Daughter manipulating Mother NEED HELP
My wife died over a year ago and I have since remarried. I am 68 now and my new wife is 61. She has 2 kids, son who is 42 and daughter is 40. The son is great, the daughter is a big manipulater of her mother and always has been. My wife was married before and she and her husband had numerous arguments about the daughter. The daughter has a good job and her 2nd husband also has a good job and income. My wife sold her house and moved in with me and her daughter thought she was entitled to some of the money from the sale of her mothers house. My wife gave her some money which I was not thrilled about. Her daughter is very arrogant and thinks she is above everybody else. She always takes advantage of her mother, if her mother says no to her she treats her mother like shit, she is very selfish and its all about her. i can get into a lot more detail but it would become a novel. My wife and I have so much in common and things for both of us could not be better. So lately we have had a lot of discussion about her daughter and now I am not sure what to do. I do not like her daughter because of the way she treats her mother. The daughter does not like me either because I am caring and looking after her mother and she cannot manipulate her any more? My wife has a heart of gold and she is weak when it comes to her daughter she always caves to her. My wife said she will not have her daughter come between us and ruin our relationship. I said blood is thicker than water,but she assues me that wont happen. Now I am worried and think there is going to be a problem, I sense it and have such a bad feeling. What can i do I need some help dealing with this.
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Are your finances separate?
Are your finances separate? Does your wife giving her daughter money hurt your financial situation or can she give her money without a problem?
The fact is that your SD (stepdaughter) is an entitled mooch and her mother ALLOWS IT.
Let your wife spend time with her daughter. You do something else.
How long have you two been together?
Less than a year? Things will either get better, or worse - this is practically your honeymoon.
I would definitely be on guard (your SD moocher spidey senses are spot on!) and watch out - youve already seen some red flags as to what the entitled SD40 is about. Did Manipulator SD drive the previous husband away? She could set her sights on you next (if she hasnt already, so get out your popcorn and get ready for a nice show)
Manipulators always have some game up their sleeves, and control is their main motivator. Expect some pushback. Seems like youve gotten that a bit already (we like novels about greedy entitled skids..) So, it might be a great idea to follow what many advise and maintain separate finances, perhaps consider a trust, if there are multiple assets involved, and definitely have airtight wills, whatever a good lawyer would advise. The important thing is to make certain that Manipulator cannot get her greedy selfish paws on your assets, or kick you out of a house you share with your DH, if she were to pass.
Other than that, just wait for her to really get started! LOL. Disangagement is your friend, so read up on it. if DW is really committed to making your relationship and marriage a priority, she will find it a bit painful, because remember - this relationship with Manipulator in its current incarnation has been around a LOOOOOONG time.
Why in the world
Why in the world would your step daughter think she's entitled to $ from her mother's house? Did she help pay for it or something?
th sd did not pay for
th sd did not pay for anything. She has always manipilated her mother and as I said her mother gives in by her guilting her. She is a spoiled rotten bitch and will probably never change. You can lipstick on a pig but you still have a pig.
Your wife and her daughters
Your wife and her daughters relationship probably won’t change now.
My advice to you is that ‘as long as you are reasonably happy’ and your finances are separate....?
Then try and ignore it at much as possible unless she is being directly rude to you.
I would not have joint finances in this situation (or any really) but that’s just me.
If you begin to struggle with this situation you may want to seek counselling, and maybe get legal advice if you have joint finances so this entitled young lady doesn’t get her hands on your cash.
I stay out of the occasional
I stay out of the occasional drama with my DH and his kids. ONLY when it affects me (my time, money, home, etc.) do I say anything to DH. I generally get along with his kids, although I wouldn't say we're close, and that's fine.
There are times when I feel he is being manipulated, or expected to jump for them, or being punished by them for something they think he should or should not have done. I go through the steps of asking myself if it has any impact on me, and if it does, is it important. It's almost always no impact or no important impact. On the rare occasion when it does affect me, I simply tell DH what I will or will not do. He has learned over the years not to make commitments for me without asking me, and in fact if his kids want me to do something specific for them, they ask me directly. All that works well, most of the time. We still have the occasional hiccup.
I understand how upsetting it is to watch your stepdaughter mistreat her mother. And your natural instinct is to protect your wife. But they've been doing that dysfunctional dance for most of their lives, and there's not a thing you can do about it. They're both adults and they have to manage their own relationships. Doesn't mean you can't help coach your wife if she asks or is accepting of that. But you can't make her stand up for herself. And you can't make the daughter act like a decent human. It's tough sometimes.
SD does not dislike you
SD does not dislike you because you are caring; she dislikes you because you stand in the way of the $$$$$$$ she thinks is hers. And because she could control her mother until she had a protector - you - in front of her.
Make sure your finances are protected while alive (POA, health directives) and after death (wills, trusts). Support your DW in dealing with her DD. And you ignore the SD. She doesn't treat you with respect; she is non-existant.