BM blocking contact with step-children
My step children are 11, 12 and 16. They all have cell phones. My husband and I generally talk to the kids daily via their phones. The two younger kids cell accounts are thru their BM & the teen with us. Recently, we discovered that BM blocked the two youngest cell phones from making & receiving calls/texts from my husband and I. We only talk to the BM via email since we have a restraining order against her.
Not sure how to address this. The kids are too scared to ask their mom why she blocked us. We have been having to call the teenager all the time now when we need to talk to the younger kids (we manage the teens cell so she can't block us there).
Any suggestions on how to handle this in a mature manner? I think it's pretty disturbing that BM would block their own father from their phones. What if they needed us for an emergency??? We have week on week off schedules. Thank you!
How do you know you are
How do you know you are blocked? Why all of the sudden, do you think? Did something happen that's caused her to do this? (Not blaming you guys, just wondering if there is court action or some other thing that's making her feel out of control).
This is a common way of one parent interfering with the other one's communication with the children.
We know we are being blocked
We know we are being blocked because two weeks ago, the youngest came home and said "I was wondering why I didn't hear from you and daddy and when I looked at your contact info it said you and daddy were blocked so I unblocked it". We were able to communicate then. However, last week, BM obviously found out the 11 year old was smart enough to unblock the phones and so she blocked both my number & my husband's number via the phone company and now when they try and call or text us or vice versa it says it failed due to restrictions on the phone. They can call and text anyone else, but us.
The BM is always looking for ways to upset us. She is mentally unstable and thus, we have a restraining order against her. She cannot come anywhere near us or contact us other than email. It has kept her craziness at bay with the order, until this, which is her only way to try and upset us. It sucks because it affects the kids more than anything.
Does she respond to legal
Does she respond to legal action? Some do, some don't. Some ramp it up, drag the kids in, make the kids lie for them, etc, and it that case, it's not worth it to take her to court.
If you think she won't take away any phones you give them, then just give them one to share for contacting you guys. Avoid court if you can. It tends to bring out the worst in people and put kids squarely in the firing line.
Some questions?
1. What do you mean my husband and I talk to the kids daily? Are you calling? Knock it off, talk to them on your DH's time
2. Does his court order provide for daily calls?
3. Some would say 11 and 12 are borderline age for cell phones. Can DH call on landline?
We are very close with the
We are very close with the kids and have an excellent relationship with them. We do not call them unless it is something urgent. They text us daily and we reply or if they need us they will contact us. Now, that line of communication is cut. The BM often forgets to take pick them up from school and so it was nice that they could call us or any other time they needed us. It's not like we are calling them constantly while it is BM's time. She is mentally unstable and so we like that the kids can reach us when they want to.
Court order says that there needs to be an access to the kids. I mean, I guess we have access thru the teenager, but what if he is not with them at the time. We only communicate with the BM thru email per the restraining order we have against her. There is no landline.
I agree 11 & 12 is borderline for cells, but BM got them for the two youngest when they were 9 & 10 so they've had them for a while. They actually have come in handy when they have needed to get a hold of us.
Any other suggestions? Thanks
DH needs to get CO clarified
As to how many times per week. And I really doubt that "we" will get access to the kids.
Honestly, the court order
Honestly, the court order doesn't say anything about how many times per week. It's vague. Just says there needs to be a way to contact them. We prob should have it updated, we just have never had a problem getting a hold of the kids or them getting ahold of us so this brings up a whole new issue.
We thought about adding a line and cell that we manage and let the two younger kids share it so they can use that phone to get ahold of us if need be and if we have the account, she can't block us from it. Only thing that sucks about that, is that they would then have 3 cell phones just for the two youngest. Seems weird. But maybe it would work.....
As long as its not intruding
As long as its not intruding on the other parent's time, I don't see the problem with talking every day. I would never tell my daughter she can't talk to her father. Now if we are eating dinner or something then she will have to call him back. But I think a call a day is appropriate. I'm in my 30s and still talk to my mom every day.
Anyway, I like the idea to just add another line onto your plan for the 2 younger kids. You're right, it is weird but if she's not going to let them use the phones she got them to speak to you, then I would just get them a phone myself.
Second thought - what about wifi? We talk to SD on messenger a lot so the kids can video chat.
Wow
They are using the kids to harass BM. This is nonsense, for the most part they should be talking to them during dad's time. BM may take the cell phones away if they keep pushing her. Easy fix.
"They are using the kids to harass BM." WHAT ???????????????
""They are using the kids to harass BM." WHAT ???????????????
Wait ..WHAT? where do you get that from? A father is contacting his children..... wait a minute scratch that from what OP said the kids contact their father and OP so how is OP and DH harassing BM? It is harassing for a parent to contact a child? or for a child to contact a parent?
Google Voice... (or some
Google Voice... (or some other virtual phone app). You can set yourself a new phone number that rings to your own phones.
I'm sure there are other communication apps that won't be impacted by a call block too.. whatsapp? (I haven't used it)... Even FB messenger etc...
Of course, directly dealing with BM.. perhaps setting or allowing to some limits... fine.
But, there are ways to get around her blocking you.
Oh yeah, that reminds me, OP
Oh yeah, that reminds me, OP - you can get "burner" numbers that mask your number with a different one. DH used to do that to get SS to respond so he could see if he was blocked. BM never did block DH, but she might as well have, since SS ignored every attempt for years.
Just text the kids rather than call so they will know it's you.
OP should not be hounding the kids on mom's time
That is disrespectful of mom's parenting time. Dad needs to get his CO to address time, and HE can use it.
Uh, no. Mom needs to not
Uh, no. Mom needs to not block the child from talking to the other parents, literally BLOCKING them. Only you would think that is OK. If the father blocked the kids from speaking to the mother, you'd be yelling about it.
There is no such thing as other parents plural
There are TWO parents, and the mom is one. The SM has NO obligation to support the kids.
As I said she needs to back off, and Dad needs to get dates and times in the Court Order. And if the ex were me, and it more SM talking to the kids, I would say the time is not needed for DAD.
So you would block your kids
So you would block your kids from choosing to call their father and stepmother if they want to, and only allow their father to speak to them at designated times. And you would be just fine with your ex doing the same to you?
No Reason for SM to be calling kid every day
Of couse mom can block her. This is crazy. Dad needs to get ad day/time schedule. I gurantee you, if we were sitting down to dinner, and one of my kids was talking with SM, I would tell him time for dinner. And if DD did it more than once, the phone would get taken away, at least for a time.
There is one-sidenesses on this board. Many times, people complains that dad calls his kids too much, and are supported. But if SM wants to talk to her stepkids every day, that is OK?
Of course you would block
Of course you would block your kids' stepmother AND THEIR FATHER and not see that as a problem.
No, I have repeatedly said DAD needs to get days and times in CO
You cannot expect to constantly eat into other parent's time. And SM needs to back off on mom's time.
You'd be fine with your ex
You'd be fine with your ex blocking you on your kids' phone?
I would never have my DH talking to my kids on Ex's time
Unless of course an emergency (a real emergency, like I am in the hospital). Daily calls are a lot, and it seems that OP is pushing the envelope.
Please tell me why OP needs to talk to the kids.
Answer my question: you'd be
Answer my question: you'd be fine with your ex blocking you from your kids' phone?
Because that's what's happening here, the FATHER is blocked from speaking to the kids, and they are not allowed to call him either.
You are focused on the SM only, and you still haven't answered my question. You think it's fine to block your ex from the kids' phones, or for him to block you?
If the ex cannot block the SM without blocking dad
Then so be it. If she uses her DHs phone to text or call the kids she needs to agree to knock it off. I haven't acted in the way she apparently does. No, I do not agree with blocking phone of other parent, provided calls are at reasonable times, etc.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear your
I'm sorry, I didn't hear your reply over all the CRICKETS chirping.
Of course you wouldn't be OK with your ex blocking YOU from your kids' phones.
I would not be OK with it
But I do not abuse it. That is the problem when you step over a line, you can get knocked down.
ETA -- I have not blocked ex or his wife. But she never calls. If a call came in from her phone, I would suspect either ex seriously ill or he lost his phone
BM is 100% in the wrong for
BM is 100% in the wrong for blocking the children's father from their phone. There is no ambiguity and no court in the world would support her doing that if he is only talking to them ONCE a day.
BM can put on her big girl panties and ask her ex to stop intruding if she feels that's an issue. But once again, you are defending an alienating mother and blaming the father for the alienating mother's inappropriate, abusive actions towards her children.
You are defending a wackadoodle SM
Who wants to call her stepkids every day, even while at moms.
They can both bond with the kids on Dads 50/50 time. I think by intruding on HER time, they are alienating.
I'm talking about the FATHER,
I'm talking about the FATHER, not the SM. I don't care if SM speaks to the kids or not. But you are ONLY focused on the SM, when the FATHER is blocked from speaking to HIS children.
I read the post as the SM and the FATHER calling the kids TOGETHER.
Yeah, there's no reason SM
Yeah, there's no reason SM needs to speak to skids daily but their FATHER should be able to get ahold of them and I think one call a day to/from the FATHER is very reasonable. I don't speak to SD at all when she is at BM's, unless we do a video chat for the kids and I happen to be there.
How do you know that it was
How do you know that it was abused? There was no mention that BM had previously informed her DH that there were too many calls or that they were happening at inconvenient times... it was just a ghosting for no apparent reason.
Oh.. please.. Daily calls are
Oh.. please.. Daily calls are NOT a lot. Parents are parents.. even when they don't have custody. They still love their kids and they can still have a daily impact on their lives.
Quick text/call in the AM to wish the kid a good day in school.. quick exchange after school to see how their day was... ask about projects/sports/etc... All fine.
The other parent is NOT interacting with that child every moment of their custody time... it isn't infringing on "their time" as long as it's done in a respecful way... not during meal times (kid should not have their device at the dinner table.. so that shouldn't even be an issue). Not excessively long in nature... Most of my DH's interactions were just a couple of minutes.. or brief texts.. even quicker. Kid's need to learn good phone ettiquette and that means if they are doing something with another person.. they don't interrupt to take calls etc.. And if kid wants to contact SM.. that should be fine too. Again. within reason.
I actually think the "set time" communications are a lot more intrusive and difficult to manage.. that means that the custodial parent has to manage it.. plan around it etc.. If it's just a few texts throughout a day? no extra involvement is needed at all.
In fact, most of my DH's communications with his girls was when they were home alone. Their mother left for work before they were off to school... and returned home after they already had come home from school. Him checking in.. asking if they were ready to get to school.. and making sure they were home safely etc.. their mother wasn't there.. no one was.. so how was he infringing on mom's time? she wasn't even there?
Exactly. I don't get the
Exactly. I don't get the obsession with controlling how often the kids speak to the other parent. If it's not an issue, like the parent isn't calling/texting all day in an effort to alienate the kid or intrude on the other parents' time, then let the kid speak to the other parent. Sheesh.
How can you assume not intruding on other parent's time?
OMG, would you run over to the house, and ask the kids if they want to go for a ride?
Of course it has the potential to be intrusive.
How is that remotely the same
How is that remotely the same as calling to ask how school was today?
It is eating into other parent's time
And for SM to do it is crazy.
Where does it say that she
Where does it say that she does it without the father involved in the call?
Oh right, it doesn't.
nothing crazy about a Step
nothing crazy about a Step parent having a relationship with their stepchild that is independent of the one they have with a bio parent.
As long as it's not an attempt at alienating.. or overly intrusive... and I don't even understand the "call to come over and go for a ride".. we are talking about quick "how was your day" type stuff.
You know what? I have a 21 yo stepdaughter and we actually communicate without her mom or my husband's involvement. No.. I didn't call them often when they were with their mother.. but occasionally I did.. if I had to ask a question.. or was checking on them if I saw a weird post on facebook or something. It's not like we were having "your mom is a terrible person" discussions.. I wasn't bending their ear for multiple calls and for lengths of time.
It was appropriate.. it was brief.. it was respectful.. and it was part of a relationship that I had with them.. that was separate from the one they had with their parents.
I mean, I don't like the multiple times a day calls.. "mommy loves you.. you miss mommy? I know you miss mommy.. we are having cake for breakfast today.. oooh I wish you were here we are having so much fun. Is your daddy being mean to you? how about SM... did she yell at you today.. you know you don't have to do what they say." THAT is the kind of intrusion into the other household that is wrong. My DH would actually tell them to clean their rooms if they complained that mommy was mad at them for it being messy..lol.. he backed up his EX on her rules in her home.
So should we ban my SS’s from
So should we ban my SS’s from calling their mother when we have them EOWE? Even though it’s what they want to do & a short call to share their day with her makes them happy? Should we instead tell them & her that it’s intrusive, even though it doesn’t affect us in the slightest when they call her?
Exactly! I can't imagine
Exactly! I can't imagine going a whole week without speaking to my child. And what kind of parent thinks that their child speaking to their other parent is "intruding on their time?" What in the world....
As long as you aren't
As long as you aren't practicing alienating calls... or excessive in time... or timing of the calls being intrusive.. the child having 5 to 10 minutes a day involved in a call or texts with the other parent out of 1,440 minutes in a 24 hour period is NOT intruding in any meaningful way on the other parent's time. Especially as many kids are in the situation my SD's were in.. their parent wasn't even home during the vast majority of their communications. My DH purposefully would call or text when he knew mom wasn't around.. so that she didn't give the kids a hard time.. or try to take the phone to talk to him and ask for money..lol.
In a 24 hour period
The kid may be sleeping 9-10 hours, in school or getting there 7 hours, homewok 1 hour, meals 1 hour. And kid may do sports or other activity on any given day for 2-3 hours.
Depending on situation, it can be intrusive.
Dad needs to get CO, and I doubt it will be as generous as you think it should be. But that is what happnes when OP and DH wear out their welcome.
In this case.. with OP's DH
In this case.. with OP's DH having to get a restraining order against BM.. I highly doubt it is DH "wearing out his welcome" It sounds retaliatory and just being high conflict.
A kid spending 5 -10 minutes a day in communication with the other parent.. or even step parent. is not end of the world and in and of itself isn't intrusive or interfering.
You, yourself, don't want your access to your kid denied.. why do you assume in this case that OP or her DH are doing anything to warrant it? Just by itself, daily contact is not the definition of "overstepping".
"Please tell me why OP needs to talk to the kids. "
"Please tell me why OP needs to talk to the kids."
From what OP said in her post the kids contact her.
So you can try to make those choices about whether or not your kids can talk to SM I suppose if you want to try but someday they will be old enough to make those choices for themselves and you might be very surprised at what they choose.
I find this interesting
A long time ago I posted about blocking BM from my phone (and many step parents have posted about blocking the non-spousal bioparent from their phones) and I got blasted for it. I got told that she should be able to contact me if she cannot get a hold of DH.
Here are my opinions:
-The biological parents should NOT be blocked on the kids phones/communication devices.
-The step parents can be blocked. (Notice I didn't say "should" here.)
-There is no reason to call/contact a kid every day while they are with the other biological parent. It's intrusive.
-This is a reason to call/contact a kid IF they are old enough to handle coordinating something and it has to be worked out ahead of seeing them again AND it doesn't affect the parent they are with.
This is not about ME
Some posters on here have somehow made this about me. This is not about me. This is about the kid's mother blocking their father from contacting his own kids. Court order says that he should always have cell phone access to the kids. By her blocking their dad, he has no way to contact the kids. Today he found out that not only is he blocked, but the kids are blocked from making & receiving calls/texts from their cousins who are their best friends and their aunts and grandparents. This is immature and obviously a means to retaliate towards the kid's father. You want to cut me off? Fine. Whatever. Be bitter. I have a wonderful relationship with the kids and it just makes their mom look bad. She does it to herself. We have a restraining order against her for good reason. The kids love talking to their father via text daily (hi how are you, have a great day, etc). For those saying it is interfering with BM time, I beg to differ. He is not on the phone all day long with them. It's not intrusive. She has the same right and freedom to talk to the kids when they are with us.
He will likely just take her back to court now for this. Thank you to the posters who actually made suggestions. Some of the other people on here are just hateful.
I would have email BM (return
I would have DH email BM (return receipt and view notification activated) and inform her that she immediately will unblock the younger Skids' phones or he will take it to court immediately.
Direct, short and mature. She does as she is told immediately or she gets smacked in court.
Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
First ... I see a mixed bag here
First I see a mixed bag here of comments on how and when a child should talk or text their other parent during shared custody visits while in the other parents home. I read things like "let the child talk to...." " allow the child to talk to .. etc... News Flash!!!!!! A child can talk to their other parent ANYTIME they want no matter what anyone one of us thinks of the BM or the in some cases the father. A parent has the right to talk to their child ANYTIME they want no matter who they are staying with. This "interrupting family time and as long as it isn't intrusive" etc. is ridiculous. A parent always has the right to contact their child anytime day or night. Most kids these days have cell phones of their own so the contact is not intrusive to anyone as the child wants to talk to their other parent.
With that said I would have your DH try contact BM through the email process you use with her. But more than likely I think you are going to have to go through your family court lawyer. I am guessing since you have to have a restraining order against her she is probably not open to a peaceful solution. I think the courts will agree that she can not block their father from their phones whether she pays for the phones or not. She has to allow and provide for their father to have access to talk to them.
As a single teen mom my bride
As a single teen mom my bride had full physical and legal custody of SS from birth. We never called or arranged communication between the SpermClan and SS. They never once in the 17+ years that there was a CO in place did they call to speak with SS. Not once.
He never asked to speak with them. We left that in their court. SS had regular visitation with them from 2yo until he turned 18. Sometimes they took their CO'd visitation. Sometimes they didn't.
I do not think that it is a bio parent's, nor the SParent's responsibility to force contact between the opposition parent and Skids. The parent is the one who should make that contact happen. For sure contact should not be withheld, but.. neither should it be the other parent's responsibility to manage the kid contact for the other parent.
IMHO of course.
I don't think this is about forced contact
I don't think this is about BM having to force contact with DH and SM. I think it is about her interfering and stopping contact which the kids seem to want to have with their father and SM.
BM is this situation is doing none of the things you mention. OP is talking about BM blocking contact.
Interferance should not
Interferance should not happen. I must have missed something along the trail of this thread.
Thanks for the clarification.