Loving your stepchild the same as your own

Forums:

Stepparents are expected to love their stepchildren the same as their own, but why aren't stepchildren expected to love their stepparent the same as their bio parents? Why do stepchildren get a free pass to treat their stepparents how they please just because they're someone's child, but the stepparent is expected to love them as their own no matter what ?

In a healthy situation, no

In a healthy situation, no one expects a stepparent to love the skids as their own.

My skids are adults. So I

My skids are adults. So I found it liberating when another member suggested flipping the script as the OP does here.

I can now say without a qualm that my H's kids are sh!tty, terrible daughters. They definitely deserve an F in daughtering. They are sh!tty to their moms, too, and to their moms' partners as well. But that's none of my business.

At a certain point, skids are accountable for their poor behavior. It's just too bad that many parents are too paralyzed by guilt and fear to call them out on it.

Yeah, my adult SD uses mental

Yeah, my adult SD uses mental illness as an excuse for her poor behaviour and people eat it up with a spoon. She's not held accountable for anything

I dont know who expects a Stepparent to love their child as

their own. I think intelligent people do not expect that. I think a bioparent should hope or expect that everyone be civil.

I agree with Inluck. DH and I

I agree with Inluck. DH and I don't place those expectations on each other's relationships with our perspective skids. However, as parents we demand that the every one in the house treats each other with kindness, courtesy and respect.

I love my bios with a fierceness, I love SS19 very much and I will support and protect and be a mother to him (he is also special needs). SS14, however, ehhh.... I love my husband. My husband loves his son. I support their relationship and his fight to be a father to his son. I will always be kind and inclusive with SS14 in terms of our family. He and his mother have caused so much pain in our family, but we will continue to have our household expectations. SS14 has never disrespected us in our home.

"My husband loves his son. I

"My husband loves his son. I support their relationship and his fight to be a father to his son. I will always be kind and inclusive with SS14 in terms of our family. He and his mother have caused so much pain in our family, but we will continue to have our household expectations. SS14 has never disrespected us in our home."

I feel exactly the same about my SS19. I don't love him, and I never will, but DH does, and I support that.

If the breeding partner in

If the breeding partner in the marraige is worth a crap as a parent... these issues don't happen. And if they do, they are short lived.

Love is the result of action. If no one takes the action, the feelings of love don't happen. Compliance with reasonable standards of behavior by kids in a blended family are a critical success factor in this process.

Television has a lot to do

Television has a lot to do with it. There are a TON of single parents out there, so TV thinks they should show the "ideal" family.

Again, trying to create unrealistic expectations. Then you end up with a million people with the "If you aren't going to be a father/mother, then we can't be together" mindset.

In itself, that's also fine. Honestly, if I get divorced from my wife, I'll never remarry, at least not until my own children are all adults and living their own lives. Single parents (those losers who did it without birth control, or the losers who thought it was a good idea not to use a condom, NOT WIDOWS), should be solitary and alone for one generation. They should be miserable, they should struggle. It'll lead a generation to teach their kids to make better choices, leading to less single parenthood.

I've asked this myself too

Bc yes, society seems to think SMs should love SKs as their own, lest they be an "evil SM" but no one asks that of the SKs. Is it bc the SK already has a mother? Well some SMs have their own bio kids already as well. Doesn't make any sense, and I think people just need a lot more education on what steplife is really like...bc if you haven't lived it, you have NO idea...

I used to tell my dh that if

I used to tell my dh that if I was expected to treat ss like my own, that ss better treat me like his own.

At first...well.. you're not his mom so No.. he's just a kid it's hard...

Yep. Not my kid, check.

After having to do EVERYTHING on his own.... he changed his tune. It's not about love... it's about me taking care of ss in return for the simple respect of my authority.

I don't need love from ss... (though the stinker does love me lol) but I do need him to wash his poop hands after pooping..and I need him to stop if I tell him to stop doing something. I need him to follow the punishments I apply, I need manners, and I need apologies for wrongdoings.

Screw love. Teachers and daycare providers are given more than the stepparent in many cases... I expect nothing less.

If I invest my time, energy and resources in a child, damn straight I just bought the authority to deal with that child when required and paid for the right of behavioral standards in my own surroundings.