Visiting ILs : what do you think?
Christmas is coming and so do some weird questions. I finally said to DH that I want to raise the issue. I do not like the fact that the BM is so much present in DH's family.
I unfollowed SIL and BIL because they share and like BM's post on Facebook. I left a party because the BM was invited. She has her staff at IL's, her name on their postbox etc etc.
I do not think this is appropriate and I am about to raise the question. I am planning to ask them if they consider it normal. I am planning to say that this bs hurts me (in a polite way) and I am planning to tell them I am not coming to visit them anymore. It is their house and their decision whom to invite. But I am just not feeling it right to have so much interactions with the BM.
DH is on my side, we spoke. Now I do not want to bring him wore trouble and I do not know if I am reasonable. Any thoughts ? Thanks !
If you're going to tell them
If you're going to tell them how you feel make sure you state your boundaries CLEARLY and that they understand what you do and do not tolerate. Once you let them know where you draw the line and how you will act accordingly, if they are crossed. They can't ever say you never informed them.
Congrats on creating healthy boundaries for yourself and sticking to it. I wouldn't tolerate that nonsense either, more power to you.
It's reasonable that you don
It's reasonable that you don't want to be around BM, but I don't know that I would bring it up to them (but your husband should). I would simply stop visiting them. If they were to ask why, then I would say something but unless they are deft, they have to know that it is not appropriate and that it's uncomfortable for you.
So, I'm guessing they flat out don't care and would not take kindly to you telling them what to do. 'Cuz that's how they will see it.
Actions speak louder than words. When DH's sister started her crap (yes, it involved BM) I was just simply done with her. No discussion, no giving her a chance to give lame excuses, or a reason to run to BM and gossip, I just stopped having anything to do with her. And, I was friends with her for 10 years before I met DH. So, believe me, I get the hurt.
But you have to do what you feel you have to do.
I agree
Totally agree, the only issue is that our DD is also their grandkid. If I was by myself, I would simply stop seeing them.
Now there is my baby and I do not know how to act accordingly, even if I see the ILs do not really care about her the same as they do about other grandkids (which is also understandable, as we live far away).
Why can't DH address this
Why can't DH address this with his family? It's his job to do it.
It's All About Control
It is your H's responsibility to handle his people, not yours. And your daughter is his daughter, too.
Arent you the poster who wants nothing to do with her H's son from a prior relationship? And aren't his parents raising his son for him and BM?
Look, I get it. The situation is jacked up and dysfunctional. But it existed before you came along and all parties seem happy with it. The point at which you should have said "This doesn't work for me" was before you married the guy and had a child with him. You can't control these people and make them behave as you think they ought. You have neither the leverage nor the right, and it would be completely inappropriate for you to start dictating to these people. The grandparents are deeply bonded with their grandson and you already know this is their normal.
If you'd like your H to ask his parents to demonstrate respect for your marriage by not inviting BM to Christmas, that's a reasonable request. Changing their lives to suit you isn't. Take a different tact before you completely alienate your inlaws and deprive your daughter of loving extended family.
I totally agree
I am with you on this one. And I do not want to ask them to change their life and behavior. I do not want to be part of this mess. DH can still visit and bring DD etc, but I do not want to participate as BM is so much in the picture.
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you feel on this but again, it's for your DH to have out with his family. Else you are going to end up slated and identified as the villain.
But if the IL are raising your DH and BMs child then it's perfectly normal and reasonable that they would try to maintain some level fo contact with BM for that child. So full removal may not happen.
This I also understand
And you are right. I do not expect or ask them to cut contact with the BM. And I do not even ask them to change their interactions at all. I just do not feel comfortable in a house full of BM and even if I understand the reason, I cannot help my feelings, so I prefer withdraw
withdraw "how"? I mean.. if
withdraw "how"? I mean.. if his son lives there.. his parents are likely to have BM there so there can be a relationship with the boy. Same for your DH.. Now.. "you" may not want to hang with BM.. don't blame you.. but I don't see much of any announcement from you as being viewed positively. They already likely know abouit your desire to semi-erase the son from dad's life.. can't live with dad.. so I am not sure you have much currency to spend with them.
I actually don't see how they can easilly logistically do what you want. It's your decision to go there. or not.. and if you go.. you can limit your time there.. this is about their home.. and the child they care for in their home.. and they are making the best of a crappy situation that other adults created.
I would limit my attendence to major holidays and brief visits even then.. then go live your life.
This is exactly
Exactly what I am saying. I myself do not want to participate in their parties nor visit them anymore.
My idea is just politely explain why, not judging anyone, saying I understand their reasons but I do not want to be in the picture because I do not feel comfortable in this situation. That's it.
I have been in your shoes,
I have been in your shoes, sort of. The only difference for me was that DH and I never crossed paths with BM at inlaws house.....they actually invited BM and skids and NOT DH and I...period. That went on for almost 2 years....even after DH and I were married....it has finally stopped. But I pretty much (b/c of that) have nothing to do with inlaws unless it's a Holiday and I absolutely have to suck it up.....b/c well I hold grudges like that. And it wasn't even about ME....I was mad that inlaws CHOSE BM over their own son...over and over again.
I do my best to stay completely away from inlaws and that inlcudes mine and DH's now shared toddler.....I don't have time for them and will never.
The oddest thing about it all is that inlaws were constantly inviting BM and skids over for those 2 years post divorce......but once they finally stopped having anything to do with BM....they even stopped inviting skids.....so now nobody gets invited to anything......works for me. haha.
If I were you.....just cut them out of your life period. No need to explain why......they can figure it out on their own.
I never once thought to address it with inlaws, but I did tell DH how shitty I thought it all was. I simply told DH that my children and I would not be attending any events with his family.....ever. So