Ot - toxic mothers
I've seen this as a topic brought up in a few posts lately, about toxic mothers/mother in laws being a common theme for people on this board. I've wondered alot as a teen/adult if I have one myself, but since it's my own mother and the only one I've ever had it's hard to judge myself. I can clearly see that MIL is since I'm looking at it from the outside. I suspect my own mother is somewhat toxic also and have a few people say things that indicate they thought the same also. Shes not the worst, but then I normally feel somewhat misunderstood/worse after talking to her and have trouble being around her for very long without getting annoyed. Just curious what your relationships with your parents were like and do you think their relationship with you is part of what led you to some of the dysfunctional step family dynamics seen here?
Side note: My parents own a disney timeshare thing and I've gone there most years since I was little. We've also gone alot with her since ODS was young. But it was different at the time because I was a really young parent and single. Now that I'm married and have my own family we want to go on our own (paying our own way not using her timeshare) sometimes. How do I explain that we want to go on trips on our own sometimes to there? I've tried bringing up that she could bring just my brother and his kid sometimes or she could go with just her boyfriend but she didnt seem to take the hint.
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I had a non relationship with
I had a non relationship with both my parents, they were both narcissists and were both emotionally completely illiterate, and I suffered extreme emotional neglect as a child. As a result I married a narc with Asperger's first time around. Thankfully both my parents passed away some years ago, what a relief. DH and I are currently no contact with his mother and step father as they behaved atrociously to us when we were last staying with them in Spring of 2018.
I do think that I was "trained" by my parents to have no feelings, to not express any needs or wants and to not consider my own self or feelings as having any importance. I have in recent years (last 5 yrs or so) started to change this, and these days I don't allow anyone to treat me badly any more, including my step daughters.
I never felt very cared for
I never felt very cared for or heard by my parents either. My mom can be very manipulative/passive aggressive (usually overly nice/weak on a surface level though) to get her way and I've wondered about if theres some narcissism there also, but again I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge really.
My ODS dad was abusive and I'm pretty sure actually sociopathic - he has a pretty long rap sheet and has been in jail or prison about 2/3 of the time since I broke up with him and hasn't made any attempt to see his son in 4 years. I feel the same as you that i was trained not to Express feelings and to cater to others at the expense of my own needs and that probably led to ending up in that relationship.
My mom isn't toxic but she is
My mom isn't toxic but she is.... possessive?... of all of her kids.
She takes sharing holidays hard. She cried when she found out my ex was moving across the county and that meant she wouldn't see my kids all summer. It is out of love but SUPER annoying sometimes. After all, DH wants to spend some of the holidays with his family and my kids deserve to spend time with their dad. We used to do big family beach vacations but since my kids are older they want to do different things and I do too. My sister is already having this struggle and her and her BF aren't married and no kids.
I just had to get a little mean and tell her that it's not about her. Christmas winds up being sensory overload for SS19. We are doing Christmas Day at my house. She can still do Christmas Eve. Thanksgiving is spent with DH's family. We do vacations without them. I mention we are going somewhere but I don't invite them.
It was hard to do at first and she got mad at me, but at the end of the day, even though I am super close to my mom, my husband and kids are the ones that I am responsible for emotionally. Not my mother. It is fine now, just a rip the band-aid type thing!
I'm sure it is a rip the
I'm sure it is a rip the bandaid off thing. I'm sure it's not gonna go over well at first though. Just telling her I didn't want ODS going to Sunday school anymore (she used to take him and taught his class) was a huge ordeal and it took awhile for her to fully accept. A little while after he stopped going she tried to guilt trip me into letting him go by saying the pastor had bought something special for himself specifically for their christmas play so he needed to be in it - she clearly hadnt wanted anyone to know that he wasnt going anymore. I guess the church going image was more important that ODS being freaked out by some of the religious stuff.
Yikes. Her image
Yikes. Her image as a nice church lady with a cute grandson coming before your parental right to determine your child's values and choice to participate in organized religion or not. Charming! I can see where she would be controlling on the Disney thing but there is nothing saying that you have to even tell her that you are going. Just make your own plans and go. You are under no obligation to stay at her timeshare or go as a "pack" with other family members just because they happen to have a place there!
My mother had me at 17. She
My mother had me at 17. She was perfection, pure perfection. If I could gather a list of the best qualities in a mother...she would far exceed that list. I can't even find the words to even begin to tell you all what a wonderful mother I had...there is not one single thing I can even rack my brain to think of that was not good about her.. Sadly, she died when I was 22.
This SM blended family thing hits me so hard and horrible b/c I have never experienced drama or hardship in my life...EVER until now. EVER! I was a happy person, my life was always easy and things seemed to alwasy work out for me....I alwasy felt like I had crazy good luck that just followed me around.....I was so optomistic and friends used to admire my outlook on life...I never experienced stress, anxiety or any sort of depression or sadness.....
And then after 36 years on the planet.....living a pretty great and full and happy life....here I am in a living hell for the last few years. This is all so foreign to me.....the drama...the chaos...the stress......I hate it and I'd give anything to go back to my normal.
So NO my relationship with my parents didn't lead me to this shit.......but quite frankly....my DHs relationship with his family and ex wife more than likely is now contributing.
While my own mother shows
While my own mother shows signs of being a narcissistic mother, I’ve read and learned more about it and have chalked it up to her having a stunted maturity. She does alienation and was successful with me from my dads family and she is heavy on the “I am your MOTHER” and choose me over them mentality but I’ve learned narcissistic mothers alienate in a malicious manner—to win so to speak whereas my own does it in a desperate attempt to feel value and not feel alone or be the outcast. Spite doesn’t motivate her, fear does. In any case we’ve learned to play noncommittal parts in her grievances against our dad.