I mean this in the most gentle way possible...but it doesn't sound at all like your husband is the best thing to ever happen to you. You sound miserable. Y'all aren't even having sex. Ugh. 

Why are you living pay check to pay check now as compared to when you were single? You should not be paying for his kids or having to cover him being short on shared expenses.

I think you really need to consider if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. 

I totally get it. I make more money than my husband and in the beginning of our marriage, I was putting in way more than half of the expenses. It's hard to open up to your husband about that and not feel guilty. I've been very careful when we talk expenses but what I just recently told him is we needed to evaluate our finances because we were spending more than saving. I took the opportunity to readjust my contribution and he's seeing that now. It's tough but approaching it that way can be a good first step.

HIS kids are NOT your responsibility. Anything YOU do for his kids - buy things, play chauffeur, skid sit - is an option.

Please tell me you are not paying his child support. If he can't, he needs to get a better job or a second job.

I never wanted to date anyone with kids because I don't like kids.

I swear I've read this exact statement twice in as many weeks. The bottom line is that you're terribly unhappy. Life is too short to be this unhappy when you can change your situation. So change it.

Coltsfan, I think there's a lot of people on here who don't like being a step parent (me included)! A lot of people have got through and survived though so you'll get some good advice. 

OH's unwillingness to actually parent and do the hard stuff as well as the fun stuff is referred to as a DIsney Dad. Take some time to read some posts and blogs and you'll find a lot of us are living with one.

How often do you have the skids? I'm assuming they don't live with you full time if your DH pays child support.Also how old are they? Toddlers and teenagers present very different problems.

I completely get why you feel you have no authority to discipline. Many people agree with this and feel that it's up to the biological parent (who without a doubt should be doing his part). And if that's what works for you, that's fine. It wasn't a situation I was prepared to tolerate though. You cannot have responsibility for children without authority. You also cannot have children in your home without clear cut rules, routines and expectations - and consequences of bad behaviour. If you do, it will be very miserable.The hard thing is getting DH on the same page - but I insisted that if he wanted the skids in the house, we agreed all these things and either of us could enforce them. Fortunately he saw the sense in this and tried hard to overcome Disney Dad behaviour. 

It's no different to a friend visiting with a badly behaved child. If they start jumping on your furniture for example, you tell them politely that we don't do that here.You don't just let them get on with it and wreck your house!  You might not be the parent but you have every right to insist on what you consider to be acceptable behaviour in your home.

The position of step parent is an awkward one. Many BMs tell their kids that 'She's not you rmom. You don't have to do what she says.' No, you're not their mom but actually yes, if they want to visit your home, they DO have to have to what you say. It would be no different to visiting an aunt and uncle's house. If a child misbehaved there, it would be reasonable to assume that both aunt and uncle have the right to call them out on their behaviour. But only one of them will be biologically related to the child. That's pretty much the same scenario with any family relationships.

Some people are happy to have no input at all and if that works for them, that's absolutely fine. We all get through Step Hell as best we can in whatever way works for us. For me though, I felt that although I'm not mom, I am a relation by marriage - just the same as the aunt/uncle scenario and if I were in a situation where the skids were behaving badly, I wanted to be in a position where I could enforce our rules. Overall, you respect someone who has authority much more than someone who you think 'She can't tell me what to do'. Obviously a lot of the time, that's what they're hearing from BM. But when you decide that's not the game you're playing and consequences are skids don't come over at all, they do start listening. 

You might find it helpful to decide whether you want to disengage completely and have nothing to do with them or whether you want to maintain some control in your own house. No right or wrong answer here - whatever works best for you.

OP, if you are not familiar with them, please look up the following:

Gaslighting

Love bombing

OP, I know you are resisting hearing this, but there is nothing "amazing" about how your husband is behaving.  An "amazing" husband would:

• Not want his wife to feel like drugging herself with benzos every time his kids are around
• Make time for intimacy with his wife because he values it and because he knows she wants it
• Parent his kids, which is best for THEM, so they can grow up to be normal adults, and not put his own need for them to like him more than they like their mother above his role as a father
• Not expect his wife to pay ONE cent of his Child Support and would ensure that it comes out of his check before he contributes to joint funds

I don't know your story, so I'm not sure why a situation that is causing you tremendous stress and anxiety would feel like "the best thing that's ever happened to you" - but maybe a good therapist could help you figure that out.

I've never wanted kids, either, nor did I ever particularly want to be a step mother, but I would not be with my DH if my financial situation worsened by being with him. If yours has, that means that YOU are picking up HIS slack. He needs to get control of his finances (stop paying for extras, for one, stop paying for daycare that's not being used, for two) and you need to separate your money.

There are on-line child support calculators to figure out estimated child support, find one and get an idea of what CS would be. Paying daycare for a child who is not in daycare is ridiculous.

Traveling, so that you don't have to be around his kids because he does not discipline them, is not a situation that I would want to be in. He needs to be their father, not their friend, not the cool parent. It's not fair to you to have to put up with that.

No sex just because they are there? Do they sleep in bed with you? Adults have sex when kids are in the home.

This man did not respect you from the get go. If he had, he would have left you alone when you told him that you didn't want to date anyone with kids. Shame on him. You may feel it was romantic, that he pursued you so, but believe me, he knew what he was doing.

You should have NEVER married this man. From day one you knew this and have always maintained not wanting to marry a man with kids but you went against your instincts and did it anyway. You were probably hoping things would "change" and imrove but they haven't. Your H is the one benefiting from this marriage financially and you are here losing your mind. Your well being should be priority and the fact that you want to medicate so not to deal is alarming (red flag).

I can't understand how he's the best thing to happen to you and he's so wonderful and you're this unhappy. It doesn't make sense. You are trying to force something that just isn't and you won't give it up because of whatever fantasy marriage you have in mind.

If he's so wonderful have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel, how unhappy you are, and that you want to separate finances to save money. You are tired of living paycheck to paycheck and you shouldn't have to. These are his children and you are in debt over something that you had no part of.

Soul search and really dig deep......this will continue being your life unless YOU make the changes necessary to be happy. Those kids aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so chin up, dust your shoulders off and handle yours.

Oh girl, I feel you. I don't like this gig either. There are several things you can do to make your situation better, but it's going to require you speaking up and yes, that may cause a fight because these are uncomfortable conversations. But go back up and read what you wrote- they NEED to happen. At risk of beating a dead horse, you need separate finances. I've been with my SO 4yrs, luckily we never combined them. I am not paying for his kids unless it's something I choose to buy them. 
I have the same exact issue with my SO's lack of follow-through on consequences, except I'm lucky that his kids aren't really jerks (they are 10 and 13 though!). Still, it will be "no video games!"...but most times, 2hrs later, they get video games back. I do speak up and it does cause fights, although it isn't worth it so now I bite my tongue. Not my problem. Just watching it all is a hard pill to swallow. If they are jerks in front of me though, I would not let that go on without speaking up. I'm not a doormat.
You seem nice, but I think you need to find your voice. You are not happy with how things are- what are some changes that you have control over (yes it may require you to speak up) that can be made that would help? How can alone time be carved out for you and him? Because not having it is simply not an option. Send the kids to a sleepover, Or they are old enough that you can leave them and go on a date- DO IT. 
Also, why can't you have sex when you have the kids? People do it. Just be quiet. 

It looks to me like a major issue here is you are being too passive and "non-confrontational." Anyone who refuses to confront issues actually creates confrontation. There is no way for you to be happy in this situation if you never voice your needs. Evading is only leading to resentment.

Your reality is that you live with two adolescents/teenagers. Avoiding asserting yourself to them is what's causing them to disrespect you. Like what another reply mentioned, you don't need to be their mother to assert yourself and tell them what isn't okay. It's also perfectly okay for you to discipilne them. It sounds like you have a good read on what is missing with your DH's approach, so telling him your thoughts would probably help the kids and your relationship. 

What you need to do is have a sit-down, up-front, honest, (key word here - honest), conversation about how you're feeling and what you need. It's possible to be sensitive to someone's feelings while communicating your own feelings. Just lead with "I love you and our marraige, I'm here to lean in and find solutions." You also gotta say "since you would like me to parent, and since I should be parenting because I am an authority who financially supports them, my opinion on consequences must be factored in. Here is what I think consequences should look like...." and tell him. You also don't need to be 100% on the exact same page as BM's parenting. Those two are no longer married, no longer share a household. YOU are the one sharing a household with DH, so it's up to the two of you on how you want it to run. You are also entitled to quality time with your DH! IMHO, if he's not making time for you in his schedule, he isn't treating you right. He should be intentionally carving out time in the calendar for periods of time together with no work AND no kids. He can work with one or the other to make time.

If you think about it... you've never given DH a chance to help you be happier if you've been keeping all of this to yourself. Stand up for yourself and remind yourself you deserve to be heard.

On a side note, I think the sex issue could be a result of your BC and anti-depressants. Both on their own are known to have that side effect. Based on my non-medical, experienced-based knowledge, if you do a copper IUD and switch medications to a stimulant base such as Wellbutrin, that would totally remove those from being a factor. I take Wellbutrin myself and don't do hormonal BC and although my reltionship is stressful, the libido is never a problem!