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Having a hard time disengaging. Looking for some suggestions

SSstepmom's picture

Submitted by SSstepmom on Sat, 11/09/2019 - 5:13pm

I have twin stepdaughters who are 14. I love them which makes disengaging so hard. My dh says he always wants my suggestions and input as I have my own bio teen girls and want to help him with his as much as I can. We do our own disciplining of our own bios  of course. We've been married for a year and a half. My SDs bio mom has never been in their life. They were raised by dh and his ex wife who my SDs say was so hateful to them. 
so. As much advice I give my dh to help him out the discipline is just not there. They've both put him thru hell in the past and he's just happy the world is not crumbling around him anymore. But he's ignoring big things. I'm not even going to go all into it but one steals, has had sex, purges after having an eating disorder last year. That's all big deal stuff. But it's like well the walls are not crashing down on us so all is well. He loves them and he loves doing things with them and having fun but when it comes to serious stuff he wants to tap out. How the heck do you all disengage when you actually DO care and love the skids. I can't push all these issues if he's lax about it so I won't even try. I do talk to them about things because they do respect me and say they love me and listen to my advice. But my advice is only that. That's as far as I take it. Then I of course get mad at dh for not caring enough. Ugh. I just need to know how to shut off my brain. I don't want to disengage from them to the point I ignore them. They live here. They have. I bio mom. I always wanna be here for talks and school dances and all that. But I need to know how to ignore this other stuff that isn't a big deal to DH. Just cause they're doing better than they were a year ago doesn't mean all is well. 
bleh I'm stressed. Thanks for listening I feel like I went on a rant 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 11/09/2019 - 6:16pm

Disengaging doesn't mean you ignore the kids - it means you don't try to be their parent.  Be the "fun aunt" - have talks with them, do school dance stuff, give them advice. But let go of the idea that it's your responsibility to be their parent or make them address their issues.  It doesn't sound like they are "bad" kids, per se, not rude and disrespectful to you, or destructive, or mean to your girls - they are just troubled. 

SSstepmom's picture

Submitted by SSstepmom on Sat, 11/09/2019 - 6:48pm

Thank you so much. I've literally re read this a couple times cause it's definitely good to hear. It is not my responsibility to address any issues. As much as I want the best for them it's just not my place. Thank you 

SmelltheRoses's picture

Submitted by SmelltheRoses on Sun, 11/10/2019 - 6:17am

Your SD's are very blessed to have you.  Your situation reminds me of my DH with my SD23 who now has 3 kids. Can you suggest for your husband to go to parenting classes/counseling? The way you describe things their behavior can get worse putting your whole family in danger and themselves.  My SD23 has been in and out of our home after HS. I finally told my DH that I didn't want SD22 at that time to come back. Make sure you set boundaries so that in the future you can secure a safe place for all involved especially if you have young children at home. 

SSstepmom's picture

Submitted by SSstepmom on Sun, 11/10/2019 - 7:06am

I will recommend that to him. Thank you. Hearing of other stepmoms knowing how this feels is so helpful 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 11/11/2019 - 1:06pm

And they changed my Step-life!

https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/disengaging-essay

its so spot on, and the comments also repeat these things we need to remember.

I printed this, and would read it and re-read it.

I also found this article extremely helpful:

https://www.jamiescrimgeour.com/the-poptart-diaries/when-should-a-stepmo...

WHAT IS DISENGAGEMENT?
One definition of the word disengage is “to break off action (as with an enemy).” In your darkest moments, your stepchildren probably do feel like the enemy. The good news is that appropriately disengaging can eventually improve these relationships.

https://www.stepmommag.com/2017/09/25/5-signs-its-time-for-a-stepmother-...

I realize that its harder because the bio-mother has no interest in parenting, and is not at all involved. Our bio mother is very toxic and high conflict and we basically think of her as a "baby sitter/child sitter". She doesnt really do much with/for SD13. SD20 is living with her, if you call it that - doesnt work, doesnt do anything, no college classes and doesnt even drive, because shes too lame to get her drivers license. So, your DH needs to step up and parent those girls.

Also - boundaries are VERY important and must be established and then enforced. Love is not allowing kids to do what they want to.