I feel like I am sinking in this relationship
I have been with my SO for nearly three years. He has two children (7 and 10). I am childless and 35. I feel like I am sinking in this relationship for a a few reasons. They are as listed
- I enjoy travelling. Since we have been together I have stopped doing what I love (travelling) because he cannot afford to go with me and he also feels bad for not taking his kids. The few times we have gone places it has been limited and I have helped pay his way however I cannot afford to keep doing this so I have quit going. I did go on one trip without him to attend my cousins wedding in which he made me feel bad because him and his kids could not go (even though I invited them).
-I enjoy my career and do well financially however I work odd hours at times and sometimes weekends and evenings. My SO does not care for this and says if we have a life together he would like it if I would find a job where I do not work weekends nor evenings. I do not think this is fair because I really enjoy my career and make a very good living doing so. I have thought to myself many times that if those were my kids I would consider a career change but they are not so I do not think it is fair to me that I make that sacrifice of something I love doing for children that are not my own (yes I feel guilty about feeling this way and I do care about his kids but they are not my kids and they have two bio parents, grandparents and many aunts and uncles who are very actively involved in their lives and I very much enjoy my what I do for a living).
-My SO's mother is overly involved in his life and is a constant daily presence. MIL, although she is nice to me and goes out of her way to get to know me, will often hint that I am not cut out to be a mother because I am too career focused and I should feel like those kids are my kids too and it should not matter that they are my stepkids. My SO will also repeat his mothers concerns and rheotoric.
-I care very much for his kids and want only good things for them however love is a strong word. I sometimes find their behaviors really irritating (interrupting, not using utensils at meals, not cleaning up after themselves). They also are entitled and make a lot of decisions that adults should be making (where we eat, what we eat, what to buy at the store, what we watch on tv, etc) and if they do not get their way there is always underlying whining. My SO will also allow them to stay home from school for a "stress free" or "mental health day" and stay up and watch tv in his room late if they cannot sleep. I do not like this and when I discuss it with him he accuses me of not being motherly.
-He is quick to cut me out of his kids lives if we are not getting along. If we have an argument or disagreement over anything he is done with me and will cut me out of him and his kids lives instantly for weeks at a time sometimes. This feels horrible and has given me no sense of security in the relationship whatsoever. Ironically the reason we argue is because he is dismissive of any concerns I have and will blow up at me over things couples should talk about (parenting, the exes boundaries, his mother, etc). This leads to him cutting me out of his life and his kids lives. And sometimes it has been because his kids were rude to me and he did nothing about it so I brought it up which leads him to blowing up at me.
-Sometimes I doubt myself as a parent and believe I am not motherly material. He has even told me I'm good at being a mother sometimes but only some of the time (he has said the same thing about his ex wife, their mother). He also has accused me of being a narcissist (he also accused his ex wife of being a narcissist). Odd.
-Anytime we have issues he is on the phone with his mother telling her all about our problems. I feel this is odd behavior for a 38 year old man. He also did this when him and his ex wife were having problems.
Anyone have any advice?
I would also like the add
I would also like the add that something I love about him is that he is a great dad and does so many things for his kids. I think this is a big part of what attracted me to him. However I do not believe he understands what it is like to be in a step parent role and I feel it is necessary for me to step back and let him have his time with his kids (otherwise jealousy becomes an issue). I do not like it when he turns things on me and makes it my fault, saying I am not doing enough or being involved enough, when as a step parent I believe I am doing my best considering the situation. I feel he just does not understand this and when his kids act up everything is my fault.
There are so many red flags
There are so many red flags here...
Honestly, I think you have the right attitude. You are not these children's mother and never will be (and his mother can go and suck lemons). You are not overstepping - that is admirable. The trouble is he's looking for a mother for his children, not a partner. But you already know that, don't you?
You love your job and don't want to leave it. Then don't . How many of us can say we truly love our jobs? Not many, I bet.
Stop letting him guilt you into being more involved with his kids. They are his kids, not yours and you have no obligation towards them. Plus, I bet you've already been told you have no right to correct them or discipline them, right?
You've already given up part of your pleasures in life, travelling, don't let them take any more away from you. You are young, ambitious, and have no baggage. Go and enjoy life while you have the opportunity. If he doesn't like it he can lump it. Really, I don't think this guy is a good fit for you. You are free and can live as you please - he sounds as if he wants to clip your wings and control you.
P.S.
Why did he divorce? Bet he said his ex was cheating ... If he does, look a bit further for the truth.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I was told by him that he and his ex wife divorced because they were "better off now as friends than they were as lovers" whatever that means. They were not sleeping in the same room and fought constantly towards the end of the marriage, when their youngest was only a year old. I heard from the neighbors there were screaming matches before they seperated. Also he will go away without them but not for longer than 2-3 days and during that time he is overwhelmed with guilt that he cannot relax and enjoy himself. He also does not have the money to travel because he has two kids which I understand, however I find myself footing more of the bill than I normally would in any other relationship. There are times when I have covered his way because if I don't I hear about him worrying about his credit card bill everytime we go somewhere. I'd rather not hear about it. His reaction to any disagreement we have is to get angry, blow up at me, tell me to leave then shut me out. Once we were at his mothers house and he did this during a holiday. It was just me, his mother and his kids. No one would speak to me except his mother which I found to be extremely isolating and awkward. Him nor his kids would talk to me. This was all over an argument where he blew up at me after his youngest allowed a door to slam in my face and look at me when I was carrying several pans of food. No thought of holding the door whatsoever. He blew up at me and defended his son in fornt of him and yelled "you think he did that on purpose!!!!" then would no longer speak to me and of course his kids wouldnt either because they felt the loyalty ties. The kids went from being my friends to not talkign to me in a second due to his actions.
OK, now tell me, what are the
OK, now tell me, what are the good points in this relationship? What makes you stay? And most importantly, where do you see yourself in ten years time? Strides ahead in your career, going where you want, living life to the full, or stuck in the role of little woman at home, being his unpaid cook and maid, walking on eggshells all the time and being disrespected by all and sunder? Which will it be?
When things are good they are
When things are good they are good but that is mostly when we are alone, without his kids. He has many good qualities and has tried hard to make this work. He is very thoughtful, surprises me with cards, flowers and coffee when his kids are not around. Just being with him in bed, watching tv and talking is my favorite time of day. It is not that things are always bad when the kids are around, but even when things are good when the kids are around, it can be very exhausting. I think what makes things not so great are what was previously mentioned, when the kids, mother, etc come into play and it is not handled maturely. You said I was young but the funny thing is one time he was mad at me he kept insinuating that because of my age I should want to settle down and quit wanting to be so independent. He does not like that I like to travel, see friends etc and od thigns on my own.(he was mad at me for not wanting to go to the lake with his mother and kids again which was a horrible experience the year before due to his daughters tantrum throwing and his son's lack of need for sleep and I wanted to go away for the weekend with my best friend but ended up not going with her because of him guilting me). He acted like I was getting older and should want more of a family life and less of an independent life and sort of mocked me for it. But he can be very sweet, thoughtful, loyal and nice when things are going well. He isnt all bad but I just dont think I can make him happy. Ten years from now careerwise I see myself doing what I am doing still which I love. I used to see myself married to him and his kids grown into teenagers about to leave the house but I no longer see this. Things have been so difficult lately and I feel so isolated as if I have lost my sense of who I am. I also do not feel good about myself sometimes.
It seems to me that both he
It seems to me that both he and his mother are very good at telling you what you "should" be and "should" want ... Please disregard both. The only person who knows who you should be and what you should want is you. I suspect that you feel the way you do right now because you have made sacrifices for them but none have been made for you. You are trying to force yourself into a role that doesn't fit. It's unnatural for you. When you start to lose your sense of who you are it's time to change things.
You haven't mentioned anything about children. Do you want your own child(ren) some day?
You say he's great when things are going well ... I tend to think that the proof of a good partner is how he behaves when things are going badly. It's easy to be nice when life is running smoothly.
I do not have children and I
I do not have children and I'm torn about having them. I like children and enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews and my friends kids. The more I think about it I do not think I want my children of my own, mainly because I enjoy working and travelling so much that I think it would be unfair to do so. There are times when I do get baby fever but it passes when the reality of life hits. I enjoy my freedoms very much. I do enjoy spending time with his kids but it always seems to become not enjoyable when they become disrespectful and little is done about it. I just have to ignore. This wears me out. I also do not feel like they are my kids because I get little say so in how they are raised. When they act entitled, which is often, (my nieces and nephews do not act this way and neither do my friends kids) it rubs me the wrong way. I was told by our therapist that I was just not used to being around kids full time and that I was uncomfortable with his anger because my parents rarely yelled at one another. I don't necessarily want my life to be living in a household where our kids are disrespectful and entitled. For example I don't think because a child cannot sleep he/she should be comfortable coming into our bedroom and watching whatever tv he/she likes when this is our only alone time. I don't like this. I also dont want a life where my husband yells at me and shuts me out over things couples should discuss. Thank you for your feedback btw. It is helping me gain some much needed clarity.
Honestly? Your relationship sounds
Exhausting and miserable. If everyone above hasn’t convinced you:
- The cards, little gifts bits of romance followed by guilt, ostracizing/silent treatment? Classic narcissist behavior. The good stuff is the love bombing followed by the attempts to control you/keep you from having your own free thoughts.
Kids who are feral, but dad wants to always be with them? He sure isn’t raising them to be properly socialized. This is another huge warning sign that you have not picked a winning ticket here.
you sound like such a smart, caring, hard working and successful woman. Take a huge step back from this relationship. If watching TV cuddled up on the weekends is the best you’ve got here, a shelter will have many animals that will be happy to do that while you care for them and pay their way. As a bonus, you will get love with no strings attached, and the pet won’t bring around intruding obnoxious family.
But this guy can’t even take care of himself, is trying to get you to quit a successful job to apparently live in poverty while taking care of him and his obnoxious kids.
FYI - not all men with two kids are broke and willing to sponge off someone else. My SO has 3 kids. I’ve never paid to take him or his kids on a trip or paid his way for anything.
You deserve better.
A whole lof of red flags,
A whole lof of red flags, that should NOT be ignored.
something I love about him is that he is a great dad and does so many things for his kids.
Being a great dad, does not mean he is a great partner.
He is not a great dad if he
He is not a great dad if he is not teaching his kids the things he should be!
It doesn't sound to me like
It doesn't sound to me like you and your SO are really compatible. You're unable to do what you enjoy (travel) with him, and he wants you to give up a lucrative job you enjoy (making travel even less likely). He has unrealistic expectations of a stepmother and does not prioritize the adult relationship. I won't even get into the enmeshment with his mother.
It seems like you're the one who will need to make the sacrifices in this relationship - that's often the expectation of the partner with kids. This may well lead to resentment. If he's not willing to discuss changes, and prioritizing you and your desires, you might want to think about cutting your losses.
I 100% agree with this!
I 100% agree with this!
I think you love the idea of being in a committed relationship more than you love this man. Honestly, it doesn't sound at all like you have very much in common. Additionally, he sounds controlling or wants to be, you haven't let him be yet. I say yet, because he keeps bringing these same things up...he is trying to wear you down. Honestly, he sounds very abusive (unless he is getting his way).
In my opinion, I think you should end this relationship and find someone that is more compatible with your present and future goals (and not abusive).
First, and don't take this as
First, and don't take this as victim shaming, but you are allowing him to do these things based on your reactions to his behavior. You're leading him to believe that he's not bringing baggage into your relationship. Stop. Stop contributing. Stop letting him think that he's the king of your emotions. He found what works on you, and he's using it every time he doesn't get exactly what he wants.
If I were you, at 35 with no children (which is fine, people aren't obligated to have children) - I would at least threaten the possibility that you would go on a date with a childless man. YOU HAVE VALUE - more so than any woman at 35. You have a lucrative career, and you bring no baggage into relationships.
If he thinks he can do better with runts running about, allow him to try. (He won't, and he'll come crawling back in no time at all.)
Seriously, what do you have to lose? A man that doesn't respect you at all, children who aren't yours, and a financial obligation that you shouldn't have anyway.
Summary - he’s a selfish
Summary - he’s a selfish asshole.
You will have a much better life without him.
I can tell you that whatever
I can tell you that whatever annoyances you have now will only be magnified multiple times should you decide to get married. Like you, I have always enjoyed traveling. Unfortunately i never get time with my spouse as she too will not go w/o SK15. I gave up on that because I cannot stand being stuck in a car or hotel room with Skid. Not what I consider a vacation.
The MIL situation will likely be a continuing issue which gets worse over time. When I got married my spouse felt my parents were too involved in mine and my sons life and the result left me isolated from both my parents and my spouse.
I am sure some people are able to work through issues but as you can read from this forum you need to think long and hard about committing long term to a relationship which already is showing issues with Skids and in-laws. I hope things work out for you whichever way you decide.
Welp...
I don't have much more to add. I pretty much agree with what everyone else said.
Suggestion - take a trip, just yourself, and use the time to reassess your life with this man. Nothing about this situation indicates that it will get any better.
The biggest red flag in this
The biggest red flag in this post is that he cuts you off for weeks if you don't do what he wants. This is textbook narcissism - he wants you to feel exactly how it makes you feel, which is incredibly abusive and alarming. He wants you to beg him to get back together. It makes my skin crawl that he does that to you.
All the other stuff is routine stepparent stuff, but the instant cut-offs are a very dangerous sign.
Please don't stay with this man.
Thank you. He actually would
Thank you. He actually would blame me for cutting him off and disconnecting which I did but only after I was yelled at, berated and told to leave. What he failed to see was I disconnected after I was either yelled at or told to leave or both and was hurt then he would not appologize nor see where he went wrong, how he hurt me and then faulted me for leaving and not contacting him. Maybe that is my own lack of maturity for disconnecting from him afterwards but I did not know what else to do. I did not want to argue with him and my instinct told me to leave and get some space. I also felt it was not fair for me to do the appologizing just for bringing up his kids behaviors, which were not good.
He's gaslighting you. Making
He's gaslighting you. Making you think it's all your fault. He abuses and berates you and then blames you for his actions.
Please, please get some therapy to see why you don't feel this is a huge red flag. A partner could do that to me exactly ONCE before I called it quits.
I did go on one trip without
I did go on one trip without him to attend my cousins wedding in which he made me feel bad
I stopped reading at this point. No decent, loving, respectable person would make you feel bad for attending your cousin's wedding. He is 110% being an asshat.
Others have beautifully pointed out and expounded on all of the reasons why this relationship is NOT good and he is NOT a good father/partner.
There are plenty of GOOD men out there. Please love yourself more, dump this toxic 'man', and move on.
Your sinking
And I think that after your post you are now THINKING. Sometimes we get so far along a road, we lose sight of our goals.
My best advice to you is the following:
1. Do NOT quit the job you love, that supports you well. Quit the relationship.
2. It is NOT ok, to blast you at every turn. Its NOT healthy to shut your partner out. Discuss with him the reasons that you are leaving, but simply leave and do not look back.
3. Book a REALLY long and AWESOME vacation for yourself, and take that time to reflect on what in you was ok with what you are experiencing.
When things are good they are
When things are good they are good but that is mostly when we are alone, without his kids.
Even if this is the case his kids will always be a part of his life and the abusive, disrespectful way he treats you will only increase. So for the most part you already know when the kids are around it will not be ok. Is this the way you want to continue to live your life with him?
It sounds like the only woman
It sounds like the only woman who will ever be good enough for him is mommy.
I was going to say he's a big
I was going to say he's an A$$, doesn't know how to parent his kids and he's mama's boy. He is not marriage material.