You have been post8ng for 7 years how these girls make you miserable and how they effect your mental health.  What you are doing is not working.  Have you tried therapy?   Disengaging might be great for you.  I hope you find peace. 

I'm sorry that you are hurting, at least your husband supports you.

You should have disengaged years ago. They are not your family and they have made that clear.

It's pretty apparent these girls do not consider you in the equation of their lives. So stop considering them. Go find some new hobbies, engage with your friends outside of your marriage, join support groups. Let your DH deal with his tainted offspring while you go live your best life.

Your DH can have whatever relationship he wants with her but she has clearly let you know she doesn't want you in her life.  Time for disengagement.  When someone tells you who they are, believe them.  This woman is 25 years old and acting like a small child.  Your DH loves you enough that he has your back.  Let him deal with her and let him decide whether to go to her graduation or not.  If he feels strongly about not going it is his decision - and the right one.  You asked if you should unfriend her from Facebook.  That would be the first step. Then return her sentiments and don't communicate with her at all.  Not one dime out of your pocket for her.  If she comes to your house she must adhere to 'house rules' or leave.

I'm in the same position as you .  No family to speak of, so we probably put too much importance in trying to be 'family' with someone who has no intention of being family with us.  This could be because we think that 'Step Daughter' implies family.  Many of us have found this is simply not the case.  Instead look to friends and let them be your family.  You have had a rough year - time to pamper yourself.

I'm curious as to why you would even WANT to go to a graduation like this.  Sitting in a miserable seat for hours while people drone along and call out names?  Blechhhh.  I didn't even go to my own graduate school ceremony.  Just send me my diploma please..haha.
 

When you say she didn't "invite" you.. what does that exactly mean.  Were there limited seats?  I can't 100% recall how it worked for me.. so not sure if there are limits.  Was she in charge of organizing something for the family group?

I am not 100% surprised that she didn't invite you since you don't have a positive history from her perspective.  Why again do you even want to go?

I would have packed my DH's bag and told him good luck.. have fun.  Or.. gone with him, but skipped the ceremony or something.

Maybe it's just that I HATE stuff like this so I would have been overjoyed to be given an "out" lol.

Her sister obviously doesn't want to jump in the shark infested waters.. I don't blame her.

(((HUGS))) Julee. I know it's hard when you have given so much just to be excluded in the end. Unfortunately this is a common reoccurance in steplife and you definitely have company on this board and others who are silently suffering.  

The advice I would give is to get some professional help.  You said you are a professional woman, a nurse?  If you work in the medical field you know how important it is to seek help when something is wrong. One on one counseling helped me through extremely difficult times in my life.  Please see someone.  

I feel for your pain but this calls for self-preservation and you really need to disengage, block, cut off, create boundaries, and have nothing to do with them, ever. No expectations or wishful thinking of having anything with these SD’s. Delete/Ghost them from every aspect of your life!

Look at what this doing to your health and no one is worth your well-being. Your H wants to see his daughters he can do so outside the home and you can do your own thing and even treat yourself to a spa if you so desire. Life is too short to be wasting it on people that do not value you. Keep your head up and take control of your life. Keep these non-deserving !@$#% away and live your best life!

Yes, at least your DH has your back.  Personally I disengaged early on (after a year I saw how the land lay) and never regretted it.  I did not attend SD24's graduation 2 yrs ago, and did not regret that either!   My only piece of advice for you is STOP considering these foul young women family and start advocating for yourself more.  They are grown adults and you owe them nothing, especially not when they treat you like a bit of shit on their shoe. 

Do your income or inheritance go to this girl? If so... I would tell her that if she does not want you in her life, no of your money or time will go to her either.

I think talking to a psychologist would be wise — time to heal those wounds and build some strength. Focus on you and find happiness in your life. You deserve it!

So sorry to hear about your mother. 

As it should. And as other posters stated, staying away from social media is best even more so ( and I’m just being honest here) if you’re going to see pictures possibly and the sting feel as though salt it being poured on to it. I know how you feel. And wanting a family is important. But so is your sanity. If SDs can’t respect you just as their fathers wife then you can’t expect much from them anymore. When you were facing failed health and got only a text it shows their behavior. 

Nursejulee, let me give you some sound advice from a bioless SM who was in a very similar position to you about five years ago.

First of all, don’t feel you are over-reacting or need to apologize.  As a caretaker, which I assume with your name, Nursejulee, you are, it comes natural to you to be kind and considerate and think of others’ well-being and inclusion.  I fall into that caretaker category too.  There is nothing wrong with being a caretaker, and I still consider myself one.  Despite how some try to make fun of people who are “too nice,” the world would really be a much better place if there were more caretakers around.  However, especially nowadays, you need to become or be a wise, eyes-all opened caretaker; otherwise, there are just too many who will try to crush your soul—and, yes, just because they can sometimes.

If you can learn to become a wise, keen caretaker vs. a I-jump-all-in type caretaker, this will not only suit you well with your SDs, but in your job and with others as well.

1. First rule as being a smart, wise keen caretaker—Learn to recognize BS or shiatsu when you see it.  See it as it is and don’t make any excuses for it.  Yes, it is very rude for your SD not to invite you to her graduation.  You did a lot for her, I’m sure, regardless.  Sure, there is always the excuse "there are only so many tickets," but somehow it seems mom's BF always winds up attending while dad's wife does not. Rude is as rude does.  Don’t keep yourself up at night wondering what you did wrong.  You did nothing wrong.  The be.atch did.
2. Do you realize how few people want to even remotely be caretakers nowadays?!  Not very many.  You are more than worth your weight in GOLD.  Far too many are in it, the world for themselves and their own pleasures.  You are indeed special!  You don’t have to apologize to anyone for being kind and decent and expecting the same in return.  If only everyone was that way, but you also have to recognize that they are not.
3. You need to learn to hold your head up high, vs. looking down at your feet or feeding your own soul with negative ruminating thoughts about how you must be a bad person because so-and-so is nasty to you.  You are older, well-experienced and a loving, giving person.  Not many have it over on you!  Some little “baby” 25 or 27 YO has nothing on you.  You’ve lived a lot more years than them and have experienced vast more.  You know the difference between right and wrong in your heart and in what you have experienced.  Don’t let some “baby” tell you you suck.
4. Get mad!!  For God sakes, permit yourself to get mad!!  You have every right to be pissed and angry.  Don’t let anyone minimize this, especially since it appears you have been putting up with this type of shiatsu for years.  Remember, and I know this is very hard for a caretaker to believe, but there are people out there who will try to go after you and crush your soul just because they can.  DO NOT let them.  If you don’t want to directly confront SD, then, yes, disengage.
5. Never believe the BS sayings regarding how SMs are supposed to suck it up and take it, take the high road, put up with it for the love of their DH, etc.  I can assure you, as a sociologist, in any other situation than with a SM, many of these things some insist that SMs have to do to be a “good SM” would be considered flat-out abuse or enabling.  For example, a SM is expected to cook and clean, etc. for someone else’s children with no thanks or pay!!  Cripes!  In any other situation that’d be considered contending with abuse for sure.

Since this is already getting long, below I’ll fill you in on what I went thru and the conclusions I’ve now come to.

Julee, your post has taken me back and has a lot of triggers. We are very similar.

I can imagine the pain you're in, especially given how close this all is to one of those black days many of us have etched on our personal calendars. Hopefully you'll be able to record another important day - the day you stopped avoiding, looked reality straight on, and accepted the truth of your situation.

I wasted years pretending, avoiding truth, and hoping that one day my SDs would want me. The truth was always in my peripheral vision, but I was too afraid to face it because it meant accepting that the family I had joined and invested so much in didn't love me and never would. Like you, I was 18 years into my marriage, no bio family worth speaking of, and terrified of being all alone in the world when I finally had enough. That day is one etched on my inner calendar because it was the day I stopped smoking the Hope Pipe and playing the Someday game.

When skids are younger, it's easier to make excuses for bad behavior, so I basically strung myself along. Someday, when she's older...; someday, when she has kids of her own...; someday, when she's matured.... There's often a lot of pretense and social artifice in stepdynamics, with everyone "just playing nice" most of the time. And there's often pressure to go along with the way things are, even if that means SM's needs are ignored, because everyone else is happy. I catered to everyone else and ignored bad behavior, until I just couldn't any longer. 

Julee, I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. You will be okay, even without family. There is nothing more freeing than facing facts, accepting What Is, and living an authentic life. I stopped participating in the dysfunction, and started living for myself. My DH was upset initially, but ultimately chose our marriage over his toxic family. He is completely free to have whatever relationship he chooses with his daughters, but without me acting as buffer and doing all the work, he soon saw them for the greedy, damaged women they are. We are all adults (SDs are in their 30s), and adults get to choose, so I chose to stop offering up my self and my wallet for mistreatment. 

I know I will likely outlive my DH, and will likely be alone. But I've learned there are many, many women just like us, many options for how to live our lives, and I'll be okay. Living in truth has chased my fears away. Once I stopped putting all my energy into DH's people, I made some wonderful new friends - people who treat me with consideration and loyalty. Several of us have discussed living communally when we are older, too.

You're about to embark on a messy, beautiful personal growth spurt, Julee. A lot of things will change and there will be some upheaval, but you'll come out stronger and better off. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  My own mom was killed 27 years ago and it still hurts unexpectedly when I hear some specific song or other trigger that reminds me of her.  Therapy does help if you can find someone who understands grief.

As for your SD, yes it is hurtful especially since you gave your heart and resources for so many years.  But, now that she has expressed her real self, please think of it as a new day, a release!  This reflects on her, not you!  Your DH supported you and that’s huge!  He can continue to have a relationship with his daughter but it doesn’t have to involve you.  He will have to deal with his own feelings regarding her behavior.

This is a new day.  You do have family:  a loyal DH and a great fur baby.  

Wishing you all the best as you grieve through the anniversary date.

OP---i am going to blunt.

NOT mean but blunt. Here is goes....You wrote:

 I’m sad my husband is having to do this because I am sure he feels conflicted. I told him he could go and I would have no issue with it. I truly need some real advice----

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men are the most amazing of our genders in many respects. They are simple (NOT SIMPLE MINDED). Unlike women who hash then re-hash, twist and turn stuff to death.

Your husband isn't conflicted OR he would not have said what he did. Men are not wishie washie like we can be. They compartmentalize stuff. ie. kids have historically treated wife like garbage. Your dh has had enough and thinks.. NOT ONE MORE DAY. "done" next???

Also, all of this stuff that is coming from his kids,  IS the foundation their mom gave them years ago. Now as older teens and adults they have taken over where mom cant.

Let me tell you...I am a bm, my x remarried. IF IF IF my kids ever treated their step mom like your sd kids treat/talk to you---I would have had a meeting with EVERYONE to put my kids back in check. In front of their dad, in front of their sm with my now dh by my side.   I promise you it would have never happened again. Not on my watch.

Let me guess, I bet your bm has remained silent on the atrocious behavior and actions of her charming cherubs.

I would suggest giving dh a huge HUG and pass him his favorite cocktail when he arrives home. Thank him for sticking up for you.----say nothing more. LET HIM be a man and your husband.

JMO of course.

I would attend the gradaution with your DH if I were you.  Most universities have open seating for those attending.  SD will have zero ability to exclude you if that is the case.  So go at your DH's side.

If SD or any of her family take issue, that is on them.

 I do not tolerate rude, manipulative, hurtful behavior.  I confront it.

Live your life, enjoy your marriage, rub their noses in your happiness. Living well is the best revenge.

So live well and exact your revenge.  Let them flip out over their issues.  Do not let them prevent you from enjoying your place at your DH's side.  No matter where that may be.

Ugh, being a step is the hardest, loneliest, and most stressful thing sometimes! Disengaging is not easy, and when you’re a good and thoughtful, empathetic person, it just goes against everything that you are as a person. I finally told my husband I had no choice but to distance myself out of self-preservation and I had to stop being the one putting forth all the effort and getting zero in return. 

I didn’t unfriend them on social media, but I unfollowed them on FB so I don’t regularly see their posts, which helps. I will always be cordial to them, but I will not go out of my way to attempt any closeness. I’ve had countless instances of being left out, ignored, not thanked or appreciated, or acknowledged for the things they know I do for them. Xmas gifts are always met with, “thanks dad” when I do the shopping. I’ve spent so much money over the past 20yrs buying them things that they rejected, plans that they backed out on, etc.  Too bad your SD doesn’t make the connection that her support doesn’t just come from her dad - financial or otherwise.

Unless they’re horribly rude, you don’t necessarily need to leave when they come over, but create some space when they do. I usually hang out in another room, have my own conversations, and let them see me enjoying myself - it’s good for them to see that you’re unaffected by their presence or lack of presence in your life. That indifference is noticed, believe me! You should understand though....they’ll likely respond by pulling away any shred of anything loving they were showing you. 

Whether it’s your husband or other SD, probably even other family members too, you likely fee like no one has your back. Maybe they do at times, and maybe a lot of times they just don’t know what to do.

I finally told my husband a few years ago that I blame him for much of the way they’ve acted over the years. He had a responsibility as a parent to correct them when they were acting this way, and he never did. His not having my back was also not acting in a way to raise good, respectful, empathetic children.  I’d say the same about his ex too. They’ve both indulged, spoiled, coddled, and entitled them. 

My own kids aren’t perfect, but they’re sure as h*ll have those qualities as human beings. I’m proud of that. Not proud of what my own kids had to live with in that mess, but I know they get it. We’ve talked about it and I’ve apologized many times for the things I couldn’t or didn’t change. I’m ashamed of that, but thankfully they’re forgiving souls.

I don’t get updates from or on my SD’s and in the safeness of this space I can say I don’t love that feeling of disconnect. I’m a successful manager in my profession and my job requires an ability to build and maintain strong relationships with others. I’m good at that too, so why I can’t make it work in my personal life is beyond me.

Like you, a major surgery and complications didn’t matter to them. No calls, texts, visits, cards. Never any gifts or acknowledgement of birthdays or anniversaries. But, they sure expect it!

Hang in there and you decide what makes you happy, then make it happen. Honestly, if I could’ve seen the future and how it would unfold, I wouldn’t have married my husband. He has let me down in more ways than this. I suppose I’ve even become more indifferent to him too, but that’s another book, lol.

Keep smiling and just know there’s likely some jealousy at play, and deep down they’re still little ones in some ways. They were probably never helped to get to the point of realizing that it’s ok to open their hearts to you too. Loving you doesn’t discredit or negate their love for their mom or their dad. 

PS - pfffttt with that college graduation, btw! I’d just say how hurt and disappointed you are to not be invited, and move on. Your indifference will eat her up, for sure!

Your indifference will eat her up, for sure!

That is so true. Like you, I'm a caregiver and have too big of a heart. My SKs have made my life miserable for over 30 years. I tend to forgive (too easily) and let things go. Finally, after all these years, I disengaged. The ex and the adult Sks think I'm the aboslute worst now as I did not invite my 15 year old SGS on my ONLY vacation of the year. He hates me and was taught to do so. But, remember this.....we have taken care of all of them for years and forgot ourselves in the process. 

I'm so very sorry for all the pain you feel, but disengaging really does help. It is difficult for many of us who are caring and senstive individuals. But, come on here for support. All the feedback I've recieved from the folks here has greatly helped me when I felt like I wanted to end the disengagement. My mental health has improved, I feel empowered and no longer have to deal with their tremendous disrespect. My DH has no backbone and avoids conflict (many men do)--so, that is usually one issue where marriage counsleing can help. I wish you happiness and peace.