I’m new here
Hi everyone!
I’m new here and not really sure how this all works, but I know I need some help with my current situation.
I’m 23, got with my SO originally 3 years ago past in July (it’s Oct now). We broke up briefly and got back together properly 1 year and 8 months ago. My SO has 1 daughter and we all moved in together in December last year. My SD doesn’t have another parent, so lives with us full time.
Me and my SD have always had a great relationship, we were best friends to start and she was always excited to see me. However, since moving in together that relationship has rapidly deteriorated, I put it down to her moodswings as she’s 11 and going through all the horrible puberty crap! But she’s becoming harder and harder to deal with to the point I broke down to my partner at the weekend and almost broke up with her!
I don’t really agree with some of the ways SO parents, things like, my SD pees herself during the day, at school, out with friends etc. My SO says they don’t want to go to the doctors about this as they have before and been told nothing is wrong. They think she will just grow out of it. How it’s dealt with is another issue, SD will come home and sit on the couch in her peed clothes, she won’t shower and leaves the clothes on the carpet and the smell ends up soaked in!!
She knows she shouldn’t do this, but there is literally no telling her, she is in the house before us during the week so we can’t ensure these things are done.
When asked to do anything (normal chores, cleaning up mess they made, tidy room etc) my SD kicks off almost every time! She is violent, had bruised me on numerous occasions, her first reaction when told No or when she’s not getting her own way is to hit, kick, bite, scratch, throw things. Just general things to cause pain!
I feel I’m very clear and simple in my asks. Anyone that lives in this house can clean this house. She is set tasks to do when home from school and some days just chooses to ignore them, then when we come home and find she’s been sat playing Xbox and on her phone we remove those items. Pretty straight forward I think. But then the almighty fight breaks loose because she’s losing her things, and this repeats and repeats and repeats. She never learns and I don’t understand why.
I’m getting to a point where I feel mine and my partners ‘relationship’ revolves around going to work, coming home, arguing with SD, then with each other. And repeating every single day. I’m tired of walking on egg shells in my own home, I don’t know how to control SD. And I don’t understand why it’s such a big ask to begin with that she does the things she is supposed to!
After the massive fight at the weekend where I got kicked really hard to the point I have a golf ball sized bruise on my hip, and the almost breakdown of our relationship, I’m being left alone every night this week with SD as SO is working lates. I’m worried to ask for things to be done because I fear another kick off will make me walk out the door and not look back.
What can I do to make things easier? How can I control my 11 yr old SD and have a happy home?
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Comments
Who kicked you? Your SO or
Who kicked you? Your SO or the SD? Neither is acceptable. If it was your SO, you need to leave, pronto. If it was SD, what did SO do about it? If nothing, my advice is the same.
Why do you think walking out the door and not looking back is a bad thing?
Hey NDC
Hey NDC
it was my SD that kicked me, my SO was out at work when it happened, I spoke to her when she came home and she immediately went and woke SD up out of bed and made her do the tasks I asked her to do earlier in the day which caused the massive argument and kicking.
Being violent towards everyone is a ‘normal’ things so my SO wasn’t shocked by it, but very very angry
And too much of me doesn’t
And too much of me doesn’t want to leave because I really do love my SO and want it work out, I just don’t know how to make it
And too much of me doesn’t
And too much of me doesn’t want to leave because I really do love my SO and want it work out, I just don’t know how to make it
Get the heck out of there
No amount of love can overcome the obstacles you are in right now. The physical abuse will continue to escalate. Get yourself out of this situation NOW!!
This is my fear... how much
This is my fear... how much worse will it get!?
but speaking to my SO she explained she can’t handle SD either, and she’s scared and needs me and that we’ll get through it together. I’m trying to think about myself, but I can’t live with turning my back on SO when she’s just as worried as me. I don’t know what to do :(
Is the daughter in therapy?
Is the daughter in therapy? If not, why not? If your gf caan't handle her own daughter then you have to start somewhere. Is it possible that she has mental health issues?
How does she behave in school? Is she violent there too or does she save the violence for home?
She’s not on therapy, I have
She’s not on therapy, I have suggested a few time for anger management, but SO just thinks she’ll grow up eventually and stop everything. I’m very aware of mental health issues and part of my job involves dealing with things like that so I do always try and notice “warnings signs” I haven’t noticed anything that makes me think she’s suffering from things like that. Nah the violence is only at home
So while waiting for her to
So while waiting for her to grow out of it, the rest of you have to deal with the anger and the violence? Nope, not on. Maybe she just needs a neutral party she can talk to, again, I suggest a therapist (or use the word "counsellor" if your SO can't handle "therapist"). There's a reason this is only happening at home.
As for the urinating ... what can I say? She should have grown out of that (and stayed out of that phase) years ago. Your SO really needs to take her back to see the doctor and if she's brushed off again and fed the "grow out of it" line, she should seek a second opinion, pronto!
The urinating is something my
The urinating is something my partner is nervous about seeking help for, because she did when she was younger, around 4/5 years ago. Her daughter was taken off her by social work to investigate sexual abuse. Nothing like that was, or is, going on but obviously professionals need to visit all these things. It really scarred my SO and SD and they’re both against going through that again.
I can understand to an extent, but on the other hand I see the need to try again and deal with things better this time. It’s just difficult to talk her round to this idea and showing her it could really help
Oh, it can get much, MUCH
Oh, it can get much, MUCH worse. If she cannot handle her own child and that child is physically abusive, she needs to call the police. Yes, on her 11yo. CALL THE POLICE.
What you need to do is Be Happy. And let's face it. You are NOT happy in this relationship/situation. You are young. Life is short. GO BE HAPPY.
A lot Worse
Based on what you wrote, this can get much much worse...could escalate from physical abuse to financial abuse to much much worse. You are NOT responsible for helping your SO get through this - that is the parents responsibility. Asking you, no guilting you into staying to help her parent, is not fair, does not have your best interest in mind.
At 11, there are YEARS ahead....long hard, dog years ahead for what??? What if the pi$$er gets pregnant? Into drugs? Steals? Can you realistically say that is what you want the rest of your 20’s and 30’s to be like?
Love does not have to come at this price. Please think hard about this. Your SO should not ask you to stay and put up with this. You should not WANT to stay.
We broke up briefly and got
We broke up briefly and got back together properly
^^What does that mean - got back together "properly"??
Your partner is not a good parent. This girl is 11yo and, IMO, ruling the household.
How old is your partner?? You are 23yo. Only 23. There are a LOT of single, childless women out there.
Well when we first got
Well when we first got together we weren’t being to serious as we didn’t really know what we wanted, but when we got back together we wanted to be serious about it so I refer to it as ‘properly’
Also yes!! Exact phrase I use
Also yes!! Exact phrase I use! Ruling the house and us! What does IMO mean? My partner is 29, we’re both girls as well
IMO = In My Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
Reading your post, I had the feeling you are both women. Again, there are plenty of single, childless women out there. Too much drama with this poorly parented wild child.
This is not ok
How can you stay with gf? Allowing the sd to physically assault you or her is not acceptable. If my ss or bd hit or kicked anyone in the household once all of their stuff would go in the bin, if they did it again they'd get it back harder. Etc your gf is allowing this to happen to you. The sd won't learn as there are no consequences
probably best to leave
Your GF is a terrible parent
Your GF is a terrible parent who refuses to get her 11 year old help for the pants wetting. That is so disgusting I don't even know how you can hold this chick's hand, let alone be more intimate with her. My lady parts would dry up faster than you can say, "our couches reek like urine."
I wouldn't consider taking the next step with this broad until she has completed parenting classes and has several months of actual parenting under her belt.
This child has demonstrated
This child has demonstrated that she is not mature enough to be a latchkey kid. She needs to go to aftercare on weekdays, at the very least.
Her electronics need to be confiscated permanently.
And next time she throws a violent fit, call the cops.
It’s mad that all your
It’s mad that all your replies are things I’ve been thinking and always to scared to say. This is one of the hardest things I’ve faced and you’re all right.. I’m so young, j can’t imagine the rest of my life being like this, I’m scared and I feeel embarrassed that I feel like this and that I’m having to use an online anonymous support group to deal with things! No disrespect to anyone as I do feel it’s a brilliant group, I just hate that I feel I can’t talk to people in my life about this fully :(
thank you all, I have a lot of thinking to do and I will update this a long the way. You’re all such brilliant people thank you! Xoxox
So let me get this straight.
So let me get this straight. She can’t manage her own daughter and wants you to do it. She won’t get any help for her despite red flags flying all over the place.
What exactly do you love about her? This child only behaves this way at home because of poor parenting. She’s crying out for her mother to be her parent, not for you to take over.
Honestly, this is child neglect. I could not love anyone who neglected their child’s mental health and emotional needs in this manner. The school will be calling CPS soon, hopefully.
This kid needs psychiatric help.