"I would live to spend some time alone with you"

No "benefits" when skid is around

For whatever reason, some men find it hard to put their wives/GFs ahead of their children after a divorce. 

But you have to speak up for yourself - he can't know you are upset if you don't tell him.  It's perfectly reasonable to want time alone with him on your birthday (and who the hell drags a 6-year-old and an 80-year-old paragliding?!).  When he says, "It's no big deal!" when he invites SD along, say, "It is a big deal to me, I'd like time alone with you."  When he says, "You hate my kid," say, "Actually - I don't.  I just want time alone with you sometimes."  Don't let him distract and confuse.

Please hammer this out before you get married, or I promise, you will be here 6 years from now feeling very bitter and angry about your situation.

the guilt-driven parenting of including step children in EVERY aspect of every waking moment. I understand wanting to make up for list time, but it doesn’t have to include kids. All. The. Time. If it were just BKs in the mix... no one would bat an eye at the parents wanting to “escape” their children for an evening for some alone time as adults. And BMs are given their passes, as they are such dedicated parents and deserve the alone time. And SM is vilified for wanting the same...Doing things like this just entitle children to think they are the center of the universe. And then Daaaddeee wonders why his kids end up like jerks! *scratch_one-s_head*

Wow, so many posters putting this all on the OP and zero responsibility for this on this idiot dude. Now I'm assuming he's in this relationship willingly, he's not being held hostage by her, so as his girlfriend, fiancé, whatever she has the absolute right to not have her boyfriend's kid around ALL. THE. TIME. He's being a terrible boyfriend and I think he'll be hard pressed to find any woman who will put up with this. Damn my kids are my and DH's bios and we want time alone from them sometimes!

OP, you can do better than this dude. You don't need to be third wheel to a child and he likey won't change. Until she grows up, finds her own sucker and ditches him in a minute and he'll wonder why he's alone. He'll probably tell you SD should come on your honeymoon and it will be "no big deal." And he'll definitely want her in the delivery room if you have a baby with him. Not sure I could live like that and I really think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you can. I'm just not sure he will ever get it, and you could waste a lot of your life waiting to see if he ever does.

I dealt with this recently with my DH. He hadn’t displayed any signs of Disney until I got pregnant and slowly but surely the Disney started creeping in. It was awful. Not only was it awful, but the kids very quickly started picking up on the fact they were always coming first & started treating me the same way their dad was - like I didn’t exist & wasn’t important.

It’s taken months to get it through his thick head that what he was doing was not only destructive to OUR relationship, but also to my relationship to the boys & their overall sense of where they belong in the hierarchy of our family. They became more & more selfish & self-centred, which is hardly a desirable trait in any human being. 

It came to a head not long ago & I started throwing examples of how he used to parent them - with the expectation of respect, manners, and discipline, versus how he was now parenting them - allowing them to interrupt, putting them first no matter what (pregnant SM wants to leave but you want to stay? Ok we’ll stay! Pregnant SM can wait), and generally allowing them to call the shots & get away with murder. It went from the 4 of us as a family (now 5) to them vs me, seemingly overnight.

Just like your FH, none of this bothered my DH, because HE wasn’t the one on the receiving end of things. I was. But, unlike what you’re doing by ‘sucking it up’, I stood my ground. Which meant going toe to toe with my DH and telling him outright that it’s not ALWAYS about the kids. They can’t ALWAYS come first if you want to stay happily married, or married at all. 

He said he could see the difference in how I treated them & didn’t want them to resent me, so he was doing more for them as a result. I told him he had it totally backwards. And that my behaviour had changed due to him repeatedly putting them first, and if he didn’t want them to resent me that he should also be considerate of me not resenting them either. If he wants to stave off resentment, they go back to where they belong in the pecking order, which is below me & DH. And they stay there. 

It finally came out that he was worried about how they’d react to the new baby & wanted to ensure they still felt loved. I reminded him that a new baby in ANY family dynamic is a change, and sometimes a difficult one, but that everyone learns to adapt. We can and will do everything we can to make sure they feel included (and we do), but parenting out of guilt is not the answer. Instead it’ll destroy our family & teach them that nobody matters but them. 

Girl, you need to find your voice and be CLEAR to your FH. It IS a big deal to include her constantly. No marriage/relationship can withstand a third wheel all the time & come out unscathed. It’s not possible. Marriages break down all the time because spouses feel neglected after the kids come along, so this isn’t unique to blended families & second/third/whatever marriages. Your partner must be your top priority for your relationship to thrive. Sometimes YOU need to come first, and SD needs to take the backseat. More often than not, actually. It’s not healthy for kids to take that top spot. All that does is raise entitled, spoiled, selfish self centred little brats, who turn into entitled, selfish, self centred adults that no one wants to be around. 

Keep up with the therapy and find your voice. You do not need to take this lying down, and I absolutely would not be getting married to this guy before he proves to you through action that YOU - not his kid - are his priority. Her needs come first - clothing, shelter, education, food - but your wants & needs come before any of her wants, (within reason, of course. Flexibility is important). If you’re always in the backseat your marriage is doomed before it’s even begun. Take care of YOU.

Agree with justj. The paragliding would have been a deal breaker for me I think if that sort of thing happens all the time, it was your birthday, a day for you I and he brought sd. He obviously already had a babysitter in the form of his mother so why didn't he give you your special day. The only reason I can come up with is that you are still in the stage of going along with it all. I did too for the first 2 years but after that I know for a fact sd wouldn't have come paragliding for my birthday because I would have put my foot down and said no. No offence to sd but it changes the whole day when she's around, I said that many times.

You need to start speaking up, think of it this way...you are looking out for your so, your so is looking out for sd and sd is looking out for sd..... who's looking out for you? Only you can do that.

I don't think anything will change though unfortunately but by standing your ground every now and then life might be a bit more bareable for you. Of course you want him to want to spend alone time with you as he should. You'd like him to feel as excited by you as he does by sd. I never found the answer, I left but I hope you do manage to find a way around this but whatever you do if nothing changes know that you are not asking too much and there are plenty of men out there that will WANT to share special experiences with you and only you.

He may not be ready to be in a relationship. Which is fine, but he needs to be able to recognize and admit that, instead of wasting your time.

A 6 yo paragliding?  his Mom.. paragliding?  Your SO doesn't have a lot of sense.  Clearly, MIL and SD should have been left on their own that day to do something fun and more their "speed".

I'm not saying you can't share your BD with a stepkid (my SD actually planned a party for me when she was 8..lol) .. but that activity seems really innappropriate.

If he did manage to have a special "adult only" dinner later.. then I wouldn't be so up in arms.. but just don't think that activity was good for everyone to be there.

Next time, you should clearly say.  "I want you to plan something special for my birthday.. just for the two of us.. plan it for a weekend when SD is with her mom.. even if it isn't on my actual birthday." 

The other stuff, I kind of get his point.  It doesn't sound like she is a particularly difficult kid, but she is still young and most kids have shorter attention spans and can be needy and out of sorts in odd environments.  Nothing wrong with saying..."Hey, SD is great and I enjoy having her around...but sometimes it's nice when we can do adult things.. just the two of us without having to worry about her."

Honestly, I think he needs a better plan in place for emergencies that aren't child friendly.