I come to this site whenever I don’t want to feel that I’m alone in my resentment of my step kids. I don’t hate them, I am just embarrassed and very disappointed in how they have turned out. Brief history, my husband and have been together for 13 years, married for 10. His son 27, lives with his girlfriend and is a great guy, we have a close relationship . My daughter is 21, lives with us, his two daughters 21 and 18 also live with us. All three of my steps have no relationship with bio mom, very long story, basically BM choice her abusive boyfriend over them. I had a very good relationship with them growing up, until the girls turned around 13. His middle child now 13 was a handful to say the least, a cutter, various non serious suicide attempts, time spent in mental health ward. I’m not under minding mental illness, but her many therapists thought they were attention seeking, rather then a desire to die. Needless to say this was an extremely stressful 3 years for the whole family. Because of my husbands fear of her suicide threats, he let her get away with everything, I mean everything. Her room was beyond disgusting, sleep overs at boyfriends at 16 years old. She was never disciplined a day in her life. My daughter, who is the same age, got away with way more then I was comfortable with ( not nearly as much as his) but I did sent rules and boundaries and I will admit that I said to her that you are my daughter my rules. When his youngest daughter turned 15 she began to ask out, skipping school, assaulted someone at school. Anytime my husband would try to decipline her she would pull the you never made middle child do that and he would back off and let her get away with everything.

Fast forward to now, my daughter 21 has finished college, has a part time job and is looking for work in her field. She was not a perfect teenager by any means but she respects our home and us, keeps her room clean and follows our rules. His middle daughter also 21 and also finished college is working in her field which is all good but for attention now she claims to have many allments, numerous concussions, back problems, knee problems, eye stigmatisun, sleep apnea and more. Her room is still disgusting as dad never follows up because she may freak out, which she still does often. Nothing is every her fault. She lost her job because the boss is a jerk, lost her phone because we didn’t buy her a purse she even fell off the bus while looking at her phone ( they have it on tape) and she wanted to sue the bus company because her needing 6 weeks off for a lightly sprayed ankle should be compinsated. The youngest in now 18, room disgusting, never does laundry, doesn’t do what she ever says she will, lies constantly and just started dating a guy that after a month together punched a whole in her bedroom wall ( she said it was her, but he was the one with the cuts on his hand. 

Thanks to reading the advice on this site, I made the decision to disengage with my SDs. I do not confront them or ask a thing from them. I also do not do things for them. I have always been a supportive good step mother but they only take and never give and I have had enough. It was my hope that my husband would step up and have them clean their rooms and contribute to the running of the home, as they are ADULTS now. Their rooms being disgusting drives me crazy and my husband knows, I was just put on high blood pressure meds and I really think this stress is a big part of it. After 6 months of disengaging and hoping that dad would act like a dad, no luck. So I sat down with him and told him how disappointed I was in them and him. I have been managing this home for years with little help. His response really surprised me, he said that he has given up on trying with the girls and is just waiting for them to move out. He is sick of all there BS and never doing what they are told. 

So I have disengaged and he has given up. So they can live in our home, disrespect us ( especially dad), never clean their rooms etc and I just wait. I really need advice from others that may have some experience with this. I truly love him, he is a wonderful husband and have plans to leave him, but what do we/him do about the kids?

much appreciated!