Hairgate
*edit* This did happen years ago but it one of the reason I am no contact with BM.
My hubby's daughter has beautiful curly hair it is very time thick and luscious. She has been left to her own devices as far as styling her hair since I've met her when she was seven years old. She has so much hair that she was unable to put it in a ponytail without help. I get it 4B hair is tough to manage and the products that work are expensive.
In step world I learned that no good deed goes on unpunished. Being kind and thoughtful is just a dagger that stepmoms use to punish poor BMs. *eye roll*
BM lost her shit bc I styled sd’s hair. Look, I wasn’t born with 4B curl patterns but YouTube showed me the way. I led a crusade to find a decent hair product cocktail. If you have any short coiled curl pattern it’s no small feat when you find the holy grail for their hair.
My motivation was my pride, if I'm being honest. In my culture children and how well kept they look in public is a reflection of you. No one knows that she is not my daughter while we are out in public. SD and hubby were grateful but BM was not, she would immediately wash out the protective hair styles SD was sent back in that could easily last a week or two. It would be one thing if she helped or tried.
This woman cut this little girls hair down to a little afro bc it's length inconvinced her. Kid's are mean and SD feelings were hurt bc she felt self conscious. We took the expensive way out, found her a stylist and shelled out $80-$100 bucks per styling (includes tip for squeezing us in last minute). Her stylist is AMAZING and coaches SD on how to care for her hair.
SD has graduated to box braids ($300 each time now) but she is thankful and appreciative and they last her a couple of months. You can see in pictures that looking presentable allows her to be confident.
Bc of hairgate BM might suspect I'm behind certain things but as far as she knows it's all my hubby. I still can't fathom someone wanting their to look bad bc it hurt her fee fees, to "win".
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That's sad. You just want to
That's sad. You just want to help your SD and her mom is being petty. And the one she is hurting is her daughter, not you or DH. I have a friend whose ex would always take off their daughters' nail polish or undo their hair just because their stepmom did it for them. That's just such a level of petty I will never understand, and using your kids to get back at your ex and/or a stepparent is just beyond pale. I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I hope eventually your BM will give up and let go of her anger.
She is either too focused on
She is either too focused on her new hubby and trying to win over his kid's or doesn't want SD to see through her best mom guise. The kid's have had her pegged for awhile. They won't ask her to save money for them bc it always disappears. While she gets a nice amount of cs every month the kids always owe her money. *unknw* SD is almost 18 now.
Huh, I'd never heard of hair
Huh, I'd never heard of hair types before. Learn something new every day!
Black hair is USUALLY ranges
Black hair is USUALLY ranges from 4A( straight, soft, with elongated coils)to 4C(course, tight coils) Some people have a mixture of hair types. 4C on the sides and back with 4B in the middle.
Black hair is a serious journey. LOL
Meanwhile I can barely even
Meanwhile I can barely even manage my slightly curly white person hair... (ponytails for days is really what I'm saying here....)
Yeah, I'm a simple 2A. Wash
Yeah, I'm a simple 2A. Wash and wear.
It is a JOURNEY!!! My hair is
It is a JOURNEY!!! My hair is straight AF, it curls and straightens when I say. My braid game while it has improved is nowhere near the level of her stylist.
hair product cocktail?
Is this a chemical process?
Not for natural hair. Heat
Not for natural hair. Heat and chemicals can damage natural hair. Heat rips out oils, moisture and strips the hair shaft.
The products we use helps to lock in moisture and oils.
Just a lot
She has what is considered natural hair, as no perm is applied to make her hair straight. I joined a bunch a curly hair groups to figure what what to do or add. It is very difficult to find one hair product that works for all curly hair. She has special shampoo, moisturizer and edge laying gel (it's an entire thing).
Ahh, having presentable SKs.
Ahh, having presentable SKs. It's no small feat trying to undo poor hygiene habits and lazy parenting.
Before DH started taking the boys to get every single haircut, BM's XH would just give them buzz cuts. BM didn't make enough money to take them to get haircuts, and she was bipolar on whether she would appreciate DH stepping in or not.
Same went with nice clothes. It is embarrassing knowing that your house - the NCP house - has bought nice clothes - button up shirts, slacks, a nice pair of shoes - and then NEVER see the kids wear it to nicer events. Why? Because the boys can't find their nice clothes, or BM didn't want to push them to change, or whatever other reason.
Then, their hair would be unkempt. They wpuld be unwashed and their clothes would smell. Now that they are teenagers, they are usually unshaved (which DH has no issue if they want to groom their facial hair to have a beard, but they don't groom it, either).
From tip to toe, when these kids are with BM, they look and smell slovenly. It's pitiful given how much DH pays in CS and how many "extras" he buys for the kids that should be covered by that money.
Luckily all hygiene issues
Luckily all hygiene issues were nipped in the butt but it all came from my hubby. SS entered the stinky teen phase a few years ago (whew!, we are surviving). Yes, we did go buy sweat pants when SS was wearing pants that looked like capris. My husband rather chop his own arm off then engage with things he can fix himself (luckily, we are in a financial position to do so).
His daughter has so much hair, she just couldn't do her hair herself without help in the beginning (when she was seven) She only gets help at our house to speed up the process.
I like the way you worded
I like the way you worded this to appeal a group of woman that do not have the history or struggles of black hair. It would be interesting to hear the responses from an audience that were predominantly black women.
You know how we feel about other people "playing/messing in" our children's hair. That woman made it clear to you that she didn't want you messing with her daughter's hair but you continued to do so.
If I were that mom, I would have been livid. Especially after I ntold you to leave her hair alone and you ignored me. I would not have cut her hair, but I would have sent her to each visit after that with a ton of TINY braids in her hair.
Why in the world was a black girl ashamed of having an afro? Both of her parents should have been teaching her to embrace her blackness and be proud of all aspects of it.
Natural hair is not expensive to maintain. I did the big chop in 2015(I have 4C hair). When I'm in a rush or I'm traveling, I buy commercial products. Other than that I make my own conditioners and gels at home.
She didn't care about her
She didn't care about her hair at all until she started getting returned to her in two strand twist or finger coils. I think if her Afro had been moisturized and curls allowed to set into their definition it would be one thing. Her mom cut her hair off herself and it was shorter on some parts and long on others.
Her mom nor I are black. SD gets comercialed products for shampoo and conditioner. I made gel out of flax seed when she was younger. She learned herself last year and makes it for herself. It was expensive in the beginning buying all the wrong products.
My husband has been shaving his head since college. His only concern is that SD felt good about herself. We are in the middle of nowhere and the kiddos don't see too many reflections of themselves at school and kids are mean.
I understand your thought process if BM had been at least been trying to do something. She goes to get her hair styled now, in a pinch I'll twist it for her but it's sooo long now.
Sparkl3s~ I could have wrote
Sparkl3s~ I could have wrote this post word for word. I also went through the very same thing with my H's daugthers hair. If you look at this link Mane Choice, they have amazing hair products for curly hair and they are phenomenal. They can be a bit pricey but so worth it.
https://themanechoice.com
We went with the entire
We went with the entire mizani hair line, if she was my kid it would be homemade everything but alas I have to remind myself to pump the breaks. I think her hair would thrive on the curly girl method but not my kid, can't care too much or we will be back to the beginning.
My toddler just gets some olive oil put in his hair and flax seed gel.
Lesson here is NEVER mess
Lesson here is NEVER mess with a kid's hair.
I have seen many similar posts on Steptalk and hair is huge issue where kids, BMs and SMs are concerned.
I know you probably meant well, but this is one of those hot button issues that always blows up - and you lose.
As to curly hair, the best thing to do is wear it as natural as possible.
I have found it a losing battle to go to war with my own hair: I wear it long and curly and don't fight with it.
It would help to teach your SD to love her hair and how to properly deal with it, even at a young age.
There is just way to much drama around hair IMO.
For the record, my hair will give "Princess Merida" of Brave a run for her bow and arrow!: very long, red, curly and with a damn mind of its own.
So I do understand the struggle...
But wearing it natural and taking care of natural hair in all its untamed glory is the best thing to do in the long run.
I'd like to say looking back
I'd like to say looking back now, knowing what I now know, I still wouldn't have done it but I'd be lying. I would have taken her to a stylist sooner. Her mom has tried to take her to ppl to do her hair since we started taking SD but not everyone knows what they are doing with curly hair. SD got burned by someone trying to straighten her hair and it lasted an hour before it puffed up.
We asked the stylist about it but she told us for her hair to get flat ironed it needs to be trained (still don't know exactly what she meant) but she did imply it takes even MORE effort to maintain. My hubby is big on her hair being beautiful as it is so if SD wanted to do that she needs a job. We only cover normal hair care and we still need to buy bundles of hair for some of her styles. She does get the green light to add color with fake hair as long as it's tasteful (my hubby's words).