Wedding gift?

So, thank you all who comented on my first blog. As suspected, OSD is punishing DH for including his seond family in the wedding. After the silent treatment for weeks, she has finally got in touch to say she doesn't want DH to give her away, doesn't want him on the top table (thank god!) and doesn't want him to give a father-of the-bride speech.

DH, as usual, cannot communicate his feelings about this. He 'doesn't know why she's done this' etc. Translate as 'She's behaving like a shit but I can't admit it'.

So, what the hell do we get as a wedding gift? Obviously under normal circumstahces, father-of-the-bride would be giving a sizeable gift. Under these circumstances, I dont think so. Suggestions please....

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Just leave it up to your

Just leave it up to your husband. As long as it is affordable and not more than he would have spent if he were being father of the bride officially, in an effort to buy her love, then I would just let him do his thing. There is no need to let yourself be cast as the vindictive step mother.

Yeah no thanks

Being a disrespectful bitch to your dad because you wanna chuck a hissy fit and not acknowledge his family doesn’t give you an expectation for a sizeable wedding gift.

heck me and hubby did a simple wedding, in hubbys culture they overdo weddings with multiple ceremonies and over the top wedding gifts for show and hubbys exwife wanted it all and $40,000 in wedding gifts including money from hubby to buy wedding gifts from hubby.

if eldest sd demands the same, multiply that by 3 skids and hubby having to do the same for our 2 kids and maybe anymore we have and the dollars add up to buying a house. That money is better spent in us buying a house...

if skids wanna treat parents like aholes they can get nothing or if hubby is in a position to do so, give a few hundred maybe... but no doubt sd will be a bitch and claim to everyone daddy abandoned me and i refused to let him give me away when he only gave a few hundred to cover costs of my wedding even though this all happened after she made that decision...

How about some heavy-duty

How about some heavy-duty forceps so she can extract the ginormous poker from her arse?

Oh, okay. Gift card to a restaurant with a side order of botulism.

Lol

For a gift?

For a gift? How about his absence? Does he have any concept of how humiliating it is going to be for him to have someone else doing all of the "father of the bride" duties while he is literally standing in the room like a total stranger? Because she sure as hell does. That is exactly the point. I would be denying her that pleasure. Obviously you can not prevent him from going if he is determined to subject himself to her ridicule but I would clearly tell him that I will not be there to witness it. And neither will his other younger children be there to see their father be made a fool of. At 16 and 14, they may not get all of the ettiquette but they will certainly know that something is wrong when people are constantly asking him "aren't you her father?" and giving him odd looks.

Susan, I have pointed all

Susan, I have pointed all this out. Several times! I totally agree that it will be humiliating for him but he honestly cannot see that she's being nasty. This is No. 1 princess and he's been the same all her life; no matter what she does, it's apparently never meant in a mean way. It is SO frustrating. Bizarrely he still believes that we can be one big happy family.

Then I would let

Then I would let him live with it. Alone. I would not want to risk my children losing respect for their father by seeing him made fun of by an older sibling and other relatives. Teenagers are bizarre creatures at the best of times and that kind of thing makes an impression.

He cannot see that she's

He cannot see that she's being nasty? She is having somebody else walk her down the aisle.

What does he think that she means by that? That's not exactly the actions of a daughter who loves and respects her father.

Geez, the denial runs deep with this one.

Yup....

This. I can't believe he even

This. I can't believe he even wants to attend.

Gift...how about nothing?! I

Gift...how about nothing?! I would say to her "If you're going to act like I/we don't exist, then my/our money doesn't exist either. Can't have it both ways."

He is invited to the wedding,

How is that treating him like he does not exist

Silent treatment, not at head

Silent treatment, not at head table, not walking down the aisle, mad because he had the audacity to remarry. Basically doesn't want him to be her dad simply because he's remarried. Ignores him for weeks, like he doesn't exist... just because OP does.

That is not treating him like primary parent, not that he does

not exist.

Or like ANY kind of parent.

Or like ANY kind of parent. Kind of insulting, don't you think? You'd be okay with your kids sitting you in the back and treating you like one of the guests?

He is being punished for

He is being punished for moving on with his life after divorce. Being demoted to a guest. How would you like, as a father/parent, to watch some other man walk your own daughter down the aisle? Not because he did anything abusive or dangerous or neglectful. Simply because he remarried and wants to take his own wife to the wedding.

We rally around stepmothers all the time here who are being used, abused, mistreated and dismissed by the BM, the skids or even their own DH. But it's okay when the daughter does it to their own father...because he remarried? Since when?

Because he's a man and

Because he's a man and presumably didn't have the child in his home as much as the mother did. STaround feels as though only the primary parent (usually the woman) should be afforded parent status at a wedding, and it's fine to marginalize a father who had less custody time, as if relationships are completely transactional in that manner. And as if most fathers wouldn't have liked more time, but were pushed out by the courts or the mother.

If this SD sat her mother in the back and treated her like Aunt Lucy from Nebraska that she never sees, STaround would be up in arms about it.

Ahhhh yes, only fathers can

Ahhhh yes, only fathers can be treated like unwanted gum on the bottom of society's shoes. The one with the uterus must be held up on the golden pedestal at all times and at all costs.

Right - because she was the

Right - because she was the "primary parent" after a divorce, so she has the right to dictate what role the other parent plays and if she doesn't want him at the head table, then off he goes!

Oh I never thought of that. I

Oh I never thought of that. I wonder how involved BM was with this decision?

Well, if SD hasn't got past

Well, if SD hasn't gotten past DH remarrying and your oldest is SIXTEEN, I'd guess that someone has been fanning the flames of anger for all these years.

And we've been together 20

And we've been together 20 years and they were divorced for 2 years before that, so I'm not exactly a recent development!

Yep and/or she was the SC

Yep and/or she was the SC whose father dared to remarry.

This is why seperate financials

can be a good idea. i would let DH deal with it and not get involved

Frankly, I wouldn't go at all

Frankly, I wouldn't go at all. I don't attend weddings of people who openly disrespect me or people I care about.

If DH wants to put up with his daughter's crap treatment of him, he can go, but I would be nowhere around. (I never would have planned to go in the first place, though).

Your DH needs to rethink his kowtowing to his daughter.

Tog believe me it's the last

Tog believe me it's the last place I want to be! It's a horribly awkward situation and damned if you do, damned if you don't. If we don't go, we'll get vilified for not attending...'Her father & his family couldn't even be bothered to attend her wedding' etc. If I keep DD and DS away, I risk that coming back to bite me on the backside later down the line. If I let them go but I stay away, I give OSD the satisfaction of getting what she wants, which is daddy all to herself and I also believe that BM is likely to target them (particularly as alcohol kicks in), which DH won't notice either.

So all choices are pretty crap. I can't even begin to explain how stressed and anxious I feel as this shitshow looms nearer.

I would not give two cares

I would not give two cares what they say - obviously, no matter what you do, it will be wrong - so do what's best for YOU. These people are toxic and you won't be able to please them. You don't have to put up with their abuse.

OR you could all go as a

OR you could all go as a united family. Have the BEST time. Make sure you look your FINEST. Laugh, talk, mingle, dance like no one's watching. Do not give one single iota of attention to the b.s. games being played and have FUN. Why? Because you can bet anything those little witches will be watching and HATING every time you laught, dance, talk with anyone or generally just enjoy yourself.

Yes we want all our names on

Yes we want all our names on the card...just like every other family who will be attending

But yet here you are

and it seems to me you are looking for support to discourage him from giving much of anything, and it will come from his own money. .

No, I am asking what people

No, I am asking what people think is reasonable and appropriate in this situation because I honestly don't know. Of course it will come from his own money...where else would it come from?

I have always said what I think he should pay

And I have always said that seperate finances can make sense for some people. I really think your question is worded in a way that you want people to say give nothing. Not that you don't know. But harder to tell online v IRL. But you know what is in your heart. Sign the card if you want, but i doubt that make the kid think you were behind the gift.

You don't go to a wedding and

You don't go to a wedding and give nothing. That is just plain rude. I imagine most people who go to a wedding add the names of all their family members who are attending, yet in all likelihood only one person in that group will have been responsible for the gift.

And yet here you are,

And yet here you are, suggesting he just accept poor treatment from his daughter and agree to sit in the back with the relatives that no one knows. So what if she wants to discourage him? I'd discourage him from allowing himself to be abused too.

That is fine, but I think she own it

Maybe she is ambivalent, but if she really is against a gift, not certain why she wants to sign the card

She's already said it

She's already said it (several times) - she'd like for her family to be represented as a group like any other family would be at a wedding.

First of all I WOULD NOT GO

I would not be part of SD game, the game she playing. To be openly disrespected. I would send a gift card any amount would be more then she deserves.

Every blended family is

Every blended family is different in its own way. When SD got married, DH paid for the wedding. That was his gift to her. Since he was paying for the reception, SD and her husband found they couldn't completely exclude me from the wedding. When SD and DH wrote the addresses for the wedding invitations he just wrote one his family and for my bios.

SD did request that I not go to the picture taking. They only wanted people in the wedding there. No problem. I figured they would never put any picture with me in it in the album. I was right. DH, even though he paid for the pictures, never got a copy of any picture the photographer took that day.

Head table was only the wedding party. Parents (DH and groom's mom, others deceased) each had their own table. DH walked her down the aisle. The only speech was from the best man. I don't think I have ever been to a wedding her that the father of the bride spoke at.

Was the day awkward? You bet. I pasted a smile on my face and bit my tongue. My payoff was at the end of the day. BM's aunt came over and told me that she was glad to see DH looking happy again (BM had initiated the divorce and then died) and BM's sister thanked me for all I did (actually close to nothing).

Would I want to repeat the experience? Absolutely not.

I get why your DH wants to go to the wedding. Parents have a primal bond with bio children that is almost unbreakable. I'd probably go with him to support him. But, after the ceremony we'd disappear until the rest of DH's family arrived. I wouldn't spend hours with just BM and her family.

So even though BM was dead SD

So even though BM was dead SD & husband still didn't want you there? Wow! What an entitled little madam to think it was ok for her father to pay for her marriage whilst she clearly disrespected his. To show how much she appreciated her father's massive contribution, she could have ensured that you were included and treated as his wife.

Re the father of the bride of speech, this is something which happens at all UK weddings.

This has all been thoroughly

This has all been thoroughly hashed out with some great feedback from sensible, experienced stepparents...and from a few others as well.

OP, I just want to offer this suggestion: if you do decide to purchase a gift, make it the blandest thing ever. Perhaps a serving piece so specific or so formal that the bride will never use it, or kitchenware so gourmet that she won't even know what it is. Fish forks, or a pasta maker, that sort of thing. Williams Sonoma it up.

In steplife, following form and paying lip service can be an art form. Enjoy!

I'd gift her the book,

I'd gift her the book, Stepmonster.

If your husband really does

If your husband really does not know what to gift her then I would suggest to him 3 levels of gifts and tell him what you would gift your own daughter, a favorite niece or a good friend and a distant cousin. That way he can choose which level he is comfortable with. Another idea could be a family heirloom which could be a good gift that has meaning but no real monetary value.

I wouldn’t worry so much what other gusts are going to think of your husband, I think everyone will see that your step daughter is the rude one in this situation, especially when they see what a lovely family you all are.

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