(Trigger) Abuse by SS14
I can't believe I'm writing this. DH has forbid me from talking with anyone in my real life about this, other than the authorities involved. So I am writing here to get some perspective and clarity. I have discussed with my parents, despite DH's "warning" to me; I was willing to go against DH's wishes because I needed the support... and also a place to stay (I'll explain more below)
A few weeks ago, my toddler (LO age 4) disclosed that he had been sexually abused by his older half-brother, SS14. The extent of it seems to be grabbing, touching and discussing what teen boys often do with their private parts. I was in disbelief at first. I took LO to the pediatrician, who confirmed what LO disclosed to me (using drawings, anatomically correct dolls, age-appropriate conversation). After we got home from the appointment, I informed DH of what LO4 reported and the pediatrician's requirement of filing an official report. We now have protective services involved, and they have since interviewed LO.
DH is furious with me for bringing LO to the doc. I apologized for not discussing it beforehand with him. I asked if DH would have been in agreement about bring LO to the doc, and he said no, and that he would have forbid me from going. I suspected as much, which is why I brought LO on my own.
Life has been a living hell with DH. I had to take both LOs away from the house last week while SS14 was visiting, per the recommendation of protective services, so that LO and SS would be separated. My parents know and thus I have other places to stay and their support. This week, SS14 will be told of the abuse claim and interviewed by authorities. DH has berated me nonstop, saying that I have ruined SS14's life, that he as the father could have handled this, that no one can tell him how to raise his kids, and that if SS hurts himself (history of depression), that it will be all my fault. Further, he claims that our LO was probably lying and that I more than likely made it all up (as in coached LO) to get rid of SS.
I have stayed surprisingly calm. I have not engaged other than to say that SS needs help, that I never wanted to get rid of him, that I am scared that SS relationship with LO will never be the same, and that I think SS needs help on many levels, this issue being primary. I have also remained firm that DH and I are not equipped to handled this ourselves; we need outside help.
I understand that DH is hurting and scared, hence my efforts to stay calm and not tick him off further. I believe DH knows that SS needs significant help and has for years, and that he feels guilt for not addressing other issues in the past, such as inappropriate comments, odd behaviors, and bullying by classmates. I think that DH is lashing out at me, as he has always done, when he feels guilt or shame.
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before?
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Comments
Your DH is a fool and a shit
Your DH is a fool and a shit father. Covering up sexual abuse in a family is loathsome and your son will hate him AND his brother for it.
You need to keep your babies the hell away from them.
I can't agree more with
I can't agree more with Beebeel. I am in shock that your husband wouldn't want your child checked by a doctor for abuse if it was EVER suspected.
I have been preaching the importance of marriage this morning but this is where the line in the sand is for me. FORBID you from seeking help?? FORBID you from contacting the authorities to keep your child safe?? F&%$ that noise.
I would have taken my bios and left to my mother's and not come back. There is no way. I would make sure that CPS and the police know that your husband wanted sexual abuse covered up. I would make sure that he only had supervised visitation of my kids and that they were never in the same room with SS again- EVER.
What does BM say about this?
OMG, move out immediately.
OMG, move out immediately. Your DH is willing to put your little one in danger to protect his older son. CPS could (and should) remove your younger son for you and DH not taking action to protect him from his brother (if you hadn't). And sooner or later, SS14 will molest another child.
This would be a total dealbreaker for me, and one that included nothing but supervised visits for DH.
Yes... sort of
I just wrote a response about this.... if DH does attempt to bring SS into the house, then I will either call the authorities, or remove LOs for the exact reasons you wrote above. There can be no contact despite what DH wants and thinks he can handle.
Been there, lived that
The difference in my case was that my husband supported me, even though it meant SS went to state treatment & we rarely saw SD (different BM). In the end, we ended up with custody of my SS after treatment because his BM was worthless in getting him the treatment he needed.
Yes, the abuse was reported in our case & I don't regret it. I don't think my husband regrets it either.
Yes, this - he should WANT
Yes, this - he should WANT his older son to get treatment, not to sweep it under the rug.
Clarification
Just as a point of clarification, the boys have not seen each other since LO reported it, and I have told DH that it's not going to be possible for the forseeable future, unless its under strict supervision. DH has also been warned by social services that in addition to it being common sense to separate the boys, that he and I could also be charged with neglect if we allow it. So he has been told on multiple fronts what his responsibilities are.
Despite that, DH is trying every which way to have contact be allowed. Including trying to wear me down. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I am disgusted.
I called the attorney that I met with a while back, and I have a meeting with him next week - Wednesday is the earliest opening he has. Basically, what I need to find out from this attorney is if DH and I separate, what are the chances of requiring DH to have supervised visitation, such that he doesn't allow SS14 and LOs together. I typed everything up in an email to the attorney, and I'm hoping that despite his busy schedule this week, he might be able to give some quick feedback.
Maybe I should call around for other attorneys? I really like this one, and he has all my background history from my last meeting with him, so I'd prefer to stick with him.
I’m so glad you’ve contacted
I’m so glad you’ve contacted your lawyer. Your H’s behaviour is beyond disturbing & he’s made it exceptionally clear that his loyalties lie in protecting his older son.
I’m so sorry you & your LO’s are going through this. Your SS needs help, I’ve got no words for your H. He’s a horrible father and I pray you get supervised visitation.
If your attorney is busy it
If your attorney is busy it is good and bad.
Good- He has clients so he is worth something
Bad- He may not be able to get you what you want/need right away.
If you are comfortable, stick with him, but it wouldn't hurt to get another consultation or 2.
"Despite that, DH is trying
"Despite that, DH is trying every which way to have contact be allowed. Including trying to wear me down. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I am disgusted."
As you should be. My own mother made me face, and spend time with, my stepfather after everything came out that he had molested me for years and the authorities were involved. I have never forgiven her for that and she's dead now. Stay strong. Your husband is disordered, to put it mildly. He will continue to wear you down but you need to stay strong. Rely on others like your parents for support. It would be a tremendous gift for them to help you through this.
Wow, what an ass.
Wow, what an ass.
This is disturbing as heck. I
This is disturbing as heck. I am so sorry. I don't think you can remain married. Your husband is putting your whole family at risk. I can't believe he is mad that you took your son to the doctor. Stay with your parents as long as you need to. They seem supportive.
Why is your DH so adamant to
Why is your DH so adamant to keep these kids together minus adult supervision. It reads like your DH is trying to perpetuate this...that's worse than SS abusing your son.
Your H is a piece of work and
Your H is a piece of work and glad that you took your child to be checked by the Pediatrician. I can't imagine why your H would berate you when you did the right thing. You were protecting your child and what H needs to do is get his son seen to see if he's been sexually molested. Kids tend to re-enact what has been done to them so there is no telling what SS14 may have experienced that he's doing it to his baby brother. What exactly did your H have in mind by taking care of it himself? He's sacrificing the wellbeing of his youngest child by not addressing SS14.
You have not ruined SS14's life, your H is by not stepping up and handling this very disturbing situation. I can't imagine your marriage surviving this. Please think hard on how you want to move forward and thank goodness you have your parents that you can fall back on until you get yourself together should you choose to leave this marriage. Protect your babies at all cost!
Now, I can see how your
Now, I can see how your husband might have wanted to know so that he had a chance to do some investigation on his own and potentially get some help for his son without escalating it immediately to the legal system and getting his kid a "record".
But, his response indicates.. he would have attempted to sweep it under the rug.. so you did the right thing.
Your husband is deep in
Your husband is deep in denial and good for you in not colluding with his refusal to accept what has happened. You are NOT ruining your SS's life, this is crap. You are protecting your child. Pls keep us updated and use this site for support in your journey from here on.
Although I have experience of abuse cases in my professional life, only one in my personal life. My sister in law's younger sister was married to a man who abused her two children. He was their step father. She was told by social services that the children couldn't live with him any more. She chose to give them to their bio father and stayed with the abuser! how mad is that? Shakes head in disgust.
Wow Kes, that's some foul sh
Wow Kes, that's some foul sh!t. Hope the kids are doing well and thriving with their bio father.
Your DH is awful
Of course the kids will not have a good relationship. Duh. Thank god you have parents to help you. I hope you can get supervised visiation.
Absolutely well done for
Absolutely well done for protecting your child. Please don’t let your partner manipulate you.
Others have covered
Others have covered everything. Move out ASAP, get a divorce, and make keep SS away from you and yours. Frankly, with his ridiculous UNDER-reaction, I think your 'Dipshidiot'H should be allowed SUPERVISED visitation only.
I must say... with your H's LACK of reaction to what SS did and that he would have handled it himself, it makes me wonder if he was sexually abused by a family member when he was younger and forced to conceal it or not discuss it. Of if he, himself, is a predator. Disgustingly disturbing.
I was wondering if her H
I was wondering if her H could be a predator as well with how he’s reacted. He’s absolutely vile for thinking this is ok.
it makes me wonder if he was
it makes me wonder if he was sexually abused by a family member when he was younger and forced to conceal it or not discuss it. Of if he, himself, is a predator.
Aniki~ my thoughts EXACTLY!!!
I wonder if you can file a
I wonder if you can file a police report against your SS. If so, perhaps the report (along with document fom CPS and the doctor)will be force family court to implement supervised visitation.
Another option would be to file neglect charges against husband. If CPS finds out he's trying to reunite the kids, then they may deem him unfit. That will result in him only having supervised visitation until he jumps through all of the hoops that CPS will toss in his path.
The last option won't work if you are trying to salvage your marriage. Honestly, I don't see how you can stand to look at your husband, much less remain married to him.
Good luck to you and your little ones.
Oh, DO NOT KEEP SILENT. Your family and friends deserve to know what happened so that they can protect their children.
Good Point
I am going to email the attorney about this. Right now, I am in an absolute panic worrying that DH will somehow allow SS14 and LOs to be together without supervision. But if I can file neglect charges, that could enforce boundaries that need to be in place.
ETA: The county law enforcement are already looking into charges against SS, so I *think* that part is coveredd, but I will followup. I think the first step is the interview this week with SS before they can figure out if the actions are chargeable.
The question of "why"?
Why is DH protecting his older son at the expense of his younger son?
Because he's a narcissist and a mysoginist. He cares about appearances to the outside world more than anything. He would rather rugsweep than admit there are issues. He wants to control everything and everyone. Based on appearances, he is tall, good-looking (like a Christopher Reeves), successful in business, from a "well-to-do family". He and his father are used to getting attention and accolades for their successes in their respective businesses. DH thinks this should all translate into deference by me when it comes to our family, and by others when it comes to.... any subject really. He can be incredibly charming and manipulative. Not to give myself a pass on this one, but I fell for his charm early on and it tooks years before I figured out who he was and how he works.
Do not feel shame for falling
Do not feel shame for falling for a monster. They hide their true self under that mask of charisma, sometimes for years. The monster slowly creeps up and when you realize it, you are so entangled it takes time to escape. Escape. Because that is exactly what you have to do.
Possible Abuse in DH's Family
I have wondered about this, but have no proof. I did ask, and DH was "highly offended". So there's that. He's not going to admit anything. There is a chance that someone on SS's mother's side of the family could have done this to SS. But again, unless SS speaks up, we won't know.
Wow.
Given how you describe your H, you really need to have solid ammo against him - vms, recordings etc of him trying to get you to allow your son to be around his abuser. If your H cares so much about appearances, be prepared to use that against him. Gather your evidence, then file for divorce and threaten to expose the ugliness if you have to.
Yep. Your soon to be ex might
Yep. Your soon to be ex might not even try (or want) for visitation, because the thought of things coming to light in court.
My formerSO's son tried to hurt my babyBS as frequently as possible. I gtfo. My formerSO does not see our son (ever) because of this. I 100% would have gone for supervised visitation and he knew it.
Op hubby can’t parent his kid well
If he had handled the parenting well then this abuse would have never happened because its wrong and sickly disturbing.
you have every right to tell your parents of the situation especially if they are nearby that you can get to quickly if there was an emergency and you knew they would help support and protect your little one
its a crime to not report abuse of a child... with the excuse i can handle it myself... friggin ridiculous
next time hubby breaks the rules the police/authorities stated, report him. This marriage is doomed and with what has happened, i don’t see you both being able to get past this. You need to report hubby because in the event this marriage is finished, your child cannot be in the same home as his abuser
The latest comment
DH just phoned me. His latest comment: "I hope that little $hit knows that he's permanently destroyed his family." What a horrible excuse for a father and human being.
I am shaking I am so mad.
Yet another thing to tell the lawyer in my email today, which I hadn't even finished drafting from earlier suggestions.
ETA: DH was referring to our 4 year old. Not the 14 year who abused him.
I'm hoping he was referring
I'm hoping he was referring to SS when he said that not your DS4?! But based on your reaction, I'm assuming it's the other way around. How disturbing...I'm glad at least you've got your head on straight during this sh#$ show
He said this about the 4 year
He said this about the 4 year old?? Never mind his 14 year old who sexually abused his brother, lets blame the toddler. What a POS. I hope your lawyer’s a shark, this guy deserves to get nailed.
EFF THAT. If it were me, I
EFF THAT.
If it were me, I would tell my boss I have an emergency and have to leave. I would head straight to a shark of an attorney and file for divorce. I'm so sorry, Scotty. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
OMG and this is HIS own child
OMG and this is HIS own child too right?
Yes, this is his bio child
DH is the bio father to both SS14 and LO4.
What. The. Hell?????????
What. The. Hell?????????
the 4 yr old is now to blame for being sexually abused by his brother. You need an RO against both of them for you and your children.
Oh, dear Lord. How awful.
Oh, dear Lord. How awful.
Going forward, you should be recording all of your convos.
YES.
YES.
Just make sure it is legal to record without the other person's permission. Different states have different laws on this.
Oh wow... i’m so angry and appalled at that vile comment
a helpless 4 year old who can’t protect himself and sexually abused by a 14yr old half sibling (who should be protecting him), is apparently at fault for all this. I don’T see your 4 yr old ever wanting a relationship with his dad.
get out and stay out and nail hubbys arse in court. Any written communication you have where he told you to not report it, hand to the lawyer, he needs to be held accountable just like his son...
"I hope that little $hit
"I hope that little $hit knows that he's permanently destroyed his family."
And by that little sh!t is he referencing his own YOUNGER child who was defenceless when this happened?? All bets are off I'd have his @ss and he'll feel my wrath unlike ANYTHING he's ever experienced before. Remain strong OP, I know we're all upset for you but in the end I know this is difficult and you are the one left dealing with this.
Wishing you strength!
Thank you
Thank you everyone for the support. It helps tremendously.
This last comment by DH... I am just in shock he would say that about his child...yet I probably shouldn't be that surprised. I am going to take a walk outside so as not to cry in the middle of my office. i have to work until 5 today, but will spend some time finishing the email to the attorney and updating my documentation - there is a gap in between the time I last met with the attorney and now.
You’re doing everything
You’re doing everything correct to protect your child.
Stay strong.
You have a hard journey ahead but you must stay on this path and protect your child.
Your husband can go fuck himself.
Everyone here would gladly tar and feather him for you, in public....just to really show the world who this “charming” ass is.
Just unbelievable DH would
Just unbelievable DH would say that about a 4 yr old. He sounds like a malignant narcissist par excellence, only concerned with appearances and his own reputation. I'm sure he doesn't even really care for SS14, only how it reflects upon him.
Take good care of yourself, my dear. The reaction here will show you how much support you have. Try and muster some support from folks IRL as well. You don't say whether you have any family support on your side of the family. I hope you have, plus a few good friends.
My Family
I have my parents for support, as well as one of my younger brothers. They are a solid source of support. All are fortunately within driving distance. None are within commuting distance to my office or daycare, so if I do move out, I will need to find a place to live. Or somehow convince DH to leave so as to not uproot LOs. That would honestly be my preference but I will leave, of course, if I need to.
I have several very close girlfriends, and I think it's time to let them know what's happening. It's been awful, and felt wrong, keeping this so hush hush.
They always say posession is
They always say posession is 9/10th of the law-I would be very careful leaving the marital home if you want to keep it. YOu've been able to keep the kids apart for now right?
You may need an order or protection for your child from the SS AND his own father-that would get him out of the house. Time to call your reinforcements (friends) for help and support. He's admitted he would not protect his child....should give you what you need.
Yeah, glad you're drafting up e-mail to attorney-hopefully he can get you in sooner.
I would leave. That house is
I would leave. That house is where bad things happened to you child. Start new, start fresh.
I think waiting for an
I think waiting for an attorney you like and respect is fine. You won't gain anythign by filing this week vs next-just gives you more time to accumulate more of his stupidity. Make copies of those screenshots, record any conversations, etc. If it were me I'd be tempted to share with his family that last text he wrote about his own kid.....and his friends- and I would destroy his 'image' business or otherwise.
DH's Family
His parents are more the type to rugsweep and blame the victim. For example, right before the Kavanaugh hearings, before Dr. Fords testimony, they 100% aligned with Kavanaugh. Just on principle because in their minds, it's always the men who are wrongfully accused by the "devious womenfolk", and its the women who trick and seduce men into bad behavior.
So yah, anyone seeing that apple falling pretty darn close to that effed up tree?
OP, don't say anything to his
OP, don't say anything to his family. Let this continue to play out for as long as possible, and record all of your H's poisonous cr@p. It will be solid gold when you ask for a restraining order for your kids. Let him hang himself.
Personally, I wouldnt even consider supervised visitation because that gives him a foot in the door and he can petition for more and more time. Much better to gather evidence that he is a threat to your bios and seek to block him completely. I am a huge Father's Rights advocate, but in your case feel you would be justified in pursuing the nuclear option.
^^All of this. Please make
^^All of this. Please make sure that attorney will nail that lowlife masquerading as a man's arse to the proverbial wall in EVERY way. Supervised or NO visitation, absolutely NO contact with SS, etc.'
Scotty, I don't know how you have tolerated staying married to that POS, knowing that he's a narc and a misongynist. What Hell. Please please please find a therapist/counselor. You need it and your child needs it.
Why I stayed
Good question. I haven't addressed it in this thread (only older ones). I stayed because I didn't trust DH with LOs. He half-arse parents, and I felt that until the LOs were old enough to verbalize any concerns they have, I didn't want them to be stuck in a bad situation without a stable parent. And until now, I was fairly certain that DH would get ATLEAST every other weekend if we separated. I wasn't willing to risk the LOs well-being.
Now... now it's a different story.
My therapist is the main reason I've been able to cope for this long, in addition to friends/familial support.
I will also add, it took me years to understand the dynamic. Gaslighting, deflecting, manipulating, passive agressiveness... I really thought for a long time that I was the one with the issues because he is very, very good at these things. I thought I was the problem, or just confused, or misunderstood....
Your lack of trust was spot
Your lack of trust was spot on, sweetie. And you are NOT the problem. That's what a lowlife POS like him does: undermines our confidence and makes us feel responsible when THEY are the ones who should not be in relationships. EVER.
I swear if I could, I would drop everything and be right next to you, every step. Please do NOT let him talk you into staying. xoxo
Abuse
You need to do whatever you have to in order to protect your child, shame on your husband for blaming you or suggesting any harm his son does to himself is your fault! You should probably leave them both!
Jesus, he really is an
Jesus, he really is an asshole, isn't he?
Hopefully, he won't want to see LO4, if he sees him as the enemy, but being a narcissist, he will fight for it just because.
Blaming a 4 year old victim, his own son, I can't even.
Like Most Others
I am shocked DH wouldn’t want you to bring in the proper people. It’s (I apologize if I’m coming off offensive) a bit of an eye brow raiser. Im more concerned that he wouldn’t want authorities involved. Nothing is you’re fault ! If anything happens it’s not your fault ! While pregnant in 2016 our ODD says “Mami SD kissed me” I honestly at first didn’t think nothing of it. My DD says “many she grabbed my face like this and kissed me and I didn’t like it” I flipped. And so happy my DD told me. I made SD feel so uncomfortable I guess she didn’t come for a year. Best year of my life. Even now, DD knows she can’t have SD in her room. She can only be in the living room What the hell. adults there. And now I make sure my DD is asleep before I go to sleep. And even still I wake up due to the two Los and check on all my girls. So sorry you’re going through this.
JFC.
JFC.
He is attempting to shut down sexual abuse, by silencing you, that happened between a 14-year-old and a 4-year-old.
I hope you nail his and SS’s balls to a courtroom wall.
Oh god, I’m so sorry. You’ve
Oh god, I’m so sorry. You’ve gotten really good advice here, so I just wanted to say that you handled the situation perfectly by going to the doctor immediately. Good for you, following your instinct instead of waiting to consult DH. Stay strong and get the best attorney you can, he sounds like he’ll be a nightmare to deal with.
What a d*ck! I'm so angry for
What a d*ck! I'm so angry for you and your LO. Know that you are doing the right thing.... anything to stand by your LO will be the right thing. I just can't believe a father would act this way.
Oh, and make sure you tell
Oh, and make sure you tell your childcare provider to not release your LOs into DHs hands.... just to be safe.
I'd also follow the suggestion above to obtain a RO against him. Dude is sick.
Daycare can't withhold from a
Daycare can't withhold from a parent without a court order.
OP, you need a court order as fast as possible.
The thing that concerns me is
The thing that concerns me is that your DH has a successful business and comes from a well to do family. Meaning that they have money to try to sweep this under the rug and fight you. I hope there is some way that you leaving and him not seeing the LOs works into the narrative he will present to the outside world. Otherwise, I'd be gearing up for battle.
I would just add one more
I would just add one more thing. You said in response to my question earlier that you hadn't told your close girlfriends yet. Pls tell them now. You do not have to bear this alone. And tell your parents if you haven't already told them. Your husband's admonitions not to tell are probably burned into your brain, but pls break away from this NOW and start telling.
Also, if you have not done so already, read loads of literature on how narcissists operate. Go for the books with 5 stars on Amazon ;-)