Nipping it in the bud
I posted several months ago, but things have greatly improved with my DH. But I'm seeing some clouds on the horizon and could use some advice.
DH and I have been married 2.5 years. SS is 8.5 and lives with us 50-50. DH and SS's mom get along for the most part and are able to co-parent with little-to-no drama, which is good. There have never been any problems between the ex and me, partly because while she's lazy and self-centered, she's rational and not crazy. I've been very careful not to overstep and to respect her role and she's made it clear that she appreciates me and my handling of things.
SS and I have always gotten along. We're not super-close or cuddly or anything, but we get along and he's always been respectful of me – moreso than he is with his parents, anyway. Not sure if that's because he's shy and not fully comfortable with me or because I have a more authoratative presence or what. I'm not mean by any stretch, but I know how to be firm.
Anyway, SS is the most spoiled, entitled kid I've ever known. He's the only child and only grandchild on his mother's side. As one of five kids, I'll admit the only-child mindset is one I struggle to understand. It's just so foreign to me. My birthday was last week and since he had baseball, we were just going to do pizza for dinner and celebrate with a real birthday meal on a grown-up-only week (SS didn't know that plan -- we don't share what we're going to do when he's gone). When SS found out we were getting pizza, he said, “I want supreme.” DH was annoyed and said, “We'll get whatever your stepmom wants. This is her birthday, not yours.” SS just looked angry but it blew over fast.
From what I can gather, his mother is very lax with him. No chores. If he puts up a fuss or resistance, she gives in completely or bargains with him. She's constantly buying him things or taking him for treats.
SS can't handle being wrong. Any disappointment sets him off. He can't handle the slightest criticism or correction. If you do correct him, he either gets mad or starts crying. We've noticed that any time he starts crying, his mother and her parents immediately start hovering and coddling. Result? He cries at the drop of a hat. We show empathy, then ignore it to let him work through his feelings. We don't give in.
He's also extremely demanding. When he's not watching TV or playing on his iPad, he constantly wants his dad's attention. Hangs all over him, etc. He goes through baby talk phases, which we ignore. He gets clingy. He gets a lot of time with his dad and I make sure to give them one-on-one opportunities but it starts to drive DH up the wall.
Last week, at bedtime, he picked up the living room throw blanket to sleep with. Well, DH and I use that at night when we're watching our TV shows, so I just casually said, “Hey, buddy, that needs to stay down here.” He threw it down and stomped upstairs looking like he wanted to rip my head off. A couple of days later, I was fixing SS's lunch (he was watching TV) and called him in to help put stuff away. He was very obviously not happy about helping.
He still does as he's told. He's not as openly hostile as others I've read about. But I'm seeing behavior escalating and I'm worried this is all moving in a bad direction. I've seen lots of disrespectful attitude aimed at DH. I've seen MAJOR problems with his mom. (I've seen him hit and kick her, which I think is totally unacceptable in an 8-year-old.) Now it's starting to turn to me as well and I'm picking up on what seems like resentment. I have no say over the others but I do have something to say about how he treats me. I want to try to stop it before it gets too far.
All this bothers DH a lot. He doesn't like it and tries to address it but so far hasn't found a way that works. Any ideas or advice?
He doesn't like it and tries
He doesn't like it and tries to address it but so far hasn't found a way that works.
So what happens, your SS gets away with it? No ramifications for his actions? Throw the blanket down, lose your i-Pad time for x hours? Refuse to set the table, lose all TV time for the night. Etc, etc?
If your DH refuses to address this it will get worse. It did in our home with OSD, almost 16 now. She left our home at 14 and never came back (no rules or responsibility at BMs!). All I can tell you is that I either addressed the behavior directly if SD does it to me directly. I don't put up with it from others either. And if it's directed at DH or in general, DH getst to deal with it or ignore it. You may have to work on some disengagement at this point if your DH is relying on you to solve this.
It gets addressed but nothing
It gets addressed but nothing consistent and nothing that works long-term. DH is pretty quick to jump on behavior. It just doesn't "stick." DH and I are going to sit down and try to work up a game plan this week while SS is at his mom's. I understand SS gets upset and frustrated. Normal. And it's got to be difficult going back and forth and then having to share his dad. I get that. But he needs to find healthier ways to express or work through his emotions.
So far, he's not refusing to do anything. I'd know how to handle that, easy. But when he just stomps or acts angry, it's hard to know what exactly to do. Blatant disrespect I can handle. This sort of grey area "I'm mad and I'm going to show you but I'm not actually going to do anything to get me in trouble" is where I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to overreact. That could just make everything worse.
When a kid is 50/50 and is
When a kid is 50/50 and is getting "opposite day" parenting at the other home.. it just takes longer for things to stick.
I think that you and your DH need to be consistent in YOUR home.. and not get angry.. but just continue to calmly make your expectations known and SS may not "like it".. but he will accept it. I think your DH should be pulling him up short on that "attitude".. throwing things... etc.. not acceptable. That means he has to stop what he is doing and tell you both he is "sorry" sincerely. and further consequence for repeat offenses
This is good!
This is good!
You're right. The split time
You're right. The split time will make it take longer.
That's good advice. Consistency is key. And come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard SS apologize. For anything. I'm surprised I'm just now realizing. I'm usually more observant.
No way
I've had all this behaviour with ss9, he was off the chart self entitlement, and nobody pulled him until this last month. If he throws stuff like that straight to his room plugs pulled on gaming phone taken off him, and he gets a reward chart just like the 3yr old, has to earn his treats. He's already a different child. It's hard but I've realised step mums are entitled to a degree of discipline of what goes on n what's said in their house
Thanks to all for the advice!
Thanks to all for the advice! Yes, consistency is going to be very important here. It's easy to just let stuff slide and not deal with it but so much better in the long run to do the work. DH and I talked about that last night, that if it's bothering us now, it's only going to get worse unless we get on top of it. Now we just need to decide on appropriate consequences to implement so we're not just winging it.
Yeah, SS is a brat with his BM as well, from what we can tell, and she's the one who lets him run all over her. Yet, he has always preferred our house, where we're much more strict and don't lavish him with gifts.
Speaking of BM, DH went on a rant about her last night. They generally get along and work together well, but he gets very annoyed with her laziness and the fact that it seems like she always puts her work first. Taking SS for his annual checkup every other year is a major ordeal. (I have empathy for people with demanding work schedules, but she's a high-ranking, salaried employee who can make adjustments. She just doesn't like to.)
Anyway, she'd agreed to let SS do this certain day camp for a week. Last night, she texted DH because she'd just realized (four months after agreeing to it) that drop-off is later and pick-up is earlier than his daycare. As in, 8:45-4:30 instead of 7:30-5:30. DH's work schedule is flexible and he's usually willing and able to shift things around. So, she wanted DH to adjust the custody schedule for the next few weeks so that we have him that week instead of her. Of course, she'd also bought tickets for her to take SS to see the professional wrestling tour one night that week. Offered to let DH buy her ticket and take SS instead. No way in HELL does DH want to go to see WWE. And he's sure as heck not buying her ticket for the chance to go. This is something she decided to do. She can do it. Or explain to SS that he doesn't get to go after all.
DH told her that if she wants to make adjustments, she can suggest it. Just between us, we've agreed that if it doesn't work for us, we're saying no, sorry. (For instance, if she does what he suspects she will do -- adjust it so we have him for a couple of unplanned weekends.) Besides, she has parents who help her all the time. Actually, it annoys DH that BM relies so much on her parents. They pick SS up from day care at least half the time and, according to SS, he spends a couple of nights with them every week he's with his mom. We don't mind him spending time with his grandparents, really (though they're part of the reason he's spoiled rotten) but it just all seems odd. Once, because of vacation plans, etc., we had SS 11 nights in a row. He went back to her house and immediately went and spent the weekend with his grandparents because she had decided to go out of town for a 5K race. This is after she hasn't seen her kid in nearly 2 weeks. Another time, his grandparents took him on a weekend trip and she stayed home at the last minute because she had a lot of work to do. This was right before she was, again, not going to see him for more than a week.
Something tells me she can't handle SS and is looking for reasons to not deal with him. I don't entirely blame her. I've seen how he can be. But she played a big part in making him the way he is. And she seems to be doing everything to avoid addressing the problem head-on. It makes me sad, in a way. SS is difficult. He's a spoiled brat. He's not an easy kid to get attached to. But that's not really his fault. And I think it's a shame if he can't have a good relationship with his mother and she looks for excuses to not have to deal with him.
SS and you always get along
Bucause you do everything he wants. If you gave him rules that will go away fast. Your SO does not parent his kid he’s his friend. You have a big problem, especially when this kid get older. You will get. He safe doing drugs ar home. He only drinks on weekend. He just talks with girls in him room with the door closed.