Money and Step Kids
Hell All,
So yesterday I was looking at the CC and I have two soon to be step kids who we have one or two days a week. I noticed that their father took them to lunch for 32 bucks. Which he tends to either get them drive thru, take them the the diner some mornings or take them to a deli. All I said was “Hey 32 is a lot for lunch (we are scaling back to save for a wedding) can we try and scale it back a bit?
He totally jumped down my throat. Brought up what I spend money on and it really turned ugly. I said to him if you expect me to be their step mother then I get a say not about what you spend but we we spend on the kids. I wasn’t raised that way and my mom couldn’t afford to take us to lunch all the time. So in my mind, taking them out here and there isn’t a big deal but I was just asking to scale it back.
Everytime I say something regarding them he blows up at me. I can see if I was like don’t take them out at all and all the meals need to be eaten at home but that’s not what I was saying.
We used to eat out a lot him and I for dinner and we have since been scaling it back. I said to him the issue I have is that if they were biologically mine and I said that to him then it would be a different story to where he said I shouldn’t even have said anything because they aren’t biologically mine. (At this point we were both saying mean stuff)
its like he wants me to be the step mom only when it’s convenient. And when he doesn’t like what I have to say it’s a big blow up. I told him that my step monther growing up had a say in things and he’s like well your dad wasn’t in your life the whole time (I lived in a different state until 
and I have a different relationship with my kids. It’s like he is the prefect man for me but when I say something that has to do with them he blows up at me. And he thinks he’s right. It’s not even a conversation he just gets nasty with me right off the bat and it’s like I have to walk on eggshells. So my question is this, is it wrong of me to ask him to scale back on taking them out?
This guy and his shallow gene pool are a collective write off.
Move on.
You are not even married yet and he has discounted you and your position in the relationship and by his actions considers you as subservient to he and his unrelated to you crotch nuggets.
Leave he and his spawn to wallow in the stench of the shallow and polluted gene pool he represents.
The high % of prior breeders who expect their new partner to STFU and finance the prior relationship breeding experiments is mind boggling to me. These idiots need to be booted to the curb before the new partner gets sucked in too deep to get out cleanly. If the new SO clearly understands that the SParent partner is their equity life partner and the unparalleled priority then by all means the SParent partner can and often should participate in raising Skids and contributing to the marital income. However, any demand by the breeder for the non breeder partner to fund prior relationship children should be considered with extreme suspicion as any participation by the SParent partner is entirely at the discretion of the SParent partner.
Your partner needs this clarity. It is too late IMHO for this relationship to be viable in the long term. Your partner has bared his own ass and you need to maintain clarity on his bullshit.
Move on.
Take care of you.
I don't think it was
I don't think it was unreasonable for you to ask him to scale things back especially since it was something that you both agreed upon because of the upcoming wedding. He's very defensive when it comes to his kids and if you can't communicate how you feel and walk on eggshells when it pertains to the step kids you are in for a bumpy ride.
This is a BIG red flag and you should question whether you want to marry someone like this and think of what your future holds if you can't even talk to him without blowing up.
If you choose to continue in a relationship, I'd have separate bank accounts and have one joint just for bills. If he wants to splurge on his kids that's on him, but it's on his dime not yours.....since he only wants you to play SM when it's convenient for him.
OP, Are you sharing credit and
Are you sharing credit and not married? Rethink that right now. He's asking you to help pay, no demanding it. Nope.
Heck, I am married and DH and I still have separate accounts! Why do people think you must mingle money just because you are a couple?!
32 for lunch is not all that
32 for lunch is not all that out of line for 3 people to eat lunch. But, if his default is to eat out with the kids every meal.. and he doesn't have enough to cover your joint expenses?.. that is the problem.
Now, I will start by saying that you and he need to do some work on your relationship before you get married. Communication and conflict resolution are not going well.. and it won't improve.
But.. if you do go forward.. you MUST have separate finances. You will have joint financial responsibilities for the home.. utilities.. rent/mortgage.. groceries etc. Now, with him having two extra people.. one or two days a week.. that means his share should be a bit larger than yours.. not double or triple necessarilly but it should be more.
THEN.. you both need to be on the same page with long term financial goals. Including saving for the wedding and retirement. These shouldn't be nebulous goals though.. they should come with specific obligation/commitments. So.. you should be saving X amount each per month towards the goals. Maintain the savings SEPARATELY until you need to spend them for the goal. (in case things don't work out etc.. also makes it clear who is keeping their end of the bargain).
Beyond that.. what you earn is yours.. save it.. spend it.. you don't dictate his spending and vice versa.. of discretionary spending after the above needs are met.
That might take the argument where it needs to go.. not that you are wasting money on your kids, which comes off that you hate hiskids.. but that "you are not saving the 200/month we agreed upon for the wedding.. can you tell me why you didn't do that this month??"
I don't think you're in the
I don't think you're in the wrong but I can understand his reaction to a degree. For him this is his time with his kids. This is how he interacts with them and what he's used to doing. He doesn't see just the money.
It should have been a conversation
appreciate the comments. My issue is that he could have simply expressed his side of it and cake to an agreement. In my opinion they don’t need to eat out all the time. They eat out more than I do. If he simply said hey let’s agree on once a week or babe I really enjoy that time with them it would have been a different story. But his constant jumping down my throat over the kids makes me feel like what I want doesn’t matter. That’s the issue. If I am going to be the step mom then we need to agree on how we spend money on them just like we would do if they were biologically mine.
I wouldn't be marrying
I wouldn't be marrying someone that jumped down my throat.
But, on his side.. I might not want to marry someone that tries to micromanage me either..
but def.. get a better handle on your communications between the two of you before marriage...
He only wants you to be a SM
For the things he wants. Taking his kids out, going in vacation. Going to school events. He goes not want you to make any decisions for his kids. This is a big RED flag in your relationship. SK and SO will do what they want and that it..
think it's time to revalue your relationship
How can he be the perfect man for you?
How can he be the perfect man for you if he blows up at you when you say anything to him about his kids? You said, "And he thinks he’s right. It’s not even a conversation he just gets nasty with me right off the bat and it’s like I have to walk on eggshells." These are not the actions of a man who is going to make a good life partner.
It is not so much whether he should be spending the money or not - it is how he is responding when you try and talk to him about it. And in my part of the country, $32 for 3 people for lunch is not out of the ordinary. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to discuss the matter without anger.
Exactly
it’s like it’s not open to discussion. He is telling me I’m trying to control his money because it was him who wanted that for lunch not the kids. But like numerous times he is going to drop them off on the way home on a Saturday and he takes them to the diner and I just think it’s unnecessary. He could have said to me hey I don’t do it that much, or I can see what your saying I will tone it back a bit, or no that is something I need to be able to do. Either way he just tells me I should pick my battle with that. It makes me feel like no 32 bucks isn’t that much but when he acts like I have no say regarding spending on OUR children it’s not ok. I said to him if it was our child and I said the same thing or if the kids were mine biologically his response would be totally different. And if I had a child I wasn’t raised that way and to me going out of a treat and something that doesn’t need to be on a regular basis. But to him I’m controlling him. I don’t are what he buys for himself he works but when it comes to the kids who do not work it should be an agreement between us because our money is mutual. I can see if I said no to taking them out all together but I didn’t. I approached it nicely and ASKED him to tone it down and I got a nasty response about what I spend and who I am. Last time I checked I work too. I just don’t know where to go from here.
I think he's a dirty fighter
I think he's a dirty fighter and you should not marry him - but no, they aren't "our" kids. I don't think you should fund them, nor should you micromanage what he spends on them. It's not at all the same as if you shared bio kids.
In my honest opinion, stop
In my honest opinion, stop saving for the wedding. If $32 dollars for him to take his kids to lunch is such a big deal.(thats not alot for lunch for 3 people)...then you should be simply just saving money in an account for a rainy day...not saving to just blow it all on a wedding.
I would jump down my DH's throat if he went through the CC statement and told me not to spend $32 on my kids and I having lunch....I would be fuming.Someone tracking my every dollar spent and on what...that doesnt fly with me. And then if he told me that it would be okay to spend the $32 if the kids were actually his kids.....that would be a mistake.
Possibly postpone the wedding
Possibly postpone the wedding until you sure this default communication style of his isn’t going to get worse. When you are sure you are marrying mr right, and mr nice guy, what about considering a low key, romantic wedding (low key doesn’t have to mean awful dress etc).
Think you have to come to some
Agreement on money, on spending, how much a month he spends on his kids ect. BEFORE you get married. Also remember some important thing. Becoming a full time SM is one accident away, or one boy toy away. As kids get older they cost more money. Name brand clothes, cars, car insurance, college, weddings.
what and how much DH is going to pay for these thing. Will you be paying for SK.? Or all your SO money goes to SK. And you are paying for vacations, thing for your home. , food ???