Attachment/Jealousy Issues
First some background. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. I have six kids (three grown and three ages 14, 13, and 11) and he has two ages 9 and 6. I have my kids full time, he gets his every other weekend, every other Thursday- Friday, and one week during the summer. (We are currently in his one week) My kids are very mature and independant for thier ages. Partially out of necessity being raised by a single mom, and partially becuase I am rasing them to be confident, independent humans who can think for themselves, and follow their passions. His kids are practically the opposite. Thier mother babies them and is a helicopter mom. They are timid and very immature for thier ages. My kids understand that I have to work hard and have limited time and resources. I do as much for them as I can, and they work themselves to get what they want. We spend quality time together as often as possible, but in a large family you have to share time and attention. His kids are used to being 100% the center of his attention and him being able to do practically anything they want when ever they want.
Now the issues.
His daughter has attachement issues. Like literally has to be physically touching him the majority of the time. Sitting in his lap during family movie time, laying her head on his arm at the table during meal time. There have even been times when I have walked into our room in the morning to find she has crawled in to his spot in our bed when he was in the shower. I have discussed this with my boyfriend, and told him that I do not feel that this is healthy and that this could potentially cause issues when she gets older and starts dating. He agrees that she has attachment issues, but blames it on the fact that he doesn't get to see them often and says she will out grow it. But the way she behaves with him makes me very uncomfortable. (I absolutly do not think there is anything inapproriate going on. My boyfriends often gets irritated by her bevaviour as well, he just doesn't say anything to her about it.) His son is not like this at all. He has healthy boundaries. Gets a hug when he wants one and then goes and plays with my kids.
His daughter is also struggling with not being the center of his attention. Here is an example. Last night after showers, my boyfriend was sitting at the table trying to get some work finished up. His daughter was sitting as close to him as she could with her head on his arm. She still had her hair wrapped up in a towel. I suggested (very nicely, didn't even use my mom voice) that she go and brush out her hair so that it wouldn't get full of knots being wrapped in the towel for so long. She broke down and started crying uncontrolably. My 13 year old daughter was also sitting at the table and was shocked by her behaviour and asked me what the issue was, I told her I had no idea. My boyfriend tried to get her to use her words and tell him what was bothering her. She just kept saying she didn't know. This led to them having a private conversation in the girls room that lasted over an hour and a half. And now he is spending the entire morning with just her.
Don't get me wrong, I understand that kids need to be able to feel safe enough to come and have a private conversation with thier parents about what is bothering them. My kids do. However, I am really starting to get irritated by her behavior, and so are my kids. I am also concerned that she is going to start having these melt downs more often now that she sees that doing so gets her back as the center of her dad's attention. He keeps saying that she will out grow it, and eventually not want to spend time with him any more so he is going to cherish it while she does.
I am at the point now where I don't want to be involved in parenting his kids. I feel like I should just do my thing, keep parenting my kids the way I always have, and when his kids are over I just stay out of thier way. That disappoints him though becuase he wants us to all be this big happy family. I don't see that happening as long as his daughter keeps behaving like this.
Welcome to the site!
You will find plenty of posts here on disengagement - in fact there is a whole section dedicated to it. It is what a lot of us have done to retain our sanity in the face of (usually) ineffectual parenting by the bio parents resulting in SKIDs with behaviour/attachment/entitlement issues.
Here is one article on the subject - there are many ;-)
https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/disengaging-essay
Disengagement means make like the kid does not exist
You are basically force to do that. No matter what you do will not matter with SD. All you will do is hurt your head from banging it against the wall. This is something DH has to handle, unfortunately he not handling very well. DH has to start changing the her. By taking small steps. Telling her she can not always be sitting on him. Touching him ect. Five minute of sitting on his lap then sitting by herself a foot away, type of thing . If he keeps playing her game it’s only going to get worst. I understand she understand she only see her father a few days a month where other kids see their father every day.
But this is unhealthy, and is going to destroy your marriage if it keeps going on. She is trying to control your home and DH. You can’t let this happen.
Your kids are older.. so
Your kids are older.. so obviously they are going to be more "mature".. but they also were raised, as you said, to be independent. His kids are only 9 and 6.. I'm not sure if it's the 6 or 9 yo.. that is causing the problems.. but I am going to take a guess that it is the 9 yo.
I know, it must be hard for them to be in a home with lots of new people.. if they have any tendency to being shy/timid.. this might be stressful. Your BF should be helping them feel comfortable.. but HE needs to set boundaries.
At the root of it, the behavior you are describing doesn't sound overly immature for a child.. but it does signal that dad needs to work on setting boundaries.. like no sleeping in parent bed.. and helping his child cope with constructive criticisms and advice.
It is the 9 year old. And up
It is the 9 year old. And up to this point I have been giving her a pass because it has been a lot of changes, she is only 9, etc. But I can't do it any more. I feel like she is taking over our home.
Your H keeps making excuses
Your H keeps making excuses for his daughter and not doing anything to address the problem of her clingyness. He needs to find out why SD feels so insecure and needs constant attention. If he continues to enable this behavior yes it will only get worse and him "hoping she'll grow out of it" is not a solution or answer. He's not parenting his kids at all and the older they get you will experience more of the same.
I am at the point now where I don't want to be involved in parenting his kids. I feel like I should just do my thing, keep parenting my kids the way I always have, and when his kids are over I just stay out of thier way.
I think disengagement is your best option or else you will lose your mind trying to fix something you have no control over. Continue to parent your children and anything to do with his kids he will have to do ALL the footwork. They are his issue to deal with. Hopefully this will show him the error of his ways and he'll realize that he needs to change his parenting style and stop coddling and enabling.
Wishing you well!
Manipulation should never be
Manipulation should never be catered to or go unconfronted. This little girl is a manipulator and is playing daddy like a cheap toy. He needs clarity and learn to balance her emotional manipulation with reality.
If he doesn't, this relationship is destined for drama and to be a never ending tragic story.
if he doesn't, this
if he doesn't, this relationship is destined for drama and to be a never ending tragic story.
This is what I am forseeing and hoping to prevent.
it gets worse as they get older
I would encourage your BF to start making changes now. SDwho is 28 is still very clingly and is exactly what you describe your 9 yr old SD as doing. My SD is 28 YEARS OLD! As you mentioned it isn't that there is anything inappropriate going on but it is weird to see someone at her age sitting on her Dad's lap, consistantly. She is always hugging him, kissing him (on cheek), sitting as close as she can to him etc., Just plain weird. Both the SD's (the other SD is 30)are not allowed in our house anymore (long story for another time as a result of their hateful and bitter behavior towards me) so I am not as exposed to it as much as in the past but I know it still happens. My point is - They Don't Grow Out of It! She has grown into the clingy manipulative mini wife as mentioned by MurphysLaw in this trial of responses.
No one
No one "out grows" behavior that benefits them. If he continues to give her older child privileges like phones and staying up later whlie she still acts like a clingy young child who is coddled and cared for, why on earth would she change?