To all bio parents judging step parents for failing to love your children and to all step parents who have been made to feel guilty for failing to love their step kids.

You don’t have to love your step kids you don’t owe them your love that is the legal obligation and duty of a bio parent and not a step parent. You only need to treat them with kindness, care and respect and that’s if they earn it.

You cannot inherit the love that someone feels for another person and love is not one size fits all, just because your husband fits into your heart doesn’t mean his child, his mother or his relatives will too. No one should be made to feel guilty for failing to love anyone be it their mother, sibling or relative and definitely not their step child! There has to be a number of strong reasons that make you love someone and the mere reason that they are your husband’s child doesn’t count just as you can’t love your baby daddy merely because he is your child’s father.

There are blood related relatives who can’t stand each other and there are also biological mother/father and child who don’t see eye to eye. That proves it’s not always the biological bond or being blood related that forms love between two people. That is why two strangers are able to fall in love, get married and build a family. You married your husband and not their child! Your duty is to love and cherish your husband and that should be enough for him, you made a promise to love him and not his children. His child comes as a package deal and not as a separate or split choice that you made.

Love is a complex thing, at times you find that a person can be very good and loving to you and can give you a thousand reasons to love them but you are just unable to return their feelings, you don’t feel a connection no matter how hard you try. You appreciate their love and everything but you just can’t bring yourself to have feelings for them. People will most likely judge you for failing to love someone who loves you but there are things we can choose and some things we can’t choose. You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your parents or relatives.

You can control your mind but not your heart. You can’t choose who the heart loves or doesn’t just as you cannot make the heart feel what it doesn’t. Love is not a decision but a feeling and like all feelings they can’t be decided, you cannot decide to feel tired, hungry or to feel sick. You can take a horse to the river but you can’t force it to drink if it doesn’t feel thirsty. You can bring two people together but you can’t force them to love each other.

Being judged for not loving your step child is like being judged for not loving your husband of an arranged marriage. You never chose him and you only choose a person to be in your life if they meet your expectations or the characteristics and personality you like. That is how you choose your friends and spouse, unfortunately you don’t get to choose your step child that is why it can be hard to love or tolerate them, they were not your choice but a compromise and you were not their choice either so it’s perfectly okay and understandable if step parent and step child don’t love each other. I personally don’t expect my step child to love or approve of me and I don’t care if he never gets to love me, it doesn’t bother me, so why should my spouse be bothered if I don’t love his child? When did I ever choose him or make a promise to love him?

THERE ARE MANY FACTORS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO A STEP PARENT LOVING OR NOT LOVING HER STEP CHILD

Are his characteristics desirable to her?

May be he is too talkative and nosy and she finds that annoying. Is he responsible or irresponsible and leaving her to clean up after him? Does he show respect to not just her but to people in general? Is he humble or full of himself and thinks the world revolves around him? Is he honest or he is a bloody liar. Is he strong and brave or an annoying cry baby.  Is he disciplined with good manners? Is he polite or rude? Is he bright and intelligent or dull and dumb? Is his personality boring or interesting?

How does he treat her?

Does he treat you like the most important person in his life or like you are invisible? Is he warm, kind, friendly and welcoming towards you or the opposite? Does he treat you with respect?

How does he make her feel?

If someone makes you feel like the most important or special person in their life it warms your heart and paves way for love. We all want to feel happy, important and special so if someone makes us feel that way it’s hard to not love them. It’s flattering to know you hold a special place in someone’s heart.

Your partner obviously makes you feel special and loved but does your step child or does he make you feel like an outsider and an unwanted intruder, make you feel rejected, unappreciated and of little or no value to him? Does he make you feel good about yourself and does he make you feel free and comfortable around him. Or he makes you feel uncomfortable because you are being scrutinised? Does he make you feel like the most or the least important person in his life? Does he make you feel treasured, valued or he makes you feel like you are nothing? Does he make you feel cared for?

Do you like the person he is?

Do you like his sense of style or you hate the way he dresses and perhaps the way he walks, speaks and carries himself.

What do you mean to him?

Do you even know for certain how he feels about you? Does he secretly love or hate you?  Does he really want you in his life or his father’s? Are you of value and importance to him? Is he looking forward you staying or Does he want you to disappearing?

What does he think of you?

Who are you to him? A friend, a parent or an outsider? Does he think highly or lowly of you? Does he think you are awesome or he thinks you suck? Does he think you are good for his dad or thinks he would be better off without you? You can never truly know what he thinks of you. Some kids can pretend to like you just to please their parent.

Who is he to you?

Is he your best friend? Is he your shoulder to lean on, your comfort, your pillar of strength and someone you can confide in? Is he someone you can share your joy and pain with? Is he someone who cares about your feelings or opinions? Does he encourage or discourage you? Does he feel happy and proud of you or jealous and envious? Does he wish the best or the worst for you? Is he someone who cares what you think of him and do your opinions and feelings matter to him?

Time and affection?

Is he excited to see you? It makes our heart grow warm when someone is excited to see us, enjoys spending time with us and misses us when we are gone. Do you get that from your step child? Does he appreciate your presence and does he enjoy spending time with you or he doesn’t mind if he never has to see you again? Does he care to impress and please you or just his bio parent? Does he give you his attention or it all goes to his bio parent living you to feel invisible? Does he go out of his way to make you feel cared for? Does he care about your happiness? Is he ever excited to share news with you or just his bio parent? Does he share in your tears or happiness? Is he sad to see you unhappy?

Does he know you?

The fact that someone knows you warms your heart, when he knows your favourite colour, your favourite drink or dish, your favourite hiding place and he can guess your opinion or reaction to something. Can he vouch for you?

Loyalty and support?

Your husband or bio child will most likely defend you and have your back. He will shield you and protect you even when you are in the wrong? His loyalty lies with you and you have his support. Won’t a step child easily throw you under the bus and betray you especially if you are in the wrong? Will he not stab you in the back and spread lies about you? Will he quickly forgive you or hold a grudge? Would he choose you over other people? Is he devoted and faithful to you? The step child whose mother is alive is serving two masters at the same time and we all know what they say about that. His loyalty and support will forever lie with his bio mom and not you, no matter how good you are to him or how bad the bio mom is he will always choose her over you.

TRUST?

• Do you trust that he is supportive of your marriage or you feel he would be happy to see it end because he still has hope that his parent’s will re unite or he just doesn’t approve of you and wants you gone?
• Do you trust that he will not form stories or tell lies against you or gossip about you to his mother and your in laws just to tarnish your image?
• Can you confide in him or trust him to be discreet i.e. there is something he knows that you don’t want your husband or anyone to know?
• Can you trust his intentions?
• When he breaks your expensive vase can you trust that it was a genuine mistake and not deliberate?
• Can you trust that he will have your back and defend your honour or he will throw you under the bus?
• Can you trust that he sympathises with you and does not enjoy seeing you in misery?

Trust is the most important quality in any relationship, it is the foundation of love. Where there is no trust love can’t exist. Trust builds and protects a relationship. It brings secureness, peace of mind, hope, faith, certainty and much more.

How then can you be expected to love your step child without that mutual trust and without reason? Do you love your siblings merely because you have the same parents or DNA? The answer is No! That is why there are siblings who actually hate each other.