Filing Papers Today

edited to add: I'm really disappointed in some of the negative comments I've received. I have posted this as a blog post; it's an account of my experiences, it's abbreviated, and it is not comprehensive of what we are facing or arguing or asking. We may not win, but we have not set ourselves up to think that it's guaranteed.

I do not post all details of our cases nor exact circumstances.

It's a shame some of you are so negative. Not much of a supportive place if you ask me. Also, putting words in my mouth makes you look bad, not me. For some reason some of you are operating under some assumptions that don't apply in our case. Sorry, but you do not know everything. Neither do I; but I do know more about our circumstances than you do.

We are legitimately and with good legal advice going after a case that we have a solid chance of winning. Our lawyer has not steered us wrong and most likely will not.

Anyways, shove off if you can't be constructive. I'm not interested in interacting with assholes.

* * *

Today we file papers to obtain 50/50 (from 27/73) custody and obtain legal custody because BM isn't playing nice and never will.

We found out that BM was looking to move. We always said we would pursue more custody if she decided to move where the kids would be in school further from our home and thus less accessible to us. SS12 had been telling us about going to check out new places to live. She finally told us that she's moving them to another school district and changing their schools. She can't just inform us of that; DH has to give his consent.

She's been pulling these kinds of stunts for a while. Informing us of changes in medication after-the-fact. I found out that she wanted SS7 assessed for autism in a school meeting; she never told DH about this, and she still never directly told him about it. She needed to get his permission as well and she did not. DH has suggested that he be assessed for ODD, but nothing has happened in regards to this.

So we knew it was time for us to move, too. We found a new place that is big enough for us (the old place was too cramped) and could accomodate the kids for more time. Then we found out that she is *buying* her new home.

We're talking about someone whose combined income with her fiance is still less than DH's. Someone who told us she didn't have money to feed the kids as recently as October. Someone to whom we offered to buy groceries, but got no response. Someone who told SS12 to ask his dad to buy him underwear, so SS12 took from the clothes at our house to take underwear to his mother's. Someone about whom both children say cares more about her expensive car (adjective in use by the children, not us, though it's true) than buying them anything. So far she's proven them correct.

So now we wait. For a court date and for her backlash. And to figure out what the lies are, because just coming up with the money and qualifying for a loan either means she's been lying or she has new income that needs to be reported. We know it's not an inheritance and we highly doubt she'll be able to hide this one.

I need some strength today. (Or whiskey.)

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Oh yeah and

She's planning a wedding for next year.

Too broke to feed your kids, eh?

Good luck. Hope you have

Good luck. Hope you have better luck with court than most of us have had.

Thank you!

How far away is the other

How far away is the other school district?

There is a chance that she didn't have to get your DH's permission. Leaving the state is a whole other story, but moving one town/county over... she may be within her rights.

I moved 2X with my kids after my exH and I divorced. The kids switched schools. I did not ask permission. I gave the required 30 days notice and that was that. Since she has 73%, which is about what I had/have, I did what I needed to do, she will probably say that she is doing the same.

Now if this move is 2 hours away- that is another story. But 10 more minutes- ehhhh.... I don't think that is grounds for 50/50.

HOWEVER, if she is high conflict, I am sure you have plenty of other grounds! Just try not to get too hung up on a move if it really isn't a long one away. Good luck with everything!! Court is the worst and I still don't believe that there are ever any winners when it comes to going to court. The only time the kids actually benefit is when both the parents work together and put all their crap and actually do what is right and best for the kids. If BM isn't supporting them and isn't doing what is best, who knows, maybe the judge will agree for a full flip if BM insists she has to move.

She doesn't need permission

She doesn't need permission to move. She needs permission to change schools. She's violating the court order.

The move is to a place that's about an hour away in traffic, maybe 40 if it's not as congested. That's twice the commute.

Also, we know that courts

Also, we know that courts prefer 50/50. With a shift in schooling (closer to us) and progress in terms of making a home for the kids with DH (adding me to the mix so I can provide a lot of the support, and a shift in scheduling for him where he can make more in shorter periods of time), it's much more doable than it was before. Since their mom regularly works on alienating him, I don't think the courts are going to look down on 50/50.

Just a few things to consider..ok?

Nothing would make the majority of us happier then to read everything worked out in DH's favor.

Unfortunately that is usually not the case and certainly not following your first court date.

Many of us have 5, 10, 15 20 years under our belts. The vast majority of Step parents here are well educated, college degreed, hard working, kind women AND men. With zero blemishes on their record. One would think a fair and balanced custody agreement would be easy. Not so fast...

You must understand, that a significant change of circumstance must occur with concrete FACTS to support...ie bm is flat out on the curb stone cold drunk, cooking meth in her house-got busted-cps removed the kids OR, in the clinker for Grand Theft Auto is when custody changes. OR older kids are so pas'd out a judge shows mercy on the target parent...

BM's not informing ncp about medical appointments, medication changes, school stuff or even addresses is NOT custody change worthy. Heck it is rare ncp will get more visitation because of those things. BM may get a glare from the courts and told DONT do it again...

Courts dont care if you flew in on your magic fairy broom to offer "SUPPORT"..actually it doesnt make dad look good. Judges sometimes pooh pooh girlfriends / wives showing themselves in court because it is between 2 bio parents.

The other side may turn this on Dad...poor bm...SEE mean bad man and his wife are ganging up on her. BM is doing the best she can for the chillll-dren.

.So,,,OP---be very careful to show your face in court.

High conflict parents will act first, explain later. They may use terms like: they didnt know, they thought they did what X wanted..they thought HE knew...They made a mistake, they got the wrong dates. They dont understand...they thought the court order said something else...

Be careful OP...keep a very low profile. Oh and If I read your last post correctly, you said dh can "MAKE MORE" in a shorter periods of time....more money means higher support for BM. Never underestimate a dog on a bone. Her side will say dh only wants the kids because of child support.

GoodLuck

Thanks for the support?

I hope nobody slings such negativity at you so much.

What will happen, happens.

This is not our first court date. BM has already shown the courts her priorities.

I did not say DH makes more. I said he makes more in shorter periods of time. So he can work closer to normal hours. He has a nontraditional schedule.

I don't think you know enough about our case. We are fully prepared not to win, but we have a strong case.

She's very, very right.

She's very, very right. Everyone goes into family court thinking they have a strong case, but BM's vagina and her existing custody arrangement gives her a 100 point advantage, regardless of what your state laws say.

We spent 50K in court only to end up with BM having 100 to our 0 because she alienated SS in the process of all the custody battles. Family court is a weird animal, it's not like real court, the judge has total discretion to do what he or she wants, and there is still a very strong woman-bias in ALL family court judges' minds. Some worse than others.

It may surprise you, but the

It may surprise you, but the last thing we went to court over, the judge complete eviscerated BM.

The mediator also eviscerated BM before that.

BM has a documented history of lies, outright alienation, and lack of financial responsibility. She's gone as far as leaving DH off school records and lying to school officials about DH's involvement.

We have the same judge this time.

It doesn't surprise me. I've

It doesn't surprise me. I've heard of judges eviscerating BM and then leaving custody exactly the same.

Then that's what happens. We

Then that's what happens. We will have to live with it.

She is giving you excellent

She is giving you excellent advice. And I am somebody whose husband got 100% legal and physical custody of his child due to BMs severe multiple problems.

I would definitely listen to goodluck’s advice.

I'm not disregarding it

I'm not disregarding it entirely. But we have previous court appearances and drastically different circumstances than the average family in court.

Whether we win or not, we are going for it for the kids. And if we don't win, at least we tried.

Thank ya Ladies

Just wanted to let you know,

Just wanted to let you know, food for thought.

When my husband went to court for full physical and legal custody of his child, not only did I not go to the court, my income and myself was not a part of the court hearing at all. As far as custody went, it was between the two of them and the judge never even heard of my name.

And he is one of the rare cases of actually getting custody.

Yes, exactly - the court

Yes, exactly - the court doesn't want to hear that DH is now able to be a parent to his kids because a woman is there to watch them, drive him to pick ups, take them when he works, etc.

BM may need help too, but she's got 75% of custody, not 25%.

Then shrug - what will happen

Then shrug - what will happen will happen.

We could not sit by and not try.

We have moved into a larger space that we'll need either way.

If we lose, it's not like DH is suffering paying the child support he's paying currently.

If we lose, we drive an extra 20 minutes for our regularly scheduled visitation.

If we lose, when SS12/7 are out of control and BM is begging DH to "fight for the kids" as she has demanded more than once, we'll make a decision then.

I posted a blog post talking about what we're doing. I'm not asking to be right. I'm not asking to be believed. I thought this was a place for support. So I could be wrong? Okay. So we're up against a lot? Okay.

It does not change our court filing. It does not change how strongly we believe in fighting for the kids.

I do not *not* believe we're up against a lot.

Sorry didn’t feel like I was

Sorry didn’t feel like I was being supportive. I was just sharing my personal experience. It’s incredibly rare for a man to get full custody and my husband did so I thought my experience might be of service.

I hope it all all works out for everyone involved.

We could be that rare case,

We could be that rare case, we couldn't.

I'm definitely taking notes and I do not disregard the advice here. Yes, I might be a little sensitive to what feels like being spoken down to. But in the end, what does it matter? I'll either come back and eat crow or I'll be able to say yes, we made it.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Getting 50/50 parenting time

Getting 50/50 parenting time wasn't that hard for my DH ("just" $5K in attorney fees). But he still had to pay CS to bm. You may want to consider that possibility.

Getting full legal is going to be impossible unless she has some serious flaws that haven't been mentioned here. And even if you are awarded it, high conflict types don't adhere to court orders.

Good luck.

We're fully prepared to still

We're fully prepared to still pay CS. It isn't about child support for us.

Yes, there's more I still haven't mentioned, but I'll tell you this: it includes a log of 40 other items that are legitimately worrying.

While we realize it isn't probable that we'll get legal custody, we would not be happy with ourselves if we didnt try.

Thank you!

OP, I was once like you -

OP, I was once like you - full of optimism. Helped DH with court. He thought he had a good case, was the better parent and had a strong relationship with his son. Felt he was guaranteed 50/50 and hoped for getting full custody. SS really liked me. BM had a history of what we thought were obvious alienating behaviors like cutting DH out of decisions, etc.

Family court chewed us up and spit us out. We spent at least 50K, his son was pressured HARD by his mother to lie for her in court, and did. He began to hate his father and eventually stopped coming over entirely. We had to step away from it all for our own sanity, and didn't see SS for over 3 years.

I hope it goes better for you. But your BM is an alienator too, and she isn't likely to just give up control. Your skids may not be Mama's boys, but I bet they love their Mama, and when she starts crying and weeping and bribing and manipulating them, anything can happen. Courts listen to kids, unfortunately. Right now they can't wait to come over to DH's more - let BM work on them for a while and they might hum a different tune. My DH never thought his son would learn to hate him.

We are arguing with you because we have seen what can happen, even when you think you have things under control. I hope those things don't happen to you.

Op, listen to tog. I too once

Op, listen to tog. I too once felt that I added value and stability and income to my DH's case. We are an awesome team. We have a beautiful home in one of the best school districts in the COUNTRY! We have a wonderful life. BM his a hot mess living on disability, in a title one rural school district. She is the epitome of everything wrong with America. She waited until my DH was deployed and moved SS across the country and established residency behind his back, lying the whole time. Trust me, I know evil in the form of a golden uterus BM.

Does it matter? Nope

Does it matter that we have real proof of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy? Nope

Does it matter that she has violated the CO countless times? Nope

Does it matter that DH literally went from October 31, 2018- May 29 2019 without being able to contact his son? Nope

Parental Alienation at its finest? Nope

Marking her BF as father on school and medical documents? Once again, Nope.

All we are saying is don't get your hopes up. The family court system is a soul crushing monster, no matter how much money you throw at the beast!

So much this - what tog wrote

So much this - what tog wrote.

And while we didn’t dunk 50k in legal fees, we personally dunked 15k+ and it did. not. make. a. difference in the end result, unfortunately.

Yup - late to the party, but

Yup - late to the party, but totally signing on to what justmakingthebest, momjeans and tog have to say.

My BM was a grade A whackadoo, and those ladies know alllll the stories. My husband ended up getting sole physical and legal custody and BM has NO parenting time at all.

For what it's worth, those of us giving you the benefit of our experiences are doing simply that. We are not condescending, criticizing or any other nonsense you accuse us of. I am sorry that you are so sensitive and that the truth hurts, but if you are going to go down this path, you are going to need not only a bigger house, but a much thicker skin.

I think the point these ladies are trying to get across to you

is this:

hope for the best...but expect the worst.

We’ve all worn the rose colored glasses... only for some of us to have them ripped off our faces...and stomped on by the SK’s, BM...or both.

I wish you the best of luck, I truly do.

If we lose, when SS12/7 are

If we lose, when SS12/7 are out of control and BM is begging DH to "fight for the kids" as she has demanded more than once, we'll make a decision then.

------------------------

Op making statements such as "fight for your kid, why dont you fight harder for your kid" is a common, cruel statement some bm's make to the dads of their child. Those remarks are intended to keep dh in her game of wack a mole. 'i will hit him below the belt so he engages AND defends himself'.

She knows he loves his child...she knows he wants his child to be with him more.

I am sorry she is saying that to your DH...it is very cruel. No other word for it.

Knowing what I / many of us know now,,,I would tell her the next time "Call your lawyer, lets have a 3way call BM and tell them YOU agree to 50 50 equal, shared physical custody BM. (figure that she wont) AND If you refuse to share our child equally, your comment and actions only traumatizes our kid. So, bm ...stop traumatizing our child BM. Its time YOU step up. We can clear all this up today---OK BM"

Yes. BM in our situation had

Yes. BM in our situation had an affair, and she told DH she was upset that he didn't "fight for her" during the affair. Well, lo and behold, later, SS said that he was upset that DH never "fought for 50/50" in court. Wonder where he got that from? I asked SS if he remembered the repeated court dates in which he told everyone that he wanted to spend more time with his mother? *crickets*

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