Second family finances/strain
How do you all cope with the added burden of Child Maintenance and additional expenses that come hand in hand with "step kids"?
It's definitely a spot of contention for me & my chap.
I've made one previous post here in the General Forum about dealing with lies.
I stupidly got involved with a man with kids. Fell pregnant with his 4th child (my first) then found out afterwards that he was only seperated and not divorced, like he said.
Also found out not long ago that they had a joint mortage after he lied and told me the old family home was soley his.
Since I fell pregnant, his wife opened a Maintenance claim, which has dire implications for our finances and set up.
I originally moved cities so he could remain close to his kids and we rented a place with a large for for them to stay. This was impossible to sustain after Bio-Mom opened her claim (simply out of spite).
The way Maintenance works in the UK is extremely detrimental to second families.
You lose out doubly due to mathematical and ideological flawes in the system. Immediately threw me & my new baby into relative poverty.
The only way we could actually afford to stay together was to live seperately. So now we live seperately, and I didn't include the spare room in the new place for his kids to visit, as that would once again strain my finances. He can still only afford a house share despite his average wage.
He is deeply hurt that money is now so tight, neither of us have room for them to stay over.
In addition to that, his new job just let him go following a trial period, and he's now out of work.
This won't stop the system or his ex trying to get Maintenance out of him. It can take them weeks-months to complete new financial assessments and in the meantime arrears accrue through no fault of your own.
He shouldn't be out of work for long, but it doesn't take long for all his bills to pile up. He has a car phone are out on finance, so every month he's out of work he'll take a huge financial hit.
Which I'm concerned about.
His kids cost a hell lot of money. The relatively huge maintenance bill, travel costs, activity costs, food, fuel, the lot, it all adds up.
I'm helping as much as I can with my (lowly) maternity pay, but I'm supporting him, his vast array of bills and the added costs of his kids.
Who's mom reels in over £1000 a month just for them, by sitting on her arse claiming every benefit she can get her hands on.
They've got new phones/gadgets and go trips frequently and they've recently all be living off take-away meals.
Meanwhile, we're left counting the pennies to pay the bills and see his kids. (Hotels & activities).
I told him that if his debts accrue whilst he's out of work, he's gonna have to prioritise those and that might include cutting back on expenses to go see the kids and take them out.
It sucks but it is what it is... He'll have to discuss it with their mother. She found it hilarious that the added strain almost made us homeless (baby n all).
So the way I see it, her kids are no longer my problem.
Not only are skids not your
Not only are skids not your problem, but while you are on maternity leave and recieving low income, you should NOT be supporting your boyfriend either!!!
You must look out for you and your baby, first and foremost; clearly nobody else is. The extra stress of trying to support your boyfriend are not good for you or the baby.
Stop supporting your
Stop supporting your boyfriend at all with your maternity pay. You're not married, you don't live together and he's presumably an able bodied man. And a liar. I would look long and hard at this relationship, even with a child.
Well, I always have mixed
Well, I always have mixed feelings about this topic. On the one hand, I agree that Child Support is often way more than is really needed to raise kids and it sucks when it enables a bio mother to live on CS alone and not work at all.
On the other hand, your BF had 3 kids with her that he needs to support. And then he went and knocked YOU up and now has a 4th kid he needs to support. You also made a decision to get pregnant with a guy who had 3 other kids to support, and who was not divorced and didn't have the child maintenance issue settled.
So it seems to me, he needs to get a better job, or two, and help support his kids, including the one with you. Instead, you are supporting him, which makes no sense whatsoever.
He is able bodied.. and he is
He is able bodied.. and he is a liar (that's the thing that gets me the most about him, in addition to his permissive parenting).
It's hard for me to not provide any help, as when we initially moved in together we made everything joint. The way a first family would. However that was before we both realised the financial implications of being a non Resident Parent, certainly before I did.
His monthly bills vastly outstrip mine, but he was supposed to be the main bread winner, which he was until the maintenance bill, but he's got so many financial obligations, it's now become evident that despite his 10K increase on wage, he (and I) see no financial gains once his bills have been accounted for.
I have a vested interest in keeping him afloat (working as a team), as he is my child's father... But it's apparent that some sacrifices have to be made, and now my maternal instinct is kicking me, and I'm having to prioritise my own.
I resent the fact he had a family before, I really do. But I also don't want to be the wicked witch of the west either.. having said that, he's got 4x the amount of kids I have, and his ex has 4x the amount of money I have (whilst not earning a penny of it).
I feel like it's mean to say his visits might have to decline until he's back in work & routine, but there's no way around it.
If their mother cared more about contact than money, she'd drop her claim.
She claims to want him to have as much contact as possible, but soon starts threatening him & emotionally blackmailing him over money.
This month it was "Can you please send the money early, please, as a favour to me .... I told the kids that they can't get their presents (on holiday) unless dad sends his money"
So he did.
Barf.
Why should she have to
Why should she have to support all the kids by herself?
His ex?
His ex?
She shouldn't have to support them alone, but then again, she's never supported them. She's not worked a single day in the last 15 years. He supported her for ten years. Then she started cheating on him and taking drugs, then he kicked her out and looked after the kids for three years on his own whilst she continued taking drugs & sleeping around (Whilst he worked a full time job).
She eventually got off the drugs and began acting like a mother again, although *he had to pay her for the time she spent with the kids!* She never once paid support.
She then kidnapped the kids back and he gave her the family house to raise them in.
Now once again, she can sit on her arse getting everything paid for her.
She had the cheek to say when she opened the claim to "make sure he fulfilled his financial obligations to the kids", which is an ironic kick in the teeth as he's always and solely provided for the kids , now twice over, 1) As a tax payer 2) through child support.
Of course he should provide for his kids, but I'm sure you can appreciate how disproportionate and unfair Child Support systems can be.
He can pay the child support, he has no choice but to... But that doesn't leave a lot left over to actually spend time with the kids and entertain them.
Additionally, the kids affections seem to be mostly bought as they both parent from a place of divorce guilt. But that's a whole other story.
I'm just the idiot (and I mean that) who walked in on this sh*t, and I genuinely didn't realise the extent of the troubles that come with dating a man with baggage. More fool me.
In regards to the law, that's also a while other story. I had no idea how the Maintenance system worked until I experienced it, but it soon came to light that the system is extremely dysfunctional (at best).
It undermines it's it's own goals by providing one parent with more money than they need, and depriving the other of the money that they need to pay an active role in parenting.. him & his kids are definitely becoming more alienated, and obviously it does nothing to encourage a healthy/positive relationship between all the adults.
I do get it, my DH pays 1K
I do get it, my DH pays 1K per month for ONE child, who is 19. BM herself makes 100K and gets another 13K from DH, to use however she sees fit, while my SS sits on his ass doing nothing with his life.
But everything she's gotten has been given to her by law, and I chose to be with a man who has a kid. I pay more towards joint expenses for now, until CS is done. We are frugal and we don't spend a lot of money, but we also have a good combined income, so we don't feel it much.
BM does have to support her kids, and DH does have to help her with it. I get that it seems unfair that he can't afford a house for them to visit in, and it might take time for him to get to the point where he can do so. But the first step is for him to take any or all jobs he can get so he can build up his finances.
It just doesn't help you to focus on how "unfair" BM's actions are, over what power you have yourself to help the situation.
You are pregnant
You are pregnant and on maternity leave.
What you need to do is to request money for you, this is the role of a partner and a father, to support his pregnant wife and his future kid.
Ask yourself why his ex feels perfectly fine manipulating him other the money and telling the kids some stupid things about gifts, and you don’t? This man needs to work more, he is the one who created this situation with all these kids and women, he has to deal with it now.
STOP SUPPORTING THIS MAN.
STOP SUPPORTING THIS MAN.
his wife opened a Maintenance
Of course she filed for Maintenance. Being with you, you being pregnant, does not relieve him of his obligation to pay maintenance for his children. He is obligated to pay what the law says he has to pay. She is not obligated to forgo maintenance for her children since you are pregnant. You may be pregnant but his previous children still need to eat, be clothed, and have a place to live.
As to sending the money early, that's for him to set boundaries and say no.
You need to think long and hard about your life. While he will always be the father of your child, the chances of him providing financial security for the child are slim. Plan your life around being a single mom. If he can stop lying and get his financial life in order, there may be a chance of a future together. But, you cannot count on that and should understand that in all likelihood you will be raising this child by yourself.
The minute he lied about
The minute he lied about being divorced would be the minute I was in line behind BM setting up CS payments.
Your BF is responsible for paying for his share of ALL his kids' care. BM filing for CS was not only her right, but also her responsibility in order to make sure her kids were taken care of adequately. Even if what she does now is abhorrent, her requesting CS was not where she screwed up.
Your BF could have avoided much of this if he waited until he was divorced and settled before getting a GF and impregnating her. He has brought the financial burdens on himself, and now on you and your mutual child.
Stop digging him out of his financial mess. He's currently not supporting your child, so you're giving away money for YOUR kid to HIS kids. So your child will be supported by 1 income while his first set will be supported by 3.
I'd personally leave him for those initial lies and get in line for CS payments before he finds a third GF to knock up when he isn't financially ready to do so. This is his mess, not yours. Don't make it yours. BM isn't requesting or getting anything she isn't legally entitled to, and he would likely be paying this whether he was a liar who knocked up his GF or not. Ask yourself, had you waited, would you have dated him knowing his finances were that stressed? If the answer is "no", then call it quits and come up with a mutually beneficially CS and custody agreement. If you want to stay with him, then untangle your finances and care for you and yours while he figures out his (plus, the more you entangle in this, the more likely it is BM will brag you into their court and financial battles, even if she can't get money out of you).
I am really aware of all of
I am really aware of all of that. In regards to why I begrudge her the maintenance, see an above reply I made.
I'm not a person who typically tolerates lies, but I didn't realise the true extent of all his lies until I was pretty far gone into pregnancy.
Had I have known sooner my daughter wouldn't be here (she is now 6 months old).
Which of course is a confusing set of feelings to have. My daughter is the most beautiful, amazing thing I have ever laid eyes on.
I never wanted to raise a child as a single mother, but that could be on the cards in future.
You live alone. You're solely
You live alone. You're solely paying for all your DD's care. You aren't married to her father.
There isn't a possibility of being a single mom. You ARE a single mom. And so long as you bail out your BF, he has zero incentive to fix his own mess, even if it puts him into a worse mess to start.
In the future? You already
In the future? You already are a single mom raising your child with no support from baby daddy. You supporting him and his other children doesn’t make you less of a single mom living alone and raising child alone.
He's really not a deadbeat.
He's really not a deadbeat.
He's just bloody idiot.
Baby mom is the deadbeat. I agree support should be paid, but the amount set in law is completely disproportionate.
It enables fat, lazy good for nothing drug wh*res to sit on their arses taking no responsibility for anything.
Maybe once she sees her greed is interrupting their relationship she might take a different approach.
Where I come from, we don't involve the law unless it's an absolute necessity. Our Child Maintenance system is being investigated for billions worth of fraud, and its sole aim seems to be to destroy men.
I have more dignity than to demand the government harass an ex of mine for 20% of his wage. (Before another 30-40% is taken in other taxes)
But that's just me.
I do think the system is completely biased and sexist. It's often said "well he shouldn't of had more children if he couldn't afford them" but the same is never said about the stay at home mother, she's free to have children to multiple men and sting each on for 20% of their wage and could shack up with a millionaire without it ever affecting her financial entitlement.I hear it can be quite financially lucrative, and its thought that it does at least somewhat, contribute to rabidly growing family breakdowns. The system only targets those who aren't deadbeats, as it has no way of getting money out of those who do not work, or cook the books.
(This isn't all in relation to my situation, but the system as a whole, which I've now studied in great detail.. I take a keen interest in government policy).
I agree the child support
I agree the child support system is biased and sexist. It's a relic from a time when men were the primary breadwinners and women were often stay at home wives and mothers who supported their husband's careers. They rarely give NCP women child support obligations or enforce them when they do, yet they chase working men down and destroy their lives to get Child Support.
That being said, did your SO plan to help BM out at all? Because that's not reasonable either. He "allowed" her to be a stay at home parent when they were together (in quotes because I know he may not have had a choice), so he can't just expect to walk away with no support given to her for the kids.
I think some women abuse the child support system, but not all. And I think you SHOULD expect him to support his child with you, and if he won't, you may be forced to go through the system too. It's just as bad to let men knock up random women and not support the kids as it is for women to get knocked up and milk the men for money.
I too find it interesting
But I have no bios. M DH, he was "separated not divorced" when I met him. Soon after we got together HCBM acquired a live in boyfriend, so its not like I was poaching him at all. They had been separated at least 2 years or so.
However, HCBM went ballistic when then-SO filed for divorce, saying it was because if he had waited she would have qualified for a higher SS bracket amount (meaning they would have been married 10 years instead of 9, also meaning alimony in perpetuity - thats another thing to watch out for over here in California) meaning HIS Social Security bracket. THEN, last August a few weeks after we married, she filed for a child support modification order. We eloped and my parents bought our rings. But according to her filings he MUST be able to afford it because we could afford to get married. B!tch.
So, he has been paying Spousal support for 3 plus years now, and boy are we glad he filed when he did. We only have about 8 more months of that to go. Add to that Child support. And we have kiddo 50% of the time. Plus he lost head of household status. Plus plus plus.
her earnings as I figured:
Spousal support: $3,600
Child Support: $4,164
Just sitting on her buttox! plus she has 30k retirement account. and she does side gigs cleaning, so non taxable.
But HCBM, who I call Toxic Troll - ? Last year, her job let her go, because of a workmans comp claim. She hit her head and filed a claim, won and settled at 58k. Shes saying its now only 10k because lawyers fees, and the stipend they sent monthly (I calculate that to be about 20k plus
Total Annual earnings she did not earn :$30,364 USD
Plus head of household status and low-income credit (equals money out even if you paid no taxes!)
So - I feel you - it seems like you cant get ahead in this.
It enables fat, lazy good for
Methinks the pot is calling the kettle black. Honey, you got knocked up by a married man. Not only a married man, but one with three children, a mortgage, and a low paying job who is now out of work. You thought you were getting a man with a house, who had no responsibility to his three kids. Do you really have any business calling anyone a hoor? C'mon lady, take some responsibility for your own situation.
With your relationship being built on lies, sex, and now poverty, it's doomed to fail. He's probably telling other women that you and he are separated and that's why you don't live together. I wouldn't trust this man at all.
Please take others advice and secure a future for you and your daughter. Next time, look before you leap. Make sure the man is actually divorced. It's okay to do some digging before committing to someone.
Your BF is not a good person or father.
Stop supporting him and his kids. He made those kids, he should get a job or two jobs to pay for them. You are not helping anything except your BF. By paying his bills. Just STOP. Used your money for you and your child who should get it.
The tough facts on this are
The tough facts on this are:
The children are entitled to be supported by their father.
Whatever BM does with the money is not your concern or his: the three children have a right to it.
A court considers you and your baby as an after thought: unfortunately BM filed first and gets first bite at whatever money your BF makes.
His salary is slightlty below average for the UK and he should know and learn to live within his means.
Or get a second job.
You chose to have a baby with this man - and you still stay with him even if he is a liar and unable to support himself.
Your choice is to hit him with a maintenance suit through the courts.
You can choose to stay with him and support him if you want.
You can't blame tax tables or BM for your situation because you chose this for yourself.
Yes, it seems harsh, but take some responsibility for the choices you made and continue to make.
I had a similar situation
I’m in the UK too, and had a similar situation 15 years ago with my now husband. When we met, he was still arguing over division of assets with his ex, so they hadn’t got to child maintenance for his one daughter yet. I wasn’t aware of any of that at the time, I’m sure most people wouldn’t discuss so early in a relationship as it would just scare people away. We ended up moving in together. We both had good jobs, so we were still able to live a comfortable life in our little rented 2 bedroom apartment. We had been together about 2 years when it was time to finalise maintenance, and it was eye opening to both of us. I didn’t feel it was my business at the time so didn’t get involved too much, but I wish I had as it has had a huge impact on us, and took a long time to get on our feet.
We were by this point expecting our first child and were desperate to get married and buy our own home which was impossible with DH being financially tied to his ex wife. He was still paying the mortgage, all bills and a temporary maintenance for both SD and BM who didn’t work. BM had the upper hand and knew we couldn’t get a second mortgage so could hold us to ransom. DH ended up giving her everything they had including all the profits from the sale of the house that was his from before they met! And we took all the debt for her new car and various big ticket items she had purchased on joint credit cards. They were only married 2 years! But they were her conditions for selling the house and cutting financial ties.
So my advice to you if you want a future with your SO is to ask questions now and find out exactly what is going on. Has he signed the house over to his ex? If he’s on that mortgage it will be very difficult for you to get another mortgage for you as a family. If he hasn’t signed it over, It is possible to defer a sale till the kids are older so he will get get a share of the profits at that time. But ideally you want to cut all financial ties. Obviously maintenance still needs to be paid, but if your SO has given BM the house, can the equity be offset against the payments? Also has your SO advised CSA that he’s responsible for 4 children who don’t live with him? That would divert a little money towards your child together.
I ended up going back to work when my son was 4 months old so I could support us as a family. I was really angry with BM who never worked, was sunning herself spending time with SD while my tiny baby had to go to nursery so I could technically support her too. She didn’t care as long as she got what she wanted. I did the same when our next child was born, but we were in a good position by the time our 3rd was born so I stopped work. It was a hard time clearing the debt, and getting on our feet, and buying a house. But I’m really proud that what we have is totally ours. SD is nearly 17 now, and hopefully only another year of maintenance.
I didn't read any of the
I didn't read any of the responses so I might be repeating, but STOP supporting him. He is a liar and a user and you would fare better on your own.
So, how much does your SO earn, and what does he net after tax,
And how much CS does he pay? A quick google search tells me he likely pays 20% of gross in child support, and about 20% in taxes. So he keeps half of his income. Tell me what you think is fair? Do you think when he loses his job, the first expense to get jettizoned is child support?
There's something here that
There's something here that isn't adding up. If he earns 24-28K per annum and pays 20% in child support, she wouldn't be getting 1000 per month. The figure would be 480-560, wouldn't it?
Exactly
That is why I am asking. Possibly the 1,000 includes amounts that were not paid while he was not working, etc.
Yeah, there is something not
Yeah, there is something not right here.
Child support is capped at 20% of gross income - so without any other benefits to him - he is paying at max £95 per week through the collection agency, and less on direct payment.
That takes into account his 3 kids and 1 in her household with a minimum of overnights.
How BM is getting £1000 a month when this guy averages £2020 a month is weird - and certainly not a CS system calculation - but with the history of lies here who knows?
It just isn't adding up and there are a few whoppers weaved into this by someone; unless her BF is very generous with his ex, completely stupid, a liar or playing the ponies.
Anyway, she is being taken for ride on the bus of lies.
Best to hit daddy with a child support claim too, because once it is resolved through the courts with BM and he has a job, he will have the money.
And even if BM is getting 1K
And even if BM is getting 1K with Child support and benefits included, 1K to support 4 people isn't exactly rolling in the dough.
People make the argument all the time about people living on welfare as if they are living in a mansion, instead of in a crap apartment in the worst neighborhood in town with very little money to live on.
Agreed.And yes, the child
Agreed.
And yes, the child maintenance laws may be unfair and biased against men, but the thing is this should all be known and up front in a relationship.
Why stay with someone who lies to you or is deceptive?
People - whether men or women - generally don't just get to walk away from the kids they created.
Any right minded parent WILL hit up the other parent for CS, which the child is entitled to.
How it is spent cannot be controlled by the person paying: you chose to breed with that irresponsible mother/father and you have zero right to complain.
One night stand?
That is what you get for your stupidity and unprotected sex.
(I would run a battery of STI tests on someone like that before I let them touch me, if I was stupid enough to fall for them because poor decision making is going to run a spectrum of other areas too, and it is not surprising when finances is one of them!)
The thing is, complaining about the "system" or moochers or how poor you are due to CS is your own misdirected fault.
You choose to get involved with someone with a heap of baggage, poor prospects and sketchy income.
Why do you get to blame the ex and the kids?
Bottom line to me is that if you cannot afford to support a kid on your own, don't have them.
I'm gonna cut right through
I'm gonna cut right through all the BS.
Dump this loser and start worrying about yourself and your child.
Apply for maintenance for your child from him. It may be a pittance..but get what you are owed.
Put this relationship in your rear view mirror. In hindsight, you have to know how irresponsible it was to have a child with a guy that already had 3 other children to support.. (it doesn't matter "what" his Ex does or doesn't do for a living.. he is still liable for HIS share). You know now that this guy is a LIAR. He is also unemployed and having zero problems depleting your already meager funds.
Why on earth are you still in a relationship? Why on earth are you paying his bills. STOP. You are in a financial bind of your own making.
Put yourself and your child first. Get your act together.. don't support other people when you don't have enough for yourself. Prepare to go to work when maternity leave is up.. better your own self so that you can provide for your child. Let your soon to be EX have a relationship with his child.. but YOU don't have to. Get an order for child support... and move on.
The guy who makes just above
The guy who makes below average wages shouldn’t be procreating non stop with different women. He should better himself and get training and a better job first. I don’t understand people doing things backwards. Make bunch of kids and then wonder how to support them. It’s amazing how they always find women to fall for them.
I met my DH during his
I met my DH during his separation/divorce and he was financially destroyed. That's why we had to wait 10 years before we were ready to have a child together.
Many people need time to recover from a divorce
Financial issues, emotional issues, new house, whatever. Kids may need more time too
This thread isn’t created by
This thread isn’t created by BM so why are people focusing on what BM does?
This thread is by the woman who had unprotected sex wuth married guy who is a liar and has low paid job and already has 3 kids. GF now supports herself, her kid, this man and his kids.
So we should focus on what’s in her control. What BM or BF do is not in her control. What’s in her control is to dump this loser, file for CS snd move on wuth her life. I also recommend some reflection on why going out why this low class guy?
No one should be so desperate for a man that they would settle for this loser.
Time to see a therapist.
Aside from solving your money issues you really need to find out why your self esteem is so low. You went for a married man knowing he was married, and unavailable. Most women look up guys on the internet etc. so yes you knew. I also believe you purposely got pregnant to trap him. The BM sounds a little smarter then the both of you. Why would she work? It will benefit her support wise to be unemployed. After the order she can always look for a job. Trust me her lawyer has advised her of all this. This loser had no business having more kids especially when he already had 3 with his wife. Now he knows he has to be with one of you, or he won't survive. Don't be surprised if he ends up back with his wife if she allows it. It makes better financial sense. Btw his kids aren't your step kids, you're just a gf. I agree with the others, dump him and work on your situation. The way I look at it, you can only go up from where you are. If you fix some things about yourself.. down the road you could find a nice guy and father for your child. Someone with decent morals and a good job. I'd raise the bar, and aim for that. Good luck.
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The skids are not your
The skids are not your problem nor your responsibility. Your responsibility is yourself and your child. He’s a liar who chose to get involved with someone before he was divorced. Now he’s in a huge mess and wants you to pick up the slack. It is not fair to you. I was with a woman who has kids and she was receiving child support and was still a financial train wreck. Her kids were spoiled and catered too. They were living in a very nice, new, very large home in a very nice neighborhood but guess what? She could not afford her mortgage or car payment and was looking for someone to pick up the slack. No thanks. Not my kids. Not my problem. Her kids were rude and unappreciative and she was emotionally abusive and manipulative. If her and her kids were respectful, nice people I would’ve been more than willing to help but guess what? They weren’t. Too bad so sad. I hope she finds another sucker to con before they all end up living with her mother and sister.
I don’t think it’s wrong for
I don’t think it’s wrong for a woman to accept child support however if she spends beyond her means and spoils her kids in the process it is her responsibility to pick up the financial slack. It is not another mans (or woman’s) job who is not related to her kids to pick that up. Sorry it’s just not. Often you will find divorced women living beyond their means and living in places beyond their means in order to spoil their children. When you get divorced you give up certain lifestyle aspects. One of them is thinking you don’t need someone else to help support yourself and several kids at a certain lifestyle expectation. All to often these parents think life goes on after divorce and they don’t need anyones help but they are fooling themselves because when they start dating they are really looking for someone to help out with their kids and to help out financially.The reality is they do and they messed up.
You are absolutely correct.
You are absolutely correct. This is not your problem. Time to purge your life of this guy and his baggage and focus on you and your child. This likely means you are going to have to nail him for support for your child as well. He lied about being divorced, he lied about the house, so IMHO he is entirely untrustworthy and as a parent you have a duty to your child to minimize the influence that this guy can have in your life and the life of your child. Though your child is also his child.
A tough situation for you to be in. I don't care about the situation he is in. And neither should you IMHO.
Good luck.
Take care of you, take care of your child. Let hm support himself and let he and his X take care of their children.
Those kids are NOT your
Those kids are NOT your finanical responsibility and NEITHER IS HE!!!! That is one thing I do not miss about the relationship. My SO was always stressed about money and living paycheck to paycheck not to mention amounting credit card debt. He was always broke and boy did I always hear about it. What it came down to was his kids were way too expensive and he also refused to make changes to make things more affordable. Between child support, their expenses when he had them and additional costs my ex was always broke. Not to mention it didn't help that he did not want to move because of the location of their school, the ex, grandparents etc. but he was living in a big house that had a huge mortgage in an area that he could not afford. On top of that he wasn't the best at telling his kids no and his shopping habits were more expensive than they had to be. I felt bad so I sometimes paid for his meals and expenses when we went out more than I should have. No more of that. I do not miss it. Now I go out and splurge on myself and it is still cheaper plus I don't have to hear all about his money problems and him guilting me. The reality is those kids are not yours, they have two living, involved parents who are both employed, and you have zero obligation to help him out nor his kids.
I have a vested interest in
I have a vested interest in keeping him afloat
You are vested to keep this lying man afloat because he's your childs father? How about keeping you and your daughter "afloat" and not go into poverty or even struggling because this man lacked the b@lls to be honest with you. How about placing the well being of you & yours 1st and let him figure out how he's going to make ends meet with his other children. Where is your vested interest in yourself? Yes he's the father of your child but you have to support you and yours. Separate your finances from him, stop focusing on what he pays out for his X and other kids. He made his bed and has to lay in it now. Concentrate on you and how you're going to provide a good, healthy and stable life for your daughter.