Desperate...please help
Please help! I’ve been in a relationship with SO for just over a year and a half now. As the time has gone on, I’m starting to get more feelings of resentment and jealousy towards his daughter. She is 26 and over the time I’ve been with her dad, she’s shown no, or little interest in me or my 3BK. I feel like because of the strained relationship, that the jealousy is getting worse. Once a week, every week, SO has to commute to a work site not far from her, and insists on seeing her each time after work. The longer it’s gone on, the stronger feelings of segregation and exclusion I feel, and that then exacerbates the jealousy. I have tried to talk to SO about my feelings but I’m not sure he truly understands. I was never really shown affection and attentiveness growing up so when I receive it from SO, I zap it up and revel in it but equally I feel so uncomfortable if he shows it to others, especially his daughter. Is it normal to feel this way and such feelings of jealousy? Or am I going mad??? Please help!
Welcome to the site!
I just read your biography and it seems that you had this issue with SD/s in a previous marriage also, considering you're still in your 30s this is probably fresh in your mind. I can understand the feelings of jealousy, I have experienced the same when my DH does stuff with his daughters in the past, though they don't come EOW any more, and usually seeing them is just a meal or a coffee now.
Your SD26 probably sees you as a threat to her relationship with her Dad, especially as I imagine there is quite a big age gap between you and him. You don't have to have a relationship with her, she is not a child, and ideally you should treat each other with courtesy but don't have to be bosom buddies.
I think you may have to resign yourself to your SO seeing his daughter. Does he go out for a meal or something every week, or is it just a brief cup of tea or something? I can see it might irk you if it is the former, every single week, but even if it is, I think you may just have to accept that he wants to see her and tolerate it. You show some awareness of your own issues from childhood that may be feeding into the situation - it was the same with me. I was largely ignored and neglected as a child and it makes me very sensitive to feeling left out now.
Do you have 1 x 1 time with
Do you have 1 x 1 time with each of your kids?
Think of it like that... it's not exclusion of the others, it's dedicating specific time on one, to each their turn.
He's entitled to spend 1 x 1 time with his daughter... And she's entitled to not be close to you.
Enjoy the peace...treat it like "me time". Do something for yourself in that time.
Do you feel jealous because
Do you feel jealous because you're not included when he goes to see his daughter? Or is it just the fact alone that he's spending time with her instead of you?
Your SO's DD doesn't have to have a relationship with you or your kids, as long as you're all polite and respectful of one another when you're together. It's also not your SO's responsibility to make up for the fact that you weren't shown affection whilst growing up, that's your issue to deal with on your own.
To be fair, I don't particularly see the issue with him visiting his DD once a week when he's in her neighbourhood. How would you feel if he discouraged you from spending time with any of your 3 BK's? I think you need to take a look at what's driving these feelings, especially considering you've felt this way about a SD in a previous relationship as well. I think this is more your issue than a SO/SD issue, based on the info you've provided.
Thank you for the feedback. I
Thank you for the feedback. I think it’s more the exclusion that I feel I have more of an issue with, and yes, I know it’s irrational and wrong, but I can’t stop those feelings of jealousy creeping in. I’ve tried to reach out on several occasions to SD in the attempt to try and build and establish even just a basic of relationships but it’s proved quite difficult, as she makes it quite evident that she doesn’t really want, or have any desire, to get to know me or my BK’s. I think because of this, it exacerbates those feelings of jealousy/exclusion etc. And again, I know it’s wrong, but I then resent SO spending time or showing gushy affection towards her. It’s almost like, I’ve craved attentiveness and affection all my life and now that I have someone showing it to me, I don’t want him to share it...crazy I know! I guess you’re right though and it is a case of almost disengaging and focusing on time for myself.
So, you know this is rooted
So, you know this is rooted in your childhood issues, don't let it ruin your current relationship. Your SO's daughter has every right to have zero relationship with you and your kids, and at least she's honest about it and keeps her distance, rather than attacking or being passive aggressive. You have to own that these feelings are YOURS and not based on anything your SO is doing wrong, and learn to deal with them. Seeing his kid once a week doesn't seem outrageous to me.
I have 2 older sisters that are very close and always have left me out. I react very strongly to that feeling of being "left out" by a pair of other people, but now I know it's ME, and I can decide how to respond. Old childhood wounds cause those kinds of strong reactions.
I was never really shown
I was never really shown affection and attentiveness growing up so when I receive it from SO, I zap it up and revel in it but equally I feel so uncomfortable if he shows it to others, especially his daughter.
This right here is complete awareness of why you feel the way you do and this is a positive step forward to heal from what you lacked growing up. His daughter is a trigger and what you feel is so much bigger and it’s projected on his daughter. Your SO sees her once a week, consider that "me time", after all you both are your own person and should be allowed to do other things that we enjoy as long as it doesn’t impact his life with you.
Also, she doesn’t have to show any interest in you or your 3 kids. As long as she’s respectful and civil that’s all that matters. In the end she owes you nothing.