Am I being too hard on SS17?
I am caring for SS17 while DH is deployed. We sent him to stay with his mom's family for 2 months of summer and he just came back. So I tried to pick up where we left off and reminded him is job is to set his alarm every morning to get up (to prepare for the start of school in 1 week) and then let my dogs out for a potty break at 12noon. I work an hour away from home so someone must let them out.
he did fine for 3 days, then went to see his girlfriend the next day so I hired a dog walker that day, then screwed up on Friday. Well apparently he doesn't check his alarm setting everynight and by 2pm he was not up (I have cameras in the house to see what is going on). No sign of SS17, dogs not given potty break, SS not answering his cell phone or landline (we do remove Cell phone at night so he doesn't stay up all night on it, and he can retrieve it in the morning after he gets up. So I had to leave work to let them out (they are elderly and can't wait long to pee). I was so pissed! He woke up at 3:00pm when I came into the house.
I had also come home twice this week from work and the bathroom sink faucet was running water! He has done this occasionaly since I've know him. so these 3 dumb things together in 1 week have just set me off. SS17 acted helpless to check that his alarm was set every night, said he doesn't check every night. I told him I had reminded him the night before and tried everything else but without success, and asked him what I can to to help him succeed. He just stood there acting helpless and said he didn't mean to hurt the dogs intentionally. I said I know that but he had one job to do and didn't do it. He wants to get a part time job and I said he couldn't even handle this simple job. His "helplessness" has really gotten to me over the years and to still act like this at his age - well I have run out of patience as the only parent here.
Am I too harsh for thinking at 17 he should be able to set an alarm everynight (an turn off the sink water)? I am thinking of putting the landline in his room and call him every day he doesn't get up on his own since he can't hear it from his room. and any time he doesn't get up on his own, HE can pick up the poop in the yard instead of me.
I am concerned that he seems so helpless and don't know what to do to get him to do someting on his own without an adult having to hold his hand every step of the way. Usuallly we issue consequences, but this is somthing that he can't fail at...my dogs need to be let out without fail and punishment to the kid afterwards doens't prevent my dogs from suffering.
You know the answer
He should be able to do this. He just does not care. You should send him back to his mothers so she can deal with him. Or have DH read him the riot act.
Sounds like the male version of my SD17
I really needed her to walk Digby our dog around the block before school so he could go to the toilet when I was breastfeeding. When the house was quiet and I was feeding my son, she assumed I was asleep so wouldn’t walk him. It happened too many times and was stressing me out, as you say the dog was ‘suffering’.
3 months of this crap, I read her the bloody Riot Act after nothing else worked. Guess what? It didn’t happen again.
Well - in some ways you are
Well - in some ways you are supporting and reinforcing his "helplessness" by doing things like taking his phone at night, not letting him get a job, etc - things that tell him you don't believe he can manage himself. Now, I get that he's showing he can't, but you don't have to reinforce that.
Stop taking his phone at night. If he doesn't get up for school, he can pay the consequences. Let him get a part-time job and show whether or not he can maintain it on his own. Give him the message that you see him as a capable person who can handle his own life, so you will stop doing things for him that you know he can do himself.
He sounds like so many kids - afraid to grow up and assume adult responsibilities, so they act helpless and the parents then step in and take over for them, which reinforces the helplessness.
Get a dog walker for your dogs in the meantime, so they aren't collateral damage in your efforts to make him more independent. But expect him to do other chores around the house.
But where is his mother? Why are you the one caring for this kid?
I see what you are saying, however, he is already doing
poorly at school. We used to him have his phone, then he stays on it all night and falls asleep in school and we get calls from the teachers. it is at the point he could flat out fail if left to his own devices. He already is failing classes and not turning in homework at times. If he gets a job he will have even less time to do the little school work he does. THe problem is...we HAVE given him the opportunity to make his own decisions and he makes bad decisions or just does nothing at all. Whenever we give him the opportunity to be a capable person, he acts even more incapable. It seems not matter what, nothing works. If given the opportunity to let him manage things himself, he doesn't manage anything.
My plan was to have the dog walker come since I can't trust him, but then I'm paying for someone to drive to my house with the kid is right here and no one is making him get his butt out of bed. He will sleep all day and do nothing if left alone. He will eventually get up and do his choares. His mother is many states away and useless.
Whether we step in....or step back...he contineus to act helpless.
Because you guys won't let
Because you guys won't let him fail at anything and take the consequences. Let him fail in school. Don't pay for his phone or car or anything. No wifi in the house for him to play video games. He can go to summer school or be a super senior. Make him leave the house for the day and change the locks so he can't get in until you are home. Make him get a job and pay some rent or for his phone.
That's what I meant when I said parents reinforce the helplessness. You guys are allowing him to be helpless.
Sorry I should have clarified...he failed when we didn't step in
...so we tried to step in and get him on the right track...but then he would still end up failing at things. yeah,..i guess it's better to let him fail and get embarassed when he can't go on to the 12th grade.
Yep. It's his responsibility
Yep. It's his responsibility to manage school. Just let him know what happens at 18 if he's not in school and passing.
thank you. His dad and I need to have a talk with him and
make all of that clear. Then let him suffer the consequences.
Give him some real
Give him some real consequences. Since he has no job does he rely on you for spending money? Cut that off. Does he have a car? Take those keys. And for the phone - don’t give it back when he doesn’t get up.
And buy an alarm that doesn’t have to be set each day. They have been making those for decades.
this is why I'm pulling my hair out...the alarm clock he has
only needs to be set once....Somehow he seems to turn if off! then the next day is does not go off. But either way...I can't imagine not taking 2 second to make sure an alarm is set on. I've been doing that for 15 years back in the "old days" when I had to manually set every night. He won't even check his alarm every night...at 17 years old. I just don't get it.
Why is he staying with you
Why is he staying with you and not with his mother?
I do think he's a little old to still be taking his phone at night. I mean I get the intent behind it, but he's almost an adult.
Honestly if he can't do simple tasks around the house to help out, I would just send him back to his mother's. It really isn't your problem.
Nope, you are not being hard
Nope, you are not being hard on him at all. That is the problem.
Your home is wored, you can have a speaker system installed and blast the alarm from your phone when he fails to get his ass out of bed or take the dogs out. You can monitor him and apply real time consequences.
We learned early that the only way to purge SS of his visitation with the SpermClan behavioral degredation was zero tolerance and give zero horizon for him to reintegrate into our home and compliance with our behavioral standards. Any crap was met with immediate consequences once he stepped off of the plane from SpermLand.
When SS was the age of your SS, we eliminated all enjoyment from his life if he did not continually earn it. My SS graduated from HS at 17. We gave him until he was 18 to be a kid but the day after his birthday reality slapped him in the face. And we were the ones doing the slapping (Figuratively of course). Young adults perform. Period. They should have no choice.
He is not performing, you are not being too hard on him. So start being hard on him. No more lectures, no discussion just perform or... feel the consequences. He is making the choice to not do what he should do. The why doesn't matter.
I totally agree...my frustration is that no matter
what we do....get hard on him...or go easy and give him a chance to do better nothing works. He just doesn't seem to care either way... Always acts helpless no matter what. I don't have his Dad here so that doesn't help either.
When we got to a similar
When we got to a similar place with SS at that age we decided our job was to get him out of high school no matter what level of ass riding and misery it took.
Then he could finish growing up in his own time and his own dime somewhere else.
Somewhere else ended up being in the USAF. Meanwhile 9 years later he is kicking ass and taking names as an adult. He still does not always do it as his mom and I would like but he is doing it as a self supporting viable adult. He had his 8th service anniversary in the USAF this past April and just turned 27 two weeks ago.
We love and are very proud of that kid and the man that he is.