Disrespectful SD15 throws tantrum trying on new uniform. I'm sorry. She doesn't have to like it, but she is going to wear it.
After weeks of arguing with SD15 about going to get her school uniform, I told her that I would just guess her sizes if she didn't come with me. She relented under protest. She's been freaking out because she thinks the uniform will "look stupid" compared to her normal clothes (skin tight flare pants, leggings, and crop tops) she wore to her previous school last year when she was living with BM. I told her she won't know how it will look until she tries it on, and no one is going to care what she's wearing when everyone is wearing the same thing.
While on the way to the store, she's going on and on about how she doesn't want to wear a plaid skirt (regular uniform) or the jumper dress (formal uniform one day a week)
Her major gripes always circle back to there being a lack of options. She doesn't want to wear a skirt everyday, and she thinks the jumper will make her look immature for her age,
I've been trying to empathize with her, and I've been sensitive to her situation since moving here, but I'm sorry. I didnt pick her school, and I didn't make the rules. The Christian school she's transferring to has a traditional uniform. Girls wear the skirt or the jumper. Simple. She won't need to focus so much on her wardrobe.
We get to the store, and she gives me the silent treatment as the sales person helps me gather the clothes. I'm beyond frustrated and know she will drag this out if I let her. I tell her to go in the changing room and try the jumper on first, or I'm going to buy the size I picked.
She goes in to change. Ten minutes go by. Fifteen minutes go by. I knock and ask if everything is okay. No answer. I tell her I'm going to get the sales person to unlock the door unless she opens it. She opens the door and I see she's upset, but at least she's got the uniform on. I ask her what's wrong, and she starts throwing a tantrum about the jumper. She's crying because she thinks the jumper makes her look like she's in 3rd grade - not high school. She also thinks it is too large because it's not form-fitting.
She cannot accept that the jumper isn't designed to be form-fitting. It needs to be sized generously for the chest, and then should drape loosely around the midsection and hips to allow for growth and comfort. It's not supposed to be tight. I tell her this, but she's not listening. She wants it to be taken in and hemmed. I refuse because I know her new school isn't going to allow her to wear an altered jumper fitted tight around her waist, hips and chest like she wants it.
At this point, I'm wishing her father was there with us. He would lay down the law more effectively than I'm able to do with with her. He's already told her repeatedly she doesn't have to like it, but she's going to it wear it.
I tell her we are not making alterations to the jumper. It fits her up top and it drapes generously below. Wearing it once a week on chapel day is not the end of the world, like she think it will be.
I get her to try on the skirt next, and she's upset the length is too long. She wants it hemmed higher above the knee. I tell her no alterations - she's not starting the school year with a shortened skirt. It fits her waist and hips, end of discussion. She says "Fine. You'll see."
I asked what she meant by, " you'll see." No answer. Back to the silent treatment on the way home.
I told her to read the school handbook thoroughly and really get familiar with the rules because she's in for a rude awakening if she thinks she's going to act up at school like she does with me. If she doesn't improve her own self-discipline and start to be more respectful, they will discipline her more strictly than I can.
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Comments
We rolled our skirts at the
We rolled our skirts at the waist to make them shorter lol.
I thought I hated my school uniform but as an adult when I had to wake up each day and get dressed for work and care what I was wearing EVERY DAY, I realized how easy it was to have a uniform for 12 years. Everyone looks the same
Hahaha we did that too!
Hahaha we did that too! Thought we were so sneaky until one day the principal came into all the classroom and made all the girls stand on their chairs while he walked around and gave detentions to anyone whose skirt wasn’t fingertip length.
OP, your SD sounds like a nightmare. I definitely wouldn’t take her shopping again, even for things that she *wants* until she apologizes and fixes her attitude. If you need to buy clothes, order online and don’t give her any choices. What a brat.
" Thought we were so sneaky
" Thought we were so sneaky until one day the principal came into all the classroom and made all the girls stand on their chairs while he walked around and gave detentions to anyone whose skirt wasn’t fingertip length. "
I chuckled and got the willies- wow that sounds creepy as hell....which most of these uptight 'christian' environments seems to be a magnet for pervs and pedos -especially when it comes to positions of authority. Like really- why stand on the CHAIR -shudder I can picture him walking amongst you all (shudder)
Yikes-sounds like a nightmare
Yikes-sounds like a nightmare shopping trip. That said, I do kind of empathize because shoot-what teen girl wants to look stupid in a uniform. And she doesn't NEED the skirt altered-but if she's like every clever uniform skirt wearer-she'll learn how to hike it up lol-shoot I did that with my non-uniform skirts mom required be a certain length.
Who chose the school? Does she live with you? Why aren't her parents taking her uniform shopping KNOWING especially how difficult she will be-you were suckered-and that is awful.
I wish ALL schools would go
I wish ALL schools would go to uniforms!
Yes! All the public schools
Yes! All the public schools here wear the same uniforms PreK through 12th. DD’s school in particular is very economically diverse, and I love how the uniforms help (at least somewhat) keep everyone on a level playing field. Kids have enough to worry about without getting into who is wearing what.
Oh sorry- I just read your
Oh sorry- I just read your other blogs-I guess you guys have her fulltime now then? So was this a 'dad is working so it's on you' thing? I still think that since HE wants her in this school-he can take an hour off work or go on the weekend to take her uniform shopping. He was unfair to put that on you.
Yes we have her fulltime. A
Yes we have her fulltime. A lot of dealing with SD is on me because DH works long hours.. I want to help her, but she is stretching my patience with her disrespect, especially when DH isn't around. I feel like I have to get tougher with her when DH is at work.
SD has is having a really
SD has is having a really hard time accepting her new school, and the uniform she's going to wear. I've told her 100 times that she looks fine, no one's going to criticize her because everyone will be wearing it. I hear what you're saying about rolling skirts to shorten them. I did that too. But I'm not sure how well rolling them at SDs new school will go over. It's a biblical based school that emphasizes discipleship, self-discipline, and obedience.
Your DH has to step UP!!!
He needs to understand where his DD is coming from, and as much as I think you are a caring person and can communicate very well, he needs to interact with his DD.
I think the kids roll the skirts the minute they leave the school.
DH should be the one who is
DH should be the one who is taking her to get the uniforms, he should be the one dealing with her tantrum.
I told her if she wants her
I told her if she wants her uniforms altered, go ask DH. He is good taking the lead when he's home. But I'm stuck with her and her tantrums when he's not home. And I feel like I'm going to be the one dealing with any school issues once she starts, because he will be at work. For example, I can totally envision getting a call from school saying SD did such and such, we need you to do such and such...
Honestly, I don't envy you.
Honestly, I don't envy you. A disgruntled teen being forced to go to a school with frumpy uniforms... this is going to be a big adjustment. If possible, I would be putting her dad in the line of fire. It really isn't fair to you.
That kid has moved from one
That kid has moved from one extreme to the next. Mom's home was a free for and dad's is going to be one with unrealistic restrictions. There has to be a middle ground that will yield the desired results.
The girl is right about the uniform. It sounds horrid. And clothes do matter to kids. Even when they are all wearing uniforms, they matter.
I can't believe a high school forces girls to wear jumpers? And that pants aren't an option. The only kids I can see accepting such a ridiculous dress code are kids that have grown up in that particular church. As well as kids that have never been allowed have their own opinions, thoughts or ideas.
I hope you husband has a uniform fund. I predict he will be replacing uniform often due to them "disappearing" or getting damaged "accidentally".
Personally, I can see how
Personally, I can see how jumpers are probably better suited for younger grades. But the older girls only wear it one day a week. Pants, unfortunately, are not an option - something that SD would prefer. She said she wore pants often at her previous school, and that she would feel more comfortable wearing pants overall. I feel her pain on this. I don't know what to say to her other than certain schools still follow a more traditional dress code where girls don't get to wear pants. But aside from personal preference, is it that big of deal to wear the skirt or jumper for school when the other girls are wearing it? She can change out of it when she gets home. It's not like she's not going to have other clothes to wear when she's at home.
I don't know- I think your DH
I don't know- I think your DH will really regret this decision. You can't go from super lax no rules to this kind of extreme. He really should have listened a bit more to her and told her he would at least TRY the public school...and let her know that if he sees further issues that are of concern, then switch schools.
She can rebel worse and her grades could actually be impacted if she's that unhappy with it.
It doesn't matter to her that others are wearing it because they aren't HER is what she will see it as. We tell our kids all the time, if all your friends jump off a bridge, you going to also? lol Now we are saying 'they all are doing this, so you have to as well'- I mean in reality I'm not anti -uniform at all...but this place seems extreme.
I wish they had what they did where I grew up-they had 'guardapolvos' basically picture a white Drs looking coat that went over your clothes. The girls ones had some variations, longer, shorter, different styles a bit but basically all kids had this white coat over their clothes. You can google images. Some girls would hike them way up along w/the skirts but hey, it was the norm there.
Her father feels so strongly
Her father feels so strongly that she needs a smaller conservative school with rules and structure because he thinks she was very close to crossing the line of no return when living with BM. I also suggested something along similar lines to what you said, but he feels like if he doesn't start off strong with being strict she will pick up right where she left off, running wild in a more permissive public school.
It's not just about the
It's not just about the clothes. It's about being FORCED to conform; to comply with ridiculous policies simply because everyone else is doing so.
Schools (and parents)should teach and encourage students to voice their concerns about various norms. Mixed in with the bratty behavior were valid concerns and a few viable solutions.
An amazing school would be willing to listen to a student's well articulated objections to its policies. They would encourage the studentsvto come up with alternatives. For example, a skirt, dress pants, blouse and blaze instead of a jumper.
Being a brat isn't OK, but turning a deaf ear to valid concerns isn't either.
But then it wouldn't fit in
But then it wouldn't fit in with some churches push on blind obedience/no questioning/feeble sheep mentality. They don't promote any self-thinking/independence or questioning of authority. This place is having some red flags. My son did private Christian school for about 2-3 years, he liked it ok. They weren't that strict though. They did have uniforms but it was pants/skirts khakis and then several polo shirts/colors they could chose from, some blazer/sweatshirts....the girls could do pants or skirts if I remember correctly.
They also had a wonderful summer camp program both sons attended during their younger years.
It was unfair that this was
It was unfair that this was put on you, but you really did handle it well. You stayed calm and offered appropriate consequences for failure to comply. And at the end you referred her to her dad for alterations.
I wonder if it would help to tell her that she is so pretty she would look great in anything.
The private school kids here show their originality but going to a local specialty store for designer socks and tights.
Honestly I think it's misogynistic to force women to wear skirts. Blessed be the fruit.
I do tell her she looks good
I do tell her she looks good no matter what she wears. She really is an attractive girl which has been a double edged sword in her teen years so far, especially last year. She looks older than she is, and older boys like her. She even has lied about her age to older boys. She wants to be older, to look older, to act as if she is older for that reason.
The uniform, in her mind, makes her look younger, less mature looking. She's not able to fool anyone when she's wearing it. That's why she says she would prefer pants and something more casual overall. The plaid uniform, the knee socks, the uniform shoes are all conspicuous in broadcasting she's still in school.
May the Lord open.
May the Lord open.
Your DH should be handling this
He should be getting her her uniforms. You should not be getting SD school uniform. This is how you become the one who SD will not like. DH working long hours is no excuse, He wants her at his home, he takes care of her and parent her.
I don't want to sound harsh
but this is going to fail miserably. Your husband's plan is ridiculous. A bible-based school that is part of a small church community that focuses on obedience? WTH? This sounds like a school for the small group of church followers attached to it and not a school for a child who has been raised with a lot of freedom. I would also rather see a school focused on academics, appropriate social interactions and preparing for the future over any school that admits one of its focuses is "obedience."
Your husband needs to step up and actually be a parent. He has regulated his parenting duties to you and a school. What has he done to actually help his child? Has he vetted this school? Spoken to former students? Checked test scores? Checked academic ratings and accreditation? Anything?
I was wondering this as well
I was wondering this as well. Are there things about this school that make it a good school beyond all of the behavioral rules and regulations? Will she have a chance to excel academically? This school seems to go way beyond just having kids wear uniforms. How much does religion inform the curriculum? Does she even follow the religion?
There is a Catholic high school in our area that many non-Catholics send their children to because of its rigorous academic standards. They can deal with the "Catholic" aspects of the school because the school focuses on the academics. The school you are dealing with does not seem to be this type of school.
I realize this may be beyond your control. But you are the one who is going to have to deal with the fall out if SD completely rebels in this environment - which is what is probably going to happen. She is not going to fall in line, she is going to keep pushing back. And from the way you are describing the school, probably with good cause. I can't imagine adapting to that kind of environment without being raised in it.
I admire what you are doing - I hope your DH appreciates it!
Religion, character formation
Religion, character formation, and self-discipline are heavily emphasized from all I've learned so far. Academics seem okay, but not as competitive as some other schools in the area. Whether DH is ultimately right or wrong, he feels very strongly that his daughter needs to find stability in a more structured environment at this critical moment in her life.
You're right about me having to deal with daily issues as they occur. DH works a lot. His daughter doesn't have anyone else who's responsible to provide for her. I feel like I'm doing my best, but I am not a stern disciplinarian. DH is more of a disciplinarian than I am. The Christian school she's going to is heavily premised on stricter discipline than I'm personally comfortable with. Unfortunately, I think she's going to have challenges conforming her behavior to what will be expected.
It almost seems like DH wants the school
It almost seems like DH wants the school to solve all his problems with SD. Does he really think if she is controlled that much in school that she is actually going to change her behavior at home? Is he doing anything to help her with this adjustment other than sending her to a strict religious school? I know she is resistant to counseling, but DH could make her go at least once. And it needs to be a counselor not affiliated with the school.
I feel for you. As you move forward with this and SD reacts like most of us thinks she is going to - you may have to back off and make DH deal with the results. I think this school is going to create more problems than it is going to solve.
So basically as long
as his child conforms to archaic and sexist standards he doesn't give a a flip about academics.
He wants a robot, not a teenager. Or he wants something she shouldn't be forced to give him. A quiet, meek, frumpy jumper wearing future wife of someone. She "almost" crossed lines while with her mom? She wants to wear jeans because they make her look like a three years from adult young woman instead of a jumper that makes her look like a small child? I mean yes, she likely engaged in less that desirable behaviors when allowed to do so but skinny jeans and crop tops are in style and not exactly pasties and thigh-high laced boots with some booty shorts.
Mom was too permissive and dad wants total submission. There is a happy medium in there somewhere Many of us have successfully navigated the teen years without resorting to red capes and white caps.
BTW OP
seeing that you have been tasked with taking care of this child and getting her uniforms and such, you DO have a say. You shouldn't allow anything in your home that could potentially harm this young woman. Mentally, emotionally, socially or academically. She has already had a rough childhood. She has already been neglected. So yes, you can say something.
"DH, I don't believe this is the right choice for Sue. I understand that ultimately it is your decision but I will not participate in something I believe is harmful." End of discussion. When said child asks about her uniform "Yes Sue. I agree with you. I don't believe in infantalizing young women or imposing archaic standards of dress on young women. It is not flattering. Unfortunately I don't choose the uniform and didn't choose the school." Your husband is setting YOU up to be the bad guy by having you force these things on his child so don't do it.
Another Vote for
ALL schools having uniforms. I'm also a big fan of NON co-ed as well!
Goodbye Mr. Chips!!!!
This is a co-ed school. Not
This is a co-ed school. Not single sex.
I appreciate that you are a
I appreciate that you are a good person trying your best to help your SD through this situation. But it is going to backfire on you. You are extremely over functioning. If your DH is a full-time parent. Then he needs to be that full-time parent. Substituting stepmom in his place, never works out well.
Call her a whambulance.
Call her a whambulance. Seriously, it's a friggin' uniform that everyone wears. I wore one and I'm not traumatized by the experience. A gazillion people wear uniforms everyday to work. Seriously.
The uniform is a small
part of this mess. This young woman was raised with an addict mom who is now facing criminal charges. Dad has decided that she needs to attend an ultra-conservative, small sect Christian school in order to change her behavior. Behavior that was directly as a result of her upbringing with her mom so basically she is being punished for mom's bad behavior. This school features lessons in religion and obedience. Dad won't even try to parent or be reasonable when it comes to her schooling. He wants what he wants and his wife better make it happen and his daughter had better conform.
This has disaster written all over it
I went to a tiny strict catholic boarding school. Personally I hated it but put up with it due to family circumstances. However, so many families sent their “problem” girls for the school to fix. It never worked.
Even worse, once even the most outwardly compliant students graduated they went wild. Most flunked or nearly flunked the 1st year of university if they got far. 7% ended up in rehab, 3% were hospitalised for other issues. Even years later I saw two of my year taking coke openly at a non drugy party when we were supposed to be proper grown ups.
I never had an of these problems because I had at least one parent who parented. The school can’t do the parents job.
Tell all of this to your husband before he creates a worse problem.