Why are you so jealous?? Your BF's relationship with BM is over. They're divorced. 

Do they have good boundaries?
Do they discuss their children or do they talk about unrelated things?
Is it one of those things where you cannot share "firsts" with him?

A little clarification would help.

Well - more info would be helpful.  But is it possible that your gut is telling you she's TOO present in your lives? Really, they shouldn't spend too much time talking about SD6 and even less time being together. She only has ONE birthday, but you said you dread "birthdays", so does that mean BM is still invited to DH's family events?  Is she popping by to pick stuff up often, this doesn't need to happen too much either.

I guess I'm wondering if there needs to be better boundaries between BM and DH, or if this is your issue (or a combination of both).

I'm of two minds on this. Maybe three. Could get up to four.

Regarding you being in "the know" - it's ultimately your BF's call on how involved he wants you to be on the minimum end of the spectrum. If it doesn't directly impact you, then it's fair that you don't know. You're not married, and they aren't even divorced yet (which I'm going to come back to). BM showing up for 30 seconds to pick up or drop off something isn't a problem if she really is as amicable as you say she is. Until it directly impacts you, it's not your call how much or little your BF wants to include you.

The above is yours to work through, as well as your feelings of not being "the first". And it's quite possible that you won't work through that, and that's okay. It just means this isn't the relationship for you.

Despite all of this, I can see how your BF isn't helping the situation. If they are amicable, why are they not officially divorced yet? They would be outside whatever wait limit there typically is. They seem to have the best interests of their kid in mind. He has moved out and on, supposedly. So what is preventing them from signing on a dotted line that officially ends their marriage?

THAT is the problem in this relationship. He wasn't ready to date you, or anyone, while he was still living with his XW. He's not ready to date anyone beyond casual now. But, either he is making promises to you that you're the next wife, or you're reading deeper into this relationship than it really is.

If it's the former, that's on him. I won't say that he should have known he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but he needed to fully exit one before entering another IF he wasn't willing to be honest with you about what he was thinking/feeling in regards to his ex. Had he been honest and told you that he still had feelings, or was confused, or couldn't make a commitment, it would have given you the information you needed to make a decision about him early on.

If I had to take a guess, if he is commenting that you two will get married and have this family, I'd say he was looking for a replacement. He still loves the XW, but for whatever reason that relationship doesn't work. But, he's lonely. He likes being a husband. He likes having a wife. And you're fine enough because he still has the XW as his "back-up" and emotional support and he can guise it as "the mother of his children". This isn't a reflection on you; this would happen to any decent woman he dates.

If, however, the truth of this relationship is that you're putting more seriousness into this relationship than he is, you're setting yourself up to be hurt. The automatic next step after dating 2-5 years isn't marriage. Socially, we have conditioned ourselves to believe that, and that's partly why people end up in bad marriages. Love and time aren't enough to make a marriage work, and shouldn't be used as a gauge of whether a relationship is serious or not.

So, ask yourself if your BF has been putting the brakes on when you think he shouldn't, and ask yourself if YOU have been the one pushing for something more. If you are, you need to stop. You're only setting yourself up for pain if you're trying to mold a casual, albeit lengthy, relationship into a serious one.

I'll end by saying that I'll be the odd one out in that I DO think exes can be friends after divorce and can amicably co-parent. I don't think there are issues with having joint birthdays and holidays and trips SO LONG AS everyone mutually respects one another and acknowledges that new partners are the priority. 

This type of situation, though, is rare. Even rarer to find a new partner who is comfortable with it and willing to participate. If your BF and his ex think this is the kind of relationship they want to have, and can have without feelings for one another, then you can't tell him you don't want him to have that kind of relationship. You can, however, determine that it isn't right for you and move along. It's no different than if you were in a relationship with someone who had a differing opinion on having kids, or where they want to live, or how they manage money. It's about compatibility, and if you don't agree on how involved an ex should be, then you just aren't compatible.

I know this isn't the rosy advice you were hoping for, but it would be a disservice to tell you that there is an easy fix, or that it will get better all on its own. One of both of you is going to have to change to make this relationship work, and unfortunately, I can't tell you where exactly the problem is or how you two can work to a compromise. There are just too many variables currently.

We all have our boundaries and things we need in a relationship.

I, for one, need to be the priority. I need to feel absolutely secure that my partners focus is on me and our home life rather than an ex and his past.

This was something I realised very early on when dating my now husband. He and his ex were never married so that was never an issue but they had already been separated and living apart for 2 years before I met him. 

We had many hypothetical conversations in the early days, to help give us both an idea of where our values were. Ofcourse in reality you may end up acting differently but it certainly helped. 

He was still living in the house he had shared with his ex. So from the minute he was involved with me there was a clear end. All hand covers, forgotten item exchanges or whatever happened at a public place not at the house. The house was now to be our home, my home, and the ex had no place there. 

I was also crystal clear on the fact that I would only be continuing the relationship if we saw eye to eye on children. He had one already so I wanted to know if he would be willing to do anything and everything he could to enable me to have one when the time and urge came. Even if it meant fertility treatment, adoption, fostering or ending up with a puppy because the previous things didnt work. This may sound weird but I was certain I could not and would not deal with a step child unless there was an intent to have our own in the future. 

It sounds to me like your struggling on two parts. Your BF seems too attached to his ex and the lack of boundaries are making you insecure. What are you? His GF? His fling? His rebound? Are you someone he is serious about or just a pretty distraction? 

Secondly someone else commented that hes not interested in marriage or more children. If true then this is something you need to weigh up. It's natural that people aren't planning their next wedding before their divorce is finalised but if you are looking for that level of commitment and hes not prepared to give it then why bother? If you know you want a child and hes telling you he doesn't then it's dead before its started. 

My now husband and I waited 6 years before having our baby, we wanted to make sure we were stable and ready but she was talked about pretty early on. If he had said sorry but I have one child I do not want anymore then I would have needed to end the relationship. 

Maybe take some time to figure out what are your deal breakers because it sounds like your gut is trying to tell you that this is not the relationship for you. 

I, too, struggled with this heavily right around the 1.5 - 2 year mark in my current relationship before we got married. The honeymoon phase was over and REAL life kicked in where my feelings of jealousy and insecurity crept in. I think one thing that made a big difference for me was to recognize that those feelings are OK, I mean-- this goes against our grain as humans to raise and care for something that isn't ours, and allowing an additional intrusion of an ex for an indefinite amount of time. If anyone walked into that situation and never struggled with it, then they're saints in my book. Because I think many people feel very strongly about their partners ex-- for some is it anger, or hatred, or jealousy or curiosity or whatever. But to have absolutely ZERO feeling likely comes from years of practice addressing  their feelings head on and have gotten to that point after a lot of time and work.

You're still in the "practice" phase of this relationship. The adults are all practicing how to coexist because it sounds like your BF had a pretty sweet gig up until recently. He was separated yet living with his ex, and even still had an active girlfriend in the picture?! I'm not judging that, many people date while separated... divorces get stalled in court... sh*t happens and it doesn't make someone scum. But what I AM saying is that he didn't even have time to cut the strings from the ex and then re-tie them to you so all of this life you're doing right now is new practice territory for everyone.

So with that in mind, now is the *perfect* time to start inserting your opinion if you want to stick around for the long haul and if this is a relationship you want to see through til the end. You do have an advantage because it's not like you stumbled into some set in stone arrangement where YOU and you alone need to adjust, no. He can also do some adjusting, especially if you're feeling some type of way about how things are handled and managed. You do not have to martyr yourself and sit quietly in a corner while these two make all the rules here. Do you two live together? If so, asking him to let you know if you'll have ANY visitors is just common courtesy, whether its an ex or not. Even if its for 30 seconds or less. Just because someone is co-parenting doesn't mean their home is a free for all for an ex, amicable or not. I see no reason to have rule overload for simple drop offs and pick ups, but a " hey XW is stopping by in 30m to bring Susie her backpack" is all it takes... so simple yet effective in respecting your role in the home and will carry over to a happier step parenting life if that's what you want. Some SM's want nothing to do at all with any mention of ex, any responsibility towards the stepkids and are completely disengaged and that is fine-- that is what works for them. That's not my situation so I'm giving you my perspective on a stepmom that wants to be involved from the perspective of DH and I also have young children and so we want to be in the know what the older sibling is doing.

I don't think you need to police their presumably mundane conversations because that's just overkill, but if you think the conversations are too often or too off topic then by all means, say something. When my SK was 6, DH and his ex talked maybe 1-2x a week via text about pick ups/drop offs or various school activities. We also have a pretty amicable and pleasant BM to deal with, and a young child so there's a lot of similarities between our situations. But a quick heads up on a schedule change, or a school event, or a coordination on a birthday gift is easy and your BF can certainly start bringing you into the fold IF you two are headed towards marriage and this is the type of communication you want from him. 

If a man can run multiple fantasy football leagues, or know the stats of every college athletic division then they can coordinate screenshotting a message conversation and fwding it to you to keep you in the loop. This is where I have had to put my foot down with DH and him "forgetting" to bring me into the fold... you call them out on their BS. You either include me, or I'm not available and this picture perfect happy family you're trying to curate ain't happening because you dropped the ball and now I've double booked myself. Whoops. Sorry not sorry.

I think bottom line is: your feelings are normal, you're in just the right spot at 2 years in to determine if this is the life you want, and if it is--- you're perfectly capable and it would be appropriate to establish some boundaries and some common courtesy points with this guy if you two do want to get married.

As for BM, the best advice I ever received from this site was to not give her the headspace and not let her noise fill my head. I as thinking about her WAY MORE than she was thinking about me, and that wasn't fair to me. Once I stopped overanalyzing every interaction, every past accomplishment the two of them had together and just recognized my feelings for what they were, put some boundaries in place I was happy with and moved on, life has been much better.

I tend to find insecurity often is stronger in the stepmoms who have likeable BMs. I see their thought process as "well I actually like her so does that put me against SO" and "she is so friendly and agreeable/likeabe....so why did they separate...they coparent so well so what if this separation is temporary..." You wil have to sort through all of that personally. 

I hated BM to the point where her just breathing in my direction would make me rage. It's irrational especially if you will be dealing with her for longer than 10 years because your steps are younger. It isnt healthy and will start to effect your relationships with everyone around you. I read articles that read the human brain's thought process is like a rat running a maze in that a rat will run a maze, fine "his" path and stick with it without changing or trying other ways even if other ways are faster or easier. You thinking of BM will make your brain short circuit into habitually thinking of BM. You will dwell on the things she is doing, not doing and should be doing and obsess about it. The only way to stop this pattern of thinking is to immediately think of something happy when you catch yourself. I've suggested this before many years ago to another poster. At the time my change of thought was the beach and going through all the little details I love about being there. It will take practice. Give yourself five minutes to dwell on whatever it is and get it out then change brain topics until you can do it faster and faster. 

I know exactly how you feel, I get jealous and dislike her but I have a good reason to as she is a nightmare. If I seen her in person then I'd be civil with her but any mention of her name or just anything sends me in a bad mood also. I'm working on accepting these feelings and letting them go as I keep going round in a constant circle beating myself up about it and there's no point.
I also got jealous of them having two kids and we just having one (I know completely stupid) but I think that's due to losing a baby recently and again, I'm working on it. 
All this SM stuff is tough, you battle with so many emotions about things so all I can say is don't be hard on yourself x 

So you want a husband and children.  You got involved with a married, was still living in the same home as his wife.  Married man moves out of the marital home and the two of you live together.

Through all of this BM remains polite, respectful and doesn't cause problems for you or her husband. 

You open and tell married man that you want a husband and children.    He makes it crystal clear he isn't interested in doing either of those things again.

As a result of all of this, you HATE BM.  How does that make sense?  What you are feeling isn't normal.  It isn't normal to HATE people who have not done anything to you.

If your feelings are normal, then all the BMs and SDs out there who hate SMs that haven't done anything to them are also normal.  We all know that is not true. 

Your BF is the problem in all of this, not the BM.

If being first is so important for you, why did you select a partner where you are far from first? And... a partner that is still married?

There are any number of related follow up questions along these lines.  Was he your first?  Your first love, first lover, first relationship, etc, etc, etc....?  If not, how can you rationally take issue with not being his first and how can you take issue with his history including the existance of the not yet XW you indicate is perfectly reasonable and pleasant?

I get that him being your first... everything... is highly unlikely.  My point is.... extricate your head from the emotion of the situation and assess it with intellect rather than irrational emotion.

It sounds to me that all in all your blended family situation is about as good as it gets .... except for how you engage in it.

The insanity that so many in blended family marriages deal with when they make life partner decisions with the tingly feeling between their legs rather than their brains results in so much tragedy for all involved.

Use your head... please.