Feeling confused and worn down after break up. I have dated my partner for nearly 3 years.

We don’t live together but live on the next street to each other. We each have a son of similar age from previous relationships. Mine 12, his 10.

Our relationship didn’t have the best start. When I first met BF he was in the middle of a stressful custody case with his ex wife and his son was experiencing mental health problems. BF was distant and moody with me a lot, often cancelling plans, ignoring me or picking arguments with me, being very negative in general and critical of me. At his worst we would have intense arguments and he would yell, swear at me and threaten to leave me/ break up with me then go back on decision a day or two later. It was a draining dynamic and I considered leaving, but I was compassionate to the stress he was under, hoped the emotional unavailability and anger would pass and I felt we had potential if so. We share the same interests, life values and ideas of what a future should look like and we make each other laugh, are attentive to and very attracted to each other. We go camping and love to go kayaking together and want the same from life. After the custody case settled and the result was a happy one we did get better and became closer and the emotional unavailability did pass. But every now and then the anger was still an issue and an intense fight would come up- true to his word he stopped threatening to leave and panic dumping me- but the criticising, yelling and name calling- although it lessened, still came up, when we had inevitable disagreements over managing a blending family. 

I’m no angel- I believe I was the more patient and fair one in the beginning but a year later, I started standing up for myself and found myself becoming quite defensive and arguing back an awful lot and snapping too.

We had varied external pressures- my DS initially resisted to accepting him and would play up, my SS was accepting of me but I felt the problems with his mental health were an issue in how the pressure of that made my BF act towards me- he would get frustrated with his DS and I felt I took the brunt of it at times which made me start to disengage from them and prefer time alone or with my DS seperately instead. This seperateness would then anger him which would then make me want to take more space and thus another negative cycle between us was born!

I think if I’m honest, because of all the difficulties we’ve had, I’ve been harbouring resentment and doubts about the relationship for a long time. Then it all came to a head.

A couple weeks ago I’d just returned from hospital seeing my mother unwell with cancer and I came home to him in one of his moods. He felt angry and felt that my DS had been exacerbating SS’s mental health issues that day from something he’d said to him. I really didn’t need to come home from the hospital to what I felt was another petty and unnecessary argument about the kids (triggered by his frustration over SS’s mental health issues). I asked my DS what had happened, cleared up that it was a misunderstanding (genuinely, my DS and SS get on well and are very considerate of each other. )I was annoyed at BF’s overreaction to nothing, snapped at him to tell him so and he lost his temper and screamed **** you at me when DS was right in the next room and SS in bed- they both heard. My DS was visibly frightened by the show of anger, it made me jump too so I took him home and left. 

That was the worse fight witnessed by my DS and I felt so guilty at him seeing us fight and seeing me be treated that way. It woke me up to all the fights DS and SS have seen between us. What example have we been setting for the kids. In that moment it made me realise I don’t want to take the next step of moving in with him- if this is what I have to look forward to living together and at times when things are hard too and I need support- this happening in the context of what’s happening with my mum right now feels like a slap in the face. And what’s his excuse when there’s no custody case stressing him out now. 

So I broke up with him. But now I’m wondering if I’m made the right decision or not as he really wants us to get back together and try again. He said he’ll try hard not to yell again or fight with me as often but he also said I’m being unrealistic if I don’t expect fights in the stress of a blended family and he says I’ll struggle to find anyone else who doesn’t find it stressful and argue with me also. 

I get that every couple argues and I get that thats more likely to happen in a blended family situation too because of extra stress.

But I just didn’t expect to be fought with quite so often and quite so intensely and I’m now tempted to resign myself to being a single mum again, if not for the sake of my DS as I’d rather not have a relationship at all than model a turbulent relationship to him. 

Can anyone relate or advise?

Anyone been in similar situations?

Anyone else fighting a lot or as intensely and accepting it as part of the stress involved in blending a family?

It would be interesting to have an outsiders opinion, thanks so much. 

I’m very confused.