New stay at home mom
my husband has children from a previous marriage whom I just can’t like. Both parents are military and we recently relocated to a different state so we haven’t had his kids come over yet. I’m now a stay at home mom to our new baby. The youngest skid goes to daycare back where he lives and I know when they come over my husband won’t want to pay for care while he’s at work because I’m home with our son. I like staying home with my child but I do not want to spend all damn day with his kid. I could barely get through every other weekend visit when we were in the same duty station. I feel like my only way out is going back to work and putting our son n daycare but I don’t even want his son in the same daycare with my son. Even when he video calls his kids I hate it when he tells them our son is their baby, it’s so irritating. He’s not their baby!
How close in age is his older son with yours?
I doubt they would be put in same daycare group if not same age
He’s 3 but I know at some
He’s 3 but I know at some daycares the older siblings are allowed to visit the babies room to see there siblings. I just don’t consider his kids to be our son’s siblings
Whether you consider them
Whether you consider them siblings or not, reality is that they have the same father. They are half siblings. You can't change biology.
I am certain you can notify the daycare not to allow them to
visit, but I think you are over the top on this. They babies are supervised.
First off, our son is a month
First off, our son is a month old and I’m on maternity leave. Second, I have worked all my life up until I went into labor. I have savings and your implication that I owe my husband for supporting me financially is ridiculous. I’m his wife and that’s his child, therefor his responsibility. Just like he is responsible for paying child support for his other kids. Those are his kids and responsibility of his, not mine. I don’t owe those kids anything. The only child I am responsible for is our son.
I will take that by being on
I will take that by being on maternity leave.. that you are being paid.. and therefore are financially contributing your share towards the household expenses (share would be you plus for your bio child .. half of your bio child's share of the expense).
If you are staying home.. yet still paying your share (full of you .. and half of your child).. then I wouldn't consider your husband is supporting you fully and you have more of a leg to stand on to expect him to secure childcare for his child.
But.. you husband isn't responsible for YOU.. financially.. he is not obligated to support you 100%.. and his obligation to your child is 50% and you are obligated the other 50%. Now... he may agree that there is enough benefit to you remaining at home past maternity leave to care for your child.. and the home.. and save him money on childcare for his other child. but he may not see enough value without that component.
We are no longer living in a time where the man is responsible for fulfilling all the financial resp of the household because the "little woman" stays at home.
This “little woman” has a
This “little woman” has a career and I do contribute to my family from my savings. I’m not on paid maternity leave because we moved right after our son was born. So if I didn’t have savings and I am not being paid for maternity leave, you’re basically saying I need to leave my month old baby and go to work because I am responsible 50/50? I do agree I’m responsible for my child but that is my only responsibility, myself and our child. But while I did get back to work, within a resonable time frame after birth, my husband is responsible 100% for both of us.
If you have savings and are
If you have savings and are able to contribute financially then you have the right to tell him to go get childcare. If he is supporting you and your child fincially/fully.. beyond a reasonable maternity leave period.. that changes the dynamic.
An option
An option for you is to insist SS doesn’t come until he’s 4. That way he goes to PreK, which is often free. Or 5 that way he is in Kindergarten. Having a newborn is hard. You could communicate it’s too much for you right now.
I said no kids until our baby
I said no kids until our baby had his first set of shots because I don’t want him getting sick, that was not too well received, but that’s my child and his health comes before anything. Husband works and I breastfeed so I don’t expect him to do night feedings and I am a freaking zombie, I don’t need the added annoyance of caring for his kids when my baby isn’t anywhere near ready to sleep through the night, and that’s whether I decide to go back to work or remain at home with our child.
This is long distance -- pre K may not take the kid
Part year are difficult issues
100%
100%
Also, I'm a stay at home mom too and it DOES NOT work to be a SAHM to a skid. You arent their mom, dont have the rights or bond of a mom and all of complications that goes along with being a stepparent get multiplied 10 fold if you are attempting to be the primary caregiver. It does nothing but cause resentment for both the skid and the stepmom. I still watch my SD a good deal of time, but its nothing more than what a babysitter would do. No parenting. And even that is more complicated as a stepmom because if I was babysitting someone else's kids and there was a problem I could just not do it anymore and that would be that. It wouldnt spill over into my personal life.
We moved and I would have to
We moved and I would have to look for a job if I want to go back to work. It’s a line between maternity leave and stay at home. My husband wants me to stay at home until our child is older and i wouldn’t mind as long as I’m only caring for our son. BM lives in a different state and receives child support and has the kids in daycare in their home town. If he expects me to relieve the financial burden of paying for daycare here then he needs to pay less child support. I’m not gonna play mom to his kids, they have their mom. If my husband wants to have his kids stay for more than a weekend, which is when he does not work, then he needs to take that time off from work.
The way you say it....
(I'm editing this because I didn't have my facts straight earlier)
Since your DH wants you to stay home for the forseeable future, then sure, I can see him ASKING you to take on childcare for his older kids and helping out here and there. But the keyword is ASK, not dictate. And from your perspective, its more than ok for your to ask him to have daycare lined up, at least part of the time, if his kids are going to be there during the week while he's at work. And that might be the case if you now have a long distance parenting plan. See what is available in the area for the age group, get prices, tell him what times you are willing to help with his kids while also managing the home and your baby. Phrase it more as what you are able to handle for your own sanity and their well being, rather than the principle of "not taking care of someone else's kids".
This is what a nuclear/intact family would do.... negotiate and discuss how to manage older kids while Mom is home with a baby.
And also, if you have no income of your own coming in, then you need access to your husbands, and a budget for your entire family. You should NOT be dipping into your own savings, unless there is a fairness to it (like he's also taking from savings) because its necessary.
If it isn't feasible financially for him to afford daycare for the youngest, then please do consider going back to work as soon as you are able.
How often are his kids going
How often are his kids going to be over? Is this for a few weeks of holiday or summer long distance visitation, or something more?
In my situation, DH and I have agreed that once our "ours" baby is born, I'll be a SAHM (I currently work part time). He has skids 50/50 and part of our agreement is that I will watch them before and after school on his days. We could not afford daycare without more belt tightening than I want to do, and I like the skids, so I choose to watch them. I would not like to be forced to do so, and I likely would make a different choice if I didn't like the skids.
I do think how much time (and when) these kids will be around is relevant. For instance, summer lends itself to camp, whereas holiday visits don't. Are there day cares in your area that allow drop-ins or take kids short term? Does your DH have realistic options other than taking off himself?
I think it's important to
I think it's important to fully understand financially the impact.
OP can refuse to watch Skid.. because her DH can "just see them on the weekend".. but that may mean that he doesn't exercise as much custody time. which.. will likely result in him having to pay MORE CS. So.. there is a financial hit to OP's household budget. Alternately, if she insists that he get childcare instead.. that is ALSO a financial hit to the household. Can that be weathered? will her DH accept that.. will OP accept that there may be fewer resources available due to having to spend money on childcare?
Obviously, it may be that she is willing to budget aggressively so that her husband's salary (with her savings) allows for the Skid to be in childcare... or stays with BM more and he pays more CS.
The nature of the SAHM or No SAHM agreement between OP and her DH needs to be something they BOTH agree is fair. Neither should be unilaterally making the decision.. but if they are at diagonally opposed points of view.. they are going to need to figure out their compromise if they want to remain together.
I am not saying that OP MUST watch Skid.. I am saying it is perfectly reasonable for her DH to ask that.. if he is going to be shouldering the financial obligations with little to no assistance. (again.. if she is fully contributing or just in the maternity leave situation.. it's a different set of circumstances).
There isn't a right or wrong answer really.. but OP and her husband have to work through what they both find acceptable and fair. That may or may not include her watching his kid.
While I do not like these
While I do not like these kids, I’m not mean to them or do mean things to them when they are around however BM swears I’m the devil lol. Husband decided to take a nap when his kids were over so I took a nap as well because watching them is not my responsibility, and the youngest one shaved his eyebrows. After that incident it’s been high conflict and BM has been sending kids to her aunt while she has military obligations that require travel. Since the move we haven’t had the kids and BM doesn’t want them to come over which I’m fine with. But I know eventually she will let them visit. 2 of the kids are school age so they could only come during vacations and husband does not get vacations from work, he too is military. And the youngest is 3 and not in school. So the kids would be here for over a week and I don’t have the strength or desire to deal with these kids while caring for a baby and husband being at work.
I think if you had put that your baby was 1 month old that would
have resulted in different answers. I dont think you should be expected to make commtiments at this point.
I would also caution you that if your stepkids are neglected at your house and the ex files with with CPS, ALL children can be taken away.
Give it a few months before you make any decisions.
Husband is a pushover and
Husband is a pushover and does as bm says in order to be able to see his kids however, it doesn’t matter how hard he tries she still doesn’t let him see them. I have no obligation to try, those are not my kids. Husband should be more responsible when his kids are over, he should t be napping and expecting me to pick up the ball. Those are his kids to care for and feed when they are in HIS care.
PLEASE listen to me
You can stomp your feet all you want that his kids SHOULD be his responsiblity, but I guarantee you, IF his EX calls CPS, they can take ALL kids out of the house. HIS will got to the BM. Where will your baby go?
I will need to have that
I will need to have that conversation with husband before they even come over. If he can’t stay awake for his kids he shouldn’t have them over.
You have already said your position is stressing the marriage
PLEASE calm down, get counseling.
I would be concerned about
I would be concerned about having responsibility for the skids alone if BM is wanting to pin things on you and thinks you're the devil. Kid falls down and gets a bruise like kids do or something else and she will probably have CPS knocking at the door over it.
Exactly why I chose to have
Exactly why I chose to have no interaction with his kids when they were over, well before we even got pregnant. I used to try to be involved, ply with them and care for them but in BM’s eyes, anything that happened to them it was my fault. A few months into our marriage I decided that those were not my kids and therefor not my problem and it has caused problems in our marriage.
While it is not your
While it is not your "responsibility" to watch his kids.. why didn't you WAKE HIM UP when you decided you wanted a nap? I mean.. at that point.. you were the "awake adult" in the home.. and while the skids aren't your responsibility.. not letting your DH know that the kids were going to be unsupervised? that's not right either.
It's kind of like the situation with a woman who rented a barn I owned once. She was not taking very good care of her animals.. not providing food and water as she was supposed to according to our WRITTTEN lease agreement.. yet.. who was responsible ultimately...? me.. because it was my property and I knew about the horses being there... so I had to work with animal control to get the horses moved.. otherwise it was my responsibility to feed and water them... on my dime. the expectation is that you, as one of the adults in the home, has some obligation to supervise the kids living in the home.
SURE>>> it's your DH's primary responsibility.. but that doesn't give you the right to just be all polly anna about it and go to sleep and leave these young kids to their own ill advised devices without telling your DH that you were not watching them any longer. I get why BM got chapped about that.. you guys are lucky it was just a little hair... and not something worse.
By the time that happened I
By the time that happened I had already had several conversations with husband about him napping while his kids were in our home. Being that I got blamed for everything I told husband several times that if he decided to nap, I would either nap as well, lock myself in our room or go out until he woke up. I did wake him the first few times but after it happening repeatedly, it’s annoying. He was warned well in advance. I disengaged and he wasn’t taking it seriously. Those are his kids.
Being mad at him doesn't give
Being mad at him doesn't give you the right to leave children in a dangerous/unsupervised circumstances.
I mean.. if you were at a theme park and saw toddlers wandering with zero adult around.. would you alert authorities/try to locate parents.. or would you just shrug.. say.. "not my kids.. not my problem"..
I think you had the obligation to wake him each and every time.. not just let the kids run amok.
But.. if he ignores you so much.. maybe you shouldn't be with someone like that?
Since that incident, he hasn
Since that incident, he hasn’t taken a nap when they would come over. It was an awful arguement but he got his shit together and actually watched them while in our home. I didn’t disengage simply because i don’t like the kids. Repeated behavior, events and lack of respect and appreciation led me to that point. The difference then was that I had a full time job and our son wasn’t in the picture so the stay at home mom situation was inimaginable
If your DH can not watch his kids he should arrange
Child care. NOT you. You are not the babysitter. If he can not watch them and can not arrange child care kids do not come over. His ideas of a happy family went out the window with his divorce. He made this problem.. it's his problem. He has to deal with it.