But also give daddy time to organise.
Last weekend he collected the girls from school and traffic was bad so they got home at 7pm. The youngest who had the three parties then confessed to me just before bedtime that she was worried as she didn't have cards or presents for her friends whose birthdays it was. I then told my bf who had to them help with this the next morning.
I agree daddy should buy the gifts on his weekend but surely he should be given time to do so, as they ended up buying anything they could find. That doesn't impact daddy like it does the child as she has to go with a rubbish gift and children worry about stuff like that. Well I did as a child as my parents wasn't so helpful as they was too busy with their own lives.
I just think that all these little digs at daddy have such a negative impact on the children. The same as letting them go out in clothes full of holes and stained, especially when it's to school on the day we take them to dinner. Children face bullying with stuff like that. It's so sad to see.
What to tell a 13 year old
We've noticed the girls asking a lot about finances. How much things cost, whose paid, what money we get from various things. Mainly from the little ones. I did suggest we let the girls know daddy gives mummy money for them each month since they keep talking about it. As daddy was paying £100 more a month child support which was recently reduced but only because of the clothes situation. We spent a lot on them with clothes etc. They each had three new pairs of trainers in the last year and lots of new clothes. When we moved I noticed most of it had gone and had been replaced with really old, worn out items that had holes and heavily stained, so much so even scrubbing with stain remover couldn't save them. We then asked them to bring their food clothes that we bought them back as each time they was here they would cry and say they didn't have clothes to wear as they didn't want to wear ones with holes or stains. The stuff we bought has disappeared never to be seen again, until now and again when they go to collect items when mummy's our one item may magically reappear. Even BM denied having them when an email was sent.
So after long discussion we decided to reduce the payment as per the government calculator and instead put the £100 into their own bank accounts.
new house that only had two
new house that only had two bedrooms but has a large outbuilding that he needs to convert for my stepchildren today have their own apartment. My step daughters are 8, 10 and nearly 14.
Unless their dad is going to be staying out there with them, this is inappropriate.
With three SK
Why did you buy a two bedroom house?? What were you thinking. Where are SK going to sleep ??
New House
It came down to affordability with the 2 bedrooms. We had a house closer to London but with the rise in crime and drugs we moved further away where crime is less as we didn't want the kids around it. If we could of bought bigger we would of but the prices are so high here now. When I am able to go back to work we can afford more I guess and when I can sell my house next year but I'm tied into the mortgage still until then. I need a lottery win
House
We looked at renting bigger but it was £1800 a month. We just couldn't afford it whilst I'm on maternity leave and child care is extortionate here
OP--In your community do
OP--In your community do most families use seperate buildings for their kids to live in?
Last thought op...
Last thought op...
About clothing. Moving forward---what ever the children arrive in is washed and returned on them when they go back to bm's house.
Stop exchanging clothing, stop accepting suitcases/bags at visitation from bm.
What ever you and dh buy the children stays at your house always. BM is responsible to buy her own supplies for her place.
If BM has made the decison to dress her children in rags when they are with her---that is on her.
Last thought...it is very weird you call your husband DADDY.
Examples of DADDY-As daddy was paying £100 more a month, 2. I agree daddy should buy the gifts on his weekend 3. That doesn't impact daddy like it does the child
Gave me the creeps.
But anyway...good luck with everything.
Daddy
I didn't mean to creep you out. Been around the kids too long clearly. They call him daddy.
I think your right te the clothing. We learnt a valuable lesson this time round. Just so frustrating all of it.
I guess for me don't get any of this. I've spent this afternoon reading up on everything. Knowledge is power. Let's hope we can get clear boundaries in place and make things better for everyone.
Thank you for your advice.
It seems there are no
It seems there are no specific laws against it but that parents can still be prosecuted for neglect. The nspcc recommend that children under 12 are not left alone for long periods of time and children under 16 are not left alone overnight.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/leaving-...
Dad needs to sleep in the apartment with them.
Thank you
This is really useful thank you Beth Anne. I'll take a read now. I'll look at how we can better manage all of this. It's not going to be easy
Woo hooo make the apartment
Woo hooo make the apartment cozy for you when his children come. They can be with their dad and YOU can have the place to yourself. OR your husband can spend the weekend with his kids in the add on and YOU can stay in your place with the baby. Yes that is better for your newborn.
I would NEVER allow the kids to be by themselvs...very bad idea. Huge problem.
I like this idea! A little
I like this idea! A little haven for you and your baby when skids are there.
I stopped reading when you
I stopped reading when you said your partner had to give a plan for their day. This BM has serious control issues, that only a no, and standing firm is going to fix. I agree with the others about boundaries.
Do not give an inch she will take a mile
Our youngest is 16
and will be having her first overnight alone this week. She is house and animal sitting for my older DD. They also live all of five minutes away and we will be checking in regularly and even making surprise drop-ins. I can't imagine having three kids under high school age sharing an outbuilding apartment alone. This is just a bad idea.