Do you address favoritism outside the home?
Alright so I'm debating with myself. If you have inlaws or extended family that show favoritism, how do you address it?
This is mostly MIL in our case. At first I ignored it, but then it got so extreme that I made DH address it. And first he ignored it but I was upset about a particular instant to the extent that he actually took it seriously for once. Then he asked his older sister what she thought and she told him he needed to say something to their mom about it. So that was a huge blowout because MIL cant discuss anything like an adult, but she did equal things out for awhile. Now shes been slowly, sneakily seeing how much she can favor SD and as shes gotten away with smaller things and BS excuses the favoritism has been ramping up again. I have a feeling the holidays are going to be a shit show. ODS takes this personally and feels excluded by it. I know he needs to know its them and not his fault, but do we do anything regarding MIL herself or just give up because she obviously is not going to change? The two youngest arent aware of it yet, but she obviously has very little interest in them and theres no way it wont show when they are older.
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From experience.....just give
From experience.....just give up and limit time/communication with MIL. People don't change and she will probably just get angry so it's not worth it.
DH's mom is pretty good about being fair to ALL with gift giving and I do appreciate that. It wasn't right away, though. She used to go have "secret Christmas" with BM and skids to give more gifts to skids so my kids wouldn't see.....I don't understand why people do that but whatever. DH's dad and step mom (have TONS of money so it's not about money) also did the "secret christmas" for a couple years....they came to our house and gave a small gift to each kid...then went to BM's the next day and give the skids like $500 each in cash.....funny b/c SD told my DH how rude and unfair it was.
My family does the same and we've also distanced from them....again they have PLENTY of money but will send my bio kids $100 for b-days and $20 to skids.....I just don't get it....again it's not for lack on money....I'd rather them just send nothing to anyone.
This stuff bothered me big time....but not anymore. We wanted everyone in our families to except our blended family....no I couldn't care less and we just do our own thing.
The main reason it bothers me
The main reason it bothers me is because my family was completely equal about it at first and it really makes SD think she is more deserving and ODS think he matters less since she gets from my family and hers, but hers doesnt reciprocate to ODS.
I want to limit contact, but DH whines about that even though he doesnt like his mom much himself. Then he has to deal with her whining and having tantrums so he usually just complies.
Yes, this exactly. In-laws
Yes, this exactly. In-laws favor “poor Cod ss” and give him way more gifts than my two. I used to care, but since we are long distance our kids don’t/won’t notice and we don’t want them to be spoiled with lots of stuff anyway. In-laws shot themselves in the foot w this one because they see less of all of us, including beloved SS.
I think it's different for a
I think it's different for a grandparent to put one of her grandkids above all the others, than it is for a step-grandparent to do that with her biological grandkids over skids. I actually don't think step-grandparents really owe anything to their step-grandkids, it's a very different thing to me.
That being said, if SS was around for holidays, my parents would get him the same thing that they got their own grandkids. But I didn't expect that and it wouldn't have bothered me if they had given him less - he's not their grandchild.
DH's parents both favored
DH's parents both favored Spawn over our two, I figured it was their loss. Now they have ZERO relationship with any of their grandchildren. Being short sighted does have its consequences.
Yeah I'm wondering if when SD
Yeah I'm wondering if when SD gets older and probably wont see her as much or will lose interest in wanting grandmas attention if she will try to turn to the younger kids since it's a fairly large age gap and they will still be younger.
Not clear what you are saying
Many GPs will regard stepgrandkids differently. But if these are all DHs kids, GM may still have a favorite. You can insist that all Xmas and Bday gifts be somewhat fair (but for kids under 2, they may get small $$ presents).
One is a step, but he regards
One is a step, but he regards them as his grandparents in this situation. MIL clearly doesn't feel the same, which is fine but she could make it a little less obvious knowing that he feels that way. The other 2 are her bios. Gifts is part of it, but its also only wanting SD at their house or one time it was only wanting SD to come over to SILs house and then getting angry when DH asked what he was supposed to do with the other kids then. Also the manner in which she speaks to them and the obvious enthusiasm for SD and making it seem like the others are a chore basically or a burden just for being there even though they arent doing anything and we've never even asked her to watch them.
She may be thinking that you dont like the SD
And she has to do more for her
Maybe. But DH said she was
Maybe. But DH said she was super enthusiastic with SD before I was around even and he was kind of shocked and disappointed because he was expecting the same reaction for his second baby and the first grandson
My MIL favors Skids. She
My MIL favors Skids. She doesn't count our BDs as her grandkids. She says she doesn't have time or energy for anymore grandkids. Truthfully, she is punishing the kids because she blames me for a blowout she had with DH before our first BD was born. My DH hasn't spoken to her since she said these things. He told her to accept all of us or none of us. As a result, she has no relationship with BDs and only sees SDs when BM allows in, which isn't often.
I do think in a way she may
I do think in a way she may be taking out on our kids that I took her son away from her. Since he wasnt married to BM and was really young it was different and he hadnt really moved on from his family of origin to establishing a new family.
You have to disengage from MIL
your DH has to put her in her place. What goes on between BM and MIL you will never have control over. Once the money stops BM will have no used for MIL
BM isnt involved with MIL at
BM isnt involved with MIL at all. And there isnt any CS.
Bio grandkids should be
Bio grandkids should be treated equally.. family has no obligation to treat non-bio kids as equal to the bio kids in your home..
Even then.. there are shades of equal. It can be possible for older kids to appear favored because the grandparent is able to do more with an older kids vs the younger one that may require more energy to watch. It doesn't matter that they were spending more time with the older child "at that same age".. because the grandparents also have gotten older. It may have not been hard to run after a 2 yo 6 years ago.. but now.. they are fine with the 8 yo .. but aren't up to caring for the new 2 yo.
It seems unfair.. but your bio kids (not related to your husband).. need to understand that how that it's not personal.. but more of a biological line that is being drawn.. the fact that YOUR family is more generous..well.. I might be making more of an effort to cultivate that relationship with all the kids.
2 of my bios are DHs. I get
2 of my bios are DHs. I get the differences in age being a factor to an extent. But i don't get the overall attitude that the other kids are like pesky mosquitos that she unfortunately has to deal with at times in order to see SD. I mean the younger 2 are 18 months and 3 months ffs. She gets mad that they don't appear to like her enough or act like normal babies that cry when they need something or dont feel good and takes it as a personal offense. If it's that bad just dont come to our house or dont invite us over. This last time we just sent SD to their house with her aunt and they didnt have to deal with any of the rest of us, so maybe that's the way to go.