Dumped and discarded for not being able to "mother" full time

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I have been with my SO for nearly 4 years. Yes four years. Four years of my life has revolved around him and his two kids (7 and 11) .When I was not at work I spent all of my free time with them. I am childfree and have a successful career that I enjoy and I do well financially however I do work a lot of hours (sometimes on the weekends) and that is something that has always bothered him. He has always wanted me home more with his kids, helping him with them in the mornings and on the weekends etc. He has them nearly full time. BM is actively involved in their life however she has addiction and mental health issues even though she is capable of working and she sees them regularly, she does not want to have her kids full time. She sees them 2-3 times a week for a few hours here and there but rarely takes them on her own because of this. They live with him. I understand he needs someone to help him out but I also do not believe it should be put on me because of my work and they are also not my children. I have tried to help when I can and I am not working but he has resented me for not being there for him more. But to me my work comes first. If they were my kids, different story, but they are not. ( I did not tell him that and I help him when I can). He also has a bad temper and I never know what will set it off (not physical, just verbal, yelling, name calling, threatening to break up, etc). It usually is a reaction to me bringing up his child's behavior or me expressing my needs. For example once his daughter was in front of me and let a car door shut in my face resulting in me dropping everything. I mentioned it and he yelled at me saying "do you think she did it on purpose?" and owuld not talk to me for hours afterwards. I care about his kids a lot and there are definitely times I enjoy being around them however there are also times they act entitled and can be annoyng. I would like them to do well in life, be happy and succeed. I do not have any ill feelings towards them even if they are disrespectful towards me at times. Anyways I am very hurt and broken hearted because I was dumped recently and told I was not cut out to be a mom full time. He said I was good with his kids but was not capable of doing it full time. This came after a big fight we had while we were out of town on a trip with his family. (his kids were not well behaved on that trip and neither was he lol so I disengaged) He did not liek that I disengaged but this was only after him yelling at me for not helping him enough with the packing and with his kids which resulted in him showing up late. His mother chimmed in and agreed with him that I should've helped him more even though I worked late the night before and no one helped me with ziltch, in fact I had to make my own way to the lake because there was not enough room in his car and I arrived before they did. His daughter is also not sleeping well and gets up at 5am every morning then has a melt down in the afternoon because of it. He was angry that I did not get up with her after working late. I am very hurt that he would end a relationship of over four years when Ihave been good to his kids. I just have not been there full time for them because of my work but I don't kow how much of that is my responsbility. Another issue is BM that has plagued our relationship. She is apparently uncapable of taking her kids, even part time, yet she takes them to her parents and to the lake every sunday all day and will stop by and take them to dinner twice a week and will come by his place and pick them up and chit chat. She has a full time career as well yet she does not want her kids even part time. She never takes them for more than a few hours here and there and it is very annoying yet BM can do no wrong, according to him, even though she has no accepted responsbility for her kids in my opinion and is willing to put it on someone else. It has created resented on my end that I could not live up to these expectations when I tried very hard to and was really good to his kids I just refused to quit my career and revolved my entire lively hood around them. Maybe I am selfish and deserved to be broken up with? I would watch his kids when I had time off and take them places without expecting reimbursement yet he still was not happy with this. I am very hurt and heartbroken as I love this man and am extremely empty now. He will no longer allow me to see his kids either now that we are not together and he dumped me. He acted like I had cheated on him or was abusive to his kids or something horrible. I am not perfect but I do not think I deserved that.

He sounds pretty cruel.

It would be devastating. Some people still believe a woman's first duty is to kids even if not hers. Looks like he was looking for a replacement mom and not a wife. Single fathers are a big gamble. Do they love you for yourself or for the help you bring? I think you learned the answer and I feel for you. Please take care of yourself. Remember when you are ready you are quite a catch.

I now realize what his

I now realize what his motives were. In the end I did not feel valued for me, but for what I could provide him and his kids with so I backed away and he blew up.

You Didn't Deserve It...

... but I'm proud of you for all the good you did for those kids for 4 years, and for now seeing how it's 100% unreasonable for your ex to have demanded you abandon Who You Are to submit to his definition of who & how HE thought you "Should Be.".

He never deserved you, and I'm glad that sick relationship is over for you. Tragic the kids are stuck in that situ, but it's not your circus, not your monkeys.

OP, could you please edit

OP, could you please edit your post to add paragraphs? I know it feels wonderful to get all the frustrations out "on paper", but a wall of words is very difficult to read.

Sorry i will next time. I did

Sorry i will next time. I did not think about it.

No Worries.

I did exactly the same thing with my first blog post.

You can go back and edit this

You can go back and edit this one - there is an "edit" tab.

Honestly, it sounds like you

Honestly, it sounds like you should have broken up with him. He sounds like a jerk. Please understand, he broke up with you because you wouldn't allow him to use you for free babysitting and maid service. He wanted you to give up your career so you would be more dependant on him, thus allowing him more control over you.

Be glad this abusive relationship is over. You deserve so much more than to be treated like he was treating you.

Thank you. I felt as if no

Thank you. I felt as if no matter how hard I tried I was never doing enough so I just quit trying as hard. Maybe that is my fault in the end. Why would you say it was abusive? I am no disagreeing just curious as to what your thougths are on this. I also thought it was odd whenever we had problems he would call his mother and talk to her about me. Very strange for a man his age that he cannot come to his signifcant other with our issues and attempt to resolve them, he had to run to his mom instead and talk behind my back.

"He also has a bad temper and

"He also has a bad temper and I never know what will set it off (not physical, just verbal, yelling, name calling, threatening to break up, etc)."

This is abusive behavior. And just because he is not physical now, does not mean that it will not evolve to get there...trust me on that one.

my best advice to you is to read this

https://markmanson.net/love IT greatly applies to you and your relationship in my opinion and you are lucky he dumped you so you can move on and find someone else or no one at all. You are better off either way.

Be glad you are rid of this

Be glad you are rid of this abusive jerk. He broke up with you like he was firing an employee, "You aren't cut out to be a mom full-time, I'll have to let you go".

He yells, calls you names, gives you the silent treatment, and expects you to parent children that have a mother. Too bad if he wants help, that's not your responsibility. Lots of people raise children on their own, he just doesn't want to. I don't get these men, why can't they raise their own damn kids?!

Find a good therapist and figure out why you put up with this crap for 4 years. You deserve better.

Loneliness. Issues with an

Loneliness and issues with an abusive parent myself. Also where I live the dating pool is limited. I don't understand people who have kids with the wrong people and leave them but then they don't want to raise their own kids, at least not by themselves so they want to put the responsibility on someone else and involve other people. It seems very selfish and entitled.

"It seems very selfish and

"It seems very selfish and entitled."

Because it IS.

It is selfish and entitled.

Being alone would be better than this - can you find a therapist to help with your abusive past and your sense of self-worth?

Working on it. I have seen a

Working on it. I have seen a therapist in the past but it has been awhile. I think it’s a good idea to revisit some of these issues.

Sorry to hear that

Sorry to hear that megansteppedout! I was dumped last week too because I wouldnt put up with him having a close personal and private, secret relationship with his ex-wife. He wanted to keep her in his back pocket I believe and Im not ok with being another woman in my SO's life.

I know how you're feeling because Im right there with you. I dont have any other advice since I agree with you in that you shouldnt be required to take on kids that arent yours. It's one thing to provide adult guidance or to do things if and when you want, but to have that expectation just because you chose to date someone with kids is so not right.

I will never understand these men, no matter how many times someone tries to explain it to me, it just doesnt make sense. Its fine to have expectations of what a man wants out of a relationship, but to wait years and years (I'm at 6!!) to figure it out, waste someone elses time and then break your heart is just completely wrong!

I wish you the best of luck and just know that you're not alone. I think we're both better off now, as hard as it is. Huggss!

I am sorry your are going

I am sorry your are going thru this as I know how much it hurts. You did not deserve it. Please believe that.

Best thing that ever happen to you.

You May not see it this way now. But give it time. He wants you bare foot, and pregnant. So you need to be dependent him and his kids to live. Place to live food to eat. You don’t want that you want a career and be a independent person.

There are other man out there that will be happy to be with you. And treat you as you should be. An equal. Not a maid cook and babysitter.

Best of luck. Today is the first day of your new life

A bad temper...talking about

A bad temper...talking about you behind your back to his mom...wanting fulltime help with his kids. He sounds like a total jerk. At least he's told you loud and clear that you haven't met his expectations of a live-in nanny - so go and find someone who deserves you.

Yes, it's a story that is ALL

Yes, it's a story that is ALL too familiar, if you catch my drift.

Gosh she is so right

I lived with a man (actually he lived with me) for three years in my early to mid twenties. He was a narc and left me. I just now 20 years later got a facebook messenger message from him apologizing. I don't need the apology. I wanted it desparately 20 years ago . Honestly the only reason he contacted me was someone told him how much money I make now.

Dear gawd

What did he say after 20 years? It's amazing how some people don't get the pains they caused until decades later. What did you say to him?

"Maybe I am selfish and

"Maybe I am selfish and deserved to be broken up with?" Are you serious? The fault is 100% with this narcissistic Disney Dad pos. They will use and use and use you until there is nothing left. It hurts now but take some time and concentrate on you and your needs because God knows he never will. Narcissists are not capable of true romantic love, do not take it personally. You need validation and closure and you have it here, he is simply not capable of taking blame or prioritizing you (or anyone) or validating your feelings because it is all about them. Be happy because you dodged a bullet by not sacrificing your life for them and finding yourself trapped in hell. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Of course

He wanted you to do everything for him and his kids, forgetting the fact, they arent your kids. He did you a big favor. He just wants someone he can use. Fact is, who wants to date a man with two kids who is also mean on top of that? Not talking to you for hours cause he thinks you're wrong for calling his kid out... ugh.

I Can See How You Would Feel Sad, But In Reality, He Really

helped you! Him exiting from your life, with all his dysfunction (ex, himself, kids, his parents etc.) is a blessing in disguise. Thank your lucky stars. This man only wanted a babysitter for his kids that even THEIR mother doesn't want to be around.

You will get your footing again, and find yourself.

Please block him from your life, and do not even think about re-engaging with him, even when he tells you how much he misses you and loves you. It will just be more of the same, or worse. You may end up pregnant and tied to this fool forever.

You seem like a very sincere hard working lady who has no baggage. You are in high demand, trust me! Leave him in your rearview mirror.

110% this right here!!! ^^^^^

110% this right here!!! ^^^^^^

Please, please, please do not

Please, please, please do not EVER entertain the idea of getting back with him. He's never going to change but he IS going to try to convince you that he has. He's also likely to try and love bomb you to wheedle his way back into your life. Do not allow this. Block him on your phone, social media and anywhere else you can. Avoid him like the plague he is. Enjoy your newfound freedom away from the drudgery and abuse that was your life for four years.

You deserve so much better than this.

A lucky escape!

This guy is clearly a narcissistic psychopath who wants things done his way, to his benefit. He doesn’t want to be challenged and his only way to deal with things which upset him is to blow up.

Exactly *what* was he contributing to this relationship that was so special?

Trust me, it’s going to hurt for now, but give it a few weeks and you’ll never look back! You deserve much, much more, and I think he knows that. And I think you know it too, so eat some ice cream, rearrange your home to signify a new beginning, Sage the place and play your fav movies loudly in the background to keep your mind on things you enjoy. Congratulations, you just got YOUR life back! ❤️

Thank you everyone. I believe

Thank you everyone. I believe what hurts the most is that I was abandoned and discarded after being together for so long and getting to know his kids. I was blamed for the relationship not advancig yet in order for it ot advance I would

-have to completely ignore the problems and deal with his temper and rejection whenever I tried to discuss any issues

-deal with his exes invasiveness and the lack of parenting on her part

-his mother's lack of respect for our relationship

-the total lack of compromise on his part if the relaitonship had advanced.

He's a total A$$ for cutting

He's a total A$$ for cutting you out of the kids lives. Just so you know no one who truly cares about their kids would do that.

Megan--I am sorry that your

Megan--I am sorry that your hurting. Feeling 'feelings" of hurt, sadness, angry and yes even some joy IS a vital part of moving forward.

It is my hope that someday soon, that you will realize he actually gave YOU the a huge gift. If I can suggest,,,move forward. Do not try to have a relationship with him or his kids. Clean break is needed.

Do not look back ok?

Good Luck

He sounds familiar

Your ex sounds like my current fiancé. My SO also has a temper and will not acknowledge his child’s rude behavior and then get angry with me if I question it. Plus, I can never express my needs in the relationship. It makes me feel terrible.

You sound like a strong woman. I wish you all the best.

I'm not sure how you deal

I'm not sure how you deal with that. I went through something similar. I managed to make it work for several years due to me ignoring it and putting up with his temper and his child's non addressed behaviors but eventually I couldn't take it anymore. It really affected my self esteem and self worth in the long run. I also became depressed. It took me not being afraid to be alone anymore in order to leave. I am so much happier now that is over.

Take care of you.