STEP CHILD Vs STEP PARENT
I have always complained about the hardship and challenges that come with being a step mom then one day I asked myself if i could choose would i choose to be a step child or a step parent and after much thought my answer was I would choose to be a step parent and here are my reasons why:
- A step parent often becomes one by choice and a step child becomes one by force
- A step parent comes into a home that is established before her existance yet she comes and takes over the home, sets new rules and expectations and the step child has to accept having a stranger they didn't choose to have in their life controlling them, setting rules for them, discipling them, influencing their lives and taking over the home that was his first.
- A step parent comes with power and authority in the house and a step child is powerless
- A step parent is old enough to understand some things and she is mature but a step child is young, confused and fragile
- A step parent is building a home and a family where as the step child is left with an eternal broken home, the split of his parents may have took away his safety, security, peace, confidence and self esteem and values. He has to move between two homes as he can never have both his parent's under the same roof but the step parent has a complete family under one roof.
- A step child may feel like an outsider, out of place, left out and even jealous especially if the bio parent has a child with the step parent and if both bio parents remarry then he becomes a step child in both homes and may end up feeling alone and like he doesn't belong anywhere.
- The step child has to watch the step parent and their half sibling take much of his bio parent's time, attention and finances
- It is hard for the step child to watch his bio parent loving someone other than their other parent, a child naturally wants to see his parents loving each other and not other people.
- The only advantage they have over the step parent is that they don't have to take responsibility of the step parent, they don 't have to labour for them, have trouble grooming and discipling them or meeting unrealistic expectations set by the society
- And so the major disadvantage of being the step parent is having to take responsibility of the step child, too many obligations and unrealistic expectations. I hate it when my husband demands that i do things for his child, things that I'm not okay with doing for him. I hate it when he expects me to treat his child like i do my bio child, that's unfair to both me and my bio child because the step child does have his bio mom and he also won't treat me as he treats his bio mom so its square.
Blended family's are not only hard for the step parents but for the step kids as well. Although the truth is we knowingly marry people with kids we never really know what we are getting ourselves into, imagining and experiencing are way too different, we never know how emotionally challenging its going to be or how your step child will behave or what problems they will cause or how misunderstanding and judgemental your DH will be especially when it comes to disciplining his child. I think what makes step parenting so hard is not directly the kids because they are kids and can be controlled i think it's the bio parents and the society's scrutinisation and unrealistic expectations.
Accepting the child of an ex is also emotionally challenging, we often don't want our partner's having anything to do with their ex's but when they share a child, something so significant and eternally bonding emotions can get high. The child's existance becomes the only reason why the ex has to be forever a part of your marriage and the step child is a living reminder of your spouse's relationship with another woman. Women also tend to hate anything that came before them and the fact that the relationship your husband has with your step child you are not a part of it, the relation is not mutual, the step child may be the only thing that your husband doesn't share with you but with another woman. These things may not bother your or come to mind at the time you are dating because by them you never get to see the child much, you don't live with him so it's easy to forget they exist and you never have any obligations or expectations towards them.
That being said I really do feel sorry for my step child but i'm not the one who broke his family and made him a step child that's all on his parents. I really wish i could love him to make my husband happy but i DONT, he is not the worst kid and Ive helped groom him to be a disciplined, responsible and independent skilled child. He lacked proper parenting and firm discipline that is why we had problems in the beginning but now he is all responsible and useful. There is a time i once loved him and he broke my trust and my heart, he reminded me that he does have a mother and its not me by telling dirty lies about me to ruin my image and sabotage my marriage and he went on to gossip about me to his mom and fed her private details of our home. After everything i had done for him that his own parents never even cared to, after how nice and kind i was to him, that didn't matter to him he still went on to treat me like his enemy i forgave him and gave him a second chance but he did it again and again until i got the memo that he will never change and i can never trust in his loyalty, support, confidentiality, intentions, feelings or mind and without trust there can never be a good relationship. That's when i said to myself to protect my heart I shouldn't get attached to him or try to be his mom because, I'm not his mom he already has a mom with whom his loyalty support and love lies. I realised investing your sweat, time, labour or money in another woman's child is not rewarding and not worth it if all you will get is a knife at your back.
At least your bio child will reward you with his loyalty, support and unconditional love. So i decided i will give my all to my own child and nothing to the step child, i will leave his bio parents to it, he is not an orphan.
I think being a step mom is the most challenging, difficult and unrewarding job ever. Being expected to play mother to a child you didn't choose is not fair especially if the child wont even treat you like his mother, it's what causes pressure and too many expectations which ends up building resentment.
I think being a step parent would be easier if you would be expected to take the distant aunty role instead of the mother role, that way you'd have less obligations, responsibilities and expectations towards the child. No one will judge you for what you did or didnt do for the child. You can freely do only what you are comfortable with doing for him and you won't be expected to have a mother child lovey dovey relationship..
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Comments
I agree it must be difficult
I agree it must be difficult for stepkids, although some stepkids in a home can have more influence than a step parent.
I agree that it is harder for
I agree that it is harder for SKs. Considering the number of SMs that stay in bad marriages to keep their bios in an intact home, I'm willing to say most SMs recognize that step situations are harder on kids than adults.
Some of your points are off though
Not all stepparents come into having authority in their own home.
so daddy or mummy has another child with stepparent, its no different to the bio parents having more kids together. Saying that finances are being taken away (ooops reality meaning future inheritance being taken away).
I agree... Step parenting is
I agree... Step parenting is HARD.. but it is also a CHOICE. We can choose to be in the relationship. We can choose what we do in the home. It's our perogative to "lump it or leave it".
This is the basis of my issue with the SP's on the site who, for the most part, have what appear to be fairly normal stepkids that just hate the very presence in the home. at all. and resent every resource that goes to the child. I'm not saying that as stepparents we always knew what we were getting into, but on some level, we do know that our partners have a child and that child will undoubtedly have SOME impact on our homes and our lives. To the extent and all the negative fallout? perhaps not.. but every person on this earth has good and bad qualities and have bad days in their life... it's ridiculous to assume that other human beings are always going to behave perfectly and stay narrowly and maturely in their lane.
As adults, I would hope that we have developed the capacity for empathy and understand that sometimes our own attitudes and actions can make things worse than they are. We also sometimes have to realize that we may need to be the adult and exit a situation that we know is intolerable for us instead of making EVERYONE miserable by staying.
That being said, we also are humans with our own expectations and needs (selfish or not).. and that we do deserve the support and respect in our homes that in many situations on this board, are sorely lacking.
First of all, what kid has a
First of all, what kid has a choice in their family of origin? None of them. It’s already a tough enough gig to be in a blended family, I don’t see the benefit of trying to judge ‘who has it hardest’. It’s not a competition. So many of us are already feeling pit against their stepkids by their partners, society, in laws, friends, their own families... do we really need to debate who has it harder? It’s not an easy thing for anyone to go through...
A lot of these points are assumptions as well. Does *every* stepkid wish their parents were together? No. Does *every* stepparent have automatic authority in the home? Helllllllls no. Is *every* stepkid young & fragile? No. Does the stepparent ever feel like the outsider in the new dynamic? Often times, yes.
Its so easy to victimize kids of divorce, we need less of that, not more. My skids are incredibly fortunate little boys, they DO NOT need anyone to feel sorry for them. They’ve got a better relationship with my husband now than they did when DH was with BM. I’ve had countless people tell me how much happier DH is, how much easier he is to be around. Instead of trying to get away from his family life, he engages with his sons. Those boys are so incredibly loved, supported, and frankly, spoiled lol. There is no need to victimize or feel sorry for them just because mommee & daddee aren’t together anymore, and I don’t need to be pit against them in a competition to see ‘who has it worse’.
As SP’s, yes we did choose this for ourselves, but WE aren’t the people who broke the family. So why is it a comparison between SK’s & SP’s? That doesn’t even make sense. We didn’t cause the divide, so why is it our responsibility to try and fix it? Or cater to ‘poor COD’s’? Or feel guilty for falling in love with their BP and being another adult in their lives? This comparison doesn’t help anyone, it creates a stronger divide. I genuinely don’t see the need to compete this way & I don’t see how it benefits anyone in a blended family. At all.
I agree with you Monkeysee!
I agree with you Monkeysee! As a COD and a SM and a BM I can by far tell you that the worst of those positions for me has been being a SM. I was never spoiled and coddled and entitled just b/c my mommy and daddee got a divorce! Both of my parents were happier not being together. I was also taught to respect adults so I didn't act like some of the skids we read about here. Also I wasn't raised in a world where a child was expected to be more important than any other family member b/c they were a COD.
I think we need to stop
I think we need to stop getting into pissing contests over whether the SK or the SP has it worse, and put the blame and responsibility where it belongs: the parent.
The PARENT should have it hardest. They are the ones that should have to face their child's pain and mitigate it. They are the ones who have to raise their child as a single parent. They are the ones who have to balance their kids' wants and needs with their partner's wants and needs. They are the ones who have to set boundaries with exes and protect their new partner from their past.
I think too many parents divorce thinking that they'll get to find someone new who will fit their ideals better and who will take on half of their responsibility. The truth is, they will ALWAYS need to keep 100% of their responsibility - their kids - and will have to ADD more when they take a new partner.
This is the correct
This is the correct assessment!
(No subject)
I agree step families are
I agree step families are hard for everyone involved, the step parent, the step child and the bio parent. How can it not be hard? It was never God's design. God's design is always best and His design was a nuclear family where the husband and wife exist first and form a relationship and give it time to mature and strengthen before bringing children into their marriage, children made out of their blended genes and DNA. Children who never come to existance before their relationship because those who do tend to want to compete and expect to be of more importance than the parent who comes in the picture after them. Children who are not related to both parents tend to pit parent against each other and try to sabotage the marriage. Step kids don't always have respect for the step parent or the desire to please them or seek their approval which makes having a step child not such a nice thing and yet you are expected to treat their like your bio child when they wont even treat you like their bio mom, how is that fair
Here is an article that explains the differences between a step and a nuclear family that can make bio parents understand why reality has to be faced instead of expecting a step family to function like a nuclear family.
https://www.stepinstitute.ca/differences.php
"Stepfamilies" have been
"Stepfamilies" have been going on since the dawn of humanity, though generally because one spouse died. It's not a new concept.
And your "God's design" concept is a bit judgy for 2019. Lots of family types nowadays.
What?
Stepmothers have been around since the dawn of time because women have had the tendency to die in childbirth and leave dad with the need for someone to help him raise the child. If your God was so concerned about children being raised by stepmothers, why would he have allowed the women to die rather than survive to raise their own child? Guess it was not uppermost in his mind, huh?
Step mothers have been around
Step mothers have been around from way back yes but that don't mean God never had a specific design for families. He said a man must leave his mother and father and be one with his wife and the two must have Children and fill the earth!! Same as divorce was never God's plan for men, He hates divorce but just because it happens doesnt mean it was in his plan, God's design was for a man to be with a woman but in this world women are marrying women and men are marrying men!. Step families were never God's design for families, that is why they are ALWAYS built as a result of LOSS a parent dies or there is divorce. That is why step families are very different from nuclear families and all the more reasons they are so challenging.
Please note that by saying step families were never God's design Im not saying God is against them or Im against them no! I'm in a step family myself. Im simply saying God had planned a better family type for us, nuclear families will always be better than step/blended families. We are all in this steptalk site because step families are challenging in every manner.
I'm not convinced that it's
I'm not convinced that it's harder for skids than for sparents... kids, by pure facts of life, are always going to be subjected to new situations, places, people, rules etc... everywhere new they go may have a different set of standards by which they'll be expected to conform to.... yet, when it comes to the sparent, it's the sparent who is expected to conform to the standards expected by the skids.
Being an adult, I have the option of choosing my environment, whereas the skid doesn't. I can choose where I live and how I live. If I choose to accept a skid into my environment, the skid is the one who needs to put up and shut up.
Personally I see it no differently than being hired into an organization after having had previous employment... you don't waltz into tour new job and tell your new boss what you expect just because that's what you had at your last job. Sure, there can be a negotiation of terms... point is, there can be a discussion and in some cases there can be some compromise that is acceptable for all involved.
I know a skid isn't an employee being hired but for me the same princi0le applies.... just because skid can do x at mom's doesn't mean they can do x at smom's. There can be a discussion and a compromise... but the skid is still lowers in the chain of command and at the end of the day, should be held to their position - which is not one of authority.
Of course change is difficult and sometimes hard to Accept... it doesn't mean they should be allowed to run the show instead of being given the tools to cope with the changes. Skids aren't the only ones facing change. Sparents are too.
Silly example... my kids, at 6, still had a 7-7:30 bedtime. Ss6 has an 8pm bedtime, that drags on until 8:30. It was a change for me, because I always had kid free time on the evenings. Now o don't. (I get up at 4:30 so am in bed by 9ish).
Dh told me that's how it's always been for ss. So? He's 6. Maybe start the bedtime dramafest at 7:30 to finish by 8... compromise from my 7-7:30.... halfway, to be exact. Nope. I'm expected to drop it. Because ss doesn't WANT to go to bed at 7:30.
Like he knows the fkin difference... but I digress.
Whenever there were changes in my life that impacted my kids, I guided my kids through the changes. We talked about what would happen, how it's going to work, their questions and feelings... and when there was something they disagreed with, with valid reasons ; meaning one that wasn't simply that they didn't like it... they didn't like it because it affected them in a way that a different solution might work better. Their concerns were taken seriously, and they either provided reasonable reasons as to why a change wouldnt work out and what might work better... or they came to understand and accept the reasons as to why the changes would still take place.
But that's my job as a parent. To teach...guide...explain... parent. Perhaps it wouldn't be so hard for skids to accept and adjust to change, if they're made to feel they're concerns are valid TOO, as opposed to being the ONLY ones whose objections matter.
I dont think the employee analogy works
Because employees can quit, stepkids cannot until they are 18,, and wow, if they quit the steprelatives at 18, the fireworks here. Stepkid would not invite my kids to the wedding!!! Stepkids would not invite me to graduation!!!
But they DO quit. They don't
But they DO quit. They don't quit GOING... but they quit the sparent. By continuing disrespect...ignoring...not inviting to things... Quite often, they quit the paren too. It's like they keep going to that job...act out, knowing they won't be fired... until they decide just not to come back.
It is not the same.
I can quit my job and never talk to anyone there anymore.
And how many stories are on
And how many stories are on here about skids never talking to sparent and parent again?
It's just an analogy for how I see it. Take it or leave it. You don't have to nitpick.
No one has it easy. I am the
No one has it easy. I am the outsider in my home. Im the one with expectations put on me to be a mother to children so nasty their own mother wouldnt keep them because her boyfriend(now husband) would have ran by now. DH paid her between 40k-50k per year in CS in addition to buying everything for them like clothes, toys, supplies, medical, groceries whatever they needed and BM still didnt want them.
I had to be the bad guy and set rules for feral children. The kids have almost become something you can dress up and take in public...almost. I taught DH a lot about parenting and about ss12 being on the spectrum and how that should be handled. He went from the weird kid that made noises and had meltdowns and had drool all over his shirt from chewing to having a few friends. He went from having his nose in a computer and talking to predators and watching porn to having his nose in a book occasionally and playing baseball and basketball with friends.(Damn I miss when he was quiet though, his fukin mouth is awful).
Did you know who will benefit from this? DH and his next wife because doing all this has ruined my relationship. If DH marries again everyone will wonder why I wasnt good enough to be their step mother because by that time they will be more pleasant to be around and will have learned how to behave and treat someone.
The skids will go back to their life when Im gone. My life will never be the same. I'll never get back the job I gave up. I'll never get back the years I gave up. My social life has changed. I've aged in the last few years a lot. I dont know if its my situation or it was just time. Ive always looked VERY young for my age like people thought my son was my boyfriend when he was a teeneager and he'd say ewww thats my mom. If I could go back to the day that DH sent me a message in a dating site, I wouldnt even answer politely. Id just delete him. Sad because we started as internet friends for a few months then met in person, became running partners and then best friends. After over a year of all that we started dating and BM dropped all this shit in our lap.